Several months later, walking past the farm on the way to a volley ball game, I remarked to a friend, by way of information, "There are angels in those fields." Angels!. . . I have rarely been so surprised at something I've said. Angels! What are angels? I had never thought of angels, in any way at all.

Annie Dillard,

A FIELD OF SILENCE




Nor have many others. Nor had I, for any length of time, until recently. But now I have. This book is an invitation for you to do the same--and to think about demons also.

Bruce Evans



It drives me bananas. On the one hand, you have people seeing possession when it doesn't exist, and on the other hand, you have people refusing to see it when it does...I am the only well-known, scientifically trained psychiatrist who has dealt with it.

 

M. Scott Peck



Oh, my shoppin' demons are hoppin'.

Tammy Faye Bakker



Is it possible for a book on demons to be contemporary? Nobody talks about demons anymore, and nobody believes in them anymore. Christianity, in its missionary zeal, has undertaken to save primitive peoples from their fear of demons. Since we Westerners are supposed to have been foremost among the saved, we are no longer allowed to have unfounded fears.

 Alfred Ribi

 

**********



INTRODUCTION

 

The diversities of human experience--the varieties of ways in which we Homo sapiens act--seem to be infinite. Yet with all our differences we also share much in common. Amazingly unique, we are, at the same time, immensely alike. The sizes, colors, and styles of our clothes are varied; yet we all, as the saying goes, put our pants on one leg at the time. And so it is with our natural capacities and roles for relating--the things we are and do. Uniquely different, still we are much alike. Our glories, it turns out, and our problems, are comfortingly similar.

 

This book is about our similarities--in who we are, how we act, what often goes wrong, and what we may do about it. It may help you get a handle on some of the complexities of human behavior, understand yourself and your relationships better, and, if you choose to work at it, to solve some of your problems, improve your relationships, and find more joy in living.

 

In the book I explain four major human capacities, shared, I believe, by all of us--to play and work, using overt and covert power; and to act in four primary roles--Prince and Princess, King and Queen.

 

I explain what happens when we fail to accept any of our given capacities or to utilize the four roles. The predictable destructive powers--the demons--which often replace these capacities and roles are also explained.

 

If you care to get personal, I help you determine, through the use of self-scoring inventories, which parts of yourself you have already accepted and where you may have room for growth. I explain the potential capacities which I believe we all have, which sometimes call from the depths of our unconscious minds, inviting us to accept our denied selves, more fully becoming who we potentially are--our angels, that is.

 

Also I guide, if you choose to follow, in examining your current use of the four roles--which you use the most and which you may wish to work on. I make suggestions and give exercises for what you may do to help embrace any of your capacities and improve your skills in using either of the roles.

 

Then I explain and amplify demons--what they are and what to do about them. Practical suggestions for exorcising demons are given.

 

Next, in Chapter 9, relationships with others are examined; attention is given to recognizing their angels and demons and how to relate to them--how to get along with others when they have succumbed to their demons.

 

Finally, in the Appendix, several discussions are included giving further information on related topics, such as theology, sexuality and language--for those who wish to explore the subject of angels and demons in greater depth.

 

************

 

In case you want to know where I am coming from, the experience from which I write: I have been an ecumenical minister and psychological counselor for over 30 years. I marry, baptize, and bury--each in their own time, my parishioners. I preach every Sunday, but spend most of my time in private counseling with individuals and groups (over 20,000 hours with individual clients and 6,000 hours conducting group therapy). I have written 13 other books on human relations, theology, and personal growth.

 

I have married, helped rear five children, divorced, remarried, and experienced two step-children. My wife is a Social Worker. Of my loves, sharing in the growth of others is one of the greatest. This book grows out of that.

 

I find that my greater joy, and possibly yours too, lies in embracing my given capacities, learning to play my roles more skillfully, exorcising my demons, listening to my angels, and learning--continually--how to love more.

 

If there are any sermons in this book--which I do not intend to be so, but which we preachers have a habit of giving whether we intend to or not--they are these, and remember that they are to me first:


1. Exercise your angels--embrace your capacities and practice your roles.


2. Exorcise your demons--get rid of destructive patterns which no longer serve you well.


3. Live and love well in your relationships.

 

If so, and if what works for me should also work for you--you'll have more fun too.

 

Bruce Evans,

1991

 



EDITORIAL ISSUES

 

Conventional language about people requires using gender words: he, she, or it--masculine, feminine, or neuter. Even when the subject is personhood, something past gender but not neutered, still we must often use the familiar pronouns. Impersonal words which include both genders, such as one, can frequently be used; still, they easily become boring or sound impersonal. Always including he or she in every sentence about persons, in order to remain fair and literal, soon becomes redundant.

 

Consequently an editorial decision is called for: which to use when you mean both? To always use he is obviously chauvinistic; to always use she, if one is a male writer as I am, seems patronizing; to systematically balance the gender pronouns--a she for every he, sounds contrived.

 

My subject, of course, is cross-gendered; my premise involves the assumption that personhood always includes elements of both genders. In almost every sentence I am literally thinking about persons of both genders, male and female. Yet, grammatical structure, to avoid neuter talk which I don't imply, requires a choice.

 

My decision here has been to accept the fact that I am male and therefore more inclined to think in masculine terms--he rather than she. When a gender pronoun has seemed necessary to escape the impersonalness of one or it, I have most often chosen the way I naturally think. If you are keeping score, I have been unfair--on the male side.

 

I must trust that readers will bear this in mind: though I use he more often than she, I am almost always referring to both. Males, I hope, will not feel favored; nor should females feel belittled or left out. My intentions, at least, are for equality; if latent chauvinism creeps through anyway, forgive me.

 

An additional liberty with conventional grammar has been regularly taken to help remind a reader of the above facts. To indicate something beyond common understandings, I have chosen to capitalize gendered words like male and female when my reference is to non-gendered personhood. When Male appears with a capital letter, think: masculine-type person, rather than one-with-a-penis; Female, with a capital F, likewise refers to a particular group of human capacities, not to persons who happen to have a vagina. Male means masculinity personified, in whatever gender it appears. Female is a grammatical device to represent femininity in both men and in women.

 

I have made the same choice with other familiar words which commonly have gender implications, for example, Prince and Princess, King and Queen. In each case I capitalize, intending to imply a role which is literally beyond gender. Girls can be Princes; boys, Princesses; etc. When I mean for the familiar words to be taken in their gendered senses, I use the grammatically correct lower case.

 

The same convention is followed with age-related words--Youth and Adult. Commonly, they are about chronology, being younger or older. Here I borrow these chronological terms to refer to basic human capacities which are essentially unrelated to time. Capitalized Youth, like Female, is intended to refer to human capacities more often recognized in literal children, but inherent in children of all ages.

 

I have also chosen, for purposes of easier understanding, to use many colloquial expressions throughout the text. There is, of course, a danger that my colloquialisms may differ from yours. These are placed in italics, along with other quoted material, to indicate meanings which sometimes vary from dictionary definitions.

 

If we're lucky, my grammatical decisions will enhance rather than detract from our communication.

 

**********

 




HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

 

THREE OPTIONS:

 

1. AS A PRACTICAL WHAT-TO-DO GUIDE FOR:  EXERCISING YOUR ANGELS AND EXORCISING YOUR DEMONS

 

2. FOR UNDERSTANDING ANGELS AND DEMONS


3. COMBINATION OF UNDERSTANDING AND PRACTICE

 


OPTION ONE

 

PRACTICAL WHAT-TO-DO GUIDE

 

1. Take the five tests included in Chapter 1 and score yourself using the score forms given. Complete the Overall Profile Sheet included at the end of the tests. This summarizes your scores and will be used in step # two.

 

2. Turn to Chapter 7, WHAT TO DO.

 


OPTION TWO


UNDERSTANDING ANGELS AND DEMONS

 

Turn to Chapter 2; then read Chapters 2-6, plus Chapter 10.

 


OPTION THREE

 

UNDERSTANDING AND PRACTICE

 

1. Begin with OPTION ONE, taking the tests.

2. Follow with OPTION TWO.

 

**********

 



CHAPTER 1

 

TESTS FOR ANGELS AND DEMONS

 

***********

 

INTRODUCTION TO TESTS


The following tests will give a summary picture of your best and least developed capacities and roles, plus a good guess about the demons which may often tempt you to leave yourself.

 

Use answer sheets like the ones shown since the format is designed to be self scoring. Either draw your own or print them out on your computer (This can be done by selecting each answer sheet, using your mouse; then copy and paste the selection to your word processing program, such as, Word or WordPerfect; then print it from there). The same procedure can be used to print out the self-scoring forms which follow each of the five tests. Finally, summarize all your individual scores on the Overall Profile Sheet (copy as before). This will become your guide for the What-To-Do suggestions which follow.

 

Answer each question as rapidly as possible--"off the top of your head." If you take a long time to think about a question, you may confuse the results. Because each question has only two choices, neither of which may fit you perfectly, you may often wish for another option. Even if neither answer is exactly right for you, or if both answers fit you at one time or another, pick the one which is more like you most of the time. If neither fits at all--which will be true with some questions, pick the one which you imagine someone else might say about you if they were answering for you. Do, however, answer all questions.

 

Also, remember that there is no right or wrong answer for any question. There is no "best" score, only one which is more or less accurate for you. Think of answering the questions like taking your finger print--here, a "life print"--as a way of identifying your unique self. The only "good" print is a clear one. Even if the choices for a question seem to be unequal--one being "better" than the other--pick the one which seems most true about you. Aim for clarity, not for presenting the "best" picture of yourself. Remember, no one need know but you.



ANSWER FORM FOR TEST 1


Place an X mark by your answer.

     A|B            A|B            A|B          A|B

1.  __|__     2.__|__      3.__|__     4.__|__

5.  __|__     6.__|__      7.__|__     8.__|__      

9.  __|__     9.__|__    10.__|__   11.__|__

12.__|__   13.__|__   14.__|__    15.__|__

16.__|__   17.__|__   18.__|__    19.__|__

20.__|__   21.__|__   22.__|__    23.__|__

24.__|__   25.__|__   26.__|__    27.__|__

28.__|__   29.__|__   30.__|__    31.__|__

32.__|__   33.__|__   34.__|__    35.__|__

36.__|__   37.__|__   38.__|__    39.__|__

40.__|__   41.__|__   42.__|__    43.__|__

44.__|__   45.__|__   46.__|__    47.__|__

 

a.__b.__     c.__d.__     e.__f.__       g.__h.__

Colume I   Colume II  Colume III   Colume IV

 

 

 

 

TEST 1

 

1. Are you more likely to:

 A. Read the directions first

 B. Start without reading directions

 

2. Would you rather:

 A. Shop with a list

 B. Shop by looking

 

3. Are you more likely to:

 A. Lay something aside to be finished later

 B. Finish one thing before beginning another

 

4. Would you rather:

 A. Keep all options open

 B. Have things pinned down

 

5. Would you be more likely to fail from:

 A. Trying too hard

 B. Not trying hard enough

 

6. Are you more likely to:

 A. Sort things out

 B. Put things together

 

7. Do you usually:

 A. Squeeze tooth paste from the middle

 B. Keep the tube rolled from the bottom

 

8. Which best describes you:

 A. Easily distracted

 B. Single minded

 

9. Which is harder for you:

 A. To allow being taken care of

 B. To take care of others

 

10. Do you try to get what you want more by:

 A. Power

 B. Cleverness

 

11. Are you more likely to:

 A. Take the first piece of pie

 B. Wait and take the last

 

12. Are you more sensitive

A. Colors and shapes

 B. Laws and rules


13. Are you better at:

 A. Working hard

 B. Playing hard

 

14. Are you basically more interested in:

 A. Touching

 B. Being held

 

15. Do you spend more time trying to:

 A. Have fun yourself

 B. Make others happy

 

16. Which more nearly describes you:

 A. Like easy games

 B. Like hard games

 

17. Which best describes you:

 A. Hard worker

 B. Dreamer

 

18. If it were not for society, would you tend to be:

 A. More interested in pornography

 B. More interested in soap-operas

 

19. Which best describes you:

 A. Spontaneous

 B. Studied

 

20. Would you be more likely to:

 A. Have too little

B. Have too much ambition

 

21. Are you more likely to be:

 A. Responsible

 B. Playful

 

22. Are you more likely to:

 A. Ask for what you want

 B. Try to please others

 

23. Are you more likely to:

 A. Do what you want to do

 B. Do what you should do

 

24. Which is truer for you:

 A. "If I feel secure, then I may feel sexy"

 B. "If I feel sexy, then I may feel secure"

 

25. Do you think more in terms of:

 A. Practical/impractical

 B. Like it/don't like it

 

26. Which would be more pleasurable to you:

 A. Winning a big game

 B. Eating a good meal

 

27. Are you more likely to:

 A. Take chances

 B. Be careful

 

28. Which best describes you:

 A. Often ignore the clock

 B. Always attentive to time

 

29. Are you more likely to:

 A. Try to please others

 B. Try to please yourself

 

30. Which is truer for you:

 A. Touch is sensual

 B. Touch is affectionate

 

31. Which best describes you:

 A. Idealist

 B. Realist

 

32. Which best describes you:

 A. Receptive

 B. Assertive

 

33. Do you more often act like:

 A. A parent

 B. A child

 

34. Are you more likely to:

 A. Use the direct approach

 B. Use the indirect approach

 

35. At a party, are you more likely to:

 A. Have a good time yourself

 B. Assist with arrangements

 

36. Are you more likely to be embarrassed about:

 A. Getting angry

 B. Being afraid

 

37. When things are hard are you more likely to:

 A. Stubbornly keep trying

 B. Turn them over to someone else

 

38. Which best describes you:

 A. Competitive

 B. Cooperative

 

39. In friendships, are you more likely:

 A. Wait to be called

 B. Call first

 

40. Are you more interested in:

 A. Romance

 B. Sex


41. Are you more likely to try to:

 A. Take care of others

 B. Get taken care of

 

42. Are you more interested in:

 A. Playing to win

 B. Playing for fun

 

43. Do you tend to focus more on:

 A. The present

 B. The past and future

 

44. Are you more interested in:

 A. Feeling secure

 B. Making love

 

45. Which best describes you:

 A. Have patience

 B. Can't wait

 

46. Are you more likely to be:

 A. Firm

 B. Yielding

 

47. Are you more likely to:

 A. Avoid responsibility

 B. Take on too much responsibility

 

48. Are you more like a:

 A. Peacemaker

 B. Warrior



SCORING TEST 1

 

After completing all 48 questions, total your X marks in each column on the answer form; then copy your totals here.

 

Totals in each column:

 

a.__b.__      c.__d.__     e.__f.__        g.__h.__

 

Column I   Column II  Column III    Column IV

 

Combine your scores as follows:

 

           SCORE A              SCORE B

 Add: Column I a.__        Column I  b.__

        Column III f.__     Column III  e.__

                   Total: __                Total:__

 


           SCORE C             SCORE D

 Add: Column II c.__      Column II d.__

         Column IV h.__     Column IV g.__

                   Total: ___               Total:___


Now write your combined score totals below:

 

SCORE A:___(ADULT)

 

SCORE B:___ (YOUTH)

 

SCORE C:___ (MALE)

 

SCORE D:___ (FEMALE)

 

Rank your scores beginning with your highest numbers:

 

My highest score is:________ (Example: YOUTH 22)

 

My second highest is:______(Example: FEMALE 18)

 

My third highest is:________ (Example: ADULT 6)

 

My lowest score is:________ (Example: MALE 2)

 



ANSWER FORM FOR TEST 2

Place an X mark by your answer.

 

         A|B            A|B            A|B            A|B

1.    __|__       2.__|__     3.__|__        4.__|__

5.    __|__       6.__|__     7.__|__        8.__|__

9.    __|__      10.__|__  11.__|__      12.__|__

13.__|__ 14.__|__ 15.__|__ 16.__|__

17.__|__ 18.__|__ 19.__|__ 20.__|__
21.__|__ 22.__|__ 23.__|__ 24.__|__

25.__|__ 26.__|__ 27.__|__ 28.__|__

29.__|__ 30.__|__ 31.__|__ 32.__|__

33.__|__ 34.__|__ 35.__|__ 36.__|__

37.__|__ 38.__|__ 39.__|__ 40.__|__

 

a__b__     c__d__    e__f__     g__h__

Column I     Column II    Column III      Column IV

 



TEST 2

 

1. Are you more likely to:

 a. Tend to business

 b. Tend to relationships

 

2. Would you be more likely to:

 a. Take things apart to see how they work

 b. Put things together to make them attractive

 

3. Are you more likely to ask:

 a. Why?

 b. Why not?

 

4. Which matters more to you:

 a. Beauty

 b. Comfort

 

5. Are you more likely to:

 a. Side with justice

 b. Side with mercy

 

6. While growing up did you prefer to:

 a. Play cops and robbers

 b. Play dolls and house

 

7. Which best describes you:

 a. Practical

 b. Idealistic

 

8. Are you more likely to:

 a. Be plainly dressed with a clean house

 b. Be stylishly dressed with a messy house

 

9. Which best symbolizes you:

 a. Sun/sky

 b. Moon/earth

 

10. Are you more likely to:

 a. Reach out

 b. Flirt


11. If a company had difficulties, would you rather:

 a. Be the one who remains to run the company

 b. Be the one who comes in to solve the problems

 

12. If you were a little girl, would you rather be:

 a. Mother's little helper

 b. Daddy's little girl

 

13. Are you more likely to:

 a. Call a spade a spade

 b. Avoid labels

 

14. Would you rather be the one:

 a. Who rescues

 b. Who is rescued

 

15. Would you rather be:

 a. Respected for wisdom

 b. Honored for victory

 

16. Do you have more difficulty:

 a. Being seductive

 b. Being motherly

 

17. Are you more interested in:

 a. Directing

 b. Nurturing

 

18. Are you more interested in:

 a. Expanding limits

 b. Enhancing spaces

 

19. Are you more likely to be:

 a. Too practical

 b. Too adventuresome

 

20. Are people more likely to see you as:

 a. Helpful

 b. Cute

 

21. Which best describes you:

 a. Willing to stand alone

 b. Like to be close

 

22. Would you rather:

 a. Take a good look

 b. Look good

 

23. Would you be more likely to:

 a. Decide too soon

 b. Explore too long

 

24. Are you better at:

 a. Tending to people

 b. Flirting with people

 

25. Are you more likely to:

 a. Seek conclusions

 b. Keep options open

 

26. Would you rather be:

 a. Daring

 b. Attractive

 

27. Which are you more likely seen as:

 a. Determined survivor

 b. Heroic martyr

 

28. Are you more attentive to:

 a. Taking care of things

 b. Making things pretty

 

29. Are you more likely to:

 a. Listen to the lyrics

 b. Respond to the melody

 

30. Would you rather be:

 a. Strong and smart

 b. Charming and sweet

 

31. Would you rather tackle:

 a. A lesser challenge with more chances of success

 b. A greater challenge with less chances of success

 

32. Are you more interested in:

 a. Helping others

 b. Having fun

 

33. Which motto fits you best:

 a. My word is my bond

 b. I go with my heart

 

34. Are you more likely to:

 a. Rush into things

 b. Dilly dally about starting


35. Which best describes you:

 a. A decision maker

 b. A risk taker

 

36. Are you more like a:

 a. Lioness

 b. Kitten

 

37. In conversation are you more alert to:

 a. Words being spoken

 b. Feelings of speaker

 

38. Are you more likely to:

 a. Try hard to get

 b. Play hard to get

 

39. Are you more interested in:

 a. Supporting law and order

 b. Championing for change

 

40. Are you more likely to:

 a. Put up with more than you should

 b. Give up before you should

 



SCORING TEST 2

 

After completing all 40 questions, total your X marks in each column on the answer form and copy them here.

 

Totals in each column:

 

a.__b.__        c.__d.__         e.__f.__        g.__h.__

 

Column I      Column II       Column III      Column IV

 

Combine your scores as follows:

 

            SCORE A            SCORE B

 Add: Column I a.__          Column I b.__

        Column III e.__      Column IV g.__

                   Total: __                 Total: __

 

            SCORE C             SCORE D

 Add:  Column II c.__           Column I   d.__

            Column III f.__          Column IV h.__

                      Total: __                    Total: __

 


Now write your combined score totals below:

 

SCORE A: ___(KING)

 

SCORE B: ___(QUEEN)

 

SCORE C: ___(PRINCE)

 

SCORE D: ___(PRINCESS)

 

Rank your scores beginning with your highest numbers:

 

My highest score is: ________(Example: PRINCE 18)

 

My second highest is: ________(Example: KING 16)

 

My third highest is: ________(Example: QUEEN 4)

 

My lowest score is: ________(Example: PRINCESS 2)





ANSWER FORM FOR TEST 3

Place an X mark by your answer.

 

     A|B            A|B             A|B            A|B

1.  __|__     2. __|__      3.__|__     4.__|__

5.  __|__     6.__|__       7.__|__     8.__|__

9.  __|__   10.__|__     11.__|__    12.__|__

13.__|__   14.__|__    15.__|__     16.__|__

17.__|__   18.__|__    19.__|__     20.__|__

 

a__b__       c__d__      e__f__         g__h__

Column I   Column II   Column III   Column IV

 




TEST 3

 

1. Are you more likely to act like you:

 A. Know everything

 B. Don't know anything

 

2. Are you more likely to:

 A. Clean up after yourself

 B. Leave things for others to clean up

 

3. Are you more likely to feel:

 A. Inferior

 B. Superior

 

4. Would you be more likely to think:

 A. "Everybody's doing it"

 B. "Look what they did"

 

5. Do you tend to be:

 A. Too strict

 B. Too perfect

 

6. Are people more likely to think you are:

 A. Too good to get dirty

 B. Too lazy to clean up

 

7. Are you more likely to feel like saying to

 children:

 A. "You can do better than that"

 B. "Obey me or else"

 

8. While growing up, were you most likely seen as:

 A. A bad boy or girl

 B. A good boy or girl

 

9. Are you more likely to feel:

 A. Proud

 B. Humble

 

10. Are you more likely to feel like saying:

 A. "Let's all be nice"

 B. "Betcha can't make me"

 

11. Are you more likely to think of yourself as:

 A. Unworthy

 B. Better than others

 

12. Growing up, were you more apt to:

 A. Misbehave

 B. Behave yourself


13. Would you be more truthful if you said:

 A. "Because I said so"

 B. "Because you ought to"

 

14. Did your parents more likely see you as:

 A. A little angel

 B. A little devil

 

15. Are you more likely to:

 A. Try too hard to be perfect

 B. Be too authoritative

 

16. If a sign says "Wet Paint," are you more likely to:

 A. Touch and see

 B. Believe it

 

17. Are you more likely to be seen as:

 A. Self-righteous

 B. Self-sacrificial

 

18. Are you more likely to:

 A. Go by the rules

 B. Look for loopholes

 

19. Which sounds most like you:

 A. "I'm just following orders"

 B. "I know what's right"

 

20. Are you more likely to:

 A. Disagree with authorities

 B. Agree with authorities

 



SCORING TEST 3

 

After completing all 20 questions, total your X marks in each column on the answer form and copy them here.

 

Totals in each column:

 

a.__b.__        c.__d.__        e.__f.__         g.__h.__

 

Column I    Column II       Column III       Column IV

 

Combine your scores as follows:

 

            SCORE A            SCORE B

 Add: Column I a.__       Column I b.__

       Column III f.__      Column III e.__

                 Total:___               Total: ___

 


            SCORE C            SCORE D

 Add: Column II c.__          Column II d.__

         Column IV h.__        Column IV g.__

                   Total: ___                Total: ___

 


Now write your combined score totals below:


SCORE A:_________ (GOD)

 

SCORE B: ________(SAINT)

 

SCORE C: ________(DOLL)

 

SCORE D: ________(BRAT)

 

Rank your scores beginning with your highest numbers:

 

My highest score is:_______ (Example: BRAT 9)

 

My second highest is:_______ (Example: GOD 8)

 

My third highest is: _______(Example: SAINT 2)

 

My lowest score is: _______(Example: DOLL 1)

 




ANSWER FORM FOR TEST 4

Place an X mark by your answer.

 

       A|B              A|B             A|B              A|B     

1.   __|__     2.   __|__     3.  __|__     4.  __|__

5.  __|__     6.    __|__     7.  __|__     8.   __|__

9.  __|__    10.  __|__     11. __|__   12.  __|__

13. __|__   14.  __|__     15. __|__    16. __|__

17. __|__   18. __|__      19. __|__    20. __|__

 

    a__b__        c__d__       e__f__          g__h__

Column I     Column II     Column III    Column IV

 




TEST 4

 

1. Are you more likely to be:

 A. Too harsh

 B. Too soft

 

2. Are people more likely to see you as:

 A. Compliant

 B. Resistant

 

3. Do you more often act like:

 A. A really nice person

 B. The cock of the walk

 

4. Are you more likely to:

 A. Take advantage of others

 B. Be taken advantage of

 

5. Which are you more like:

 A. Concrete

 B. Putty

 

6. Do you have a harder time:

 A. Saying "No"

 B. Saying "Yes"

 

7. Which would people more likely think of you:

 A. "You're gentle; you can be trusted"

 B. "You're tough; you can do as you please"

 

8. Are you more likely to be seen as:

 A. Mean

 B. Sweet

 

9. Are you more likely to:

 A. Argue too long

 B. Give in too soon

 

10. Which best symbolizes you:

 A. Jelly

 B. Ice

 

11. Are you more likely to be:

 A. Too limp

 B. Too rigid

 

 

12. Are you more likely to try to control by:

 A. Cutting down with criticism

 B. Setting up with compliments


13. Are you more likely to be seen as:

 A. Omnipotent

 B. Impotent

 

14. Do you more often feel like:

 A. "Other people can do things better than I can"

 B. "Anything you can do, I can do better"

 

15. Are you more likely to be:

 A. Too submissive

 B. Too domineering

 

16. Are you more apt to feel like:

 A. "I'll get you"

 B. "I'll let you"

 

17. Would people more likely see you as:

 A. A bully

 B. A sissy

 

18. Do you tend more often to:

 A. Give up too quickly

 B. Hold out too long

 

19. Would people more likely see you as:

 A. A quiche eater

 B. A chauvinist

 

20. Are you more likely to think:

 A. "Men are jerks"

 B. "Men are wonderful"






SCORING TEST 4

 

After completing all 20 questions, total your X marks in each column on the answer form and copy them here.

 

Totals in each column:

 

a.__ b.__       c.__ d.__         e.__ f.__         g.__ h.__

 

Column I      Column II       Column III       Column IV

 

Combine your scores as follows:

 

              SCORE A             SCORE B

 Add:   Column I a.__         Column I b.__

           Column III f.__      Column III e.__

                    Total:___                 Total: ___



              SCORE C              SCORE D

 Add:    Column II c.__      Column II d.__

             Column IV h.__     Column IV g.__

                        Total:___               Total:___



Now write your combined score totals below:

 

SCORE A: ________(S.O.B.)

 

SCORE B: ________(WIMP)

 

SCORE C: ________(PATSY)

 

SCORE D: ________(WITCH)

 

Rank your scores beginning with your highest numbers:

 

My highest score is: ________(Example: S.O.B. 10)

 

My second highest is: ________(Example: WITCH 6)

 

My third highest is: ________(Example: PATSY 4)

 

My lowest score is: ________(Example: WIMP 0)

 




ANSWER FORM FOR TEST 5

Place an X mark by your answer.

 

     A|B              A|B              A|B             A|B

1.   __|__     2.   __|__     3.  __|__     4.  __|__

5.   __|__     6.   __|__     7.  __|__     8.  __|__

9.   __|__    10. __|__     11. __|__    12. __|__

13.__|__ 14.__|__ 15.__|__ 16.__|__

17.__|__ 18.__|__ 19.__|__ 20.__|__

21.__|__ 22.__|__ 23.__|__ 24.__|__

25.__|__ 26.__|__ 27.__|__ 28.__|__

29.__|__ 30.__|__ 31.__|__ 32.__|__

33.__|__ 34.__|__ 35.__|__ 36.__|__

37.__|__ 38.__|__ 39.__|__ 40.__|__

 

     a__b__      c__d__        e__f__         g__h__

Column I      Column II     Column III   Column IV

 

**********

 



TEST 5

 


1. Are you more likely to:

 A. Know you can

 B. Think you can't

 

2. About gifts you receive, are you more likely to feel:

 A. "Nothing is ever good enough"

 B. "Anything is too much"

 

3. Are you more likely to:

 A. Issue ultimatums

 B. Refuse to take a stand

 

4. Are you more likely to:

 A. Serve to gain favor

 B. Take charge and run things

 

5. Are you more likely to:

 A. Be too harsh on yourself

B. Feel sorry for yourself

 

6. Deep down, are you more likely to:

 A. Expect adoration

 B. Expect abuse

 

7. Are you more likely to:

 A. Have too little mercy

 B. Be too forgiving

 

8. If you were a woman would you more likely be seen as:

 A. Family slave

 B. Family matriarch

 

9. Would you be more likely to feel like saying:

 A. "Let me do it for you"

 B. "Won't you please help me"

 

10. Are you more likely to feel like:

 A. "Is that all I get"

 B. "Oh, I didn't deserve such a gift"

 

11. Which is a more common feeling for you:

 A. "Make them do as you say"

 B. "Be careful; don't rush into anything"


12. Are you more likely to:

 A. Take abuse

 B. Give punishment

 

13. Are you more likely to:

 A. Hang on too long

 B. Give up too soon

 

14. Which best describes you:

 A. Vain

 B. Ashamed

 

15. Are you more likely to:

 A. Refuse to delegate authority

 B. Delegate authority too soon

 

16. Are you more likely to:

 A. Ask for obedience but be tolerant

 B. Act tolerant but want obedience

 

17. Are you more likely to:

 A. Suffer in silence

 B. Complain openly

 

18. Are people more likely to see you as:

 A. Casual and flirty

 B. Prim and proper

 

19. Which best describes you:

 A. Jump to conclusions

 B. Can't make up my mind

 

20. Are you more likely to feel:

 A. Guilty

 B. Haughty

 

21. Which fits you best:

 A. Try to save others first

B. Try to save myself first

 

22. Are you more likely to:

 A. Tease

 B. Try to please

 

23. In managing, would you be more likely to:

 A. Make all the decisions yourself

 B. Turn all decisions over to a committee

 

24. Would you be more likely to say:

 A. "I'll do it for you"

 B. "I can take care of you"

 

25. Are you more likely to:

 A. Blame yourself

 B. Blame others

 

26. Would you best be described as a:

 A. Prima donna

 B. Cinderella

 

27. When opposed, are you more likely to:

 A. Attack

 B. Withdraw

 

28. Are you more likely to:

 A. "Work your fingers to the bone"

 B. Take on too many responsibilities

 

29. Are you more likely to:

 A. Attempt the impossible

 B. Avoid the possible

 

30. Which more often describes you:

 A. Self-righteous

 B. Self-negating

 

31. Are you more likely to act:

 A. Tyrannically

 B. Cowardly

 

32. Are you more likely to act like a:

 A. Bleeding Heart

 B. Smothering Mother

 

33. Are you more likely to be:

 A. Too serious

 B. Too frivolous

 

34. Deep down, are you more likely to:

 A. Expect to be taken care of

 B. Expect to be abandoned

 

35. Are you more like a:

 A. Lion

 B. Pussycat

 

36. Are people more likely to see you as a:

 A. Jewish Mother

 B. Door Mat

 

37. Which fits you best:

 A. "I'll try; I can do it"

 B. "Why try; you can't win"

 

38. Are you more likely to:

 A. Try to please without complaining

 B. Complain about what displeases you

 

39. Are you more like a:

 A. Dictatorial father

 B. Hen-pecked husband

 

40. Which best describes you:

 A. Submissive

 B. Invincible

 



SCORING TEST 5

 

After completing all 40 questions, total your X marks in each column on the answer form and copy them here.

 

Totals in each column:

 

a.__b.__        c.__d.__         e.__f.__        g.__h.__

 

Write in your scores in the following blanks:

 

SCORE a:______ (MARTYR)

 SCORE b:______ (JERK)

 SCORE c: ______(BITCH)

 SCORE d: ______(MAID)

 SCORE e: ______(TYRANT)

 SCORE f: _______(COWARD)

 SCORE g: _______(SLAVE)

 SCORE h: ________(SUPER-MOM)

 

 Rank your scores beginning with your highest numbers:

 

My highest score is: _________(Example: MAID 9)

My second highest is: _______(Example: COWARD 8)

My third highest is: _________(Example: SLAVE 7)

My fourth highest is:_________(Example: MARTYR 6)

My fifth highest is: _________(Example: JERK 4)

My sixth highest is: _________(Example SUPER-MOM 3)

My seventh highest is: _________(Example: TYRANT 2)

My lowest score is: _________(Example: BITCH 1)


Overall Profile Sheet

 

Use this sheet to summarize the results of your scores on the five tests.

 

1. My major (best developed) capacity is:_____________________.

 (Highest score on Test I; Example: Youth: 22)

 

2. My minor (least developed) capacity is: ___________________.

 (Lowest score on Test I; Example: Male: 2)

 

3. My mid-range capacities are:_______________________________.

 (Middle scores on Test I; Example: Female 18, Adult 6)

 

4. My major role is:_________________________.

 (Highest score on Test 2; Example: Prince, 18)

 

5. My minor role is:_________________________.

 (Lowest score on Test 2; Example: Princess, 2)

 

6. My mid-range roles are:_____________________________________.

 (Middle scores on Test 2; Example: King 16, Queen 4)

 

7. My major capacity demon is :____________________.

 (Highest score on Test 3; Example: Brat 9)

 

8. My minor capacity demon is:___________________.

 (Lowest score on Test 3; Example: Doll 1)

 

9. My major gender demon is:_________________________.

 (Highest score on Test 4; Example: S.O.B. 10)

 

10. My minor gender demon is:_________________________.

 (Lowest score on Test 4; Example: Wimp 0)

 

11. My major role demon is:_________________________.

 (Highest score on Test 5; Example: Maid 9)

 

12. My minor role demon is:_________________________.

 (Lowest score on Test 5; Example: Bitch 1)

 

13. My Inner Circle demon score is:_________________.

 (Total of Coward, Saint, Slave, Patsy, Maid,

 Doll, Martyr, and Wimp)

 

14. My Outer Circle demon score is:_________________.

 (Total of God, Super-mom, Witch, Bitch, Brat,

 Jerk, SOB, and Tyrant)

 

**********

 




CHAPTER 2

 

OVERVIEW

 

*************

 

BEFORE PROCEEDING

 

CONSIDER RETURNING TO CHAPTER 1 AND TAKING INVENTORIES.

 


This book is about becoming yourself--what it means and how to do it, and living positively with others. It may be used as a personal guidebook for facing and becoming yourself and improving your relationships, or for increasing your understanding about yourself and others--or both.

 

Chapter 1, which preceded this overview, includes 5 self-scoring tests which may be used as a guideline for following what-to-do suggestions given later. If your only interest is in understanding angels and demons, the subjects of the book, proceed with this chapter. However, if you wish to use the exercises given later, consider returning to Chapter I and taking the tests before reading further. Information about the concepts may influence the way you answer the questions, perhaps effecting the usefulness of the tests for you.

 



BOOK OVERVIEW

 

The premises of the book are: The good life involves being yourself and loving others. To be yourself means to exist with your human capacities embraced and activated--to become all that you are created capable of being. In theological language: to be yourself, or, to become fully human is to be in God, that is, in the kingdom of God, called Eden or heaven. It is heavenly to be yourself completely. On the other hand, to be less than human, to exist with portions of your actual capacities unembraced, is to be--to that same extent--out of Eden or heaven, away from God, or, in varying degrees, in hell. It's hell not to be yourself.

 

Unembraced capacities--that which we potentially are, but have not yet become--cry out to be embraced. These voices from what we are not yet, but might be, are conceived, in this theological perspective, to be from God. They are our angels, or messengers from God. When the angels are heeded, we become more of ourselves--that is, more fully human and hence in the presence of God. We live the good life in the here and now.

 

But, when the angels are not heeded, when a part of human capacity is denied or negated, then a void occurs within us. This void is immediately filled with negative forces which are not truly ourselves. These forces also speak to us. They are our demons. They call us to try to become what we are not; they invite us to be unreal, not who we truly are. When we heed the demons rather than the angels, we fail to become who we are; instead, we get possessed by these unreal forces. We try to be what we are not.

 

ANGELS: Voices of unembraced real capacities.

DEMONS: Voices of embraced unreal capacities.

 

An angel is a part of me which I think is not me, an unaccepted part of myself.

A demon is a part of not-me which I think is me, an accepted part of a non-self.

 

An angel is my denied real self.

A demon is my accepted unreal self.

 

In this book the angels, representing unembraced human capacities, and the demons, the forces which appear when we are not ourselves, are named and described. Their inter-relationships are explored. Practical suggestions are given on how to understand and heed angels rather than remain possessed by demons. Guidelines are also given for relating lovingly to other persons who are possessed by demons, that is, who are not being themselves at the time.

 

*********




MAJOR IDEAS

1. THERE ARE FOUR PRIMARY HUMAN CAPACITIES, PERSONIFIED HERE AS: YOUTH AND ADULT, MALE AND FEMALE.

 

2. FOUR MAJOR ROLES ARE: PRINCE AND PRINCESS, KING AND QUEEN.

 

3. UNEMBRACED CAPACITIES CALL FOR ACCEPTANCE; UNLEARNED ROLES CALL FOR LEARNING. THEY ARE THE ANGELS WHO INVITE US TO BECOME OUR LARGER SELVES AND TO LIVE CREATIVELY IN THE WORLD.

 

4. VOIDS ARE CREATED WHEN CAPACITIES ARE DENIED AND ROLES UNLEARNED. DESTRUCTIVE FORCES, DEMONS, APPEAR TO REPLACE THEM.

 

5. GOOD LIVING REQUIRES EACH OF THE CAPACITIES AND ROLES WHICH ARE POTENTIAL FOR US. THEY ARE ACQUIRED THROUGH EXERCISING OUR ANGELS AND EXORCISING OUR DEMONS--WHICH IS WHAT THIS BOOK IS ALL ABOUT.



MAJOR IDEAS EXPANDED


1. FOUR PRIMARY HUMAN CAPACITIES


Specific human capacities can be described from many perspectives. Two are chosen here: Age and Gender. The entire range of human potential is broken down here into two categories drawn from language about chronology and sex--Youth and Adult (from Age category), Male and Female (from Gender category). The broad scope of what it means to be human is subdivided into these four areas.

 

The four primary human capacities summarizing the wealth of all human potential are: 1) to spond and 2) re-spond, in a 3) firm or 4) yielding manner; these are personified here as Youth (capacity for spontaneity), Adult (capacity for responsibility), Male (for firmness), and Female (for yielding).

 

The two most basic human capacities are: sponding and re-sponding. First we may spond--that is, spontaneously express ourselves, as in breathing; then we may re-spond or spond-back to what we perceive. After the doctor's slap, for example, a baby may re-spond by crying out. Sponding and re-sponding are the primal capacities of life. With them we survive as individuals and enhance our circumstances. In this book these two human capacities are personified as Youth and Adult. From the perspective of Age, Youth represents the basic human capacity to spontaneously express ourselves; Adult symbolizes the additional capacity to spond again, to take in data, compute it, and spond again.

 

The next set of primary capacities emerges from our genetic heritage which allows us to survive as a race. Personified from the perspective of Gender, these are Male and Female. Male stands for overt power, the capacity to be aggressive and dominant in the world; Female represents covert power, the human capability for being receptive and submissive.


These four primary capacities, represented in this book by personifications from the perspectives of Age and Gender as Youth and Adult, Male and Female, are our common raw materials, the substances of our lives. They are our givens, the stuff of being. From them, all else emerges. All the diverse abilities which we find in human beings are rooted in these four basic capacities.

 

2. FOUR MAJOR ROLES

 

Four major human roles give shape and form to the four primary capacities in various combinations. They are personified here as Prince and Princess, King and Queen. The Prince role combines the capacities of Youth and Male; Princess combines Youth and Female. King is a combination of Male and Adult; Queen, Female and Adult (See Chapter 3 for amplification).

 

When a single human being is viewed from the perspectives of Age and Gender the four capacities overlap. Youth is both Male and Female; Adult is also. Male is both Youth and Adult, as is Female. These mergings of the capacities of Age and Gender appear in life as four major human roles or ways of being. When the capacities of Youth are combined with the capacities of Male, the role of the Prince becomes possible. When the capacities of Youth are combined with those of Female, the Princess role emerges.

 

The four major capacities, Youth and Adult, Male and Female, are the unshaped substances of life. They are the materials for what-we-are, who-we-be. Existentially they represent being. The four roles which become possible when these capacities of being (Age and Gender) are merged may be thought of as ways-of-being. They--Prince and Princess, King and Queen--represent our possibilities for doing. The basic capacities summarize our being; the four roles summarize our doing. We can be Youth and Adult, Male and Female; we can do the acts of Prince and princess, King and Queen.


3. UNEMBRACED CAPACITIES AND UNLEARNED ROLES

 

Unembraced capacities and unlearned roles call for acceptance and learning. They are our angels. Ideally we embrace all of our given capacities in each of the four areas--Youth and Adult, Male and Female, and learn to play well the four primary roles which become possible from the merging of capacities. That is, each person becomes whole--spontaneous and responsible, overtly and covertly powerful, and skillful in acting the roles of Prince and Princess, King and Queen, each as it is appropriate to the times and circumstances of life.

 

In practice, however, such ideals are uncommon. In ordinary life we tend to partially embrace our capacities in only one or two of the major areas, perhaps developing our spontaneity (Youth) but not our responsibility (Adult); or, embracing our Maleness but not our Femaleness. Most often we learn only one role well, then try to make it work in all situations. For example, men may try to function in the world as Princes only. Women often try to live well with only their Queenly role perfected.

 

But even when unembraced, these capacities remain present though unactivated. Like children kept locked in a back room, or talents unexplored, they cry out for freedom and expression. These voices from our unembraced selves--our unactivated capacities and unlearned roles, are our angels. Angels call us to become our fuller selves. They invite us to be in fact who we are in potential.

 

From the four major capacities and the four roles possible from their overlap, these voices come. When any capacity is not accepted, for example, responsibility (Adult), it calls, inviting the spontaneous Youth to spond-again, to become responsible also. These voices, the angels, are named here for the sources from which they come. The voice from one's unembraced Adult, for instance, is named the Adult angel. When a person has not activated his feminine capacity for covert power, to be receptive, this unaccepted voice becomes his Female angel. All of the eight angels, which will be amplified later, represent the four major capacities and the four roles which emerge from their overlap. Each one is the voice of a human capacity yet to be embraced or a role not yet learned.

 

4. COMING OF DEMONS

 

When a capacity is banished--avoided completely--not simply pushed into a back room, a void is created in oneself. Destructive forces become operative in such a void. These forces are named demons in this book. Just as angels personify the powers of unembraced real capacities, demons name the forces of the unreal capacities which appear in the absence of those which are real.

 

When a capacity is first denied or held down, like compressed steam, that capacity pushes back, urging itself toward activation. Our perceptions of these urges are personified as angels. But when an angel's voice is completely denied hearing--that is, when any capacity is totally voided, another force appears, this one destructive rather than constructive. This force, personified, becomes a demon.

 

Two opposite types of demons are commonly available for each such void: one represents an exaggeration of the denied real capacity, and another, its diminishing. The first type of demon calls us to try to be more than human, that is, more than we can, in reality, be; the second type tempts us to try to be less than human--to evade our real powers. Humanity involves a limited amount of power. To be human is to be powerful, within certain real limits. The first type of demon tempts us to try to be more powerful than we actually are--to be omnipotent. The second, from an opposite perspective, calls us to be less powerful than we in fact are--to be impotent, relatively speaking.

 

Two such demons, one tempting us to the unreal state of trying to be more than we can be, the other to the equally unreal condition of less than we in fact are, are available to replace every negated real capacity and every unlearned role. When, for example, Adult capacities are denied and the Adult angel's voice goes unheeded, then one of two demons (often both) is predictable. The first represents an exaggeration of real Adult capacities; the second, a diminishing of these same capacities. This first demon is given the name, in this book, God; the second is called, Saint. When we refuse to be Adult, embracing our real but limited powers, then we can expect to be possessed by one of these two demons. The God demon will lead us toward omnipotence; the Saint demon, toward impotence.

 

A corresponding set of demons is predictable for the void of any other of our given human capacities. For example, the Male capacity for overt power, when denied, is first represented by the voice of the Male angel calling one to embrace masculinity. When one refuses to hear this voice, completely avoiding masculinity, a void is created in the person. Two distinguishable forces are available for this void: one is an unreal exaggeration of overt power; the other an opposite but equally unreal negation of overt power. Maleness denied will predictably be replaced by an SOB demon (the exaggerated type), or a Wimp demon (the diminished type). When one is possessed by a SOB demon he tries to be harder than he in fact is; when the Wimp is in control, one attempts to be softer than he really is. Or, one may get possessed by both and oscillate between the dominance of first one demon and then the other. In either case, what the person is, in reality--his true Maleness, remains unembraced, replaced by something which he is not, namely, a SOB or Wimp, or both.

 

Each of the other capacities and roles is correspondingly replaceable by destructive opposite demons. The following chapters amplify these capacities and roles, angels and demons.


5. GOOD LIVING

 

To live well, to be productive and happy in this present world, we need to embrace our given human capacities and to learn and use the major roles. Good living involves being who-we-are, that is, activating our potential as human beings. The more completely we become ourselves--accept and experience our capacities in the world--the happier we are.


But being ourselves, existing with human potential activated, is not enough. We all live in society, in the midst of other persons. This means that human capacities must be shaped and exercised in ways which are positive and productive in social situations. We must act in ways which allow us to live in harmony with others. This requires roles or shapes for exercising our varied capacities. In our current society the four primary roles described here are essential for effective functioning in the variety of social situations common to us all. We all need to be able to act, at one time or another, like a Prince and Princess, King and Queen. Specific situations call for one role or the other, but in the process of living for long, we are likely to need them all, sooner or later.

 

In practice though, we seldom embrace our full human potential or learn to use each of the roles. We get possessed by various demons which limit being ourselves or functioning effectively in social situations. We try to get by with only part of our capacities activated. We attempt all our goals with only one or more of the roles. Before we can live well we must get back in touch with who we are and develop the skills required for relating positively with other persons.

 

In the language of this book this means exorcising our demons--getting rid of the destructive forces which stand in the way of becoming ourselves and existing effectively with others, and exercising our angels--practicing response to the positive elements of who-we-are and how-we-may-act in relation to other persons. And then, on to loving one another.



 DEFINITIONS

 

Following are brief definitions of the most common words used throughout the book. Understanding the language (as defined here) may be useful in grasping the ideas which emerge from it. Some of the words are used in an unusual manner--with added connotations or with common meanings not intended.

 

CAPACITY: Human potential; the substance of who-we-are; the essence of being human; what is involved in being ourselves; capacity is divided here into four major parts, each personified in the figures of Youth, Adult, Male, and Female.

 

EMBRACING CAPACITY: The process of activating a particular capacity in one's daily life; embracing is accepting what is given by nature as a part of oneself and experiencing that capacity in everyday living.

 

YOUTH: The human capacity for spontaneity, for sponding to reality in a totally personal way, as though consequences do not exist; best seen in play; although the name is commonly associated with chronological age, no numerical age is implied here. Older people also have the capacity named here as Youth.

 

ADULT: Human potential for re-sponding, sponding again, taking into account prior experience; often called responsibility and more often identified with work than play. Like Youth, Adult is not intended to refer to chronology; children may at times be more Adult than their parents.

 

MALE: A personification of the human option for responding to reality in a firm or assertive manner; overt power; the capacity for being dominant; although commonly used for men only, Male is here intended for this capacity in whichever gender it appears.

 

FEMALE: Gender-related word used here in a genderless manner for the human capacity for softness, for responding to the world in a yielding manner; covert power; our option for being soft and receptive. Applicable to men as well as women.

 

ROLE: A behavioral stance, a pattern of actions emerging from the activation of human capacities; a way-of-acting which involves various combinations of the four basic capacities. The multiplicity of specific actions possible are grouped here into four primary roles: Prince, Princess, King, and Queen.

 

LEARNING ROLES: Unlike capacities which are inherited or given and therefore to be embraced, roles are patterns of behavior which are to be learned. Capacities come naturally; roles come from training. Like other skills, they are to be acquired and practiced.

 

PRINCE: A pattern of behaviors in which the human capacities for Youth and Male (spontaneity and firmness) are combined. Best summarized with the word, explorer. Playfully the Prince asserts himself in exploring reality.

 

PRINCESS: Charming is the key word for this behavior pattern which combines the playfulness of Youth with the softness of Female. In this role one attracts rather than explores; covert power is wielded in an appealing manner.

 

KING: The King role involves directing; overt power is wielded as the capacities for Adult responsibility are combined with the firmness of Male. In this role one takes charge of what is happening.

 

QUEEN: Covert power is manifest in this combination of the receptivity of Female capacity and responsibility of Adult. Nurturing is the key descriptive word for this mode of behavior which is possible for men as well as women.

 

ANGEL: The voice of one's unembraced capacities. Denied capacities do not go away; though unactivated, still they call for acceptance. These inclinations to become our larger selves, to be all that we are created capable of being, are personified here as angels who call us to become who-we-are.

 

DEMON: When real capacities, and the roles which normally represent them, are denied, voids are created in who-we-are. Negative or destructive forces quickly appear to fill these empty places. These are personified as demons--not-me powers which come when are-me capacities are denied.

 

POSSESSION: The state of a person when one or more real human capacities or the roles which represent them have been negated and replaced by negative forces personified here as demons. When possessed, a person is not choosing what he says or does; he is not being himself. His words and actions are being dictated by the possessing demon.

 

EXORCISM: The process by which the inhuman power of a demon is denied and replaced by the humanity of the person. One quits not-being himself and begins to-be himself. The demon, metaphorically speaking, is cast out when the person who was possessed reassumes his option for being him or herself rather than being dictated by a demon.

 

EXERCISM: A coined word to parallel EXORCISM; drawn from the word, exercise, meaning to employ or use. To exercise a demon is to allow the demon to lead one around like a dog on a leash. Such a possessed person, in effect, parades the demon in public, as though it were himself. He speaks and acts-out the dictates of the demon, often sincerely believing the demon to be his real self. When a demon is not exorcised it is inevitably exercised. Ideally we only exercise our angels.

 

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CHAPTER 3

 

CAPACITIES

 

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UNDERSTANDING HUMAN CAPACITIES

 

Human capacities may be divided and viewed from many perspectives. Here two major categories are chosen: Age and Gender. Others might have been selected, each with its own advantages and disadvantages. Chronology and sexuality, common to us all, are used here.

 

The category of Age (time) is further subdivided and personified into the figures of Youth and Adult. Gender (sex) is likewise divided. Male and Female are these personifications. These names, Youth and Adult, Male and Female, are used to summarize all major human capacities.

 

Although each of these words is ordinarily used in a literal sense, here they are intended metaphorically, to stand for identifiable capacities common to us all. The name, Youth, for example, is used as a title, a personification of certain human capacities which are more commonly viewed in actual children. Here, however, Youth is used figuratively rather than literally. It is taken as a name for certain capacities, not for an actual age, such as, one to seventeen. Capacities identified with the name Youth may also be found in chronological adults. Conversely, six-year-olds have the potential for capacities identified with the name Adult.

 

In like manner the Gender category is used metaphorically. The name Male stands for certain capacities more often identified with gendered men, but is not intended to mean literal males--humans with penises. Male, as used here, stands for universal human capacities commonly identified as masculine. Literally, Male here means masculinity. Female, likewise, is used to name capacities often identified with women, but here the literal female with a vagina is not implied. Gendered men also have the capacities, in varying degrees, identified under the name Female. To understand this use of personification for the distinctions which follow, the reader should continually bear in mind that each name used is always to be taken figuratively rather than literally. All human beings have, potentially, the capacities identified with these four familiar words.

 

To summarize: In the descriptions which follow, all human capacities are generalized and viewed from two perspectives, Age and Gender. Age identified capacities are subdivided and summarized under the names, Youth and Adult. Gender related capacities are personified as Male and Female.

 

Because we are also unique individuals, each person has varying degrees of the named capacities; some have more possibilities for Youth capacities, others for those labeled as Adult; some are gifted with more Male capacities, others with more of those summarized as Female. But in common, all persons have, potentially, some degree of the capacities identified with each of the four names. Everyone has, within the realm of their personhood, some Youth, Adult, Male, and Female. The degrees of each may vary, but the presence of all is given to all of us.

 

When one is fully human, his or her given degree of capacity within each of the four areas is accepted and activated in daily life. Everyone who is, literally, him or herself, that is, a whole person, is a combination of Youth and Adult, Male and Female.

 

HUMAN BEING

 

Broadly speaking, Youth and Adult, the two Age related capacities, are what we can be; the two Gender related capacities, Male and Female, are how we can be.


What can we be? 1. Spontaneous, and 2. Responsible. First, we can spond to reality--that is, be spontaneous out of what-we-are. A baby may spontaneously look toward light and reach for an object (called sponding here). Then, we can re-spond or spond-again, based on what happened. If the light is too bright, the baby may re-spond by closing his eyes; if the object is too hot, he may re-spond by letting go immediately.

 

All human possibilities emerge from these two basic capacities to spond and re-spond.

 


HUMAN CAPACITIES

 

The complexities of sponding, past single sense experiences like seeing light, and of re-sponding (shutting eyes if it is too bright), are immense; yet they can all be reduced to these two basics. After all is said and done, we can only be sponsive and re-sponsive. Or, in the more familiar words, we can be spontaneous and responsible.

 

Spontaneity may best be summarized with the word play. When we are being spontaneous, we are playing. Responsibility is commonly seen as work. Being responsible is usually thought of as working.

In this book we personify these two most elemental human capacities in the figures of Youth and Adult. Youth is used as a name for the human capacity to be spontaneous--to be playful; Adult stands for our possibility of being responsible--that is, of working.

 

The second pair of human capacities is related to how-we-be what-we-can-be. We can spond and re-spond in two major ways: we can 1. Be firm, and 2. Be yielding, that is, assertive or receptive. The baby can spond toward an object by assertively grasping it, or by receptively waiting for it.

 

Being firm or assertive may be summarized with the adjective, hard; being receptive or yielding, with soft. The Gender category provides useful personifications for these two major ways of being. Here Male is used to represent our common capacity for being assertive (hard); Female, for being receptive (soft).

 

 

SUMMARY

 

We humans have four major capacities--two related to what-we-can-be, and two about how-we-can-be. We can play and work--that is, be spontaneous and responsible, and we can be hard and soft, firm and yielding.

 

A whole person includes the capacities for being Youth and Adult, Male and Female.

 

 

WHO-WE-ARE

 

YOUTH

 

Youth represents the primal human capacity for sponding--that is, for doing what comes before re-sponding. Sponding is a coined word from Latin, spondere, which is the root of the second part of the English word, re-spond, meaning, literally, to spond again or spond back. Before we can spond back or respond, we must spond first. This is a primary description of youthfulness: sponding.

 

A coined word is chosen because no familiar word seems adequate for expressing this the most elemental of all human capacities. The Latin word, spondere, means to promise, to make an offering, to pledge oneself. Spondere is also the root of the words, spend, sponsor, spouse, and spontaneous. Perhaps spontaneous comes closest to translating the coined word, sponding. Youthfulness is about spontaneity. Like spending and spouse, it means to be committed, on the line, on the spot.

 

When my children were small they had a next door friend named Jeffy, aged three. Jeffy would often appear at our back door, knock once, and stand there. When I opened the door, he would always say: Well, here I am.


Jeffy personified the spirit of sponding. He came on spontaneously, just as he was, committed to being his natural self. What we saw was what we got. Youth is like that, appearing spontaneously--sincere, without guile, guilt, or pretense--just as one is.

 

In practice, Youth represents automatically being ourselves, that is, activating inherited instincts for survival: breathing and eating, plus sensing--seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, tasting--as though for the first time and as though one were alone in the world. Imagine a baby just emerging from the womb; what he does is sponding. He bes (is being) himself. He activates his inherited inclinations to live. Automatically he gasps for air and, in time, sucks for food; soon he will also grasp for objects, look at lights, listen to sounds, and smell odors. Spontaneously he will reach out to touch and taste, activating the primal sense capacities which are given to humans.

 

Within the limitations of each of these capacities which summarize who-he-is just then, he seeks optimal intake and encounter--just as much air as his lungs will hold, as much milk as his stomach can take, plus a meeting with the lights, sounds, smells, and touches which fall within the range of his limited senses. Id, as Freud might say, is in action. The pleasure principle--seeking pleasure/avoiding pain--is at work. His human capacities, in all their wonder and limitations, are brought fully to bear on and in the world as he finds it.

 

Unhindered by experience, uninhibited by education, Youth comes on in the world, naturally, spontaneously, as-he-is. Innocently and naively, with only the knowledge imbedded in his genes and the senses imbedded in his body, this child of the universe meets the world as it is. He sponds.

 

Playfulness is the summary word used here for this primary human capacity for sponding. Youth, sponding, is playful.


CAPACITIES OF YOUTH

 

For further clarification Youthfulness may be broken down into six areas, all overlapping, yet distinctive.

 

SUBJECTIVE (Self-full)

 

Youth's subject is I. Like the earth before Galileo, Youth is the center of its own universe. Everything else revolves around this centered self. Youth is full of itself and fully brings itself, as main subject, into the objective world. In Freudian metaphors, Youth compares to Id--the primal, genetic and biological center of instincts, urges, and desires born of countless aeons of evolution, existing for itself.

 

The negatively judged word, selfish, may be used to describe the subjectivism of Youth; yet the condemnation is inappropriate. Youth is self-full, full-of-itself, and wisely concerned with its own existence--both survival and enhancement. Intuitively, instinctively, Youth brings its deeper self--needs and desires--to wherever it finds itself. Youth helps itself.

 

When the plate is passed, Youth goes first and takes for itself the biggest and best, expressive of its centeredness. Others may judge this subjectivism as selfish, and therefore bad, which, from the standpoint of society it may be; yet what appears as selfishness to others is, literally, self-full-ness--only the natural expression of any self which is aware and honest.

 

To outsiders, Youth appears, in its centered-selfness, to believe it is God--that is, to have rights over the world. Not so, however, for one who embraces this common human capacity. Youthfulness only assumes the innate right-to-be-here, which is inherent in all life-forms. Youth does not think it is God, but rather, as the classic DESIDERATA states: a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, and, therefore, with a right to be here. Youth courageously activates our shared right to be human, subjective in the midst of the objective world.

 

As a subject which is fully subjective, Youth has full access to our deepest and most personal inherited knowledge, the profundity of our genes, emotions, and senses. Having learned nothing (How do we know to breath and suck?), Youth brings, without pride or humility, the wisdom of evolutionary history to each subjective moment.

 

NATURAL

 

As a subjectively centered self, Youth represents naturalness. What you see is what you get. Youthfulness is naked in the world, that is, without cloak or cover--and innocent at the same time. Youth doesn't get naked as a rebellious act; Youth is naturally naked. Like a baby, not yet diapered, Youth appears letting it all hang out.

 

Aware without being self-conscious, Youth's subjective wisdom is continually activated. His (or her) genes are operative; his emotions are activated; his senses are scanning--accurately within the limits of their given ranges. He sees, for example, what is, because he is looking with his natural, uneducated-by-society, eyes. When the Emperor has no clothes, Youth knows it. And is apt to say so.

 

His nose too is naturally alert. Subjectively in tune, Youthfulness smells. If your breath is bad, Youth says so. It notes what is, innocently, without judgment or praise. If your arm has been cut off, Adults may pretend to ignore your hanging sleeve; not so for Youths. What happened to your arm?, asks the natural Youth. And strangely, to the Adult mind, you don't mind telling him. You may even be glad he asked. The naturalness of Youth is infectious. It makes you remember when.

 

HERE AND NOW

 

Subjectively present in the natural world, Youth is also focused in the here and now. Attention is given to and absorbed in that which is evident. In an eternal sense, Youth is engrossed in the moment, timeless.


The fact that it is hard to teach children to tell time (Don't you know it's time for school), easily obscures Adult awareness of Youth's inherent knowledge of eternal time. Youth may not be on time, at least for Adult functions, yet this human capacity is timely. Without knowing what time it is (by the clock or calendar), Youthfulness is alert to natural timeliness--when to eat, when to sleep, when to quit, when enough is enough.

 

This use of the word, Youth is, it should be remembered, metaphorical. We borrow a word more commonly used for children, the chronologically young, to speak of a human capacity innate within persons of any age. Children, of course, may be as out of touch with this human capacity as older adults often are. In either case, for clarity's sake, recall as you read these descriptions, that we refer to a potential we all have, not to literal children.

 

Viewed negatively, as chronological adults are apt to do, this element of Youthfulness, can be labeled as impatience (You just can't wait for anything), ignorance (You can't tell time), or irresponsibility (You are always late). Actually it is a deeper involvement in the immediate moment, the present time and place, which is taking precedence over other objective concerns. This sense of nowness or heightened consciousness in the present, is, like all human capacities, ethically neutral--neither bad nor good. The possibility of full absorption in the here and now is simply one other aspect of human potential, an element in our Youthfulness.

 

SATISFACTION NOW

 

Focused on the here and now, Youthfulness is also concerned with immediate satisfaction. Youth wants what it wants when it wants it, which, usually, is right now. Existing fully present in the moment, the Youth-within-us-all desires that its wishes, wants, and tastes be brought to fulfillment at once.

 

Instant gratification, this capacity is sometimes called in a judgmental tone, as though it were bad. Young people expect instant gratification these days, I recently heard a condemning parent say. If the judgment can be separated from the phrase, the description is accurate. Our Youth capacity is indeed related to desire--present tense, rather than deferred until later. Powerful, immediate desire is a good description of this element of Youthfulness. Youth really wants strongly and at once whatever it desires. This may be contrasted with weak wanting coupled with willingness to delay or remain unfilled, which is often viewed as a virtue in society.

 

The question asked by this capacity is: What do I want to do now? Not: What should I do?, or, What will I want to do later?, or even, What will happen if I do this?, but, Where do my desires lead me in this moment and place?

 

PERSONAL DISCRIMINATION

 

Youth discriminates on the basis of personal satisfaction, usually rooted in biology, emotions, sensations, or past experience. Decisions are reached, not on the basis of logic, reason, social structures, or even consequences, as much as from the context of: like/dislike. Is this what I want to do? Will it feel good or bad? Will my senses be rewarded? Did I like it last time? Does it look like something I didn't like before?

 

Inner-directed is a good summary phrase for this element of Youthfulness. Guidance for choices comes from within, and usually from below the level of conscious thought. When this capacity is in operation, outside direction is at a minimum. One is seemingly impervious to influence, even from those most significant to the person. No, I don't like spinach, no matter what you say, Mother. Inner-direction is so strong that outside guidance is relevant only as something to react against. If Mother says, No, you can't have any spinach, only then may Youth become interested in the possibility. Otherwise, want to/don't want to, or like/don't like, rules supreme.

 

Viewed negatively, this capacity is often dubbed as stubbornness or hard-headedness. This is only because Youthfulness is so difficult to control and manipulate by others. Actually, the quality is related to a deep contact and respect for personal integrity which is limited to body only, not yet including mind or social position.

 

FREEDOM

 

The sixth major element in Youthfulness is a deep attraction to freedom. Youth strongly desires to make up my own mind, to not be told what to do. Youth wants to keep its options open, to avoid being pinned down. Don't Fence Me In, could be a theme song of this part of Youth capacity.

 

With the limitations of reality held at bay, with all options open, one with this capacity embraced is inherently creative. Being freed from restrictions of mind, society, and the firm knowledge of what can and can't be done, such a person can easily visualize what might be. Fantasy and imagination are daily fare for this one who can dream of things not here or yet.

 

Others may view one who has realized this capacity within himself as an idealist, or, negatively, as an unrealistic dreamer, who has his head in the clouds, rather than his feet on the ground. This ability-to-dream is, however, but one of the expressions of Youth's capacity for freedom.

 

Romance is another. Freedom embraced and brought into the company of others often reflects in the multicolored wonders of romance. Reality is pushed beyond its obvious edges. Human possibilities unmeasurable by the instruments of science are activated in human relationships.

 

Art too emerges from this final element of Youthfulness. Painters, sculptors, philosophers, writers, as well as those who shape new forms for home, family, business, and industry all find their resources in this aspect of Youthfulness. Creativity in all its diverse forms, the growing edge of change in society, finds its deepest sources in this awesome freedom which is but one element of the human potential labeled here as Youth.

 

ADULT

 

Adulthood, the complement of Youthfulness, is also the counterpart of sponding, the major characteristic of Youth. Youth sponds; Adult re-sponds, that is, sponds back or sponds again. A good summary description of Adulthood is re-spond-ability, in italics to imply certain distinctions from the familiar meaning of responsibility.

 

Re-spond-ability is the ability-to-spond-back, taking into account the results of the initial spond or first commitment of oneself. Youth sponds from within himself, for example: a baby seeing a fire is naturally attracted to the flickering light. Spontaneously (sponding) he reaches to touch the fire. But then, with additional information about heat, the baby re-sponds by pulling back his hand. Taking into account the results of his first experience, his spond is followed by a second spond, a re-spond, which is different from the first. Confronted with fire a second time, if our illustrative baby has embraced his re-spond-ability, he will likely re-spond differently, probably by pulling back his hand.

 

Re-spond-ability means learning from experience. Innocently Youth reaches out to the world, expressive of his native capacities. Immediately, new information comes (fire burns). Then, with experience garnered from sponding, education in the School Of Hard Knocks, one may reshape his future sponds--that is, if he learns, if he embraces his Adult ability-to-re-spond. Otherwise, as Youth only, he keeps on getting burned again and again, never learning from his experience.

 

In the language of computers, Adulthood is like computing data, re-weighing old information in the light of new input. Our baby, before reaching out, did not know that fire burns. His move, based on old information, was reasonably and predictable. But once his computer is re-programmed, with data about pain, he will react (re-spond) otherwise, should fire be presented again.


Ordinarily, the word responsibility is associated with duty or doing what you should. This coined break down of the word, re-spond-ability, is intended to get back to its root meaning. Re-spond-ability is but another human capacity, complementing the spond-ability of Youth. For convenience sake hereafter we will use the more familiar spelling, responsibility; but no sense of duty, ought, or should--all related to a particular society's or religion's value system--are implied in this use of the term. Here we mean the native human capacity to learn from experience, to take in and utilize new information, to add memory to impulse, reason to desire.

 

The word work may be used to summarize this Adult capacity; yet it too must be voided of its common associations with duty and should. The Adult type of work meant here is simply the productive use of energy, taking into account one's knowledge of cause and effect, plus the desire to enhance circumstances. One works, in this sense, as an extension of the playfulness of the Youth, not to escape play or to engage in some virtuous activity called work in society.

 

With these clarifications, the two summary words used here to represent our common capacity for Adulthood are: responsibility and work. Youth has fun; Adult tends to business. Youth plays; Adult is responsible and works. This part of human potential can also be broken down, for thought purposes, into six elements.

 

OBJECTIVE

 

To the subjectivity of Youth, Adult adds objectivity. The centered self, with this addition, sees not only itself, but beyond itself also. The wider world is added. As subject (Youth), one sees objects. As self, one sees others. If Youth is inside or self-centered, Adult is outside or other-centered. Youth is, as it were, selfish; Adult, conversely, appears to be self-less. Youth thinks about itself; Adult thinks about self and others.

 

Unfortunately, for our purposes here, self-less, in contrast with selfish, often receives a positive judgment in our society and its religions. Easily one learns that its bad to be selfish (to take the biggest piece of cake) and good to be self-less (to let everyone else go first). These social judgments, both negative and positive, must be laid aside for understanding this use of selfish and self-less. As here intended, neither is good nor bad; both are simply useful words for describing subjective and objective as related to human beings.

 

Attuned to self, Youth gets the small picture,--the data from inside, primarily information about wants, feelings, and sensations. Also attentive to the outside world, Adult gets the big picture,--facts related to the objective world beyond oneself.

 

In logic, subjective and objective are exclusive. One may be one or the other, but not both and. To be subjective, one must not be objective; and vice versa. This fact about logic is not intended in this distinction between the capacities of Youth and Adult. Only the differences in perspective and focus are implied. Youthfulness calls attention to subjective matters, inside concerns; Adulthood looks to objective issues, without ignoring personal facts.

 

Youth, in this sense, knows about the pleasures of dancing. Youth wants to dance. Adult, with objective data also, knows about how pipers work. It, consequently, pays the piper. A person, one with Youth and Adult capacities embraced, both dances and pays the piper. The two are not inherently exclusive, as are subjective and objective, logically speaking.

 

CLOAKED

 

Youth, focused on being itself only, goes, figuratively speaking, naked in the world. Without discernment about consequences, Youth reveals itself as it is. Adulthood, with objective knowledge also, cloaks itself while in the outside world. It appears as guarded or protected.


The natural Youth, seeing that the emperor is naked, says so without regard to consequences; the cloaked Adult also sees the nudity, but, with objective data (the boss may not always be right, but he is always the boss--likewise, with the emperor), may choose not to say what is seen. Carrying the cloaking metaphor further, Youth, knowing the good feelings of being naked, always goes, when the weather is warm, revealed. Adult, with objective knowledge also, wears a swim suit to the beach, an overcoat in winter, and a birthday suit in the shower--that is, dresses appropriately.


Moving from body to mind for metaphors, Youth exposes itself, mentally speaking, also. It says what it thinks. That baby is ugly. Adult, more informed, cloaks itself. What beautiful skin it has. The Adult capacity, being objective, takes into account the larger situation--in this case, parental blindness. It speaks, as well as dresses, appropriately. The mind, like the body, is revealed only with discretion; for example, if the baby is pretty, then one who has embraced the Adult capacity might speak his mind. Otherwise, such verbal honesty is reserved for the shower or closest friends.

 

The Adult capacity for cloakedness is to be distinguished from hiding, for instance, out of fear. With this part of our common selves we cloak out of wisdom, not fear or even habit. We dress, bodies or mind, not because we are afraid to be caught naked or to have others know what we think, but because we take into account objective as well as subjective data.


Adulthood is characterized by appropriate, rather than indiscriminate, revelation of oneself. It cloaks because it knows about the outside world also.

 

THERE AND LATER

 

Youth's focus on the here and now, the present, is complemented with Adult attention to the past and future. Adulthood knows about time. Just as parents can tell time, those who have embraced this element of human capacity for Adulthood have knowledge which time brings--specifically, about consequences.

 

The human brain allows us to know, not only the present (which is Youth's focus), but also to remember the past and project into the future. We have mental access, if we use it, to our prior experience as well as to what might happen if... This human possibility of grasping time opens the door to gathering data about cause and effect: dark clouds often precede rain; if I do thus and so, that is likely to happen. We are a tool-making species primarily because our brains are large enough to recall and predict, to connect cause and effect, and therefore to influence, to some degree, the future. We can, potentially, enhance our circumstances with the ability to predict consequences.

 

This element of Adulthood, attention to more than the here and now, opens the door to the capacity for waiting--patience, it is sometimes called. To be Adult is to have embraced one's potential for standing still in time, for biding time, for adding the possibility for an enhanced future to the pregnant present.

 

SATISFACTION LATER

 

With the capacity to wait embraced, the Adult world is expanded to include the potential human ability to plan ahead. Knowing time and its child, cause-and-effect, one embracing this element of Adulthood is able to delay a smaller immediate pleasure in favor of a possibly larger satisfaction later.

 

Immediate gratification, an element of Youth's capacity, is enhanced with the addition of time-knowledge to include long term satisfaction as well. To Youth's ability to have-it-now, Adult adds the possibility of having-more-later. Youth says, School's boring; let's play. Adult says, Education is difficult, but may open the door to even more playing later. Immediate pleasure, given the Adult ability to wait, may be amplified in time--through proper planning.


This possibility of planning ahead, to be contrasted with living for the moment only, is what this element of Adult capacity is all about. Adulthood is goal-oriented, not as an escape from now, as many fearful parents use planning ahead, but as one more way of enhancing life. To the fullness of the Youth's ability to spond in the present, Adult brings the capacity for re-sponding to the past and future. Because the sun is likely to rise again--a bit of knowledge derived from time, Adulthood makes plans for satisfactions tomorrow in addition to those of today.

 

REASONABLE

 

Youth only asks, Do I want to? Adulthood also adds, Is it the reasonable thing to do? This element of Adult capacity brings knowledge gained from previous spondings to present and future re-spondings. To primal discriminations based on biology, emotions, and personal desires, information about cause and effect is added. To like/dislike, Adults add reasonable/unreasonable. To want to/don't want to, they add practical/impractical. Feels good/feels bad, as the sole basis for choices, is expanded to include feasible/unfeasible.

 

Youth discriminates crudely, on the basis of limited information, primarily inherited. Using the word literally, without its usual social judgments, Youth is prejudiced, that is, pre-judged, genetically speaking. Adulthood expands the shared necessity for discriminating (as humans we have no choice but to decide) to a more refined level. Pre-judgment, the type Youth makes, is enlarged, given the Adult's knowledge of consequences, to include post-judgment also. Predictable cause-and-effect is considered along with pre-learned (inherited) like-or-don't-like.

 

This Adult capacity to be reasonable is different from the familiar parental stance, more prejudiced than the child's, of knowing what's best for you. Being reasonable or practical is not the same as an assumed knowledge of good and evil. This element of Adult capacity is about expanded discrimination, not assumed self-righteousness. No ultimate knowledge of what is inherently good or bad is implied. Adult reasonableness is simply a more educated guess, an approximation of what-to-do which considers more than because-I-want-to. It too may ultimately be the wrong thing to do; yet given the information available, both from desire and experience, it appears as the reasonable choice at the time.

 

COMMITMENT

 

Youth's attachment to freedom--no limits, is balanced with the Adult's concern for commitment--real limits. Wanting everything, and wanting it now, Youth can tolerate no boundaries or waiting. Recognizing consequences and the reality of time, Adults seek to establish realistic limits, to build fences close to cliffs and to get a proper amount of sleep.

 

Knowing that immediate freedom must be protected lest it be lost (Eternal vigilance is the price of freedom), Adulthood accepts the re-spond-ability of establishing appropriate structures to contain the fragile nature of freedom. This, of course, means fences and walls, rules and laws, discipline and commitment. In order to keep one's head in the clouds, for long, Adults know that their feet must be firmly planted. Dreams, to become more than mere fantasy, must be rooted. Dancers, who dance for long, must pay the piper. Open marriages, to last, may need the papers signed also.

 

In addition to the idealism of Youth, Adulthood brings the realism of experience. To the what-might-be, the what-is is added. The proverbial moonlight and roses of romance, recognized in all its wonder and fragility, is carefully hedged about with the daylight and dishes required to sustain it.

 

The creativity of Adulthood is revealed in the order which it brings to chaos, not to eliminate the raw power of the uncontained, but to shape it, fitting the limitations of human capacity. Adulthood knows that one can only see, hear, taste, feel, and do so much. Respecting these facts of life, rather than fighting them, Adults commit themselves to the building which continued freedom calls for. Their artistry lies in care-full construction, not free-form expression.

 



MALE

 

Overt power--aggressiveness, achieving through outward dominance, coming out on top; these are the primary elements of masculinity.


Calvin, in a CALVIN AND HOBBS cartoon, asks his friend Hobbs, What do you think is the secret to happiness? Is it money, power, or fame? Then he answers himself: I'd choose money. If you have enough money, you can buy power and fame. That way you'd have it all and be really happy! Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. Hobbs responds philosophically: I suppose that's one way to define it. Finally Calvin concludes with clenched fists and a look of delight: The part I think I'd like best is crushing people who get in the way.

 

Inherent in Maleness is the inclination to succeed through crushing, that is, overcoming, pushing down whatever gets in one's way. Even when the obstruction is people, Maleness is inclined to come out on top, to win--regardless.

 

Aimed at survival--of self and species--plus enhancement, that is, staying alive and enjoying it more, masculinity-at-work may be viewed on two levels: 1) primal or personal, and 2) civilized or social. Level one is like the jungle; level two, the city. Overt power is best symbolized on the primal level with phallus and club; on the civilized level, with sword and pen.


THE JUNGLE

 

At the most primal biological level, in the heart of the jungle, man is a sperm-spreader and female-keeper. For reproduction, species survival, he provides the sperm. Then, secondarily, he strives to keep and protect the females which this requires.

 

Tarzan's limited vocabulary expresses the primal drives of masculinity. After Me Tarzan; you Jane, comes, in effect, I want you, and then, You're mine. The three most basic male preoccupations (all this before any civilized occupation) are to: 1. Find female; 2. Get female; and 3. Keep females--more literally, to find, get, and keep recipients for his abundant supply of sperm. The phallus and the club, instruments for expressing overt power, for spreading sperm and protecting self and recipients, best symbolize these three activities.

 

Overt power in its purest form, symbolic of all other means of its expression, may best be understood at the level of the sperm. In each masculine ejaculation, up to 400,000,000 individual sperm are sent forth on the blind and challenging quest of contacting a single ovum out there, up there, somewhere. The formidable journey through an unexplored maze of canals must be made rapidly--sperm life is short--and competitively. Each sperm has perhaps 399,999,999 competitors; only one, if any, will win and survive. The rest die. No time to be cooperative, to stop and help a lagging buddy snagged on some unnamed follicle. Winning is the name of the game. The only name. This is no win-win situation. In this quest for survival, even a sperm's best friends are his enemies. It is, literally, me or you pal.

 

Calvin's inclination to crush those who get in his, the sperm-carrier's, way, is easily understandable when we catch the echo of his genes in the thoughts of his voice. Of course it sounds cruel, not to mention anti-social, and certainly anything but caring. But that's the way it is for good, healthy sperm who are simply being themselves. And, in large measure, as we will explore next, for us, their carriers.

 

Into the jungle and city the activities of this bearer of sperm can be viewed in three overlapping yet distinctive ways. On the most primal and least civilized level, Maleness can be broken down into these genetic inclinations: lusting, seducing, and possessing.


Males are instinctively guided in the course of their calling to spread an immense number of sperm, only a few of which stand any chance of survival--to want sex, to get girls, and to keep women. In practice, the three acts of the jungle drama include girl-watching (looking for Janes, that is, possible recipients for the multitudes of sperm available for continuing the species, plus having a bit of fun); courting (engaging in countless games of wooing, romancing--wining and dining, all designed, in the end, to get Jane into bed; and finally, marriage--preferably harems--or any available social structure for keeping one or more Janes available and in check. Males, genetically speaking, are lookers, touchers, and jealous keepers of those they want to see and hold.


All this, below the level of mind. Tarzan's driving power is in his loins, not his logic. His instinctive brain is below his belt, not in his head. His genetic mind is in his jeans--or for Tarzan, behind his loin cloth. Jungle Maleness is about the phallus and club. Phallus for fun; club for maintenance.

 

Survival and sex are perhaps the two best words for summarizing these three acts of the primal drama of Maleness. On the jungle level, the overt power of masculinity--Calvin's inclination to crush whatever gets in his way, involves survival, staying alive as an individual, and sex, staying alive as a species.

 

To put it bluntly (pun intended), jungle Maleness is, symbolically, an erection; in the vernacular of the day, a stiff prick, plus a hard club to protect and provide for its associated activities. The fuller flavor of these genetically inclined elements of Maleness is conveyed in another obscene expression: A stiff prick has no conscience. These biological directives of masculinity are below the level of conscience, and often, even consciousness. Males do these things, or are inclined to, without thinking.

 

Often when we think, and add conscience to logic, we don't. But even then, genes guide the jungle male toward lusting, seducing, and possessing females. We may not do it; but when we're normal, we want to. Neither age nor wisdom can do much more than diminish, deny, or direct these primary elements of masculinity.

 

THE CITY

 

The city is level two--civilization brought to the jungle. When Tarzan is socialized, his vocabulary is increased and improved. His primal activities are expanded to include pleasure, success, and wealth--summarized by Calvin as happiness. The primal urges--lust, seduction, and possession--are socialized into wanting, getting, and having.


WANTING

 

Lust-for-sex becomes desire-for-pleasure. City males, like their not-too-distant jungle cousins, are also driven to seek excitement. They too want to have fun. The sexual roots of lust may be lost to their civilized minds as brain moves from loin to head, but the drive toward excitement, stimulation, remains inherent. The objects of lust are also shifted in the city, sometimes, from girls to goals of less fleshly nature. Wanting is often displaced from woman to countless other substitutes for her primal form--for Calvin, money, power, or fame.

 

The limited Me Tarzan; you Jane, with its implied and I want you Jane (Let's get it on), is expanded to include an almost infinite variety of other Male pleasure sources, including both things and experiences. Lust for Jane the girl is easily (in time) displaced into desire for Jill the boat, Jaguar the car, Bambi the deer, etc., etc., or the countless experiences which may emerge in the process of acquiring any of these feminine symbols. The thrill of pursuit, first of the ovum, then Jane, then the various Jill-type substitutes, is enough to symbolize another major element of masculinity. Maleness loves to chase. Even capture, the second characteristic of masculinity on the primal level (getting the girl), may take back seat to the male inclination toward pursuit when it is brought into society.

 

COMPETITION

 

As Act One, primal lust, is phased into civilized desire, so Act Two, seducing (getting the girl) is shifted into civilized competition. Getting-the-female becomes winning-the-prize. The city goal may be a trophy for winning in the arena, or money for winning in the market place. Competing for success, whatever its name, is Act Two of the civilized Male's agenda. Men are geared to win, no matter what the goal may be. The genetic thrust of the one among four hundred million sperm to come out on top, getting the ovum, is easily visualized in the civilized version of sperm-carriers compulsively competing for prizes obviously not worth the effort.


News item; State Times:

 

Riviera Beach, Fla.--The friendly contest grew as the two men drove together, engaged in verbal oneupsmanship over whether the Army or the Marines had produced the tougher man. The Army veteran upped the challenge. He emptied all but one bullet in the .357 revolver he carried in the car and passed the gun to his friend. The former Marine refused it. "It's no big deal," said the driver, taking back his gun and placing it against his own right temple. He pulled the trigger that gave bragging rights to the Army.

John Bigelow, 24, didn't live long enough to gloat.

Authorities on Thursday ruled his death a suicide.

 

Even when we know it is dumb, counterproductive, a waste of time and energy, still we civilized Males insist on both competing and winning, whenever we can. Our oneupsmanship games permeate every aspect of our lives. Wherever we go, masculinity aims to win, to prove ourselves, as we say it. The competitiveness written into our genes and revealed in our games, is equally evident when we make love, conversation, money, or war.


In love we keep score; in talk we make points (have verbal fights); in business we beat out the competition; in war we must win at all costs. We have even improved and multiplied our weapons for winning to such outlandish proportions that now we are apt to lose, even if we win. Caught in masculinity, Males will sacrifice everything--health, relationships, even limb and life. Nothing is too valuable to go on the altar of being number one. The Army must win, even if John Bigelow loses.

 

Norman, in a CATHY cartoon, confesses this deep element of masculinity. While he and Cathy watch TV and eat popcorn he notes: When a man lets a woman watch sports with him on TV, he's letting her into a sacred part of his world. This is what we love...what we live for! The fearless drive...incredible strength...laser reactions...brilliant teamwork...finesse...Watch a man's heroes up close, Cathy, and you'll see everything the man is striving to be in his life!

 

To which Cathy naively but wisely replies: I want you to be more like Spuds McKenzie!, calling for Norman's predictable reaction: Go home.


Cathy knows better; but we Normans seldom do.

 

MULTIPLYING

 

Act Three in the jungle, the harem--possessing females (You're mine, Jane), becomes, in the city, the kingdom--possessing and multiplying territory and wealth (This is my property; and I want more). Whether the "kingdom" be geographical, political, spiritual, or economical, masculinity in society aims at getting as much as it can and keeping what it has once gotten. The symbolic she may be physical properties, political offices, religious adherents, or bank accounts. Maleness is never satisfied. It wants more of whatever it has--more land, more power, more converts, or more money.


Even when the possessions are actual women (symbolic of sex), Maleness keeps wanting more and more. Monogamy, though written in woman's genes, is certainly not spelled the same in man's. Maleness never gets enough, even when it obviously already has more than it can handle. Masculinity, unchecked, is not satisfied with being king of the mountain; it would win the world and jealously possess it forever. Immortality and godhood are Male quests, even when denied.

 

SYMBOLS

 

Two phallic symbols, sword and pen, are perhaps the clearest signs of this second level of masculine expression. Phallus and club, symbolic, on the primal level, of lusting, seducing, and keeping, are replaced with symbols of war and words on the social level--best seen in wanting, competing, and multiplying possessions and territory. The objects vary; the agenda remains the same.


All these activities, expressive of the overt power of masculinity, are summarized in this book with the single word: firm. Maleness is firmness. Masculinity, whether in a man or woman, is characterized by assertiveness, dominance, and toughness. Whether in the erection of phallus or club, sword or pen, maleness is about standing-out, being outstanding. Masculine or overt power is outwardly strong, out front and visible. It may also be symbolized by the sky or sun. Maleness is in the light, for all to see.

 

Physical strength, the power of the sword, becomes, when transferred to the pen, mental strength. Commonly, this is called thinking. Pen power, the strength of words, is wielded through logic and reason. Maleness, in the form of thoughts and ideas, is, like the sword, sharp and pointed. Masculine type thinking is used, as the sword, to achieve goals--to win wars and women. It becomes but one more weapon, in the latter cause, a line, carefully designed to accomplish a victory of flesh rather than territory. Whatever its aim may be, masculinity is about reaching some goal, getting something, hanging on, and keeping it. That which is at first directed toward a single ovum is at last aimed at all that is. Maleness wants it all.

 

FEMALE

 

Covert power--receptivity, achieving through yielding--these are the primary characteristics of femininity. Like Maleness, typified by overt power, Femaleness also aims at achievement, yet of a different nature and by another means. Because outward power is most easily recognized, Female power, less visible, is often erroneously identified as weakness--at least by Males.


Since covert power is, by definition, secret, even its recognition as a means of achieving goals may be difficult. Yet, like Male power, Female power also aims as survival of self and species, plus satisfaction in the process. For understanding, it too may be viewed on two levels: personal and social, or primal and civilized. The jungle and city provide a context for describing the primary capacities of femininity also.

 

The biological and social events used in the following characterizations are of course to be understood metaphorically. Literal facts are used to represent feminine capacities potentially present in gendered males also.

 

THE JUNGLE

 

Jane, Tarzan's jungle mate, is, at the most primal biological level, a baby-maker and child-rearer. For reproduction--species survival, she provides the ovum. Then she produces the baby and shapes the family as a context for rearing the child which resulted from the union of sperm and ovum. These physical facts, viewed symbolically, may be used to clarify three of the most descriptive characteristics of femininity: attracting, receiving, and attaching.

 

Covert power in its purest form may be glimpsed through a metaphorical view of the drama of conception. The Male role in the play, symbolizing overt power, is balanced by a completely different part for the Female. While Tarzan is producing a possible ten billion sperm per month (up to four hundred million for each ejaculation), Jane is making only one ovum. Whereas his vast hoard of potential players is sent forth on the incredibly challenging quest of finding this single partner and winning over all of his millions of competitors, her challenges are vastly different. Since this single ovum, which we will personify as she, is going to be hidden deeply within Jane's body and is going nowhere, the first major challenge is attracting Tarzan, the producer of the necessary sperm.

 

Since ova, like sperm, are relatively short-lived, she too must work fast. Or she dies. Unlike the sperm, which goes out seeking, she must remain in place, hoping to be found. Once she has attracted Tarzan the sperm-spreader, she faces what we can easily imagine to be an equally challenging task: selection. Which of the possibly 400,000,000 try-outs for the one winning role of co-star will she choose? Waiting and watching such an incredible number of aspiring actors must require an immense amount of patience as well as discernment! Certainly, with so much at stake, she wants the best. After all, she is looking at a minimum of nine months and perhaps up to eighteen or more years of massive responsibility.

 

Once a sperm is selected, however it is done, our heroine ovum must then connect and receive him into herself, just as Jane did previously. This process, which takes up to thirty-six hours, is followed by a leisurely journey of three or four days while the now fertilized egg drifts down the Fallopian tube on the way to its future home in Jane's womb. Then the real work begins.

 

This fantasied drama, rooted in the facts of life, may, when viewed symbolically, allow us to understand the primary characteristics of covert power inherent in femininity.

 

On the first level, the jungle, where Jane meets Tarzan, Femaleness can be broken down into three genetic inclinations. His urges toward lusting, seducing, and possessing, are paralleled by her inclinations for attracting, receiving, and attaching. We examine each separately. First: attraction.

 

ATTRACTING

 

The single factor that is most responsible for sexual inhibitions in today's women--according to the results of an intensive survey of 26,000 women by Redbook Magazine--is not fear of AIDS, or religious guilt or fear of pregnancy, but insecurity about physical appearance. Fully 41 percent of the women surveyed said that their feelings of insecurity about their looks prevent them from freely expressing their sexuality.

 PARADE MAGAZINE

 

Such insecurity about their looks, incomprehensible to Male reasoning, may reflect the deep inclination of femininity to look good, that is, for Jane to present herself in such a way as to get Tarzan's attention. Unless she can somehow attract him, setting in motion the extended process of biological events, species survival cannot go on. Perhaps looks represent the most primal element in the Female role for the all-important drama called Survival Of The Species.

 

In any case, attracting--charming, alluring, appealing to Male attention, is a prime characteristic of femininity. Tarzan's lust, his powerful, active, attraction to Jane, is balanced by Jane's looks, her equally powerful, though passive, appeal to his biological desires. Feminine attention given to making oneself pretty--face, body, and clothing, is a phenomenon beyond Male understanding. Time given to making up face, selecting dress, and attempting to present an attractive appearance is monumental from a masculine perspective.

 

Actions which attract are added to appearances for the same purpose. Flirting, teasing, coquettish movements, complete the agenda in this first characteristic of primal Femaleness. Even small girls, below the age of social education, are active in attention to their appearance. They too flirt, without training. As Males are genetically drawn to lust, Females, with similar biological imperative, present themselves, even unconsciously, to attract Males. And then to deny it, wielding covert power most effectively.

 

RECEIVING

 

Once Jane gets Tarzan's attention, the next step is reception. Somehow she must passively demure in such a way as to receive him unto herself. Won't you come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly. And so does femininity, in countless alluring ways. The Male inclination to seduce--to make passes ultimately pointed toward the bedroom, is equally balanced with the Female drive to gracefully but surely receive the seducer. As he aims to get her, she aims to be gotten.

 

Because her biological need for his sperm is minute in comparison to the quantity he has available, her inclination to culminate his seductions is far less than his. Still, she too, without conscious thought, is drawn to be a receiver of masculine offerings, beginning at the primal level of sperm, but reaching from other gifts of his attention even to the reception of himself.

 

ATTACHING

 

Compared to a sperm, the size of an ovum is enormous. She is one of the largest cells in the body, big enough to be visible to the naked eye. He, on the other hand, is microscopic in size. One hundred thousand sperm tightly packed together would still be barely visible. Once one of these tiny, but lucky, sperm has navigated the dark corridors of the female body, beating out his fierce competition in winning the enormous prize ovum--that is, after he finally gets to her and is selected, she must then receive him into herself. The huge ovum engulfs the single sperm even as Jane has taken in Tarzan's phallus in order to receive the vast quantity of aspiring competitors. The sperm's challenge is getting to her--the ovum, first; her's, after selection, is, in effect, consuming him--the sperm. Only after she has engulfed and attached herself to her tiny suitor does conception truly begin.

 

This biological event symbolizes the third major characteristic of Femaleness--getting close, cuddling, clinging, hanging on. Engulfing the victorious sperm--and his bearer, takes time. After the Male is through with his one grand appearance on the stage of Act One in the Drama of Reproduction, her part is just beginning. Fertilization is necessary, but gestation is her major role in the biological process.


For this second challenging phase of Species Survival, she, the bearer of the ovum and now the child, needs to keep the male close at hand also. On all levels, from ovum to Jane, femininity is inclined not only to attract and receive, but also to attach and keep her man. Maleness aims at possession only, owning Females bodily (and the more the merrier). Polygamy is in his genes. But Femaleness strives for the security of an attached intimacy. Jane also wants to be close, protected, and faithfully so at that. Monogamy is her forte. Family, today, thrives on it.

 

THE CITY

 

When Jane moves to the city, that is, when civilization is added to the jungle, three other related Female characteristics become evident in her socialization. The primal activities of attracting, receiving, and attaching are socialized into arranging, tending, and stabilizing, both things and people.

 

ARRANGING

 

Attention given to personal beauty--attract-ability, on the primal level of sperm attraction, is shifted to the beautifying of space on the social level. At first the Female enhances herself; then she busies herself with enhancing the space surrounding her. After putting on her carefully arranged clothes and makeup, she turns her attention to the room and house.

 

Male attention on this level, shifted from lusting after women to craving things and experiences, is paralleled by the Female shift from arranging herself to arranging her place. And rearranging and rearranging. For the Male, focused on things-out-there, living space is secondary. Once a room is fixed functionally, it is fixed. But for his Female counterpart, a room is never fixed, permanently. Continuously the Female is drawn to ever increasing degrees of harmony and beauty among all the things which comprise her space--the bed, the furniture, the floor, the walls, the fixtures, the decorations, everything, literally, every-thing, which meets her eye and touch. No unmatched colors, tilted pictures, or ill-fitting furniture, not to mention dust or dirt, are beyond the scope of her drive to harmonize and perfect the space around her.

 

Fixing up the house is a descriptive metaphor for this characteristic of femininity. Things-out-of-place, that is, not placed harmoniously, are an inherent offense. HOUSE BEAUTIFUL is the all-too-seldom achieved, and never for long, goal of this feminine inclination. A beautiful table, for example, with the best of silver and china, arranged in perfect harmony, is one apex of this trait. Maleness can no more understand this drive toward arranging spaces than can Femaleness comprehend what drives men to want things like deer heads adorning the walls or trophies collecting dust on the shelves of their space.

 

Refinement is another descriptive word for this Female characteristic. Femininity is inherently geared to seek refinement in all things--personal relationships as well as physical space. Manners are feminine. Maleness, in contrast, is crude. Masculinity is more like the proverbial bull in a china shop. Femininity is couth; maleness is uncouth. Maleness not only has no manners; it doesn't particularly want any. Femaleness finds this situation abhorrent.

 

TENDING

 

The second major female characteristic, after Jane gets her house and makes it beautiful, is tending to the things and people which fall within her domain. Civilized Jane is a taker-carer-of her spaces and relationships. She is a tend-to-er. She attends to rooms and those who are within. She is both housekeeper and homemaker. She arranges, cleans, and cares for it; and helps, serves, and takes care of them.

 

Her liberated lyrics have helped to define modern womanhood, but Carly Simon can strike some decidedly old-fashioned chords. "I think I like being married almost more than any other state," Simon told the Chicago Tribune. Carly, who has not altered her state since her 1983 divorce from singer James Taylor, added, "I like having someone I can serve, in a way. I guess you could say that means that I don't have enough self-love or something, but I think it comes with the territory of being a woman."

PEOPLE MAGAZINE

 

And so do I. This inclination to serve reflects more, I think, than lack of enough self-love. It is, I think, an inherent inclination of femininity, no matter how liberated its bearer may become. It does go with the territory of being a woman.

 

Maleness in society, at this point aimed at competition and winning, is paralleled by the feminine drive for cooperation and harmony. While he is striving to come-out-on-top, she is equally diligent in trying to come-out-together. While he is focused on win-or-lose, she is striving for win-win. While he wants to win at all costs, she is driven to tend at all costs.

 

STABILIZING

 

Whereas Maleness in society aims at multiplying the results of effective competition--getting ever and ever more territory and wealth, Femaleness focuses on stabilizing the results of effective cooperation. What she has made and made beautiful, tending with loving care, she also wants to keep that way. She strives to keep both house and family intact and in harmony.

 

Maleness, easily willing to make war in multiplying its possessions, is balanced by Femaleness equally diligent in making peace for stabilizing its achievements. Reflective of its natural inclinations, Maleness can have a good fight--verbal or physical. For femininity, there is no such thing as a good fight. Males often view this Female trait derogatorily, labeling it as a compulsion for peace at any price. Just when things start to get going good, one male client told me in referring to a recent argument with his wife, she starts to smooth things over.

 

Well, of course. Femaleness is inherently concerned with stabilizing--smoothing things out, keeping things together, making peace rather than war. Once the family is made, femininity aims to keep it that way. Maleness may fight to break up the family--to get the children out of the house, and even to fight with the mate; but not femininity. Family is forever, according to Female genes. Just as ovum, on the primal level, aims at keeping the sperm she has once gotten, so woman, on the social level, aims at keeping intact the family which grew from her first success. She is faithful to her children and husband--arranging, tending, and stabilizing them--expecting, of course, the same from them. Unfortunately, often, for her.

 

SYMBOLS

 

Femininity can be symbolized with anvil, earth, and darkness. Covert power, the anvil, is the immovable object which is met by the irresistible force of the sword, symbol of overt power. Anvil power has no place to go; it does not appear to be doing anything; it only sits there. But in reality the less obvious power of the anvil often does overcome the more visible power of the sword. Femininity, for all its apparent passivity and weakness, may, in the long run consume the flashing sword and pen of masculinity, just as the ovum engulfs the sperm, and Jane, sometimes, does Tarzan.

 

Earth (Mother Earth)--soft, fertile, and dark, is another clarifying symbol for Femaleness. Femininity is like the earth which receives the seed, even as does the ovum the sperm, there to hold and nurture it in the long period of darkness preceding sprouting or birth. She is invisible, like the womb, yet soft, fertile, and productive. Darkly, like the moon, she is the counterpart of the lighted sun, which symbolizes masculinity. Femininity keeps things in the dark, where they can be nurtured and grow, rather than in the light, where they are subject to scrutiny, and, then to death.

 

All these characteristics of Femaleness, metaphored in the jungle as attracting, receiving, attaching, and in the city as arranging, tending, and stabilizing--symbolized with the anvil, earth, and darkness, are summarized in this book with the single word: yielding. Femininity is yielding. In contrast with the firmness of masculinity, symbolized with phallus and club, sword and pen, femaleness is about softness, tenderness--yielding.

 

This form of power, covert rather than overt, is not, however, to be understood in the more common sense of giving in, which, at least in masculine understanding, is tantamount to giving up or losing. Only in form does covert power or femininity appear as losing. Even though both winning and losing are essentially masculine concepts, irrelevant to femininity, if we use these words, Femaleness wins by losing. This, however, is just man talk; Femaleness, covert power, neither wins nor loses. It simply and profoundly achieves its complementary goals through the mode of yielding.

 

The covert power of femininity is rooted in feeling, in contrast with masculine power based in thinking. Both words are placed in italics to imply their colloquial rather than technical meanings. Understood colloquially, we may say that femininity feels, or draws its covert power from feeling or the heart. Maleness, conversely, draws its power from thinking, understood as conscious, logical thought. Sense-making is the forte of Maleness; feels right is the stability of Femaleness. Maleness says, If it makes sense, do it. Femaleness says, If it feels right, do it. Each reflects its power base. Masculinity comes from the head, femininity from the heart.

 

Literally, of course, these words are inaccurate. Feeling, in this sense of the word, means more than emotions; thinking refers to a mode of thought, best called logic or reasonableness, rather than mental activity only. Femininity, literally speaking, thinks also, just as masculinity includes emotions too. Women also think; men also feel. And yet these words, feeling vs. thinking may be useful in distinguishing Femaleness from Maleness, if we get past literal understanding only.

 

Another set of opposites may be useful in grasping this difference: conscious vs. unconscious. Thinking, as used in describing Maleness is primarily conscious, while the feeling base of Femininity is generally unconscious. Because his thinking is conscious, a man can often explain (logically), what he means. Because her feeling source is less in awareness, a woman may find it difficult to make sense of what she knows. Her intuitive type of knowledge springs more from bones (body) than head, as does man's.

 

To summarize: the second major elements of human capacity, personified in gender roles of Male and Female, may be viewed from a distance as firm and yielding. Masculinity, representing the form of overt power in responding to reality, is easily seen in its elements of wanting, getting, and having. Femininity, the covert form of power for responding to the world, is recognized in Female inclinations toward arranging, tending, and stabilizing. Masculinity is hard; femininity is soft.

 

**********

 




CHAPTER 4

 

ROLES

 

***********

 

INTRODUCTION TO ROLES

 

If we lived alone we could simply be ourselves, that is, embrace and activate human capacities without regard to effect on others. On a deserted island only the constraints of nature or tangible world would limit what we could do. If we wanted, for example, to go naked, we could do so without second thought. Only cold weather or thorns would limit our freedom to go without cover. If we wanted to take something for ourselves, like a banana, we could, limited only by our ability to reach and grab it, do so. We could do whatever we wanted and were able to.

 

But in a society, any group of people--where we all live, the situation becomes radically different. As soon as we exit from our imaginary deserted island, everything changes. Since much of my being myself also has an effect on other persons--as does theirs on me--I must immediately monitor my behavior when someone else is around. As long as I am alone I can wear--or not wear--whatever I please. But as soon as you can see me, I must consider the effects of my clothing--or lack of it.


Plucking the banana also changes when people are introduced to my world. My freedom to pick one whenever I want it is seriously curtailed. What if it belongs to someone else? What if I want it, but they don't want me to have it?

 

Alone, we can be ourselves, just be natural, do as we please; but with others, we must learn to act. Just as we must, at times, cover our bodies, so we must often cover ourselves--who-we-are. We must pretend, for practical reasons, to appear to be other than who we are. Like actors and actresses on a stage, we must learn to play roles for effect. We must shape our being in specific ways for pragmatic reasons.

 

Two issues then confront us: being and acting. We are to be ourselves; and we must act around others.

 

In the previous chapter we were only concerned with being, that is, with embracing capacities as though we live alone on a deserted island. Now we turn to consider the second issue: acting. If we embrace capacities for being ourselves, how shall we act around other people? What form will our being take? What roles will we act-out on the stage of our lives?

 

A role is a shape or form for acting-out who-we-are in the world. The four basic capacities (previous chapter) are commonly revealed in ordinary life in four main roles. We can be ourselves--that is, playful and responsible, firm and yielding (Youth and Adult, Male and Female), but when we begin to express or act-out who-we-are (these elements of being), we must do so in some shape or form.

 

Although the diversity of these possible shapes-for-acting is immense, they may all be summarized in four primary roles. All our other possible roles are variations on these four basics which may be seen in the familiar family positions of son and daughter, father and mother, or, as named in this book, Prince and Princess, King and Queen.

When we begin to live or act-out our four primary human capacities in society we have these four basic roles for shaping who-we-are. We may act like a Prince or Princess, King or Queen.

 

When the capacities of Youth and Male are combined, the role of Prince emerges. Combining Youth with Female, the role of Princess is shaped. Maleness merged with Adult capacities typically results in acting like a King; Female and Adult capacities commonly appear in the form of Queen. For distinguishing capacities from roles, who-we-are is shown in hearts; the roles, how-we-act, are shown in boxes.

 

Functionally, the specific activities of each role (to be described in detail later) can be summarized as follows. The role of Prince, combining the spontaneity of Youth with the firmness of Male, is seen in the acts of playful exploration of the typical boy. The Princess unites the softness of Female with the sponding of Youth in acts which attract the attention of others. The directing King combines the human capacities for being both firm and responsible, while the nurturing Queen adds softness and receptivity to the Adult capacity for re-sponding or working.

 

 

ROLES SUMMARY

 

Although variations on possible roles we can play seem to be infinite, they may all be summarized or broken down into these four basics. The multitudes of more complex roles can be seen formed from these four primary stances: Prince, Princess, King, Queen.



PRINCE


Prince is the explorer. Combining the assertiveness of Male with the playfulness of Youth, a person in this role reaches out to explore the unknown. He or she is on a spontaneous venture into the uncharted universes of the outward and inward worlds. Freedom is the Prince's quest. What can I do? How far can I go? What can I become? The grandest of all existential questions, Who am I?, belongs to the Prince. Projected outward, the Prince's personal questions become, What is reality? How does the world work?


Of the mental capacities to remember, reason, and imagine, the latter is the Prince's primary mode of thought. He fantasizes the world as it might be. He dreams of things as he wishes they were. He is an idealist. Camelots, heavens, and brave new worlds emerge in his imagination, calling for exploration in the present world. His head is in the clouds.

 

Curious about how things work, he takes them apart to see for himself. His exploration into things is often extended into the realm of ideas. He asks questions. Why are things the way they are? He wants to understand. He challenges the systems. He looks at what-is and wonders about what-might-be.

 

His areas of exploration may be outward into the physical world--How high can I fly?, inward into the mental world--What new ideas can I think?, or into the spiritual world--Who is God? or Who am I?. Whatever the area of focus, the Prince role is about exploring the unknown, reaching out into that which is beyond one's immediate possession.

 

Jesus is the classic example of the Prince role focused in the spiritual dimension. He is sometimes called the Prince of Peace. He looked at what-is--the current state of spirituality in the world of his day, and immediately threw himself into the pursuit of what-might-be, that is, the ideal spiritual state. Although in this world, he was not of this world. His attention went to the kingdom which is not yet visible, the Kingdom of God.

 

Ollie North is a more recent example of many of the elements of the Prince role personified. Ignoring the systems in which he found himself--the laws, accepted ways of doing things--he, like Jesus, pursued his ideal world with abandon. The Kennedy brothers are other recent examples of Princeliness in action. They have been, at times, idealists, re-formers, that is, ones who devoted themselves to forming the systems in new and supposedly better ways.


The boxer, Mohammed Ali, acted out the role in many ways. I am not bound by ordinary limits, he said in effect. I can do as I please. I can whip anybody. Daredevil, Evel Knievel, was a Prince of the physical world. He looked at the possibility of jumping over cars on his motorcycle; then kept trying to jump over more and more. Finally he attempted to jump the Grand Canyon. Ordinary perception of limits did not get in the way of his continual attempts to stretch the borders of what he could do.

 

In literature, Lancelot was a classic portrayal of the Prince role. He was the Knight, par excellence. In Lerner and Lowe's version of Camelot, Lancelot sings the challenge of the Prince role:

 

A knight...should be invincible;

 Succeed where a less fantastic man would fail;

 Climb a wall no one else can climb;

 Cleave a dragon in record time:

 Swim a moat in a coat of heavy iron mail.

 No matter the pain he ought to be unwinceable,

 Impossible deeds should be his daily fare.


Exploring and extending boundaries and limits of the physical, mental, or spiritual worlds--these are the stances of the Prince role.

 

Other examples from literature include Joseph in the Bible, Don Quixote, and the modern story of THE LITTLE PRINCE, by Antoine De Saint-Exupery. Each of these characters personify the role of one who explores the wider expanses of the particular world in which he finds himself.

 

Back to the more ordinary world, the Prince role is perhaps most clearly seen in the average little boy who is reaching out to see just how far he can go toward grasping whatever he wants. How high can he climb? How fast can he run? How hard can he hit? How far can he go? When the Prince is gendered female, she is called a Tom-boy. What are little boys made of? Snakes and snails and puppy dog tails. They play with things beyond the accepted limits. Bring girls into the picture and the same sense of exploration continues. Little boys, acting out the Prince's role, reach out toward girls. They try to touch them, pull their hair, tease, tickle--in general, see what they can get away with.

 

As they look into the world in general, they look into things in particular. They take things apart to see how they work. Toys are soon dismantled to see what makes them tick: What makes it work? Why does it do that? And so with ideas. The same sense of exploration is carried to the mental world: Why is that true?, asks the Prince of the accepted answers. Why should I believe that? Why do I have to go to school? Why do I have to go to church? Why must I behave as you say?

 

Often this same sense of curiosity and exploration into the outside world of things and ideas is turned toward the inward world of passions, feelings, and states of being. As the little boy acting out the Prince's role asks, What makes the clock or world tick?, so he may also ask, What makes me tick? Why am I the way I am? Who am I?

 

Freedom is a central theme in the functioning of the Prince's role. He looks at the fences of the body, mind, and spirit and seeks to go beyond them. He tries to make his world larger than it immediately appears. If mother tells the little boy Prince to come home (from his exploring) by 6:00 o'clock, he asks, Why?, then tries to stay out later. If society tells the grown up Prince to drive 55 miles per hour, he asks Why?, then tries to go faster. If established thinking tells the Prince the world is flat (or any other way), he asks, Are you sure?, then busily sets about proving otherwise. If religion tells him that the Pope is infallible, that God answers prayer, or anything else, he asks, How do you know?

 

Whatever the established limits of behavior, thinking, or believing may be, the Prince role is about extending them, exploring further into the unknown--being free. Certain social roles and professions are more suited to the Prince's stance than are others. In early America, the Prince was the pioneer or scout. In politics he is the liberal reformer. In religion he is the one who never quite fits into any established belief system. Always he pushes for expansion. In science he is the creative explorer, looking for new and better explanations.

 

He may be a pilot, or one who loves to fly--that is, one who finds himself in the clouds rather than on the ground. Taking flier as a symbol, the Prince role is about soaring up into the wild blue yonder. He may be a gambler, playing the long shot, taking the greater risks. Certainly he is a dreamer, whatever the field of his profession.

 

Often the Prince is seen as a romantic. As an idealist, he may be viewed as ahead of his time--that is, as one who does not quite fit in with this present world as it is.

 

To summarize: the Prince role, this way of acting in the world, is best characterized with the word, explorer. The Prince is focused on the new world, the new frontier, the might-be, rather than the what-is. This role is about creating, reaching out, expanding, stretching limits, seeing how far one can go in whatever dimension one chooses to function. Whether it is found in a little boy climbing a tree, a grown man flying a plane, a scientist looking for a new answer, a Jesus looking for a better world, a feminist striving for woman's liberation, a revolutionary trying to form a new government, or a prisoner trying to escape--always the role is about some form of greater freedom. Doing, going, thinking, being more.

 

In the larger economy of wholeness, the Prince role is one of the four major stances in the social world. It is an essential stance in many phases of good living.

 


PRINCESS

 

Princess is the charmer. Combining the tenderness of Femininity with the playfulness of Youth, one in this role appears in the most pleasing and appealing of all the stances. What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice and all things nice. As such, a little girl--or any person, presents her or himself in a manner which calls for attention. While the Prince is exploring the unknown, the Princess is enhancing the known. While he reaches out to the not-here, she delightfully amplifies the is-here. She exhibits the present in all its inherent glory. Like a flower, she blossoms in the immediate sun, presenting herself, beautifully.

 

Looking good, being beautiful, is at the heart of the Princess's function. Appearance is paramount. She strives to make all things beautiful, herself and her circumstances. While the Prince is concerned with taking a good look, the Princess is equally attentive to inviting a good look. His interest, e.g., in photography, taking a worthy picture, is balanced by her interest in decoration, being picture worthy.

 

His role of exploring the world, stretching to find limits, is paralleled by her role of arranging the world, shaping it into its most attractive forms. Again, using little girl (made of sugar and spice and all things nice) metaphorically, she is sweet like sugar--inviting taste, like spice--adding smell, and cute--inviting visual pleasure or touch. In general, she calls, silently and passively, for favorable response.

 

In time, she adds make-up and perfume to her attractive clothing and carefully arranged looks. Her stance and movements enhance the picture she presents for taking. In the tale, THE LITTLE PRINCE, the Princess role is portrayed in a personified flower.


The flower was not satisfied to complete the preparations for her beauty in the shelter of her green chamber. She chose her colors with the greatest care. She dressed herself slowly. She adjusted her petals one by one. She did not wish to go into the world all rumpled, like the field poppies. It was only in the full radiance of her beauty that she wished to appear. Oh, yes! She was a coquettish creature!


If the Prince is like a brave knight-in-shining-armor, the Princess is like a demure maiden-in-waiting. If she drops her eye-lids, he looks longingly. If she drops her handkerchief, he dashes to pick it up. If she appears to be in distress, he rushes to rescue. If she dances a dance of seven veils--or one or none, he cannot wait to claim her.

 

In merchandising, the Princess role is about packaging--arranging and presenting the product in the most attractive and pleasing manner. Before a customer will buy, the seller must first get his attention. A Princess, whatever the arena, gets your attention.

 

The role, in exaggerated form, is portrayed by Guenevere in CAMELOT, in her song, The Simple Joys of Maidenhood:


Where are all those adoring, daring boys...Oh, where are a maiden's simple joys? Shall I not be on a pedestal, worshipped and competed for? Not be carried off, or better still, cause a little war?


The joys of Princesshood lie in effectively wielding the covert powers of femininity. Though appearing passive outwardly, the Princess mode is a powerful form of human behavior.

 

After the previously quoted description of the flower in THE LITTLE PRINCE, this event occurs:

 

Then one morning, exactly at sunrise, she suddenly showed herself. And, after working with all this painstaking precision, she yawned and said: "Ah! I am scarcely awake. I beg that you will excuse me. My petals are still all disarranged..."

 

But the little prince could not restrain his admiration: "Oh! How beautiful you are!" "Am I not?" the flower responded, sweetly, "And I was born at the same moment as the sun..."

 

The little prince could guess easily enough that she was not any too modest--but how moving--and exciting--she was!

 

"I think it is time for breakfast," she added an instant later. "If you would have the kindness to think of my needs..."

 

And the little prince, completely abashed, went to look for a sprinkling-can of fresh water. So, he tended the flower." (Italics mine)

 

For all the apparent modesty and passivity of Princesshood, it invites both attention and tending. If the word teasing could be stripped of its judgmental connotations, it might be used to describe the functioning of a Princess. She teases or tempts one to respond. Not overtly, like a Prince who may reach out and tickle, but covertly, like the demure flower who says, silently, with her beauty, Come and see me. The Princess flirts.

 

Youth's capacity for playfulness, along with the covert power of femininity, is the other element in the Princess role. In this mode, one has fun. The Princess is Shirley Temple on the Good Ship Lollypop. It's a nice trip to the candy shop. She is Guenevere wanting to play: ...tra la; it's May...that gorgeous holiday, when all the world is brimming with fun. She is delightfully frivolous. It's May! It's May! The month of 'yes, you may,' the time for ev'ry frivolous whim, proper of 'im'. For the Princess, it's always May. Girls just wanta have fun, as a currently popular song words this description of Princesshood.


Shirley Temple, May West, and Marilyn Monroe are among the public figures who have portrayed the major elements of Princesshood. The proverbial Daddy's little girl or sweet young thing is an everyday example.


To summarize, the Princess role, though passive--as is covert power, is one of the four major human stances or ways-of-acting in the world. It is best characterized with the adjective, charming. To play Princess is to present oneself in a charming or pleasing manner. Beautification and adornment are the primary activities of the Princess. Dressing, primping, preening--presenting one's body, plus one's feelings, movements, possessions, and activities in a pleasing manner--these are the functions of Princess.



KING


In each of us there is a king; speak to him and he will come forth.

 A Norse Saying

 

The Kingly role, combining Adult capacity for response-ability with Male capacity for firmness, is primarily characterized by the function of directing. The King's role is to take charge, to tend to business, to manage things. He acts as director. The social roles of husband, father, leader, chairman, president, are all examples of Kingliness in action. Responsibly and firmly the King directs.

 

The role of directing may be broken down into three elements: thinking, deciding, and acting. In this stance, one first thinks reasonably, weighing the data at hand, logically responding to available facts. He objectively computes the information which he has.


In Lerner and Lowe's version of CAMELOT, when the boy Arthur, nicknamed Wart, is faced with becoming king, Merlyn the Magician tells him: "Goodbye, Arthur; my memory of the future is gone. I know no more the sorrows and joys before you. I can only wish for you in ignorance, like everyone else. Reign long and reign happily. Oh, and Wart! Remember to think!" (Italics mine).

 

Arthur as Prince was free to engage in exploring for magic, symbolized in the tale by his encounters with Merlyn the Magician. But if he is to become King--in our language, to act in the Kingly role, then he must move beyond magic. Instead of looking for his answers from an outside source, he must remember to think.


Logical rather than magical thinking leads to the second element of Kingly functioning. After weighing data reasonably, in the light of logic rather than feeling or wishful thinking, one in this role moves on to decision. After the information at hand is considered as objectively as possibly in the time available, the King delineates. He discriminates among the data; he draws-a-line-between. He makes up his mind. Decision is either/or, this or that; not both/and, but one or the other. After thinking, one who acts Kingly comes to a reasonable conclusion.

 

Concluding leads, in this role, to taking a stand. The third element in Kingly direction is acting on the basis of the decision made. After weighing the available information and reaching a reasonable conclusion, the King culminates mental activity with physical action. First he thinks about it; then, makes up his mind. Finally he does something; he translates decision into action. He does what he has decided to do.

 

Adult responsibility combined with Male assertiveness reflects in the stance of taking charge in a sensible manner. Sometimes this means to quietly stand one's ground; at other times to speak up; more often it means to do something, to give overt direction to the situation at hand.

 

The king stands alone, was a line in one of the nursery rhymes I learned in childhood. So it often is with this role. This stance, more than any other, calls for individuality, for being able to take a stand, often without the support of approval of others. Male firmness is needed, as is Adult responsibility. Giving direction, taking charge of human situations, often requires looking beyond immediate feelings and desires. Discipline is required. To others the King may appear to be cold and uncaring. He may also have to fight, even to kill, in standing with a decision he has reached.

 

Kingliness may be symbolized with sun, sky, or light. Like the sun, the King objectively looks down on things, as though from the sky. He brings light to a situation. The light of reason is added to the dark world of feeling. The clarity of understanding--reasonable thought--is brought to the darker worlds of magical desires. Logos, the word, is another apt symbol for this role.

 

Kingly objectivity is reflected in such human endeavors as ordering things (getting things in order), organizing people, and directing social structures. The King attempts to establish justice--law and order. He tries to bring fairness to the jungles of reality. He is concerned with principles, rules, and laws.

 

An excellent example of Kingliness in action is shown in Lerner and Lowe's CAMELOT. After Arthur has become king, he begins, as Merlyn the Magician had instructed him, to think. He starts looking for a reasonable principle for ordering his kingdom. Previously the rule had been "might is right," that is, the greatest power was assumed to also be right. But Arthur struggled with this notion, weighed his data for and against it. "I'm still not a king," he tells Jenny, the Queen. "I win every battle and accomplish nothing. When the Greeks won, they made a civilization. I'm not creating any civilization. I'm not even sure I'm civilized..."

 

Finally, after struggling to think his way through the conflicting data, he gets an idea: "A new order, a new order, where might is only used for right, to improve instead of destroy." Finally, he concludes, "That's it Jenny! Not might is right. Might for right!"


In our analysis of the elements of Kingliness, this is number two, decision. First Arthur weighed his data logically. Things did not add up. Then he deducted a new principle; he reached a conclusion about what he had considered. The final step is action, translating decision into a stand. Arthur did this by creating the round table and setting out to use his might for building a better society.

 

To summarize: Kingliness, as one of the four major roles in life, is about direction, taking charge of things. Its three elements are thinking, deciding, and acting. Good living often requires functioning as a King.

 


QUEEN

 

If the King role represents the power on the throne, the Queen is the power behind the throne. Combining the tenderness of Female capacity with the responsibility of Adulthood, the Queenly stance is best characterized by the function of nurturing. The Queen's role, with the covert power of femininity, is to take care of people. The King takes charge of things; the Queen takes care of people. He tends to business; she tends to relationships.

 

Nurture--from Latin nutrire and the Indo-European root, sneu, means to suckle, flow, feed. Other derivatives include, nurse, nourish, and nutrient. In the role of Queen one nurses and nourishes. The social roles of wife, mother, and follower, are examples of Queenliness in action.


Nurturing can be broken down into three elements: feeling, accepting, and supporting. While Kingliness begins with thinking, Queenliness starts with feeling. Feeling, in this sense, means responding intuitively rather than logically, as does the King. It includes emotion, but is more than just a feeling. The common metaphor of heart comes closer to representing this function. If the King uses his head, the Queen uses her heart. A more literal understanding lies in a contrast in the use of brain hemispheres. Logical thinking, a left hemisphere function, is the King's forte. Intuitive feeling, a right hemisphere activity, is the Queen's domain. At first, the King thinks about the situation; the Queen feels for the persons involved.

 

The second element in Queenly functioning is acceptance. While the King is busy analyzing his data--deciding what to do about what he has thought, the Queen is engaged in accepting what she has felt in her heart. His discriminating, either/or, thought activity--aimed toward decision, is paralleled by her indiscriminate, both/and, feeling activity--aimed at acceptance. While he goes for conclusion, she embraces the alternatives. He aims at truth; she at honesty. He asks, pursuing justice, Did you do it or not?; she says, activating mercy, That's my boy and he's okay. While he looks for facts about the crime, she is busily involved in embracing the criminal. Kingliness appears to be critical--hard and unbending; Queenliness, to be understanding--soft and forgiving.

 

In CAMELOT, while King Arthur is struggling with his decision regarding the relationship between might and right, Quenevere, the Queen, says tenderly, Dear Arthur. You mustn't belabor yourself like this. Let us have a quiet dinner, and after, if you like, you can stroll again.


With this statement the Queen in the tale moves to the third element in the Queenly function of nurturing: support. After feeling for the other, and accepting the person, she is supportive of what she has perceived. While the King is busy trying to understand, the Queen is busy with being understanding. Then, when he takes a stand, she, being supportive, stands with him. While he acts out of his understanding, she stands-under (gives support) without acting. The firm strength required for his standing is balanced by the tender sustenance of her support.

 

Queenliness reflects the Female symbols of earth, moon, or darkness. The King, like the sun, objectively looks-down-on things; the Queen, like the earth, subjectively feels-out-toward persons. While he brings the light of understanding, she brings the darkness of acceptance. His way is logical; her's, intuitive. If he is Logos, or word, she is Heart, or feeling. The King's word is his bond; the Queen's heart is her guide.

 

His concern with fairness or justice is balanced by her attention to tolerance or mercy. While he deals with principles and laws, impersonally, she focuses on situations and relationships, personally. His attention to direction, to where we are going, is paralleled by her attentiveness to nurturing the place where we are. He deals with changing things; she with arranging the things present. Kingliness involves getting somewhere; Queenliness is about being more fully here.

 

Summarizing: The role of Queen, one of the four major stances required for good living, is primarily about nurturing or tending. It can be analyzed into the elements of feeling, accepting, and supporting. The King directs, the Queen nurtures.



ROLES SUMMARY

 

The roles--Prince, Princess, King, and Queen--represent four major stances or ways-of-acting which emerge from the overlapping of the four basic human capacities. The Youth capacity for playfulness, for example, combined with the Male capacity for firmness, reflects in the role of Prince. Etc.

 

Whereas capacities are inherent elements of being--they are given, roles are learned ways of acting. We are born with the capacities; we learn how to do the roles. Our capacities represent the substance of who-we-are (our being); the roles reveal who-we-are in action. They are ways of functioning, but not inherent elements of being. This distinction, though perhaps difficult to grasp, becomes important in the differing ways we more wisely approach the two.


Because capacities are given, they are simply to be accepted or embraced. But because roles are ways of functioning, they are not subject to acceptance only; they must be learned. We may accept, for example, our Male capacity for firmness, but we must learn to act like a King. Conversely, we do not simply learn to be firm nor do we merely embrace Kingliness. Capacities are natural; roles aren't. More about this later.


Now back to clarifying the differences between the four roles. Some distinctions were given in the previous descriptions. Here are others. Beginning with Prince and Princess: since both are expressions of Youth capacity for playfulness, they share this in common; yet they go about their play in differing ways. Princes, for instance, play assertive games like Cops and Robbers or Cowboys and Indians, while Princesses play less aggressively, such as, Dolls or House. Princes tend to play more with impersonal things in the outside world--objects and ideas; Princesses, to play with personal things related to the inside world--people and relationships. The Prince is more sensitive to things; the Princess, to people.

 

The Prince is involved in proving and improving himself, while the Princess is concerned with preening and adorning herself. The Prince says, in effect, Look at what I can do (say or understand); The Princess's unspoken message is more like Look at me. He impresses with attention to his deeds, words, or ideas; she with attention to herself--her looks, manners, or niceness. He is concerned with acting smart and strong--brains and brawn; she cares more about being pretty and pleasing. He brags and swaggers, develops a line and shows off, while she remains silent and demure, letting her looks, movements, and manners speak for themselves.


His games (Cops and Robbers, etc.) are primarily about war and winning; hers (Dolls and House) are about people and tending. His playful explorations are about learning to act like a King, to be King of the Mountain. Hers are about learning to act like a Queen; she practices nurturing.

 

While he is busy taking things apart to see how they work, she is busy putting things together--learning colors, shapes, tastes, to make them work in an entirely different sense. He is learning to use thoughts--developing ideas and theories; she is learning to use feelings--developing intuition and warmth. He is learning to make things (cars and clocks) run, while she is learning to make things (faces and spaces) beautiful.

 

In regard to time, he rushes into things. He can't wait and is often early. She dallys, delays about beginning, and is often late.

 

Both the Prince and Princess play at sexuality, yet differently. He, exploring, tickles; she, charming, tempts. He initiates contact (touches, feels, pets); she invites contact (dresses appealingly, perfumes herself, and wears make-up). He reaches out, saying, in effect, I'll get you. She flirts, yet holds back, saying, in effect, Come and get me. He looks goodly (reaches out visually), while she looks good (invites his looking). He sees; she drops her eye lids. In general, he tries hard to get her; she plays hard to get. In concert, they play opposing sexual roles, designed to more effectively get them together.

 

While sharing in Youthful romanticism, they approach romance from opposite directions. The Prince plays Knight-in-shining-armor; the Princess plays Maiden-in-waiting, or -in-distress. He rides out to rescue her; she waits to be rescued. He tries to take-care-of her; she invites being-taken-care-of. Together they play Hide and Seek, but primarily she plays Hide and he plays Seek. Together they play Pleased or Displeased, but mostly she acts displeased while he asks, What will it take to please you?

 

The primary motto of the exploring Prince is Be daring; take a chance. The charming Princess's contrary motto is Be pretty; play it safe.

 

 

Now we turn to compare the roles of King and Queen. Embracing their Adult capacities, both function responsibly, yet in differing ways. He, in combination with the overt power of Male capacity, directs; she, with the covert power of femininity, nurtures. He is tough and firm--hard-headed; she, tender and forgiving--soft-hearted. He is the power on the throne, she, the power behind the throne. He tends to business, takes care of things; she tends to people, takes care of relationships. He organizes, plans ahead, and strives to reach appropriate goals. She, in the meantime, synthesizes, gets involved, and brings herself to the present moment.


The elements of capacity utilized in these complementary roles are also different. Primarily the King thinks, that is, uses his left brain, while the Queen feels, utilizing her right brain. He uses logic; she, intuition. Kingliness involves gathering objective data and acting reasonably; Queenliness functions on the basis of subjective data used emotionally. The King thinks about things; the Queen feels for people.

 

While the King is busy trying to understand (literally), that is, to decide or figure out what to do, the Queen is engaged in understanding (figuratively), that is, in accepting or standing-under with the other person or situation. He is weighing data reasonably; she is intuiting data feelingly. He is trying to delineate, discriminate and reach either/or; she is trying to fuse, meld, and reach both/and. He is trying to draw a line; she, to make a circle. For thinking purposes, he needs to bring things into the light, to name things, to call a spade a spade. For feeling purposes, she needs to keep things in the dark, to sense them, to avoid labels. He is heading toward conclusion, summing up: Yes or no, while she aims at inclusion, keeping options open: Maybe.

 

Finally, on the basis of his conclusion drawn from reasonable analysis of the objective data, he takes a stand. She, on the other hand, on the basis of her inclusion drawn from intuitive melding of her subjective feelings, supports the other person. He stands up; she stands with. He stands for truth, she, for love. He deals with justice; she with mercy. The King must be able to stand alone; the Queen must be able to be close. He cannot afford to be threatened by words and ideas; nor can she, by tears and emotions.

 

Although both are realists, as contrasted with the idealism of the Prince and Princess, the focus of their roles is different. Primarily utilizing thoughts, the King's word is his bond. Since the Queen's major capacity is feeling, her heart is her bond. He says, If it makes sense, do it. She is more likely to say, if she says at all, If it feels right, do it. When they listen, the King listens for the meanings of the words spoken; the Queen listens for the feelings behind the words. He listens with his ears, she with her heart.

 

When they speak, the King tells, the Queen talks. He gives-verses; she con-verses. He has a line; she does not. He is more likely to speak with a purpose; she, for stroking. Both in their speech and activities, he is more likely to be going somewhere, while she is being just here. He has a point, a reason for speaking, while she talks less pointedly, just for the fun of it. Consequently, he is good at speeches and jokes; she is not. She is good at conversation and chit chat; he is not. While he is trying to get somewhere, to get and change things, she is engaged in being present and arranging the things she has.

 

The directing King reflects the Male symbols of sun and sky; the nurturing Queen, the Female symbols, moon and earth. He is signified by word, logos; she, by heart.

 

 

Now we turn to compare the roles related to each gender capacity. Both Prince and King share Maleness. Both Princess and Queen share femininity. How are each different?

 

With their shared capacity for firmness and overt power, Prince and King differ in the ways they utilize Maleness. With the playfulness of Youth, the Prince explores reality, unbounded by the responsibility assumed by the King. Both reach out toward the world assertively, but the Prince aims at freedom--How far can I go? What can I do? What can I get away with? The King, more aware of responsibility, is focused on control and direction rather than freedom. He asks the practical questions. What will work? What will this accomplish? Can I afford to take this chance? What will happen if I do thus and so?

 

From their masculine capacity for thinking, as contrasted with the feminine ability to feel, both the Prince and King are thinkers. The Prince's thoughts, however, expressive of his role of exploring, are idealistic rather than practical. He thinks more about what-might-be, than about what-is. As a dreamer, he fantasizes about making the world a better place, doing things in a finer way, shaping reality in a more satisfying manner. His head, figuratively speaking, is in the clouds. Laws and rules, the old wisdom, are of little interest to the Prince. He is more concerned with how to go beyond the limitations of the law. How can I break the law and get away with it? is of more interest to the Prince than How can I keep the law? His thinking may be described as magical rather than practical.

 

Freed from the constraints of reality, the Prince is creative in his thought patterns as well as his activities. Easily he dreams up new ways of doing things.


The King, in contrast, focuses thought on practical matters. His feet are on the ground, that is, he thinks pragmatically about how to make things work. While the Prince, for example, is thinking about how to have fun, the King may be considering how to make more money. Recognizing the limitations of humanity, the King thinks more about how to maintain or apply reasonable laws than about how to avoid them. Speed limits challenge a Prince, but please a King.

 

Breaking thought into two of its elements--imagination and reasoning, the Prince majors in the first element while the King mainly engages in the latter type of thinking. Princes are often imaginative but unreasonable, while Kings tend to be reasonable but unimaginative.

 

Both the Prince and the King, being assertive, extend themselves outwardly in the world. Both take chances, but in different ways. Each one gambles, but the Prince gambles more recklessly, with less attention given to the odds of success. The Prince takes the long shots, gambles with higher stakes and lesser chances of success. The King, however, counts the costs. His gambles are based on careful attention to the odds. He does not take risks he cannot afford to lose. The Prince, inattentive to possibilities of loss, is often caught by surprise at his failures. The King is more surprised by winning.

 

In regard to other people, the Prince is more likely to be a social or political reformer, one who strives to help others. The King, in contrast is more focused on ruling or maintaining structures of safety in which people are allowed to pursue their own goals. Revolutionaries in any arena--art, politics, or religion, are apt to be Princes. The Establishment tends to be more Kingly in its functioning. In the Bible, Jesus and Pilot contrasted these two roles. Jesus was concerned with saving people; Pilot was attentive to ruling the kingdom. Jesus wanted to bring in a new and more viable kingdom; Pilot, representing the establishment, wanted to maintain the old.

 

 

The Princess and Queen, while sharing the capacities of femininity, also differ in significant ways. The Princess, with the playfulness of Youth, is primarily out to have a good time. She just wants to have fun. The Queen, with the responsibility of Adulthood, adds the dimension of time to the timelessness of Youth. She, knowing about consequences, is willing to delay satisfactions--that is, to work. If work enters the picture, the Princess is ready to leave. Immediate satisfactions are the boundaries of her world.

 

Sharing the capacity of covert power--the power of tenderness, the ability to succeed by yielding rather than overwhelming, both the Princess and the Queen are achievers, yet in differing ways. The Princess charms; the Queen nurtures. The Princess achieves by presenting herself--her appearance, movements, and actions, in a manner which calls for attention. She starts things by being cute; she initiates activity by being charming. Waiting helplessly, for instance, she invites being helped. Looking playful, she invites being played with. Appearing sexily, she invites being seduced.

 

Also tender, the Queen wields her covert power in the form of nurturing rather than charming. While the Princess is saying, by her manner, Won't you please help me?, the Queen conveys the opposite message. Won't you let me help you? Her stance conveys the fact that she stands ready and willing to be supportive, to be the power behind the throne for a King, or the protective mother for a Prince or Princess.

 

The petulant impatience of the Princess, who wants everything now, is contrasted with the apparently infinite patience of the Queen who seems to be able to endure almost anything.

 

As feminine, both the Princess and Queen are intuitive rather than logical. Feeling takes precedence over thinking. Both are identified more with their right brains than with their left. But as feeling types, both focus their intuitive capacity in different directions. For the Princess, her feelings are in the service of her function of charming. The Queen's intuition is aimed at nurturing.


The Princess is emotionally sensitive to how others are responding to her. Is she charming or not? Her intuitiveness is utilized in immediately tuning in on how to best prepare and present herself for attracting others, then on how effective she is in an encounter. Are they looking or not? Do they respond positively or negatively. Is my presentation working? Do I need to change something about the way I look, move, or speak? Her emotional sensitivity is aimed at constantly improving her role as charmer.

 

The Queen, in the mean time, is equally intuitive, yet focused on how to best perform her function of nurturing. She is sensitively alert to the needs of others. If she happens to be a mother, she hears a child move in the night, possibly evidencing some need, while her husband sleeps unawarely. If she is a wife, she senses her husbands needs, often long before he does. She picks up emotional vibrations, observes facial expressions, senses signs of neediness. She knows when something is wrong, usually before the evidence becomes obvious. The mothering instinct, this intuitive capacity of Queenliness is sometimes called.

 

The Princess's feelings are about How do I look? and, Do you like me? The Queen's are about How do you feel? and, How can I help you? A Princess is relatively inattentive to the needs of others, except as they relate to her effective charming. A Queen's looks are secondary to her function of nurturing. When a Princess asks What do you like?, she is looking for clues as to how to charm you. When a Queen asks the same question, she is wondering how she can best nurture you.

 


CAPACITIES & ROLES

 

How are capacities and roles related? What is the difference between the four major capacities: Youth and Adult, Male and Female--and the four primary roles: Prince and Princess, King and Queen?


Capacities are the substance of Who-we-are; roles are the scripts for How-we-act. The answer to the question, Who are you?, involves the four major capacities--Youth, Adult, Male, and Female. The you in the Who are you? question can be broken down, for sake of understanding, into four parts. If you answer the "Who are you?" question with "I am me (or myself)," then your me consists of four major parts: Youth Me, Adult Me, Male Me, and Female Me. Your Self can be broken down into your Youth Self, your Adult Self, your Male Self, and your Female Self.

 

Who-you-are, summarized as me, myself, or simply I, can be divided, for sake of analysis or understanding, into these four major capacities.


The second fundamental question, "How do you do?," is about acting in the world. Our "doing" is also broken down here into four major roles or scripts-for-acting, namely, the roles of Prince, Princess, King, and Queen. Being yourself (Youth/Adult/Male/Female), you may act in four main ways (Prince/Princess/King/Queen). These four roles are summaries of forms of acting, patterns of behavior. All our possible diverse sub-scripts are grouped, for understanding's sake, into these four major categories.

 

The principal point here is that capacities are for being; roles are for doing. Your capacities are who-you-are; your roles are what-you-do. You can be yourself (your capacities) without doing anything, but as soon as you start to act, your behavior will fall into one or more of these primary roles. When, for example, you are being your Male self, you will either be acting like a Prince or King (or a combination of the two roles).

 

Conversely, the order cannot be reversed. Capacities are for being, roles are for doing, but not vice versa. You cannot be either of the roles, nor can you, literally, act the capacities. You can act, for instance, like a Prince (one of the roles), but you cannot be a Prince. Prince remains a stance, a way-of-acting, a role--but does not exist as something to be. On the other hand, you can be Youth and Adult, but these are not things to do. The spontaneity of Youth, for example, is a capacity for being, but not an act for doing. Trying to act spontaneous is always a charade. One may go through the motions, pretending to be spontaneous, yet this is not the same as truly being open as is the Youth.


This distinction is important because the wiser way we relate to capacities and roles is also different. Capacities are given; roles are learned. Capacities are to be accepted and activated--embraced; roles are skills to be practiced and perfected. To try to reverse the order is to attempt the impossible. Maleness, for instance is a capacity, a given. One can either accept or try to deny the gift. Ideally one accepts and activates Maleness. However, Maleness is not an act or role to simply be learned. Trying to act like a man, for example, is not the same as accepting the capacity and being manly.

 

On the other hand, roles, not being capacities which are given, are skills to be learned. Ideally one learns how to act well in all the major roles. Learning, however, is different from accepting. Whereas we can embrace (accept and activate) a given capacity--wait for it to come, entertaining it when it does--we can actively seek to find out how the roles work, practice and learn to do them.

 

Maturity then, is embracing capacities and acting roles. Ideally we become ourselves, that is, embrace all four basic human capacities, and learn to act in each of the four major roles. Being ourselves means being able to be Youth and Adult, Male and Female--that is, spontaneous and responsible, firm and yielding--each in its own time and place. We all have, in varying degrees, the capacities of Youth and Adult, Male and Female. When we accept and activate them, we play or work in a hard or soft manner, as is appropriate in our individual circumstances.

 

In society the four major roles are our ways of living out these capacities. Ideally we learn to perform in each of these ways--like a Prince and King, Princess and Queen, and then act in whichever role is most appropriate at the time--the role which works best in achieving our goals just then.

 

 

Summarizing: capacities are for being; roles, for doing. Being is one thing; doing is another. Being is about who-we-are; doing is about how-we-act. Capacities--Youth and Adult, Male and Female, fall into the realm of being. Roles--Prince and King, Princess and Queen, are in the category of doing.

 

Although the two categories can never be separated in practice (being and doing are always intertwined), we can see each separately. The relevant difference here is that capacities, in the category of being, are inherited or given. We need only embrace or accept what is naturally innate in human potential. The capacities for spontaneity and responsibility, for instance, are inherent in all humans. These capacities come with being born human. The possibilities for being firm and yielding are likewise native to humanity. When we are born, these four major capacities are the elements of who-we-are.

 

The roles--the ways we may act (in the category of doing) are, in contrast, not given or inherited; they must be learned. For example, while the capacities for sponding (Youth) and being firm (Male) are inherited, the role of Prince, which expresses these two capacities, falls into the category of doing. As such it must be learned or acquired in society. And so with each of the other roles.

 

Capacities are like talents, that is, inherited or given; roles are like skills, acquired through practice. We may be any or all of our capacities, and do or act in either or all of the four roles, but we cannot reverse the situation. We can't act a capacity, and we can't be a role.


A role is like a cloak or clothes which we wear. One being himself, for instance, firm and responsible, may put on the robe of a King--that is, act like a King. He may do the job of leading. However, the role of King remains an act, something which one may or may not do. It is not something which one may be. One can be Male and Adult (capacities), but one cannot be a King. King, one of the four roles in the category of doing, is only a possible act which one may or may not learn to do.

 

The relevance of these distinctions will become clearer later when we turn to the issue of practice. For now, note that capacities and roles, though both are essential for being in the world, are not the same. Capacities are for being; roles are for doing.

 

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CHAPTER 5

 

ANGELS

 

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INTRODUCTION

 

The size and nature of the human brain allow us the blessing of consciousness. We can both be and be aware of being. But with the blessing comes a potential curse: the possibility of self-consciousness, and with that the option of self-denial. We can be conscious and self-acceptive, or unconscious and self-rejective. This latter choice is the one which leads to the reality of angels and demons.

 

Two principles about nature are relevant: one, that nature tends to activate itself; and two, that nature abhors a vacuum. The first principle means that capacities in nature have an innate inclination, drive, or urge to become activated. Flowers tend to bloom; roots, to spread; dogs are inclined to bark; animals, to reproduce. Structural possibilities in living forms of reality tend to become what they are capable of being; potentialities, to become actualities. What nature can do, it "yearns" to do.

 

The second principle means that when a capacity is not activated, a vacuum, which nature does not like, is created. If air is pulled out of a container, for instance a plastic bottle, creating a vacuum, then the sides of the container experience pressure and tend to cave in. Nature's abhorrence is evidenced by the force which appears when the air is eliminated.

 

When a plant or animal is hindered in activating its natural capacities, a force appears. The plant tries to bloom anyway, even if the weather is uncooperative. Roots try to spread, even if a concrete driveway lies in their way. Dogs want to bark, even when muzzled. When the drive toward reproduction is curtailed, still the urge remains. When the activating force is sufficiently denied, than a negating force appears. Prevented from blooming for too long, the plant withers. The too long hushed dog may gnaw the furniture. Mother Nature, figuratively speaking, gets angry when denied the right to be herself, to do whatever she can. She abhors a void.

 

These facts about physical nature are also true about human nature. We too, like other creatures and life forms, tend to activate our own human possibilities. Just as we are innately inclined to breath, eat, defecate, reproduce, and stay alive, so our other more individualized capacities tend to become operative. Human potential, like the potential energy in a coiled spring, also yearns to be activated. If we can, we are inclined to; if the capacity is written into our genetic structure, we are instinctively called to make it operative in the world where we live. The capacity for Adulthood which is written into the genes of children calls for activation. We naturally want to grow up. Masculinity and femininity, with all the diverse elements of each, call for expression. Male and Female genes yearn for activation.

 

When these natural inclinations are denied for any reason, such as, the process of socialization or acceptance in a family or community, still they tend to cry out. What we potentially are, we are "called" to become. Whenever that which is truly human is voided (a-voided, denied, repressed, ruled out), nature abhors the vacuum which is created. This void in being calls for filling.

 

Two voices respond to this void: the affirming call of our real, but unembraced capacities--the denied elements of who we actually are, and the negating call of unreal possibilities--imagined capacities which do not exist in reality. These voices may be personified as angels and demons. When we reject as not me certain of our actual capacities, their call seems to come from outside ourselves. Because our imagined but unreal capacities are also beyond us, their appeal likewise seems to be from out there. Naming these voices becomes pragmatic if we are to deal with them creatively.

 

The human capacity to imagine, to make images in the mind, is the source of angels and demons. We have the ability to imagine in two ways: to imagine that the is is not, and that the is not is. In the first instance we imagine that things real are unreal. For example, we can imagine that our real anger does not actually exist. "Oh, I was just kidding," or, "I know you are not really mad at me." In the second type we imagine that things actually unreal are real--for example, ghosts, or that we are not capable of anger at those we love.

 

Because these imaginings--that the is is not, and that the is not is--are seldom conscious or in our awareness, we need the concept of the unconscious mind to conceive them. If we view the mind as divided into conscious and unconscious parts (some say we are about 1/8 conscious and 7/8 unconscious), then we may further divide the unconscious mind into two major components also.

 

Part A of the unconscious mind contains the force, power, or voices of denied but real capacities, our unaccepted selves. Part B contains the corresponding voices of embraced non-real capacities, our accepted but unreal selves. That which is, but which we have imagined not to be, is Part A; that which is not, but which we have imagined to be, is Part B. Part A is the source of our angels; Part B is where the demons reside.

 

Because we are accustomed to applying the labels positive and negative to everything, one further clarification may be needed. Angel voices are always affirming what is real, but they are not necessarily viewed as positive; nor are demon voices necessarily perceived as negative, even though they are in fact negating. Reality, the origin of the angels, includes both positive and negative--light and dark, happy and sad, calm and angry, certainty and doubt, etc.


The popular notion of trying to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative, of having all up and no down, all happy and no sad, always being certain and never doubting, is an unrealistic goal. Since angels call us to reality, they do not call to the so-called positive parts only, for example, to always be happy but never sad, to be continually certain and never doubting. Angels also call us to embrace what we have learned to call negative reality. When sad is real, they call us to be sad. When anger is real, they call us to be angry. All voices considered negative are not necessarily from the demons.

 

Nor are all so-called positive voices from the angels. When grief is real--as when a loss has occurred, the demons may tell us to be happy. When doubt is appropriate, demons may tell us to be certain. The designations, positive and negative, are often misleading when we come to distinguish the voices of the angels and demons.

 

To summarize: human nature tends to activate itself. Naturally we are self-activating. However, self-actualization is often problematic in families and society, leading to the possibility of non-actualizing. Yet nature, when not activated, also abhors the vacuum which is created. If we can be, something makes us want to be. This something is here named an angel. So that we may communicate about these inclinations-toward-activation, the grammatical device of personification is used, giving them names: angels. The call to become who we are is through the voices of our angels.


First, the affirmative calls come from the angels. They call us to activate our real capacities, to become who we truly are. But when they are denied forcefully or long enough, other voices are heard. The void will be filled--if not by what we truly are, then by what we are not. When the angels are not heeded, the demons commonly rush in to take their place.

 


ANGELS

 

For the ideal person, one who has embraced all human capacities--thereby becoming him or herself, and learned each of the roles, the subject of angels is irrelevant. A whole person, as understood here, is one who has embraced the capacities for both playfulness (Youth) and responsibility (Adult), for firmness (Male) and softness (Female). Such a person, with all four capacities activated, is able to be playful and responsible, firm and soft, whichever is appropriate at the time.


Merging these general capacities into the four roles for directing, nurturing, exploring, and charming--personified as King, Queen, Prince, and Princess, a whole person will have learned each of the roles and be able to move freely from one to the other, as circumstances and goals indicate. Such a person--young or old, man or woman--will be able to play or be responsible, to be firm or yielding, as is realistic in current circumstances. He or she will have the skills for Kingliness, Queenliness, Princeliness, or Princessness. In any given time and place such a person may appear more as one than another, for example, more like a King than a Queen, more directing than nurturing, but this will be for pragmatic reasons. Having the contrary role also available, he will easily be able to switch to that stance if so chooses. A King, in this example, will be able to change to the Queen role--from directing to nurturing, whenever he decides.


Recalling that Gender is used metaphorically, we can see how a Prince may change into a Princess, that is, how one who is exploring may slip into the role of charming (Princess). Or one who is a whole person may change from soft Queenliness to firm Kingliness when circumstances call for directing rather than nurturing. Our metaphorical use of Age means that one with all capacities embraced can likewise move from Youth to Adult and vice versa, whenever he chooses. For instance, such a person who is playfully having fun at a party, activating Youth capacities, may, as the evening fades, become responsible Adult at the midnight hour. As playfulness phases into responsibility, the Youth becoming Adult takes charge of ending the party, or cleaning up afterward.

 

Were a person to embrace all of his or her given capacities and learn each role, there would be no reason to consider the subject of angels and demons. Unfortunately this never seems to be the case. The challenges of becoming in actuality who we potentially are, in the midst of a given family and society, are apparently so great that we all succumb to the temptation of being less than we are. We settle for seconds. To fit in and be accepted, we try to deny certain of our capacities and to exaggerate others. Depending on individual circumstances, we may try, for example, to deny our capacity for responsibility, for being Adult, and exaggerate the gift of playfulness. We may try to be just Youth, and not Adult. Or we may try to be completely firm, only Male, and never soft. We may deny our capacity for femininity, exaggerating masculinity. Or vice versa.

 

As noted earlier, the size and capacity of the human brain, with the possibility for self-consciousness and hence, self-unconsciousness, allows us to negate even awareness of any given capacity. We can so completely avoid, deny, or repress a capacity that we forget we ever had it. One may, for instance, become so Adult, so responsible, that he forgets he also has the possibility of being playful Youth. He loses awareness of the Youth part of himself.


Or one may become so hard and unyielding that he loses conscious contact with Female capacities. He may staunchly deny that he has femininity also, trying to appear as a macho Male only. Or, conversely, one may exaggerate the human capacity for softness, trying to be totally Female. She (or he) may then deny any possibility for firmness, constantly giving in whenever there is conflict in life.

 

These conscious denials of personal capacities do not, fortunately, make them disappear. They are only driven underground, out of awareness. That one denies the Youth does not mean that the capacity for playfulness is erased, only that the person has segmented himself and lost conscious contact with his playful Youth. That a man denies his femininity consciously does not mean that he has magically erased a part of himself. It only means that he has created a wall within himself, with his capacity for softness lost to awareness. If a woman represses her ability to be firm, to manage her life in society, insisting that she is just a woman, she only deceives herself. Her capacity for firmness is simply relegated to unconsciousness. It does not go away just because she has banished it; only she is away, living separated from an actual part of her real self.

 

It is these banishments of human capacities, for whatever reason they occur, which open the door to angels. When a possibility is relegated to unconsciousness its driving force still exists. Denial does not erase it. Still the capacity calls out for activation. It is this calling which, personified, becomes the voice of the angels. When what we are is avoided, they (actually, denied we) still speak. Be yourself, say the angels. Be all that you are capable of being. These general calls become specific when they are from specifically denied capacities.

 

But when the voices of angels are also denied, when we pretend not to hear them for too long, then the void still calls for filling. At this point in everyone's emptiness, the demons appear. When we do not heed our angels, always the demons are there to take their place. More about them later.

 

First, I amplify the meaning of the fact that unembraced capacities do not disappear. Even when a person does not accept or activate one or more of his given capacities (here represented by the personifications of Youth and Adult, Male and Female), they remain present but unrecognized. In psychological metaphors we may say they are repressed into the unconscious mind. Wherever we may think of the denied capacities as residing, the fact of their potential for activation remains.

 

If, for instance, a person denies Female capacity, it may appear that he is totally Male, without any capability for softness. Even so, this unaccepted possibility remains potentially available to him. If a person only accepts the capacity for Youth, remaining playful but irresponsible, still the Adult capacity lies dormant though unembraced.

 

These dormant (denied, repressed, or unfaced) capacities, unrecognized by the person who has not activated them, are like positive forces locked away in some hidden part of the individual's mind. Or, to use another metaphor, they are like children locked in a closet. Often they cry out for release. Inherently human capacities call for activation. When they are locked away, unaccepted for any reason, still they call for freedom.

 

For example, if a man has not accepted his Female capacity for softness, thinking himself to be firm only, this possibility remains dormant within him, locked, we might say, in some forgotten closet of his mind. Sometimes, as during an emotion-packed movie, this denied capacity is likely to call out for activation. The hard man may feel an almost irresistible urge to cry. Or, a woman who has not accepted her capacity for firmness, her Male, may, during an argument with her husband feel a powerful inclination to fiercely strike out and hurt him.

 

Such messages from unembraced personal capacities, calls from potential elements of oneself which have previously been left unactivated, are personified in this book. A metaphorical source is given to them. They come, we say, from angels. An Angel is an unembraced human capacity which may sometimes call out for activation, a real but denied element of personal potential which occasionally appears to one in a disguised form.

 

If, for instance, one has yet to embrace his Adult capacity, that denied element of himself is apt to appear at times, calling the person to assume responsibility for his own life. Here we identify this voice as being from his Adult angel. Or, if one has accepted his potential for Adult, being responsible at all times, his unembraced capacity for play may sometimes be heard. Such a hard-working person may occasionally hear his Youth angel saying, "Lighten up and have some fun." And so with the capacities for Male and Female when they are unaccepted within a person. They may be heard as one's Male or Female angel.

 

Potentially then, each person may sometimes hear the voices from one or more of the four Capacity Angels, depending on which of his capacities are unaccepted within himself.

 

When one or more of the four major roles is left unlearned, the need for them is likely to become aware, at times, to the person who lacks their skills. We name these voices also; they are the Role Angels. When one has not learned to act, for instance, like a Queen, the need for that role may appear to the needy individual. This is his Queen angel, calling the person to learn the skills required for proper nurturing.

 

When a woman has not learned to act like a Princess, attracting and charming others, this void in her role repertoire is apt to appear, calling her to learn to flirt. This voice comes from her Princess angel.

 

Summarizing: the positive possibilities of our unembraced capacities and unlearned roles may sometimes call to us. For pragmatic purposes, a metaphorical source is given. These invitations to become our fuller selves are from our angels--Youth and Adult, Male and Female; Prince and King, Princess and Queen.

 

PRESENCE OF ANGELS

 

Every person who has not fully embraced his or her given human potential lives in the presence of angels. Though often unrecognized and more often unheeded, they are, I believe, continually available to each of us, calling us to embrace our larger capacities, to become who we can be.


Specifically, they call most loudly from the regions of our least embraced capacities. The strongest voices we may hear are from those parts of ourselves which we have tried the hardest to exclude. Men who have tried since childhood to be real men, that is, to deny their feminine capacities, are likely to hear, if they dare to listen, the voice of their Female angel at most every turn. Indeed, the harder they strive to be strong, as men define strength, the louder the call of their Female angel is likely to become. "You are also soft," she may say; "Embrace your softness too."

 

Women who have denied their capacity for overt strength, are equally likely to hear the call of their Male angel, inviting them to firmness. Those who have suppressed their capacity for playfulness can expect the Youth angel to appear regularly. "Sure, you are being responsible," he may say, "but are you having any fun?" In turn, eternal children who are yet to grow up can expect to hear, if they dare, the voice of their Adult angel with such a message as: "Yes, you are a fine dancer; but how are you going to pay the piper?"

 

The Role Angels, Prince and Princess, King and Queen, are also available to each of us. To the degree of our unlearned skill in these four major roles, the voice of our denied capabilities cry out, until suppressed too long. To those who have tried to kill their own natural curiosity, for instance, the voice of the Prince will come, saying, "Explore. Look into it. See what it is made of. See how it works. See if you can do it yourself."

 

The unlearned ability to charm will inevitably invite the voice of the Princess angel. "Look good. Be cute. Invite attention." The harder one tries to deny her call, to hide what she or he has done, who she or he is, the louder she will call. "Be seen; be seen," the Princess angel will say.


Those who have repressed their capacity to take charge of their lives, to give direction to their efforts, those who have left leadership to others, can expect at some times to hear the voice of their own King angel. "Take charge," he will say; "Don't let them push you around so." When one is being wishy washy, fearful of decision, trying to get direction from others, he may cry out: "Make up your own mind; you can decide for yourself."

 

Because we are all different in the degree to which we have embraced each of our human capacities, we also find our angels in differing degrees of intensity. Some have, for example, already embraced the human ability to be responsible for themselves. They may, however, have denied their capacity for fun. They are all work and no play, which, as everyone knows, makes Jack a dull boy. To such responsible ones the voice of their Youth angel will naturally be louder than the Adult angel.


Others have accepted their ability to nurture, help, tend, and care. Already they are Queenly, needing no urge toward this capacity. Yet they have denied their possibilities for charming. They are unable to flirt, tease, and be seen as attractive. To such persons the Princess angel may be the strongest voice they hear. Or, often female gendered persons have accepted both these capacities, but have denied their possibilities for exploring or directing. They have tried to be just women. To them, both their Prince and King angels are apt to speak regularly. "Venture out," the Prince buried within them, may say. "See what you can do." Or their King angel may urge, while they are passively waiting to be rescued, "Take charge; you can decide for yourself."

 

Men, all too commonly, embrace their abilities to try their wings, to sow wild oats, and to give direction to their lives, yet at the expense of their own possibilities for being charming and helpful. They are not only bulls in the pasture, but in the china shop and bedroom as well. To such familiar but pathetically lacking humans, the Princess and Queen angels are likely to appear. Some morning while such a half-person is dressing, a voice may ask: "Why are you wearing mismatched clothes?" Later, when tempted to too much firmness, his Queen's voice may say: "Hey, take it easy; try a little tenderness."

 

Though we are all different in the degree to which we have embraced our given capacities and hence hear the angel voices from our denied depths--you have your angels, I have mine--in common we potentially share, I think, all eight of these angels to be described next. Probably the intensity of their voices varies from person to person, just as there are differing degrees of capacity in each major area in each person. It appears, however, that each of us has all of the angels, with variations in size, given to us individually. No one, so far as I can tell from those persons I have known well, lacks the possibility of any particular angel. We all seem to be gifted with a Youth and an Adult, a Male and a Female, and also with a Prince, Princess, King and Queen angel.

 

Certainly we do not hear each one equally. Some do not hear one or another at all. But this is, I think, because of our demons; not because all the angels aren't available to us all.



SPECIFIC ANGELS

 

Since angels represent the voices of unembraced capacities and unlearned roles, they may be recognized and named the same as the previously considered capacities and roles--summarized as Youth and Adult, Male and Female (capacities), plus Prince and Princess, King and Queen (roles).

 

When, for example, one's Youth capacity for spontaneous playfulness is unembraced, that denied part of one's self becomes the Youth angel. Unembraced abilities to be responsible (Adult), become the voice of the Adult angel. And so on.

 

Initially the angels may be broken down into those representing unembraced capacities--called Capacity Angels, and those from unlearned roles, named Role Angels. The following chart summarizes these names. For clarification, Capacity Angels are in capital letters, enclosed in hearts; Role Angels are in lower case letters, in boxes.

 




 

ANGEL DICTIONARY

 

Youth Angel: Represents the most basic of all human capacities, the ability to be spontaneous, free, and playful. This angel says, "Have fun." When one has heard the angel he is able to say, "Let's party; let's have a good time."

 

Adult Angel: Re-sponding, sponding again, is the second most elemental human capacity. The Adult angel calls one to take into account what he has learned from his spontaneity, and then to spond once more. This angel says, "Be responsible." When the angel has been accepted the person says, "Let's make it work."

 

Male Angel: This angel stands for overt power, the human capacity to exert oneself outwardly, to stand firm, to be hard. The angel says, "Take a stand." When one has embraced Maleness, his or her appearance says: "I'm strong."

 

Female Angel: Femininity represents covert power, inward strength. This angel calls one to encounter in a yielding manner. She says, "Be gentle." When a person has accepted this capacity he or she can be present in a patient, accepting way.

 

Prince Angel: The Prince is the explorer, the creative, investigative, spontaneous Youth. This angel calls one to be adventurous, to reach out into the world in new ways. His message is: "Be daring." One who has responded to his Prince angel says, "Let's give it a try."

 

Princess Angel: Princess is the charmer. This angel calls one to adorn and present oneself in an inviting manner, to say, "Look at me." Once the angel is heard, the person appears pleasingly contained, as if to say, "Enjoy seeing me; take me with you."

 

King Angel: The firm and responsible person is called by this angel to Take charge of things. The King is the director. He invites one to think, decide, and act. When Kingliness has been learned, the individual seems to say by his presence, "Let's do it."

 

Queen Angel: The soft and responsible individual is called by the Queen angel to nurture: to feel-for, accept, and support. She is our invitation to do good mothering. When this angel has been accepted, the person seems to say, "I'm with you."

 

For further understanding of the fuller messages of each angel, return to the chapters on capacities and roles. These eight descriptions are also the messages of the angels which represent them when they remain unembraced or unlearned.

 

**********

 



CHAPTER 6

 

DEMONS

 

INTRODUCTION

 

Ideally, consciousness is used for activating our natural potential, for being and becoming all that we can be in the world where we live. Each urge, inclination, desire, ability, talent is embraced as a resource for living well as we inherently are. All the capacities previously summarized under the names Youth, Adult, Male, Female, plus the roles of Prince, Princess, King, and Queen, are accepted and brought into play in the drama of personal existence. When so, we live fully, to the limits of human potential, honestly being who we are and playing our roles in the circumstances where we find ourselves. We are spontaneously and responsibly ourselves in the world where we live.

 

We are all tempted, however, in the midst of challenging family and social circumstances, to deny certain of our capacities, to say it isn't so. We can use our gift of consciousness to suppress as well as express various elements of who we are. When we deny activation of a part of ourselves, that segment of self is partially cut off from our sense of who-we-are. Though denied acceptance and activation as self, the banished elements of our natural capacities remain. We perceive ourselves as separate from them; yet they are present with us. We no longer accept them as elements of who-we-are, but they remain, like shadows which continually call us to become our larger selves.

 

Even when we try not to hear them; still they speak. The denied parts--our shadowed selves--cry out. They call for our attention, indeed, they call us to attention. These voices of the unembraced elements of ourselves--our angels, everpresent, invite us to return to who we are, to accept the gift of our fuller selves, to be all that we are capable of being.

 

Stubbornly though, we may refuse to hear. The gift of consciousness can be changed into a curse. As though we are gods, with the capacity to magically negate reality, we may so long deny the shadowy angel voices of our banished selves that they become unhearable. Through our continued repressions we may create, in effect, a void within ourselves. Denial of capacity creates a hole in personal existence. And human nature will not long tolerate the vacuum of such a void. Something must fill it.

 

That something, if not the angels, will be the demons. Into the vacuum of the void created by the negation of the real, the unreal rushes in. The creative power of embraced potential is replaced by the destructive power of denied potential. When the is is not allowed, the is not inevitably takes its place. We cannot hold the void vacant for long. Unfortunately the world is also full, as it were, of demons waiting for a place to possess. We offer them a residence, unwittingly, whenever we refuse to heed the voices from our shadowed selves which call us back to the fullness of who we might be. To say no to our angels, our shadowed selves, is to say yes to our demons. We cannot have it both ways.

 

When any given potential is not embraced and its distant call is no longer heeded, then we are confronted with the destructive powers of the demons.

 

How can we get a mental handle on these destructive forces which sometimes possess us? How can we understand the demons? For introduction, the adjectives, good and bad, may be used to begin distinguishing these destructive forces. The Youth capacity, for example, can be called Good Youth in order to distinguish it from its demon replacement which may be called Bad Youth. Adult capacity can be referred to as Good Adult; the corresponding demon may be called Bad Adult. And so on.

 

When the responsible Adult is negated, this void is filled by a non-responsible or Bad Adult. If one's Good Male who is firm is not embraced, then a Bad Male who lacks appropriate firmness--is either too hard or too limp, takes his place. When the softness of the Good Female is denied, than a non-soft Bad Female rushes in to fill the void created by the denial of the positive capacity.

 

The demons called Bad Youth, Bad Adult, Bad Male, and Bad Female, with the characteristics of non-playful, non-responsible, non-firm, and non-soft, may be further clarified by amplifying the characteristics labeled as non--playful, responsible, etc.

 

For each positive capacity there appear to be two predictable negative forces or demons ready to take its place. Closer inspection reveals that they are more like opposite sides of the same coin rather than two separate forces. However, in practice they may be named as though they are divisible, since that is the more familiar way they appear.

 

The non-playfulness of the Bad Youth can be either upward toward the Good Adult, or downward away from Adulthood. That is, the healthy playfulness of the Good Youth may be replaced either by a negative form of doll-like non-playfulness or a brat-like form. The Good (playful) Youth may be supplanted by a bad Doll or a bad Brat--that is, the positive capacity may turn negative toward "too good" or "too bad." The words are placed in quotes to denote colloquial usage. The person possessed by the demon called Bad Youth may either become a goodie-goodie or a real brat. These subdivisions of the Bad Youth, to be clarified later, are named: Doll and Brat. When the positive capacity for spontaneity, the good playful Youth, is not embraced, the two predictable forms of the Bad Youth Demon are Doll and Brat.


Healthy spontaneity is replaced by unhealthy forces which are personified as Doll--a little angel, a childlike constellation of traits as seen in the good little boy who is above misbehaving, or the sweet girl who is too good to play in the dirt of life.

 

Or, the opposite Demon, the Brat, may appear. This set of negative forces is the all too familiar rebellious child pattern. Appearing in persons of any age, this Demon says, in effect, Whatever you tell me to do is exactly what I will not do. Playful spontaneity is replaced by a charade of play which is really a predictable form of rebellion only. If the Doll Demon is the good boy (or girl), the Brat Demon is the bad boy (or girl).

 


In a similar fashion the non-responsibility of the Bad Adult comes in two forms. When positive responsibility is denied, the Bad Adult demon which rushes in to fill the void may either be godly or saintly, that is, too authoritative or too perfect. Healthy responsibility is replaced by unrealistic authority or perfectionism. The otherwise Good Adult, when voided, turns into either a super-responsible God or a self-sacrificial Saint. These become the identifying names of the two types of Bad Adult.

 


When the Good Male is negated, the Bad Male who rushes in to take his place, the non-firm demon, may also come in one of two forms. Healthy firmness, the quality of the Good Male, may be supplanted by excessive harshness on the one hand, or limpness on the other. The Bad Male may either be a SOB (Son Of A Bitch) or a Wimp. The SOB is the super-aggressive, macho-type pattern of destructive traits, while the Wimp is its opposite face--the Casper Milktoast, anything you say, form of negative attributes. Firmness is replaced by harshness or laxness.

 

If the soft and yielding characteristics of good femininity are denied, the Bad Female demon which rushes in to fill the void may either be excessively pliable or unbendingly rigid. Healthy Female softness, when negated, is replaced by water or ice; Good Female becomes either a Patsy or a Witch. The Patsy is the jelly-like replacement of the soft Female; the Witch is the harder-than-nails substitute for femininity.

 


GENDER DEMONS

 

Just as there are typical Demons which fill the voids left when capacities are unembraced, so are there predictable negative forces which appear when roles are left unlearned. When, for example, the role of King is vacant in one's repertoire of available acts, the Bad King, in the form of Tyrant or Coward, is ready to take its place. Instead of the responsible director, a tyrannical dictator or a cowardly lion are predictable.

 

When the functional role of Queen is not learned, one can expect the Bad Queen, formed as Slave or Super-mom to appear. The nurturing function is supplanted by a family servant who does everything for everybody, or by a matriarchal mother-figure who attempts to run everyone's life.

 

Barring skills at functioning as an exploring Prince, we can expect the vacated role to be filled by a Bad Prince, a little Jerk demon or his counterpart, the traditional Martyr. Creative adventuring is replaced by the moody mommy's boy who wants everything done for him, or by the self-sacrificial stance of one who can never do enough to please everyone.

 

An unlearned Princess role is commonly replaced by the Bad Princess--the Maid or the Bitch. The Maid demon is like Cinderella, working her fingers to the bone with the secret hope that some handsome Prince will eventually come and take her to the ball. When her dream remains unfilled, as predictably it does, she is apt to be replaced by her counterpart, the complaining Bitch, the dissatisfied Princess look-alike who finds a pea under every mattress.

 

 

 

DEMON DICTIONARY

 

BAD YOUTH: This most elemental of demons represents the escape from spontaneity. He tempts one to either be too good (a Doll) or to rebel in misbehavior (a Brat). When possessed by either of this demon's two forms, one may act playful; yet there is no genuine fun in what is done. The Doll is goodie-goodie (too good); the Brat disrupts playfulness in a negative manner.

 

BAD ADULT: Healthy responsibility can be replaced with two deceptive look-alikes. One may act excessively authoritative, like a God, or pretend to be perfect, as a Saint. The God demon, when in control, can say, Just because I said so. The Saint, working with shame, says, You can do better than that.

 

BAD MALE: The firmness of masculinity has been replaced by this demon when a person becomes either a Son of a Bitch, a macho man who acts as though he can do anything, or a Wimp, the proverbial quiche-eating soft male. The SOB says to one, You're the greatest. The Wimp says, You're so weak; you better be nice.

 

BAD FEMALE: Healthy covert power is replaced by this demon who comes either in the form of a Patsy, saying, Let them do whatever they want to (be too yielding), or a Witch with the tempting urge to eat them alive. The Witch kills by consuming. The witchy woman is the nagging wife, the castrating female. She is mean.

 

BAD PRINCE: The creativity of the spontaneous Youth is replaced by either the heroic Martyr who is out to win--to be a hero himself or a savior for others, or by his counterpart the Jerk, who thinks everything is too hard to accomplish. He therefore complains, excuses himself, and eventually runs away. He is the good boy gone bad.

 

BAD PRINCESS: The capacity for beauty, when not embraced, is replaced by Cinderella, who, thinking she is ugly and undeserving, acts like a Maid, or by the Bitch who proudly thinks she has the right for everything without effort on her part. When not taken care of immediately, the Bitch complains mightily.

 

BAD KING: When the responsibility for directing is not accepted, this demon steps in inviting one to become excessively dictatorial, a tyrannical leader--the Tyrant, or a cautious manager who is actually too cowardly to act, the proverbial hen-pecked husband--the Coward.

 

BAD QUEEN: Healthy nurturing may likewise be supplanted in either of two versions of this demon. The good mother may become a Super-mom who hides her coldness behind an act of super-responsibility, or a Slave who, equally cold-hearted, escapes caring by taking-care-of everybody, all-the-time. She is the family doormat.

 

 

DEMON DESCRIPTIONS

 

In the descriptions which follow, each of the two demons associated with a positive capacity or role is presented as though it were independent. More clearly, each pair of opposing demons should be seen as opposite sides of one coin, or differing expressions for one face.

 

The Bad Youth demon, for example, appears as Doll or Brat; the Bad Prince, as Martyr of Jerk. Although these appearances are opposite to each other, they are more clearly understood as different stances of the one demon. In practice, one or the other forms does more commonly possess a person, seeming to be truly independent of its opposite stance. One possessed by a Bad Youth demon, for instance, will more often appear as either a Doll or a Brat.


Closer examination reveals, however, that when persons possessed by either of the opposing forms are pushed far enough, or when one form continuously fails to work, the individual is apt to switch to the opposite face of that demon. Dolls, for instance, under pressure, often turn into Brats. Brats may switch to Doll-like behavior when rebellion ceases to work.

 

Those more often possessed by the Martyr form of the Bad Prince demon can be expected to finally turn into Jerks when all else fails.

 

Even so, in ordinary circumstances one or the other of the opposing forms is more common. Our Doll-possessed example will more often act as Doll; the Martyr type of Bad Prince will tend to appear consistently in a particular person. Only under more extreme circumstances does any given demon tend to show its opposite face.

 

In practice, you may be on the look out for both forms of any demon; for understanding, they may be neatly presented as though truly separate--which I will now do.




YOUTH DEMONS

 

When one's Youth capacities are not embraced the Bad Youth demons predictably rush in to take charge. Recall that the primary Youth capacities include playfulness--spontaneous, creative, adventurous, idealism. Youth's have fun. Youths are centered, delightful selves. The Youth demons come to replace these healthy capacities with distortions of each. An unhealthy kind of gamesmanship replaces the spontaneity of Youth. The Youth demons also act playful, but not just for the fun of it. They always have a hidden agenda.

 

Commonly the playing of these two demons is designed to force someone else to be responsible. The Youth demons expect to be taken care of. They act as though one has inherent rights to irresponsibility, to be able to sow without reaping or to reap without sowing. They expect something for nothing, charity, to be loved for what-they-are, regardless of how they act.

 

These demons are complainers. When things don't go their way, when the world doesn't bend to fit their desires, when what they want takes labor, they complain. Things are supposed to be easy, they think. Nature is supposed to be fair. People are supposed to be nice. When thwarted in getting what they want when they want it, or in getting the world to take care of them, these Youth demons fuss. If confronted with their own irresponsibility, they always make excuses. Nothing is ever their fault. They are masters at rationalization, making it sound as though all their irresponsibility is the fault of someone else. They are never to blame themselves.

 

DOLL

 

Two major forms of the Youth demon are Doll and Brat. If one escapes from playfulness in the direction of Adulthood, he takes a goodie-goodie stance, like a Doll. This form of demon appears like a good child, trying to please everyone, to be nice, even angelic. He is unhealthily playing at acting good, as a way of impressing others into liking or taking care of him. He is the nice child who may hurt you if you turn your back. Readily he accepts responsibilities, only to forget or to be too busy to carry them out. He is too good to be freely exploring the world like normal children. He doesn't want to get his hands dirty, to take chances, or to do anything bad, that is, anything which is against rules or which might offend others. The Doll demon possesses the typical good little boy (or girl).

 

BRAT

 

The second major form of the Youth demon is in the opposite direction. He turns away from responsibility directly rather than indirectly like the Doll. He is a Brat. Instead of acting responsible, he acts irresponsible. Instead of acquiescing into behaving, he turns to misbehaving. The Doll gives in and acts good; the Brat rebels and acts bad. Whatever the rules are, he breaks them. Nobody is going to tell him what to do. He finds out where the lines are just so he can step across them. To the Brat, No is only an invitation to proceed. Yes you may takes all the fun out of it. His playfulness is a con game rather than legitimate playing. He is continually trying to force someone else to be responsible for him, to erase the laws of nature and the facts of life, as well as the rules of family and society.

 

The Brat acts as though consequences do not exist and he can do whatever he pleases. He is the eternal child, no matter how old the person whom he possesses. His motto might well be: My way or no way.

 




ADULT DEMONS

 

When the human capacity for Adulthood--responsibility and authority, is not embraced, a void is created. Into this void the Adult demon rushes. Two forms are common and predictable: the God or the Saint.


GOD

 

The name, God, is chosen for the first form of the demon because it is so descriptive, not because it is accurate. This demon, of course, is not literally a god. The title, False-god, which would be more literal, is shortened here for descriptive purposes. When responsible adulthood is negated, super-responsible false godhood is one of the forms of the demon which may enter. Using the imagery of parenthood for the Adult capacities, this replacement is the all too familiar Super-parent--the God-like person.

 

As previously described, the primary Adult capacities may be summarized under the general word, responsibility--as contrasted with the Youth function of play. Responsibility includes an awareness of time, cause and effect, planning, and work. It also requires a limited amount of objectivity. The God form of this demon enters when these real human capacities are negated and replaced by super-human or godly forms of each.

 

The contrast may be noted in three areas: time, knowledge, and power. Whereas the Adult human has a limited grasp of time, a certain amount of knowledge, and a given measure of power, the God demon appears to have unlimited amounts of all three. He acts like he is immortal, omniscient, and omnipotent--that is, has an infinite grasp of time, knows things for certain (specifically, what is good and bad), and can do whatever he will (if he tries hard enough or has sufficient faith).

 

The Adult capacities of responsibility and authority are pushed beyond what is human, to the ultimate, in the God demon. The person possessed by the God Demon assumes not only a super amount of responsibility, for example, for needy or lost people in the world, but also an exaggerated sense of personal authority in carrying out these grand responsibilities. Often they are found in organized religion, acting as though they are responsible for all the lost souls, and as though they truly have the authority of a real God in carrying out these ultimate responsibilities. Of course, for obvious practical reasons, they seldom admit their godliness: yet they do commonly see themselves as God's chosen ones, and may, if the person is religious, tell that they are directed by God--that God tells them what to do.

 

More commonly, such possessed persons appear as super-responsible parents, bosses, or politicians. Instead or merely authoritative, as Adult humans, they become authoritarian. The parental versions, for instance, feel totally responsible for everything their children do. It is as though such a parent is the cause of all their child's traits and behavior; everything the child is and does is a reflection on the parent. If they do well, the parent gets the credit; if they do poorly, such a parent is to blame. This parent, being godly, also has ultimate authority over the child. Such a parent thinks he or she deserves respect without effort, and has every right to answer any Why? question with Just because I said so. Notice the supreme authority evidenced in this answer.

 

God (the demon, that is) possessed politicians, like such preachers and parents, are out to save the social, if not the spiritual world. Like Hitler, in less extreme form, they believe themselves to have inherent rights to be above the law in carrying out their self-assumed responsibilities. Their authoritarian stances are notably evident to those effected by them.

 

In psychological language, such persons may be described as having huge egos, or even being ego-maniacs. If religious, they may be thought of as having excessively strong super-egos. In the first case they may appear to have no conscience, to be amoral, and freely able to do as they please. In the second, they seem to have exaggerated consciences with no latitude for personal freedom. In both, they function like little Hitlers--whether presidents, TV evangelists, or parents.

 

The God demon leads one to a sense of personal perpetuity, that is, to a belief in access to everlasting time. The person so possessed lives as though he has forever. He can take all the time in the world to do something, because he does believe he has it. He can freely use the ultimate time words--always and never, for example, to say, I will always love you, or, I would never do anything like that. Often he perceives himself to be immortal or to possess an immortal soul.

 

Adult humans have limited knowledge; they know some things, but not everything, and nothing for certain. They may know what they like and dislike or what they fear and love, but they do not have access to such ultimate knowledge as what is inherently right and wrong. Once the God demon is in possession, all this changes. Then the person may act as though he knows everything, or at least some things for sure. He may freely dispense his godlike knowledge of good and evil, or keep it all to himself. In either case, he lives as though he truly knows, for example, what the bad words are, what good music is, how people should behave, and what they ought not to do. He judges freely, since his assumed ultimate knowledge places him in position to do so.

 

The extraordinary powers assumed by these false Gods have already been referred to in describing their authoritarian stances and exaggerated senses of personal responsibility. Suffice it to add that this demon, presuming godhood, also assumes ultimate rights. Persons so possessed live as though they have the right to do whatever they please. The ordinary restraints of real people--laws, social or religious, do not apply to them. They live by their own rules, which, of course gods have the right to do.

 

SAINT

 

The opposite form of this Adult demon is, finally, exactly the same; yet in real life it appears as an opposite. Instead of Godly, it presents itself as totally subservient, like a virtuous Saint, proud of his humility. Instead of an authoritarian, one possessed by the Saint demon acts like he has no authority whatsoever. Whereas an Adult has limited authority, the God demon is an authoritarian and the Saint demon is without any authority--at least by his own declaration.

 

Actually the Saint also acts Godly, but always with a veneer of unworthiness. He presents himself as having no personal value, except for the fact that he is representing some ultimate authority. In religion, he says he is not God, but is God's man or woman. The Saint is God, one step removed. When he, for instance, judges as though he were God, he declares that he personally is very accepting, but is duty-bound to be true to God's judgments. Usually he projects his opinions onto some authoritative source, such as God, the Bible, the Koran, or a law or custom, which he is humbly (his conclusion) representing.

 

When the Saint makes his thinly veiled judgments, he commonly acts like he regrets doing so. This hurts me more than it does you, a Saint-possessed parent may declare while whipping a child. Like Hitler's henchmen, he hates to do his judgmental deeds, but after all, he has his orders.


The Saint often declares himself as a sinner, unworthy, guilty--yet forgiven. He obscures his self-righteousness, which is usually apparent to others, with the double tongued, forgiven-sinner stance. He says he is guilty, while acting as though innocent.

 

Always the Saint is striving for perfection, or so he says. Should and ought are primary words in the vocabulary of his mind. In trying to be perfect the Saint possessed person always attempts to do what he should or act like he ought to. The question behind his every action is, What should I do? What is the right thing to do? He is obsessed with ought.

 

Actually he is a perfectionist in mind only. Even his outward diligence, all the way from excessive cleanliness to self-flagellation, may be observed by others to be only skin-deep. That is, he presents the stance of perfectionism--desiring it, seeking it, trying with all his heart and energy to achieve it, yet always falling considerably short.

 

The Saint is continually trying to improve himself, to be good. If religious, he is diligent in churchly activities, whatever his particular brand may be. If secular, he is equally diligent in educational and psychological, if not spiritual, self-improvement. He may strive to improve his mind, his body, his appearance, his health, his relationships--whatever he happens to engage in. The bottom line is that he is always trying to be better, to come closer to perfection, however he conceives it.

 

If you state an admiration or try to give a compliment to Saint possessed persons, it can rarely be accepted because in their own image of perfection, they know how much they fall short. They are, in fact, their own worst critics. Nothing they do is ever good enough for the demon who possesses them.

 

Those around persons possessed by the Saint demon can expect to be included in their efforts to improve themselves. Often, in fact, acquaintances of a Saint become projects for salvation or self-improvement themselves. The Saint's diligence may get projected onto others, often to the exclusion of his own salvation or weight loss. Perfectionism seems to be easier to carry out on others than on oneself. The proverbial Saintly wife can be expected to constantly nag her husband into trying to do and be better--all the way from more mannerly to more religious, from better in church to better in bed. The deep dissatisfaction with themselves is predictably extended to those around them.

 

Saintly parents are forever trying to get their children to be good, then better, and finally best. Nothing their children do is ever sufficiently satisfying to such possessed parents. A grade of F is, of course, totally unacceptable, for any reason. A grade of D calls for a C; a C for a B, a B for an A, and finally an A should be an A plus, if the child would only try harder. Saints are like Avis, Number Two (or lower), and consequently required to try harder. Always. Including increasing the Saintliness of those around them.

 

 

MALE DEMONS

 

When Male capacities for firmness and overt power are not embraced, the void becomes a standing invitation for the Male demon. The demon rushes in--in one of two major forms, to fill the void in any person who refuses to activate his or her masculine capacities. Real firmness is replaced by unreal hardness or equally unreal softness. The too hard Male demon is a Son of a Bitch (shortened to SOB), and the too soft Male demon, a Wimp. The SOB and Wimp are the forms in which we most often encounter the Male demon.

 

SOB

 

A good Male is firm, like wood, but a Male demon in the form of SOB is hard like concrete. The good Male exerts himself within the real limits of his actual power. But when he is replaced by the SOB, limited firmness is replaced by unlimited hardness. This SOB is totally rigid.

 

If Maleness is viewed from the perspectives of potency, knowledge, and timeliness, we find each of these in unrealistic, exaggerated form in the SOB. He is a Male version of the God demon. First of all, limited potency--strength, can-do-ness--the overt power of masculinity, is replaced by omnipotence in the SOB. A Male can do some things, but an SOB acts as if he can do anything. He is the typical macho male, cock-of-the-walk, John Wayne type. He acts like he is God's gift to women, if he happens to be gendered male. He thinks he is a stud.


If female, she acts like God's gift to men. Colloquialisms may be best for understanding this devilish stance. The SOB thinks he's somebody. Of such a possessed person one might say, He thinks he's really something, or, Who does he think he is? A person who embraces masculinity is, in this use of colloquial language, somebody, while the SOB acts like he thinks he is somebody. He appears to be stuck-up or to think he is better than other people.

 

A second earmark of the SOB is that he not only acts like he can do whatever he pleases, but also like he knows everything. The good Male is knowledgeable; that is, he confidently knows some things. Humanly, he has limited knowledge. But the SOB has moved from some knowledge to all knowledge. He is not merely smart; he is a smart-alec. He is cocky of mind as well as stance. He has all the answers. Of course this is all a charade. The person possessed with this demon does not truly know everything; he merely acts like it. He will give you the answer, even if he doesn't have it.

 

A third description of good Maleness from the perspective of time is presence. The good Male is dependable, that is, his strength and potency is brought to each moment of time in a dependable manner. You can count on him. He is present with you in the immediate moment, and, as his strength allows, can be counted on to remain dependable. But the mortal dependability of Male is replaced in the SOB by an illusion of immortality. He acts immortal, that is, like he is untimed or has a godlike grasp of time.


For instance, he thinks his potency will last forever, that he always can. He can, without even getting the joke, make forever promises, such as, I will love you forever. On the other hand, he can make equally everlasting negative commitments: I will never do such and such, he may say. He often tries to immortalize himself by living through his children or wonderful works.


With these illusions, one possessed by the SOB demon becomes a gross exaggeration of masculinity, difficult to be around, impossible to live with.

 


WIMP

 

Irene, at her front door: Well, goodnight Ralph. It was nice meeting someone so sensitive, aware, and vulnerable. Too bad you're such a wimp.

Bruce Feirstein

 

But Maleness escaped in the opposite direction can be just as devilish. When the firmness of real masculinity is replaced by the unreal limpness of the Wimp, the challenges can be equally great. When this Male demon possesses a person, instead of turning rigid like concrete--the SOB, he may turn soft like putty, and become a Wimp.

 

Males exert; the SOB over-exerts and dominates; the Wimp under-exerts. He holds back. Maleness is potent; one embracing this human capacity can do many things. The SOB is omnipotent; he thinks he can do anything. The Wimp is impotent; he doesn't think he can do anything.

 

In similar manner the smart-aleciness of the SOB becomes obsequious ignorance in the Wimp. Even though a person possessed by the Wimp demon is not dumb, he functions as though he is. He does dumb things. Maleness knows things; the SOB acts like he knows everything; the Wimp version of this demon appears to know nothing.

 

From the perspective of time the Wimp is again the opposite of the SOB. He presumes immortality in the reverse direction. While the SOB is acting like he always can, the Wimp is pretending that he never can. The good Male is present in the here and now. He is in time, timely. The SOB is immortal, as though he were over all time. The Wimp is weighted down by time; he is essentially absent in the moment. When you are with a Wimp and have the feeling of not being with somebody, you are correct. The Wimp is pretending he is nobody.

 


FEMALE DEMONS

 

When the soft and yielding femininity of a person is denied, the void is inevitably filled by a Female demon. It comes in two opposite but complementary forms: Witch and Patsy.

 

WITCH

 

In the Witch, flexible femininity is replaced by extreme, unbending power. The willowy woman, soft like flesh, becomes a consuming Witch, unbending like ice. The good Female, like a yielding vagina, is saying in many ways, I will accept you. But when she is replaced by the Witch form of the Female demon, her primary message becomes, I will get you. Female sweetness becomes the Witch's meanness.

 

Nietzsche wrote, Let man fear woman when she hateth: for man in his innermost soul is merely evil; woman, however, is mean. His reference, I translate, is to the Witch demon.

 

Covert power, which in good Female goes for establishing and maintaining harmony, relationships, and community, is perverted in the Witch. Covertly she moves in opposite directions: disrupting harmony, upsetting relationships, and destroying community. The name Witch is chosen for this demon because the figure from fairy tales so clearly portrays her stance. In the story, Hansel and Gretel she is described thusly:


The old woman had only pretended to be so kind; she was in reality a wicked witch, who lay in wait for children, and had only built the little house of bread in order to entice them there. When a child fell into her power, she killed it, cooked and ate it, and that was a feast day with her. Witches have red eyes, and cannot see far, but they have a keen scent like the beasts, and are aware when human beings draw near.

Grimm's Fairy Tales

 

The Witch demon commonly appears to be kind. She lives in various types of houses which seem to be built of bread and covered with cakes. Oh, you dear children, she says to human beings of all ages, Do come in, and stay with me. No harm shall happen to you. In the fairy tale, she took them both by the hand, and led them into her little house. Then good food was set before them, milk and pancakes, with sugar, apples, and nuts. Afterwards two pretty little beds were covered with clean white linen, and Hansel and Gretel lay down in them, and thought they were in heaven.

 

So much for thinking. What seemed like heaven turned out to be hell. Actually she was fattening them to be cooked and eaten. This is the nature of the Witch demon. Though she presents herself at first as kind and helpful, look out! Her goal is always to get you. The benevolent approach is simply a cover for covert power being used to tempt one into her oven. Initially nice, eventually mean, the Witch will eat you, dead or alive. Beneath the yielding Female cloak of one so possessed, lies the consuming Witch. In countless covert ways she is continually about her hidden agenda of disrupting harmony, sowing seeds of discord in relationships, and destroying community. All this while presenting herself as kindly and helpful.

 

Because her power is primarily covert rather than overt, she succeeds through gradually wearing you down, carefully picking away at weak spots, seeking flaws and majoring on them. Whereas her Male counterpart, the SOB, overtly attacks, saying in effect, I'll beat you up, the Witch, covertly waits, saying in effect, I'll wear you down. She smiles sweetly at his verbal braggadocio, non-verbally replying, We'll see about that. Have it your way, she says outwardly, but her inward message is, Just you wait and see who wins in the long run. She pretends to give-in in minor skirmishes, knowing that she will win the major war. To the SOB she might say, if she were verbal, Anything you can do overtly, I can outdo covertly. In contrast to SOBs, Witches can act immensely patient while waiting to consume their victims.

 

From the good Female's stance of softness, one says in many ways, I'm open to consider it. I'm flexible; I'm thinking and feeling. I'm present and available. I can say yes or no. But one possessed by the Witch demon, from her often pretty but frozen position cannot truthfully voice herself thusly. Instead, she (or he), being closed to any considerations, picks away at the positions of the other person. You're weak, she says, probing the vulnerability of the other. You're wrong, she says, pointing out errors in thinking. Or, more cleverly, she confuses the rational picture with assorted logical ruses such as, Well, yes, but... Appearing to agree, she artfully undermines the line of thought. If her clever attacks on one's physical and mental powers fail, she always has her infinite patience as an ace in the hole. You can't last, she finally says. And time is in her corner. The Witch, of course, in contrast with her outward niceness, hates men--that is, masculinity. What the good Female loves, the Witch demon detests. Beware of Witches; they will eat you alive.

 

PATSY

 

The opposite face of the Bad Female demon is Patsy, Female counterpart of Wimp. Here the yielding Female is replaced by the submitting demon who but wears the cloak of femininity. Though she appears soft like a Female instead of cold like a Witch, actually she is spineless like water. Instead of flexible, she is a wet noodle. She is literally giving in, not yielding. Whereas the Female is saying, I'll love you, and the Witch is saying, I'll get you, the Pasty's message is, I'll submit to you.

 

The Female's prevailing message, I'm open to consider it, countered by the Witch's, Anything you can do I can outdo, is opposed by the Patsy's stance of, I'll do whatever you say. The Female in a person can say yes or no. The Witch is a demon who can't say yes, while the Pasty is a demon who can't say no. A person with this latter type of demon appears to be cooperative and agreeable because he or she does go along with whatever is happening. If such possessed persons are asked, Where would you like to go?, they answer, Wherever you want to. To, What do you want to do?, they reply, Whatever you do. Ask them, Where do you want to sit?, and they answer, Anywhere is alright with me. On a committee, Patsys always vote with the majority.

 

The installation of parking meters was a major issue in a certain small town. A candidate for Mayor was being interviewed when the question arose: Sir, what do you think about installing parking meters? He replied: Well, some of my friends are for them and some of my friends are against them. And I'm for my friends.


That candidate was certainly a smart politician; he may also have been a person possessed by the Patsy demon. Even though a Patsy-possessed person seems cooperative, this is an illusion. Actually he or she is incapable of cooperation; this requires the yieldingness of real Female capacity. Patsys are cleverly seeking to manipulate, as are those possessed by the Witch demon. They simply choose an opposite way of doing it.

 

Instead of attempting to undercut as does the Witch, the Pasty seeks to control through setting up her victim. While the Witch is critical, to cut one down--as in saying, You're weak, the Patsy is complimentary, to set one up. She says, You're strong. While the Witch attacks with, You are wrong, the Patsy supports (or appears to) with, You are right. The Witch's attempts to confuse the issue with Yes, buts and various other distractions are paralleled by the Patsy's attempts to smooth over issues with, Of course you're correct, and other devices intended to cloak the truth.


When time becomes the subject, the Witch's conclusive, You can't last, is countered by the Patsy's, You will last forever. The Witch says, You never can; the Patsy says, You always will. One gives the ultimate criticism; the other, the grandest compliment. Or so it seems. Actually, each is but an opposite way of attempting to wield covert power in the absence of real femininity. If the consuming Witch hates men, the adoring Pasty worships them. Only a Female--a person with embraced femininity, can relate to a Male--someone with embraced masculinity, person to person. Female demons of either variety are out to con you.




PRINCE DEMONS

 

When the Princely role for creative exploration is not learned, then the Prince demon replaces it. Other names for the Bad Prince demon include Peter Pan, Puer, Narcissus, Eros, Hero, Messiah, Knight, Playboy, Mama's Boy, Favorite Son, Spoiled Child, Savior, Martyr, Dwarf, or Frog.


The Prince demon which perverts both the healthy Male and Youth capacities, is noted first by an inability to be either firm like a good Male or playful like a good Youth. Playful exploration, the fun search for the fullest scope of personal capacities, has gone awry in the Bad Prince. When this demon possesses one, the person misses both the pleasure of Youth and the strength of Male. One of two major distortions of the Good Prince are likely. Actual overt powers--an attribute of Maleness, may be replaced by a stance of overly exaggerated powers, a form of omnipotence, or by denied power, a form of impotence. Martyr and Jerk are names for these two types of Bad Prince. When inhumanly omnipotent, Prince becomes a Hero/Martyr; the impotent Prince becomes a Jerk.

 

HERO/MARTYR

 

As previously described, the Good Prince is an explorer. He searches for the fullest scope of physical and mental powers. He stretches himself to discover what he can do and think, feel and be. Refusing to accept the restrictions of others, he is constantly seeking his own real limits. In the Bad Prince this real search is abandoned and replaced, in the case of the Hero/Martyr, by an unrealistic assumption of god-like powers.

 

The Hero/Martyr assumes he can do anything. When one is possessed by this demon he believes himself to be someone special, not just an ordinary person, but one who has been given extraordinary abilities or powers. The name, shortened from here on to Martyr, is used because this is the predictable final outcome of this demon's possession. The person so possessed, however, is more likely to appear as a Hero or Savior. Seldom will he see himself as an actual Martyr. When martyrdom begins to appear in real ways, the Martyr-possessed person is usually surprised. He is more apt to view himself as special, as extremely endowed with either abilities or responsibilities.

 

Assuming exaggerated abilities, the Martyr appears as especially brave or courageous, a type of hero. He thinks he can do more than an ordinary person. Typically, in this illusion, he is a dare-devil, a fool-hearty person. Living as though he is charmed, he attempts the impossible, constantly pushing the graces of fate. The line between reality and fantasy has been crossed by the Hero. Evel Knieval's attempt to jump the Grand Canyon may have been an example.

 

In less obvious forms this heroic demon leads one to go beyond the actual limits of body and mind, for example, to try to go without sleep or to know ultimate answers. Competition, both physical and mental, is a popular arena for this demon to exhibit himself. Striving to be Number One, not simply the best that one is, but the best that there is, is common evidence of the presence of this demon. The Good Prince realistically strives to be all that he can be. When he engages in games, the Good Prince is only exploring his own capacities and their limits. He is never omnipotently caught in the competition of trying to win over another person. He plays to be himself, not simply to beat someone else.

 

The Bad Prince, however, caught in illusions of omnipotence or omniscience, strives to be The Best, not simply his best. His sense of specialness, whether conscious or not, appears whenever he is challenged. In the physical realm, he is fiercely competitive, constantly trying to prove his illusionary omnipotence--that he can do anything he chooses to.


In the mental realm, he is continually grasping at omniscience, ultimate answers--acting like he can know things for sure, like the right answers can be, or are, his. The healthy imagination of the Good Prince, the human capacity for fantasy about what might be, phases into impossible dreams and schemes. His imagination gets the best of him. The healthy dreamer unhealthily escapes into the world of his dreams. Reaching for ideals, a normal activity of the Good Prince, is replaced by exaggerated idealism. Realistic planning phases into unrealistic schemes, grandiose ideas. Magical thinking is typical of the Bad Prince.


Sometimes this demon leads one to assume not only extraordinary abilities but also exaggerated responsibilities. When this happens the person moves from personal heroics to heroic efforts for others. He assumes unreasonable abilities to help, serve, or even save others. Instead of merely trying to prove himself, like the Hero, he may attempt to go beyond himself and engage in unrealistic quests to save others. The knight, a valid form of the Good Prince, is replaced by the savior. Healthy dragon-fighting and maiden-rescuing phases into championing unrealistic causes and engaging in messianic efforts to save the world or some selected part of it.

 

Don Quixote was a literary example. Ollie North is a recent modern day illustration of this type of possessed person out to save a person, nation, or world. From their assumed positions of idealism, the world is viewed as bad, not good enough for them or for others, and in need of improvement which they, of course, feel qualified to make. They will make the world a better place. The Martyr is typically other-worldly in his thinking, and is, in some measure, out to change the world. As a song voices his position, This world is not my home, I'm just a'passing through. The Good Prince, thoroughly in this world, is replaced by a demon who is too good for this soiled and fallen place. Somehow, he must make it better. Such Hero/Martyrs are typically above the law. They perceive themselves to be beyond the ordinary social restraints which others must accept.


At first, Martyrs, being good boys (or girls), are likely to keep all the rules, the letter of the law. They may act compulsively legal, better than others, in obeying all authorities. But then their goodness phases into self-righteousness, which in turn leads them to think they are beyond the law. They may, secretly at first, begin to break the rules previously kept compulsively, living as thought laws are for others, not themselves. Their rule-breaking is usually rationalized as being for the good of themselves or others.

 

Perceiving their causes, if not themselves, as virtuous, Martyrs who express their assumed omnipotence as responsibility for others, become loners. They isolate themselves in their increasingly fanatical roles. In CAMELOT, previously quoted, Pellinore observes how Lancelot is trapped in the isolation of his virtuous role. But he never gets off it!, he says. Why can't he come home in the evening, hang up his spear and frolic about a bit the way other chaps do?

 

Lancelot confesses to him:


All fanatics are bores, Pellinore, and I'm a fanatic. Even when I was a child I irritated the other children. I wanted to play their games, but I knew I could not. Even then I was filled with a sense of divine purpose. I'm not saying I enjoy it. All my life I've locked the world out. And, you know, when you lock the world out, you're locked in.


This sense of divine purpose or mission in life is typical of Bad Princes possessed by the Martyr demon. Even if they are not religious, as they commonly are, their personal causes are taken with a religious type of fervor. Believing themselves to be special or chosen, they become righteous about their endeavors, whatever they are, and, like Lancelot, tend to be isolated from their peers, having neither companionship nor fun. Their intimacy is only with their imagined virtues, such as their honor, reputation, or word--which becomes their only bond to the real world.

 

A deep sense of personal flaw or woundedness is a common attribute of Martyrs. Though they outwardly present themselves as righteous or better than others, they tend to feel, on some deep level, that something is wrong with them, that they are bad, or not as good as others. Commonly they feel misunderstood, tending to invite both sympathy and rejection. Unwittingly they head for their fate of actual martyrdom, social if not physical. Consciously aimed at some type of amazing success, they unconsciously undercut their own endeavors.


They invite rejection, set themselves up to be victims--either of circumstances or other persons. They build flaws into their systems, pull their punches, self-righteously refuse to fight back when attacked. Unseeingly, they move toward some form of the cross. Thinking themselves to be innocent, they wonder, Why is everybody always picking on me? Degrees of paranoia are common for them.

 

Initially they may wonder why others don't understand them, why they are not appreciated for their good intentions, if not their good works. Even if they reach some near pinnacle of success, they refuse to win. They can't make the kill. They may get close, but something always goes wrong. Then, since their suicidal path is unrecognized, they feel let down, taken advantage of, victimized by others. Some form of Jesus' cry from the cross, My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?, becomes their own. My friend (parent, spouse, or world); why have you let me down?

 

Death seems to be the ultimate fascination of those possessed by the Martyr demon. Even while denying it, they are drawn toward some form of self dissolution. The move from hero to victim is the common short step of this form of the Bad Prince.

 

JERK

 

The opposite form of the Bad Prince demon is Jerk. The omnipotence and omniscience--I can do anything and I know everything--which is obvious in the Martyr, is hidden in the Jerk. He presents himself as impotent but arrogant, as one who can't do anything but acts as though he can. He is the anti-hero.

 

Instead of bravely attempting to do the impossible, he carefully avoids trying to do anything. The confident, I know I can do it, of the hero, is countered by an, I know I would never succeed, so why try, of the Jerk. One evades reality by trying too much, the other by trying too little. The Hero gambles unreasonably; the Jerk either refuses to take a chance or risks all without thought. Often he is a gambler, confidently ignoring the odds, expecting to get rich quick with an unlikely scheme, or to win the grand jackpot with one raffle ticket.

 

The exaggerated responsibility of the Martyr is countered in the Jerk by an unrealistic sense of irresponsibility. Whereas the Martyr tries to take care of everyone, to help and save others, the Jerk is equally diligent in trying to get others to help and save him. Won't you please help me? could be his motto. Innocently he presents himself in a manner which invites being taken care of.

 

If the Martyr is trying to be magical, the Jerk is trying to get magic. Sharing a deep sense of specialness, he lives as though he has the right to be supported by others, not the responsibility of taking care of them. Charity, he thinks, is his due. Shamelessly he accepts the welfare of others as though it were his inherent right. The Martyr's determination to avoid welfare or taking the help of others, is countered by the Jerk's insistence on the same. He lives as though it were his birthright to be tended to. Gratitude is unknown to the Jerk. Instead he becomes belligerent when others do not automatically take care of him. Typically he is the spoiled little boy, of any age.

 

When immediate gratification is not forthcoming, the Jerk sulks. Self-righteously he holds himself apart as though it were a punishment to others to deny them his good graces or presence. He may remain physically present, but emotionally he withdraws. If others refuse to bow to his power play, he gets angry. Instead of getting paranoid like the Martyr, he gets even more self-righteous and irresponsible. Rather than, What's wrong with me?, he wonders, What's wrong with you?, that you are not graciously giving in to his wishes.

 

The Jerk is a blamer. His complaints, typical of the Bad Youth demon, take the form of blaming others for all his failures. Nothing is ever his fault. Poor Little Me is the name of his favorite game. When things are not magically perfect for him, he always feels sorry for himself, as though he had the inalienable right to perpetual happiness. He can't understand how his illconceived plans could possibly fail, or why everyone is not delighted to take care of him. After all, he deserves it; or so he thinks.

 

When imperfection or any unhappiness begins to enter the scene, the Jerk's first reaction is to withdraw into himself. Perceiving himself to be pure or right and others to be bad or wrong, the Jerk first blames and sulks. When this fails to magically change the situation, his next predictable move is a physical exit.

 

When his ploys of sulking, blaming, and getting angry don't work, the Jerk is always ready to pick up his marbles and go. Running away from difficulty or problems is his standard solution. When the going gets tough, the Jerk gets going-- running away, that is. The Martyr's refusal to quit, to unreasonably continue at obviously unsuccessful endeavors, is countered by the Jerk's immediate inclination to give up, even at reasonable tasks. Any sign of difficulty is taken as excuse to stop. The Jerk has no self discipline. When one continues in the possession of this demon, his life will be littered with unfinished projects, unreached goals, and broken relationships. The familiar pattern of the addict is typical of this demon's control.

 

Whereas the Martyr demon leads one to take life too seriously, missing all fun, this demon leads one to take life too frivolously, as though fun were all there is.

 

 

PRINCESS DEMONS

 

When the Princess's skills for playfully charming are not learned, then the Princess demon rushes in to fill the void. This demon, with the specific forms of Maid and Bitch, is noted by a loss of both the Female capacity for positive covert power, and the Youth's playful spontaneity. Instead, negative forces are operative in the individual. Other names for the Bad Princess demon include, from fairy tales: Cinderella, Goose Girl, and Ugly Duckling. She is also known by such names as Southern Belle, Daddy's Girl, Spoiled Girl, and Female Brat.


The two most general forms for the Bad Princess are in the upward direction toward responsibility--the Doll form of the Youth demon--the Maid; and in the downward direction negating all sense of responsibility--the Brat, which, when gender is added, becomes the Bitch.


MAID

 

Bad Princess, representing the escape toward a false act of Adulthood, may be likened to a maid in a household. She is Cinderella of fairy tales. In the Grimm's Brothers' story, a daughter is called to the bedside of her dying mother and told: Dear child, be good and pious, and then the good God will always protect you, and I will look down on you from heaven and be near you. Thereupon her mother closed her eyes and departed. Every day the maiden went out to her mother's grave and wept, and she remained pious and good. But soon her father remarried and the woman brought with her into the house two daughters, who were beautiful and fair of face, but vile and black of heart. Now began a bad time for the poor step-child.

 

Though she was actually a rightful daughter, a Princess, she assumed the role of a poor step-child, serving the real step-sisters as though they were Princesses.


They took her pretty clothes away from her, put an old grey bedgown on her, and gave her wooden shoes. "Just look at the proud princess, how decked out she is!" they cried, and laughed, and led her into the kitchen. There she had to do hard work from morning till night, get up before daybreak, carry water, light fires, cook and wash. In the evening when she had worked till she was weary she had no bed to go to, but had to sleep by the hearth in the cinders. And as on that account she always looked dusty and dirty, they called her Cinderella.

Grimm's Fairy Tales

 

This story portrays the major characteristics of the Maid demon. The true daughter of the father, really a princess, assumes the stance of a step-child, one who doesn't, by right of birth, belong. She becomes a servant to others. The Princess is possessed by a demon which in the story is called Cinderella. She is the Maid.

 

Such a possessed person often dresses poorly, as did Cinderella, and is ashamed of the way she looks, indeed of herself. She lives like a step-child wherever she goes, that is, as though she doesn't fit in or belong to groups she is actually a member of. She assumes the role of serving others, doing what she thinks will please them from morning till night. Even if she is physically attractive, she does not think so. It is impossible to compliment the Maid because she knows there is nothing good about her. In her intense efforts to please others, she is often the girl who can't say no. Her game is: What'll it take to please you. Her answer is: Whatever you say.

 

The Maid (one possessed by this demon) thinks she is ugly and unworthy. No matter how much she does, it is never enough in her own mind. She is self-negating and therefore expects others to reject or abuse her also. She lives as though she has no rights and feels guilty about any pleasure or self indulgence.

 

The plight of Cinderellas in real life, as in the story, is sympathy provoking. One is always inclined to feel sorry for such Maids because they try so hard to be good and pious, to please their mothers, living or dead.

 

In spite of appearances to the contrary, there is always a hidden agenda to the Maid's stance of servant-to-all. She appears to be super-responsible, but actually she is still working to please her mother, or to be so good that a Prince will somehow recognize her inherent worth and magically take her to the ball. She is not being responsible (Adult) because she is, but is acting so with the hidden hope that it will pay off in time. Often her secret agenda is hidden even to herself, only appearing in her continual disappointment when she goes unrecognized or appreciated.

 

Although outwardly capable and often beautiful as well, she is likely to feel incapable, unworthy, and that she can't do anything right. I'm always wrong no matter what I do is one of her theme songs. The lovely maiden becomes the Maid, slaving away at mundane tasks, self-effacing and mad at the world, waiting for some Prince to come rescue her, place the golden slipper on her foot and take her to the ball in his royal coach. All this, of course, while she busies herself, unprettily, with cleaning the hearth. Even if a rescuer appears, she is likely to resist going to the ball. After all, what will I wear? Or, what if I don't know the dance? Or, I don't deserve this.

 

Buffy H. Marie's song, BROKE-DOWN GIRL, is about such a modern day Maid:

 

Broke-down girl, raggedy heart,

She's seen the sweet and the sad.

Fire is love, liar is love,

Mommy's little girl gone bad.

 

Broke-down baby, Hansel-less Gretel,

Heart full of calico stone.

Pinocchio Rose is princesses' clothes,

lonely but never alone.

 

The silver hearts of heros,

How heavy they are,

How they were weighing her down.

 

Oh, Prince Charming, you never came.

Her castles fell around her,

The mortal men they found her,

Found her as you see her here.

 

A broke-down baby, sad Cinderella,

A disarrayed delusion at dawn.

A solus, solace for a sailor ashore,

A broke-down girl, that's all.

 


BITCH

 

The Bad Princess may go the way of the Brat rather than the Doll. She may turn in the opposite direction from Maid, and try to escape all responsibility rather than taking it all on. In the Cinderella fairy tale she becomes like the true step-sisters who act as though they own the place, the ones who are fair of face, but vile and black of heart. They demand to be taken care of, rather than taking care of, as Cinderella does. In all ways they are her opposite. Instead of super-responsible they become super-irresponsible. The shame of the Maid is matched by the vanity of the Bitch. Rather than self-effacing she is self-centered, egotistical, and narcissistic. Instead of expecting to be abused, the Bitch expects to be adored.


If Cinderella has no rights, the Bitch has all rights. She expects others to respect them too. She acts as though she has the right to be taken care of, to be loved for who she is, and to be accepted without qualifications. Whereas Cinderella tries hard to please, the Bitch expects to be pleased. She takes things and people for granted, as though being honored were her inherent right. Though she may actually be a step-daughter, like the sisters in the fairy tale, she acts like she is a true Princess by birth. She deserves, she thinks, the best.

 

In the Cinderella story quoted, it happened that the father was once going to the fair, and he asked his two step-daughters what he should bring back for them. 'Beautiful dresses,' said one; 'pearls and jewels,' said the second. The Bitches--the step-daughters, ask, without hesitation, for the best. On the other hand, when the father asks his own daughter: And you, Cinderella, what will you have? She replies, Father, break off for me the first branch which knocks against your hat on the way home. In other words, Don't spend any money on little undeserving me; just bring me a stick. That's all I deserve.

 

As long as the Bitch is being treated like a Queen, she appears to be happy. But when crossed, or when she in any way fails to get what she wants, then her true colors emerge. This is where her name comes from; she begins complaining immediately. Bitching is her most descriptive characteristic. This version of the Bad Princess is a constant complainer about everything which is not perfectly as she desires. And since few real things are perfect, her complaints are common.

 

In another fairy tale, THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA, a Queen devises a test for a bedraggled girl to see if she is a real princess. She placed a pea on the bottom of the bed; then she took twenty mattresses and laid them on top of the pea, and then again twenty of the softest featherbeds on top of the mattresses where the girl was to sleep for the night.

 

In the morning they asked how she had slept. "Oh, dreadfully bad! I hardly had a wink of sleep all night! Goodness knows what there was in the bed! I was lying on something so hard that I'm simply black and blue all over. It's perfectly dreadful!"

 

So then of course they could see she really was a princess, because...nobody lest a real princess could have such a tender skin as that.

Hans Christian Andersen

 

She is a good example of a real Princess, a truly sensitive Youth, who has been possessed by the Bitch demon. Taken into the castle out of the cold and given twenty featherbeds atop twenty mattresses to sleep on--how indulgent can we get!--still she complains about a single pea under all that comfort. Bitches are like that. Nothing is ever good enough for them. Taken camping, in a modern day version, and given the best of sleeping bags, such a Bitch will be complaining that there is no hot shower in the morning, even if the night is wonderful.

 

In a newer tale entitled THE LITTLE PRINCE, by Antoine De Saint-Exupery, the Princess turned Bitch is represented by a flower which the little prince has begun to tend to:

 

So, too, she began very quickly to torment him with her vanity--which was, if the truth be known, a little difficult to deal with. One day, for instance, when she was speaking of her four thorns, she said to the little prince:

 "Let the tigers come with their claws!"

 "There are no tigers on my planet," the little prince objected. "And, anyway, tigers do not eat weeds."

 "I am not a weed," the flower replied, sweetly.

 "Please excuse me . . ."

 "I am not at all afraid of tigers," she went on, "but I have a horror of drafts. I suppose you wouldn't have a screen for me?"

 "A horror of drafts--that is bad luck, for a plant," remarked the little prince, and added to himself, "This flower is a very complex creature . . ."

 "At night I want you to put me under a glass globe. It is very cold where you live. In the place I came from--"

 But she interrupted herself at that point. She had come in the form of a seed. She could not have known anything of any other worlds. Embarrassed over having let herself be caught on the verge of such a naive untruth, she coughed two or three times, in order to put the little prince in the wrong.

 "The screen?"

 "I was just going to look for it when you spoke to me . . ."

 Then she forced her cough a little more so that he should suffer from remorse just the same.

 

In this story we can follow the progression of the vanity of the Bitch. At first she is merely petulant, complaining about non-existent tiger's claws. When this fails to work, she becomes irritable and sarcastic. I am not a weed. Then she begins to lie, to make up things to support her complaints--In the place I came from. Finally she turns peevish, pouts, and becomes passively aggressive. The Bitch commonly begins with a minor complaint--a pea under the mattress; she is picky-picky about things. Then she tends to escalate complaining, getting sharp tongued and sarcastic. Finally she turns into the full fledged Bitch. Nothing is good enough for her.



KING DEMONS

 

King is the role for good Adult and Male capacities combined in action. When the King role is not learned, the Bad King demon comes to fill the void. The directiveness of the good King is replaced by one of two common unrealistic distortions. The Bad King may be either a Tyrant or a Coward.

 

TYRANT

 

The Male version of the God demon is a Tyrant. The good King leader is supplanted by a Bad King dictator. Masculine direction becomes absolute dictation. The overt power of Maleness exaggerated into the super-power of the SOB, combined with the authority of Adulthood exaggerated into the ultimate authoritativeness of the God, results in this awesome demon called Tyrant. Hitler was a good example. The Tyrant is a combination of SOB and God demons. In Jungian psychology negative animus may be the name given to this powerful force.


Typical messages of this demon are in the areas of power, knowledge, and time--the three major attributes of godhood. He says to one: You must be without weakness and you must be in total control. Reflective of his stance of ultimate power and authority, he demands the same of persons he possesses. Any sign of overt powerlessness, any evidence of being out of control, is immediately sensed and condemned. This demon can tolerate no challenge to his dictatorial stance. He must be recognized as totally capable and completely in charge, or else.


When he possesses a person the individual presents himself as totally independent, an authority unto himself, without need of any one else. He acts like he can do anything and manage every situation. He is the ultimate in cool. The Tyrant appears to be an omnipotent dictator. When anyone questions either his power or authority, he reacts with anger and retaliation. His How dare you challenge me? attitude is apparent to anyone around such a possessed person.

 

Because he also perceives himself as omniscient, that is, knowing everything, having all the right answers, and without error or ignorance, he can tolerate no challenge to what he thinks. It is as though all his opinions or beliefs are the certain and absolute truth. You must either agree with everything he says or expect to be challenged and defeated. There can be no answer except his own. Certainly, he is right. When he speaks, it is ex cathedra, a voice from on high. One's options with such a Tyrant demon are to either go along or face the wrath of his God side.

 

When ultimate power and knowledge are mixed, as is the case with this demon, the possessed person demands acceptance not only of his ideas, but also his paths. He must have his way. Otherwise, as is sometimes said, There is the devil to pay--the Tyrant demon, that is. One must tip toe around such a person, careful not to challenge his illusions of power and knowledge. Since he is, in effect, a Little Hitler, all hell may break loose whenever he fails to get what he wants.

 

Since the Male version of power is overt rather than covert, the issue with this demon is outward challenge. He is not so much bothered by quiet resistance as by a gauntlet thrown in an obvious way. Covert power, as in passive aggression, may go unchallenged with this demon. One may, for example, withstand him unobtrusively, but never obviously. When it comes to words, you may silently disagree with a Tyrant, keeping your opinions intact; but open confrontation of this demon's ideas, no matter how bazaar or erroneous they may be, will illicit his reactions. You can never relax around a Tyrant, lest you slip and step on the toes of his tenuous power or opinions.

 

Furthermore, this little God acts as though he were impervious to time. He, being in effect immortal, thinks of himself as forever. He is, for example, always right. He can never change. He must always prevail. He can never compromise without serious threat to his demonic integrity. When a person is confronting this demon within himself, he will be threatened by any apparent inconsistency--that is, any change in time--for instance, in appearance or ideas. It is important to this demon to appear immortal, unchanging in time.

 

In summary, the Tyrant demon places absolute demands on the person he possesses. He insists that the individual he controls be without weakness in all regards. There must be no chink in his armor, no doubt in his mind, no error in his thinking, nothing wrong with his behavior. Personal imperfection in any regard is treated as life-threatening. If you question such possessed persons, they immediately think you are saying I am wrong. If you note anything other than admiration for the way they do things, they think you are criticizing me.


This demon's demand for being without flaw, is commonly projected, by one so possessed, onto those around him. The Tyrannical father, for example, can be unmerciful on any sign of failure in his children. He can punish without qualm. A spouse possessed by the Tyrant can be a cruel husband or wife, constantly critical and never understanding of any flaw in their mate. Their demon's demand for personal perfection is projected onto the spouse as well. All in all, the Tyrant demon is one of the more difficult demons to be possessed by or to live with when he possesses another. He is a cruel taskmaster.

 

COWARD

 

Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings. Proverbs 31:3

 

When Kingliness is evaded in the opposite direction, the Coward demon appears. The good King, symbolized by the lion, king of the beasts, is replaced by a cowardly lion. Direction is the King's to give, but the Coward is afraid to give it. If married, he is the proverbial hen-pecked husband. The person is in a place of responsibility; authority is his, but Kingliness is not.

 

As previously noted the major elements in Kingly direction are: thinking, deciding, and standing with a decision. The good King collects his data, reasons through the information available, comes to a conclusion about what to do, and takes a stand based on his decision. When this human capacity is evaded, the Coward demon may emerge at any step in the process. Often he appears in the beginning, at the first step: reasonable thinking. Instead of carefully collecting data, shifting through the facts at hand, clarifying the issues, one possessed by the Coward demon may avoid thinking himself and merely ask what others think. What do you want to do?, he may ask; or, Where do you think we should go?, or, What do you think is the right way?

 

Instead of risking the rigors of reasonable thinking, his cowardice emerges in the beginning. He asks for direction or takes a poll. If others fail to supply thoughts for him, he may simply resort to feeling (I feel like this is what we ought to do.), or to old habits (What did we do before?). In either case, the courage required to think is replaced by the opinions of others, emotional reactions, or previous patterns of behavior.

 

If the process of thought is actually begun, the King turned Coward may then stop before he reaches a decision. Excusing his wishy washiness, he may rationalize that there are not enough facts to decide, that there is no good answer, or that he simply can't make up his mind so soon. Whatever he says, the facts are that this demon stops short of delineating, discriminating, drawing a line, moving from both/and to either/or--that is, making up his mind.

 

If the figure-head King does go through the motions of thinking, even reaching tentative decisions, here his direction ends. Tentativeness prevails over decision. He lacks the courage to act on what he has decided. Doubt may enter his mind about the correctness of his decision, about whether or not he had sufficient data to decide, about what will happen if he does act, and on and on. Wavering and doubt become his middle names.

 

Even if he finally decides and proposes to act on his decision, he awaits the approval and support of those around him. If any objection or resistance becomes evident, he is likely to give in, blaming his lack of nerve on those who objected or were not enthusiastic in their support.

 

The King is a combination of Maleness and Adulthood; this demon which replaces him is likewise a merging of the demons who appear in the absence of masculinity and authority, namely, the Wimp and the Saint. The cowardly King is like a Saintly Wimp. Not only is he too limp to stand up for what he wants or decides, he also acts virtuous about his cowardice. He rationalizes all his failures to carry through on his decisions by various forms of faulty thinking and projected fear.


His Saintliness comes through in his self-righteous conclusions that he failed to stand up for the good of his followers, because they weren't ready, he didn't want to offend anyone, or any other of a thousand excuses. Rarely does this demon present himself as an actual Coward, nor does the person possessed by him think of him or herself as a Wimp. More often the Saintly side of their possession overshadows the truth; they see themselves as nice, polite, good, not wanting to offend, or even heroic for waiting for others to get ready to follow their wise decisions. Observers, however, may see through the rationalizations and glimpse the self-righteous Wimp.

 

If the cowardly King does somehow manage to get past the challenges of thinking, deciding, and standing up for his decision (even if he got his decision from others), his direction is still lacking. Though by position he is out front, he fears leading onward. The overt power which leadership, whether of one person or many, requires, is lacking in this impotent King. Followers as well as enemies are likely to sense his weakness. Even those who wish to follow him but are yet unkingly themselves, will be turned away by his hesitant leadership. Enemies, of course, prey on his obvious wavering.

 

The Coward, for all his gentle appearance, is also an awesome demon to either be possessed by or to have to live with when he is possessing another.

 




QUEEN DEMONS

 

When one's Adult and Female capacities for nurturing are not activated in the role of Queen, a void is left in the individual. This void is the source of the Bad Queen demon. The two versions are: Super-mom and Slave.

 

SUPER-MOM

 

When the God demon, representing limited human authority replaced by godly authoritativeness, is combined with the Female Witch, the resulting demon is the Super-mom. To the meanness of Witch she brings ultimate authority as well. She is a terribly imposing, powerful force. In a parent, she is the familiar figure caricatured as the Jewish Mother--a domineering woman, pretending to care, but actually consuming a whole household. As a matron she becomes the aggressive Female who manages a family dynasty, keeping everyone else somehow in her service while she gives the appearance of tending to everyone. In a community, she may appear in the form of the town Busy-body, who, cloaked in helpfulness, manages to tend to everybody else's business.

 

Invincible is the single most descriptive word for the Super-mom. She personifies the spirit of Helen Reddy's song about woman: I am woman; I am invincible. I am woman; I can do anything... Covert power, the forte of femininity, is amplified to its grandest proportions in this demon.

 

The Super-mom, like Superman, seems to be out to save the world, at least her particular portion of it. She wants to take care of everyone, to mother all the children everywhere--and she views everyone as her child. The energies given to this gargantuan task are often monumental to behold.


On the surface Super-mom appears to be capable of doing anything, handling any situation, taking care of everyone's problems, working from daylight till dark and never tiring. She accepts unlimited responsibilities, even when not expected to. She thrives on being needed. When she is an actual mother, juggling children's often hectic schedules with keeping a house, husband, and even an outside job along with community service projects, seem to be her chosen lot. She appears godly in her sense of personal responsibility for everything and everyone. On the surface.

 

In this demon, however, actual nurturing, which results in the healthy growth of another, is replaced by unhealthy tending-to, which has the appearance of nurture but is finally destructive. Under the tutelage of a Super-mom in the role of a Female parent--where this demon gets her name, children can be expected to give the appearance of growing up early (too soon), only to emerge as forever dependent on the Super-mom who trained them accordingly. A son will predictably be a good boy (a Bad Prince) who never grows up; a daughter will likely be a dutiful girl (a Bad Princess) who pretends, like the Maid, to be serving everyone.

 

The Good Queen's nurturing function, previously analyzed to include: feeling, accepting, and supporting, is grandly distorted by this demon. On first glance she appears to do them all in super fashion, to mother better than a normal mother--hence her name. Actually, however, each element in good mothering is distorted unrealistically by this demon. She only appears to mother; in reality, she smothers.


Each part of the nurturing role is so exaggerated that it produces, in the long run, the opposite effect. Instead of promoting real growth, it only brings about a kind of hot-house appearance--too much maturity too soon--which ends, finally, with stunted growth. The good son of the Super-mom turns out to be a perpetual momma's boy, when he is a physical man. Her good daughter, in spite of her conscious protestations (privately she often says she will never be like her mother), is likely to grow up just like her mother. Super-moms beget Super-moms, or else their opposite, the Slave (to be described next).

 

The first element in nurturing is feeling--that is, being emotionally open and intuitive in response to the other. The Super-mom demon acts out this mode of being in an exaggerated form. She appears to be very emotional and super-sensitive to others. She may, for example, cry immediately in a sad situation, and enfold a hurting person in her arms. Her tears, however, are only a part of the act. Actually she is cold and unfeeling (this is the Witch element in her). She can stop the crying as soon as it ceases to serve her godly purposes (the second concealed element in her stance). Time reveals that the Super-mom demon's excessive tenderness is but a cloak for her hidden cold heart. She merely acts emotional, because it works.

 

Like the Tyrant, her Male counterpart, she is using her femininity as he does his masculinity, in the exercise of assumed ultimate authority--false godhood. But while Male power is overt or outward, her's is covert. He flaunts his power; she conceals her's. He acts omnipotent (SOB), while she acts as though she were impotent (Witch), pretending, for instance, to be an old woman while luring Hansel and Gretel toward her oven.


How could you do that to your poor mother who only lives to love you?, such a Super-mom might say to a misbehaving child, pretending that she is gravely injured by a child's behavior. Actually, she manipulates powerfully with her pretended impotence. Innocently she lures the child toward subservience and a predictable dependency in the long run. Guilt is one of her favorite tools. The Super-mom always knows how to make one feel guilty for not doing what she wants done. The Tyrant controls by outward threat; Super-mom controls by inward threat. He will hurt your body; she, your heart.

 

The second good Queenly function in nurturing is accepting or bringing together. The Queen is a healer, a maker of community. She brings the parts of an individual and the persons in a family together. While the King is delineating and deciding, drawing a line--moving toward either/or, the Queen is holding and healing, drawing a circle--moving toward both/and. To his, The boy has done wrong and must be punished, she replies, Yes, but he's my son and I love him.


This, however, is the Good Queen. When she has been replaced by this demon, the Super-mom, the encircling function only appears to be accepting. She does, in the example of the bad boy, put her arms around her son, protecting him from the punishment of the father. But actually she is dividing the family; pretending to protect, she captures the son to be her own, as he will predictably remain even after growing up physically.

 

All the Super-mom's displays of affection and overt efforts at reconciliation (Let's not argue; let's all be nice to one another.), may appropriately be viewed with suspicion. Beneath them lie the tentacles of her covert power and cloaked Witchiness. Appearing to strive for togetherness, her deeper goal is always division and possession. She pretends to unite and heal, while she actually divides to conquer.

 

True Queens, as a third function in nurturing, stand with those they care for. In good times and bad, Queens remain present and supportive. Super-moms also appear to stand with their wards; actually, they stand over them. Their supporting presence is limited to its effectiveness in securing domination over the ones they pretend to care for. They are with you as long as it serves their purposes. Then they drop you in an instant. For example, this Godly Witch may swear to love her children (of any age) through thick and thin. But as soon as they go against her wishes, she does not hesitate to lock them out of the house (of her good graces if not the building she rules over).

 

In summary, the Bad Queen demon in the form of Super-mom is an unreal exaggeration of all the best elements of mothering. She is a mother-gone-bad in the direction of too much good. She is too good to be true--literally. Beneath her Godly taking-care-of, the Wicked Witch of the West always lies in wait. Beware of Super-moms; they will own you in the long run.

 

SLAVE

 

In many ways the Slave is the mirror reflection of the Super-mom. As Adult she is possessed by the Saint demon rather than the God. His or her true femininity is replaced by Patsy rather than Witch. The Slave then is a combination of Saint and Patsy, a too perfect Adult and a too submissive Female. Deceptively nice, she is a dangerous demon.

 

Reflecting the Jewish mother who lords it over everyone, this reverse demon slaves under (for) everyone. She is the family door-mat, the perfect mother who tries to do everything for everybody. Like the Super-mom, she feels responsible for all, but instead of managing the energies of everyone else in achieving her goal of what should be, she slavishly devotes all her own energies to this herculean task. Commonly, she works her fingers to the bone. When she is a wife she is her husband's personal servant, the proverbial good little woman who has his slippers at the door, dinner on the table, the house perfectly clean, and then brings his pipe after the meal, her body to the bed.

 

As a mother, she exists for her children. Her sole purpose in life is to anticipate and fulfill their every need. She attempts to have the perfect breakfast ready when they wake, their clothes neatly cleaned and ironed, and cookies on the table when they return home from school. She cleans their rooms, washes their clothes, and is always ready to transport them to their chosen destinations. Outsiders may note that she spoils them rotten, but she is only doing her duty as a good mother. Duty is a key word in the functioning of the Slave demon. Her Saint component is continually pushing her toward ever more perfection as a Slave to all those who make up her world. Of course she has no life of her own. One possessed by this demon exists to serve.

 

The specific elements in good nurturing are all exaggerated in opposite ways from those in the Super-mom. If the Super-mom is cold hearted, feeling too little, the Slave mother is tender hearted, feeling too much. She is the typical bleeding heart, totally vulnerable to any revealed need in another person. She wears her heart on her sleeve and easily becomes emotionally victimized by the hurts of others. Totally out of touch with her actual limits, she tries to accept everything, to put up with any type of behavior, even abuse. Abused women are often possessed by this demon.

 

The Queenly function of healing and bringing parts together realistically is replaced in the Slave by a super-human effort to eliminate all differences and see that everyone is nice to everyone. She can tolerate no disagreement, since it seems a threat to total harmony. Placatingly she slaves at smoothing over all apparent differences. Peace at any price is her goal. Readily she sacrifices any opinions or desires of her own in favor of keeping everyone happy, interpreted as evidencing no disharmony whatsoever. Like the Patsy she also is, she will give in to anyone anytime, for sake of peace and harmony.


**********

 



CHAPTER 7

 

WHAT TO DO

*********

 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

 

Problems are predictable in four major areas:


1. UNEMBRACED CAPACITIES

2. UNLEARNED ROLES

3. CONFUSING CAPACITIES AND ROLES

4. POSSESSION BY NEGATIVE FORCES


Each of these will now be examined separately:

 

1. UNEMBRACED CAPACITIES

 

The first major problem is the common attempt to operate on only one or two cylinders when we are potentially like finely equipped four cylinder vehicles. The problem may also be seen as self-denial--that is, the denial of real parts of ourselves. If self is seen in four primary parts (personified here as Youth, Adult, Male, and Female), this problem emerges when one tries to deny one or more of these elements of him or herself.

 

We all have some measure of capacity in each of the four major areas--some of the spontaneity of Youth, the responsibility of Adult, the overt power of Male, and the covert power of Female. The degree of capacity in any one area varies from person to person, but the reality of a given amount in each area seems to be universal. No real person is all work (Adult) and no play (Youth), for example. Nor is any person only Male (with overt power only), or just a woman--that is, existing with covert power only.

 

As persons, we all have certain inherent capacities in all four areas. The problem is that we tend, for various reasons, to deny of fail to accept and embrace certain of these natural capacities. For example, one may try to be only Youth, that is, evade our common gift of responsibility (Adult); or one may try to be just Male, denying the femininity which is inherent in all of us. Or one may get trapped in trying to be female only, denying any capacity for firmness and overt power.

 

Full living requires all of our human capacities. Indeed, the natural world tends to demand our fullest potential just for ordinary existence. Beyond mere existence, fullness of life calls for becoming all that we are capable of being--namely, Youth and Adult, Male and Female.

 

Whenever we attempt to exist, let alone live well, with only one or two primary capacities activated, we inevitably run into trouble. Denying any part of who-we-are creates problems. We are designed, and reality calls, for embracing all of our human capacities--here categorized into the four major areas. We cannot be ourselves while refusing to activate any given capacity, no matter how great of small it may be, for being Youth and Adult, Male and Female. Many of the problems we encounter are the inevitable result of unembraced capacities, trying to deny certain aspects of our real selves--attempting to run on one cylinder when we are actually four cylinder persons.

 

2. UNLEARNED ROLES

 

Living well in our complex society calls for the active use of all four of the primary roles--Prince and Princess, King and Queen. Certain circumstances call for one role; others call for another. For example, the Princess role (Won't you please help me) is ideal for reaching many human goals. In others, however, it falls woefully short. There the Prince role (exploring the unknown) may be exactly appropriate. Other circumstances almost demand the leadership of King. Then again, as in a family situation, the nurturance of Queen is the most workable role.

 

Good living in a variety of circumstances calls, at appropriate times, for each of the four ways of acting. One who lives well needs to be able to function skillfully in each role, artfully changing from one to the other as circumstances require. However, many persons only learn one role effectively, then try to accomplish all their goals with this single way of acting. For example, a girl who naturally learns the Princess role first (society supports her in learning this way of acting), may try to achieve all her aims through this one role--attempting, for example, to make good grades through charming the teacher. Whereas acting cute may work well with her father (and many vulnerable male teachers also), the exploring mind of the Prince is needed in the pursuit of good grades.

 

The Kingly role which is effective in running an organization may fail miserably in a relationship which also requires, often, the nurturing of the Queenly stance. Conversely, the nurturance of a Queen brought by a career woman into the business world may lead to predictable failures. The corporate kingdom often calls for the firm reasoning of a King rather than the soft feeling of a Queen. When a person is limited in the use of either one or the other roles, failure is eventually predictable.

 

All roles are like tools, each appropriate to its own task. Just as a rake is useful in raking, but ineffective for digging a hole, so with each of the roles. This second major category of problems appears because many persons try to dig holes with a rake, or hammer nails with a feather. Feathers are fine for tickling, but limited for hammering. The artistry of living well in society calls for using the appropriate tool (role) for each given task.


Ideally one learns all roles well and develops artistry in switching from one to another, depending on what is called for in the given circumstances. Such ideals, obviously, are rare; most of us experience many problems because we are Johnny-one-notes, trying to play all the music of life with only one role. Our songs, then, are predictably limited or discordant.

 

We become rigid and trapped in our roles, inflexibly trying to do things the hard way. Using the Queen's role for a King's task, for instance, may be admirably in intent, yet is like hitting your head against a stone wall. We truly suffer from being Johnny-one-roles. Unlearned roles are a major source of human problems.

 

3. CONFUSING CAPACITIES AND ROLES


As noted previously, capacities are for being, roles are for doing--that is, we are the sum total of our capacities, we act in any or all of the four roles. Given this basic difference between capacities and roles, reversing the order--attempting to be a role or act a capacity--is literally impossible.

 

Unfortunately many of us attempt just this impossibility--repeatedly. We try, for instance, to act like Males and Females and to be Princes and Princesses. Failing to accept ourselves as Male, to be Maleness, we may identify who-we-are with the role of Prince. Thereafter we try to act like a man and to be Prince Charming. Or denying femininity (being Female), one may fall for the illusion of being a Princess. Then such a person feels personal about what is only a role and tries to act like what he or she actually is (but has denied becoming).

 

This unfortunate situation, the basis of many human problems, is like a stage actor or actress becoming type cast--that is, having played a single type of role (comedy, for example) so often and long, that the public only sees them in that one role. Thereafter the person may only be cast as this type.


The problems in this third category begin when the actor or actress falls for his or her own type cast--that is, when they themselves come to believe that they are the type of role they have repeatedly been cast into. Once a person forgets that any role--Prince or Princess, King or Queen--is precisely and only that, a role, falling for the illusion that It is I, these problems emerge. Type casting by others is regrettable; type casting ourselves is disastrous.

 

A major area of personal homework for many persons involves learning to distinguish their capacities (who-they-are) from their roles (how-they-act), then approaching each in its own appropriate way. Remember, capacities are to be embraced, not learned like skills; roles are to be practiced and learned, not waited for as though they will come to you. Only capacities are given; roles must be sought and perfected. An It (a role) can never, in reality, become I, any more than I (who-I-am) can become any of the roles. Confusing these differences is the basis of much human misery.

 

4. POSSESSION BY DEMONS

 

Just as nature abhors a vacuum, so does human nature. Whenever we humans a-void becoming a part of who-we-are potentially, a void in ourselves is created. Whenever we a-void learning one of the needed roles, a void exists in our behavioral repertoire.

 

Voids or vacuums in being and doing are like vacant houses, inviting vagrant occupants. When, for instance, the capacity for being responsible (Adult) is avoided, a vacuum in being ourselves is left. But not for long. If we think of healthy capacities as positive, such a void in responsibility will soon be filled by a negative force. An unhealthy, destructive power will appear in the place where the positive capacity might have been. The vacuum in human nature, created when the potential for Adult responsibility is not embraced, will be filled with an inhuman force. The me will be replaced by something which is not me. The person will be possessed by an impersonal power.

 

These inhuman forces, destructive powers which seem inevitably to appear when we avoid being some part of ourselves or using one of our available roles, become our demons. A demon is a name for an observable phenomenon in human experience, a predictable negative force which rushes into the void left by an unembraced human capacity or an unlearned human role. A demon may also be seen in an unhealthy pattern of behavior, a constellation of negative traits, which emerges out of nowhere whenever a healthy capacity is unaccepted or a useful role neglected.

 

Whenever one is caught up in one of these negative patterns of hehavior, here called in the possession of a demon, good living is negated. You can not be yourself and in the possession of a demon at the same time. Living well requires freeing ourselves from dictation by demons.

 

 

OVERVIEW OF WHAT TO DO

I.Generalizations

 

The overall recommendations for individuals are these:

 

1. EXERCISE YOUR ANGELS

2. EXORCISE YOUR DEMONS

3. RELATE LOVINGLY WITH OTHER PERSONS

 

If you, like most of us, have unembraced capacities and unlearned roles--that is, have not yet fully become yourself, then your angels are probably calling you. The voices of your denied self are likely to still be hearable--if you are willing to listen. The suggestions which follow will help you learn how to exercise--to give your angels a workout.

 

Secondly, you may begin to confront and exorcise your demons. They have no place in good living. Even if you are often possessed, you still have the possibility of living free from your particular versions of the negative forces which tempt us all to give up being ourselves. Practical suggestions are given on how you may learn to free yourself from them.

 

Thirdly, to the extent of your success with the first two issues, you face the possibility of loving other persons. Suggestions are given about dealing with your relationships--specific issues likely to arise in bringing your particular profile into relationship with other persons. The ideal of loving rather than using others is amplified.

 




II. SPECIFICS

1. ACCEPT AND EXPAND YOUR MAJOR CAPACITY AND ROLE

 

2. LEARN TO RESIST YOUR PERSONAL DEMONS

 

3. LISTEN FOR YOUR ANGELS

 

4. ADD SAME GENDER, OPPOSITE ROLES

 

5. LEARN OPPOSITE GENDER ROLES

 

6. LEARN TO CONFRONT DEMONS IN OTHERS

 

7. ADD LOVE

 


****************

 

EXPLANATIONS

 

"Exercising angels, exorcising demons, and loving others" more specifically involves the following steps:

 

1. ACCEPT AND EXPAND YOUR MAJOR CAPACITIES AND ROLES

 

Begin by focusing on your stronger capacities and best roles. Specifically these include your most accepted capacities--Youth or Adult, Male or Female, and your best learned roles--Prince or Princess, King or Queen.

 

Even though you are already better developed in these areas, you may have come to take them for granted or even ignore, out of familiarity, the personal affirmation inherent in them. Since your strong capacities will be the basis for your work at expanding yourself, you may consider strengthening them first. In this step, to be amplified in the next section, you will try to accept more consciously who you presently are, rather than denying, mistreating, or putting down on your current self. You will strengthen your base for expansion.

 

2. LEARN TO RESIST YOUR PERSONAL DEMONS

 

Next, to prevent your assets from becoming liabilities, learn more about resisting the particular demons commonly associated with your major capacities and roles. When we are limited to only a part of our potential, we usually try to make it accomplish more than it actually can. Then the negative replacements for the positive elements of ourselves are likely to appear--the demons.

 

Before we become effective in expanding ourselves-- adding new capacities and learning new roles, we most often have to confront these personal demons. Indulging them is always easier than moving into new territories of self.

 

3. LISTEN FOR YOUR CAPACITY ANGELS

 

Before new roles can be learned, the underlying capacities must be embraced. This third step involves listening for angels which represent less accepted personal capacities. Usually we are more identified with one or two of the four major capacities--for instance, more Youth or Male, with our Adult and Female capacities less accepted.

 

Our least accepted capacities are best embraced through learning to hear and respond to the voices of our angels. Steps one and three are about exercising Capacity Angels.

 

4. LEARN YOUR SAME GENDER, OPPOSITE ROLE

 

Everyone has a best role--that is, one which they have already learned and tend to use in all circumstances. As previously noted, growing up involves adding to one's role repertoire, learning new roles to use in situations where they are more appropriate.

 

The best place to begin is with that role which is the opposite role within your own gender. King, for instance, is opposite of Prince within the Male gender; Queen is opposite of Princess on the Female side of gender capacities. This means that if your currently best developed role is Prince, the next place to turn is to learning the King's role. If you are good at playing Queen, you will first add the role of Princess. In steps four and five you learn to exercise your Role Angels.

 

5. LEARN YOUR OPPOSITE GENDER ROLES

 

After you are better at playing both roles related to your own gender capacity, then you may begin to learn the roles related to your gender shadow. A Male, for instance, after adding the King's role to his Prince, may turn his attention to learning how to play Princess and Queen. A Female who has learned to play Princess as well as Queen can then begin to expand her effectiveness in playing King and Prince.

 

6. LEARN TO CONFRONT DEMONS IN OTHERS

 

After you have embraced more of your natural capacities and achieved some effectiveness in all four roles, you will already have begun improving your relationships with others. Learning any new role will increase your skill in coping more effectively with others.

 

However, your improved skills will not necessarily prepare you for dealing with the demons of other people. Familiarity with your own (step 2) will help, but finally you will need to become familiar with predictable demons in persons with whom you relate. The art of confronting demons in others without getting hooked by them is a high art. In this step you will learn some of the skills required for not falling for demons in other people.

 

7. ADD LOVE

 

Finally, the apex of human potential is loving others. Through the earlier steps of embracing your potential capacities and learning the roles, you will inevitably have learned more about loving yourself. Self-love becomes the basis for this final step of learning to love others as well.

 

Love is last because it only becomes possible to the extent of success with the first six steps. We are not capable of the challenges of loving others beyond the extent of our personal wholeness. But as we begin to accept and develop ourselves, learning first to love who we are, then the door opens to the possibility of loving others also.


SUMMARY

 

The seven WHAT-TO DO suggestions have been outlined as though they are distinct and chronological--that is, separate from each other and to be done in numerical order. This is only true in principle. The steps are about priorities more than separable activities. In practice all the steps overlap; we can only be so distinct in theory, in our minds.

 

This means that although you will begin--if you follow my suggestions--with step one, you may at the same time be engaged in practice in other steps also. Even so, accepting the limitations of theories, placing your priorities in the order of the steps given is a practical approach. Even though overlap is inevitable, I suggest giving primary attention to the steps in order. You will be more effective in later steps in proportion to your success in following the earlier ones. For instance, step seven--loving others, may well be attempted even as you begin step one; however, only to the extent of your success with the first six will your possibility of loving another person find its greatest fulfillment.

 

So, even though you try to love someone else while you are learning to accept yourself (step 1), respect the priorities and realize that loving will become much easier after you have done some of your personal homework. Give your major attention to your homework (steps 1-6) and step seven, loving others, will tend to occur naturally.

 

III. GETTING PERSONAL

 

In this section we begin to apply the specific guidelines to you personally. What-to-do in general will now be related to you in particular.

 

1. ACCEPT AND EXPAND YOUR MAJOR CAPACITY AND ROLE.

 

Before reading further, get your Overall Profile Sheet (end of Chapter 1) which you completed earlier, in front of you. Begin by expanding your understanding of your major capacity as noted on your Overall Profile Sheet. Read (or re-read) the section on your major capacity (Score # 1).


Now you are ready to begin exercises designed to confirm or strengthen your current self. Before starting the exercises, consider your test results in the light of your own knowledge of yourself. Tests can be valuable, yet they are all fallible. The inventories which you took may have given an accurate picture of you, but because of problems inherent in all paper and pencil tests, they may have missed. Certainly you know more about yourself then the information revealed in your answers to the questions.

 

Probably a combination of the test results and your own personal insights about yourself will allow you to more accurately pin point your pattern. After reading the description of your major capacity, see how your test results compare with the way you see yourself. Because your information is obviously greater than that which the test has evaluated, weight your own study more heavily than the test results. However, a combination of test results and your personal evaluation is likely to be more accurate than either one or the other.

 

To guide your choice of which exercises to do first, make a decision now, considering both your study and test results, about your present profile. Which do you believe to be your strongest capacity?

 

If you feel that the test results are accurate for you, use your Score #1 on the Overall Profile Sheet. If your study of the descriptions combined with your knowledge of yourself leads to different results, then change your Overall Profile Sheet accordingly.

 

Now you are ready to begin actual exercises for accepting and expanding your major capacities and roles. Begin with your strongest capacity (Score # 1). Perhaps you are already fully developed in this area and do not need further exercise. However, to make this decision, I recommend that you read the section on the angel related to your strongest capacity and the exercises suggested for it. If you then find that the angel already seems to be a part of yourself and that the exercises related to it are things you already do, then proceed to consider your major role (Score # 4).

 

If any of the exercises seem beyond your current functioning, practice them before proceeding to consider your major role. The point is to establish a strong base in your currently best capacity so you have a good foundation for expanding yourself. Practice until you feel that you have well accepted yourself in the area of Score # 1 (your major capacity).


Next, turn to consider your major role (Score # 4 on your Overall Profile Sheet). If you are not already perfect in using this role (and who is?), consider improving your skills before proceeding. On your Overall Profile Sheet, look at # 4, your major role score. Turn to the section on that role and read it. Each such section begins with a chart comparing it with its opposite. Glance the chart before you read the chapter; then return to the chart for summary study.


As with your major capacity score, your role score based on testing alone may not be as accurate as when added to your own knowledge of yourself. If, after reading the description, you feel that your actual profile is different, then change your major role on the Profile Sheet.

 

To work on improving your skills in your major role, begin the exercises given with it. If they are all things you already do easily, then move on to the next step. If not, practice the exercises until they come naturally for you.


2. LEARN TO RESIST YOUR PERSONAL DEMONS

 

To remain firmly rooted in our major capacities and playing our primary roles well we must learn to confront and resist the predictable demons which are associated with them. Easily these demons can undercut, replace, and negate the effectiveness of strong capacities and roles.

 

Confronting personal demons may be broken down into two major steps: understanding and practice. First you will need a good understanding of demons in general: What are they?, How do they work?, How are they confronted and resisted? Then you can begin to look for your personal demons and apply your knowledge to the active process of exorcism, resisting them in life.

 

For this first step--understanding, read the following section.



WHAT TO DO WITH DEMONS

 

A woman I know once told me that when her business failed she became very angry at her husband although she did not know why. And he, no doubt sensing her anger and feeling no longer adored, announced he wanted out of the marriage, although he wasn't able to say why himself. It took them a long time and a lot of sleepless nights, during which they talked until dawn, to figure out what was happening and to find their way back again. "I think," she told me over tea one day, a long time after the event, "that I was mad at him because if he couldn't save the business, he was just as powerless as I and I'd been wrong to think of him as my prince, he was just an ordinary guy. And I think he wanted out because I no longer was a success in his eyes, and only if I was could he go on being the prince, which is the only role he knows."

 Merle Shain

 

Letter from a former client, a retiring Princess. I'll call her ex-Prince husband Bill: I finally took Bill off the pedestal I had created and maintained for two decades. Then I had difficulty seeing the human, fallible Bill in the blinding daylight of reality after seeing him romantically lit for so long as Lancelot, Prince Charming and Superman.


************

 

He needed to be alone, Charles told her. For a while. He had to go home. Unfinished business. No, he couldn't do it with her. Some things, to be done at all, must be done alone. Ghosts will not appear for a committee.

 Allen Wheelis

 

Once the phenomenon of demons is recognized, what are we to do about it? How can we best go about confronting the subject? Is it better to ignore demons? To fight them? Talk to them? Try to get someone else to exorcise them? Just what is the most effective means of eliminating these negative forces so that one can more freely face the angels and live a positive life?


With our own demons, those which at times possess us, we have three major choices:


1) We may either exercise, project, or exorcise them--that is, we may give them free reign in their possession of our lives, exercising them daily;


2) We may imagine them to be outside ourselves, projecting them onto others;


3) Or we may begin eliminating their control over us, exorcising them from their possession of our real capacities.


In the first choice, the one most commonly made, a person simply ignores the subject and turns himself over to these powerful forces which may run every facet of one's life. Angel voices, calling us to embrace actual capacities, are ignored in this course of regularly exercising the demons instead. With this choice we never become who-we-are, because we are constantly controlled by what-we-are-not.


In the second choice, one presumes himself to be innocent or free from demons. Places, circumstances, and other persons are made into mirrors in which one's own demons are seen in reflected form. Thereafter the projecting person relates to his demons externally. Though popular, these choices are obviously not recommended if we are to be reasonable or wish to become ourselves.

 

Before examining the latter, most desirable choice, namely, exorcism, I amplify the first two. If we see them clearly, then we may more responsibly choose to avoid these options in favor of the difficult but desirable third choice.


EXERCISING

 

The most popular option involves ignoring the subject entirely. We can pretend that everything is as it appears to be; that we existentially are the way we find ourselves. This is just me, the way I am. The entire subject can be rationalized away, relegated to the same category as childhood fairy tales. Demons can be viewed as ogres or ghosts, that is, fantasies which no reasonable adult believes in.

 

When one dismisses the topic entirely, the result is a life given over to exercising whatever demons already possess the person or which may later appear in the absence of his real self. Unseen, the possessing demons utilize the capacities of one who ignores them in achieving their own demonic goals. Unawarely, the individual in their power exercises his unfaced demons in daily life.

 

PROJECTION

 

The second easiest option is to project demons out there, onto the environment or other persons. Like a movie or slide projector which actually has the filmed images inside itself but shows them on a distant screen, so we may imagine the demons that exist within us are out there. We may see them only in their projected form, on the screen of places, circumstances, or persons.

 

This psychic phenomenon of projection occurs when a child who is afraid in the dark imagines there is a ghost in the closet scaring me. The powerful forces of fear are projected out there, given the shape of a ghost, and presumed to be the cause of the child's fear. In like manner an adult may deny powerful forces within himself, project them, for example, onto another person, and relate to them exactly as a child does to his imaginary ghost. Sexual forces, for instance, which are actually experienced within, may be projected onto persons of the opposite gender. She turns me on, such projecting males may say of an innocent female whose only guilt is inherited femininity. Thereafter, males may either try to capture or escape the empowered female.


This phenomenon, projecting inward forces onto outside objects, is the second major psychic device used in coping with demons. The devil made me do it, joked Flip Wilson. Without getting the joke, persons who don't consciously believe in the devil may project their demons onto other persons and then live as though these devilish people are the cause of their own destructive behavior.

 

Males, for example, possessed by a Wimp demon, commonly project on innocent Females and reject them for being the cause of their own impotence: If only she would, then I could... Females possessed by Patsy demons often perceive themselves as innocent victims of chauvinistic, macho, males. Princes replaced by Jerk demons usually think that girls are driving them away, just as Bitch-possessed Princesses think that boys are insensitive to their needs. God-possessed parents may think kids are driving them crazy, while children who have become Brats blame all their problems on bad parents who don't understand them.


Given this common human temptation to project personal demons onto those around us, the first challenge in confronting demons realistically is to withdraw such projections now in operation. Before I can, or will, deal with my demons, I must own them as mine. As long as I think that this place is depressing me, or, these circumstances or making me unhappy, or my spouse is driving me mad,--that is, that the negative powers within me are out there doing it to me, I am in no position to confront my demons. My energies will be given to trying to find a better place, to arrange things comfortably, or to hoping my spouse will get better.

 

EXORCISM

 

The third major option is exorcism--the process of eliminating demons from one's existence, of learning to listen to the voices of angels instead, and returning to one's true humanity. Although the process may be visualized as portrayed in the classic '73 movie, EXORCISM, such dramatic portrayals easily confuse the essentially personal nature of such events.

 

In this popular conception, which is logically rejected by reasonable persons, demons are understood as objective entities inhabiting a person. Taken at face value only, as such movies appear to do, these powerful spooks may be removed, albeit with great drama, by priests or other magical persons.

 

Although this type of graphic movie does realistically portray the demonic power of possession and the challenge of exorcism, it easily leaves the issue in the objective realm of literalism. Personal irresponsibility and magical powers of others are the logical implications of such presentations.

 

In rare forms of possession, and in particular circumstances (to be amplified later), the power of another person may reasonably be brought to bear on one's personal demons. However, the possibility of exorcism by others is rare, dangerous, and, I think, always a temporary solution. Easily the notion of exorcism by others--as shown in the movies--leads to misunderstanding (seeing oneself as innocent, and demons as literal entities rather than metaphorical realities).


Personal irresponsibility and fascination with magic rather than reality are the predictable results of such misunderstanding, not to mention the dismissal of the subject of demons by reasonable people. In either case, the exorcisms described here are far from the realm of magic. They lie at the heart of personal reality. Even in those rare instances when exorcism involves the powers of another person, the faith and courage of the possessed one are always the crucial issues.

 

This awesome and personally dramatic process can be broken down, for thought purposes, into three phases, three R's for memory's sake: RECOGNITION, RESPECT, and RESISTANCE. First we must recognize our demons; then, carefully respect their power; and, finally, learn to resist their possession.

 

RECOGNIZING DEMONS

 

The first phase of the process involves recognizing one's demons as one's demons. Before any progress can be made, a demon must be seen and acknowledged as just that--a demon, rather than oneself. After we have been possessed by a particular demon for some time, we often identify ourselves with that demon, mistaking it for I--the demon for our actual self. After extended possession, the demon seems like me. The fact of my possession is lost to my awareness. I forget about the time when I was otherwise. Then I begin to feel personal about the demon, even to defend it as though it were actually a part of myself. The whole subject of demons may become foreign to me. Before any success in exorcism can occur, one must become aware of the reality of demons in general, and one's own in particular. Recognition precedes any direct confrontation.

 

Seeing demons may be considered in two steps--general and particular. Regrettably the subject has fallen into such social and even religious disrepute, due to the objectification of demons, that many sensible people have dismissed the whole topic from conscious consideration. Of course the language of demons, as used here, is unnecessary. Any other acceptable set of terms may be utilized. However, some language allowing conscious recognition is essential before thought or exorcism can occur.

 

Once the general subject, whatever the language chosen, is brought into awareness, one must begin to get personal about it. Demons in general, an academic topic, must be phased into demons in particular, a very personal subject. After the reality of demons is accepted, the next step is to begin recognizing them in oneself. If demons exist, how can their presence be recognized?

 

Unfortunately, we can seldom approach the subject of our personal demons directly. One can't simply ask himself, and expect an accurate answer, Do I have a demon? Demons, when in possession, are almost always either unconscious or so identified with our awareness of ourselves as to be unrecognizable. Hardly anyone thinks of himself as possessed, especially when it is most deeply true. If you ask a possessed person, Is this the real you?, he is almost certain to answer, Yes, of course. And, likely, so are you.


In daring to ask the question of ourselves, we increase the odds of honesty if we approach the possibility of possession obliquely. To begin, one might look for signs. As with physical illness, a search for symptoms is the best place to start. Instead of asking yourself, Do I have a demon?, ask first, Do I have any of the symptoms of possession?

 

Four major signs or symptoms of demons are: loss of humor, loss of humanity, loss of reason, and loss of self. If you are serious about facing the possibility of personal demons, look for clues in these areas.

 

LOSS OF HUMOR

 

Perhaps the most common sign of a demon is loss of a sense of humor. When a demon is present a person often gets deadly serious. Everyday matters take on earth-shaking proportions. The most mundane issues are treated as though they are of ultimate significance. Possessed people take life too seriously. They can't joke or kid around. Nor can they take a joke. In the areas of their possession they believe their feelings, ideas, and activities matter more than they, in reality, do.

 

The wonder and ridiculousness, the glory and absurdity, of the human condition are lost to one who has a demon, at least in the area of the demon's possession. For example, if a man is possessed by a Coward demon, he may be able to joke about everything else, but when it comes to seeing or being able to laugh about his lack of Kingliness, he gets deadly serious. A woman with a Slave demon can not be kidded about her servitude to others. Possession denies one access to the cosmic joke. The inherent humor in all things is lost to them.

 

Deadly serious, this clue to possession, is to be distinguished from a real seriousness about life or any aspect of living. Its opposite is not frivolous. Unpossessed persons are, of course, serious about themselves and their activities, but not deadly serious. They act responsibly, but they can be kidded. They have a sense of humor, even about their most serious endeavors. Frivolousness, the other side of the coin of deadly serious is not the same as reasonably serious.

 

An extension of the loss of a sense of humor is the lack of fun or pleasure. Persons possessed don't have a good time in the areas of their possession. If a person is not having fun with what he is doing, a lurking demon may reasonably be suspected.

 

To identify loss of a sense of humor with possession is not to affirm the opposite. Just because one jokes around, kids others, and always seems to have a good time, does not necessarily mean that no demon is present. A mask of humor can also be one of the cloaks a demon wears. Jokesters may also be possessed. Their appearance of humor does not necessarily reflect true inner pleasure.

 

However, excessive seriousness or no sense of humor in a particular area of one's life is one of the surest signs of possession. When you can't laugh about it, no matter what it is, a demon is likely to be present. If a measuring stick could be made for Serious vs. Playful, demons should be expected wherever one measures more serious than playful. Unpossessed persons are playful; they have a sense of humor, even about the things they take most seriously. If you're not having any fun with what you are doing, probably you are possessed by a demon at the time.

 

LOSS OF HUMANITY

 

A second clue to possession, closely related to the first, is loss of humanity, replaced by an assumption of godliness. Persons who are possessed act godly rather than human. Although this symptom is specifically identified with a particular demon which we have named the God demon, the general trait of godliness can be found in all types of possession. When demons come in, humanity goes out.

 

Humility, perhaps the surest evidence of humanity, is lacking in the areas of one's possession. Even when a particular demon, such as a Wimp, Patsy, Doll, or Saint, presents itself as humble, an observant person can always see through the cloak. The Saint, for example, may be noted to be proud, even of his humility. Such a politician was recently quoted as saying, I'm a humble man . . . and proud of it.

 

Some of the elements of humanity most notably lacking in areas of a person's possession are these: imperfection--flaws, problems, inadequacies, incompletion. Godliness is characterized by perfection. When a person loses his humanity he often tries to appear as perfect or godly in the area of his lost humanity. Imperfections or flaws, in the territory of the demon, are denied. Even when the nature of a particular demon, such as, Maid, is to appear as imperfect, it is done perfectly--or so the possessed person tries to make it appear. Such a Maid presents herself as completely incapable, perfectly flawed. I can't do anything right, she may say, perfectly maintaining her imperfection.

 

With most demons the element of perfection, that is, the denial of humanity is more evident. Clearly, such possessed persons attempt to present themselves as complete. They deny any inadequacies or problems in areas of their possession. Counselors, of course, are avoided, since possessed godly persons can take care of themselves. They, omnipotently (another clue to godliness), don't need anybody's help. I can make it on my own, is the tacit, if not stated, motto of those possessed by the overtly godly demons.

 

The physical aspects of humanity--desire, sexuality, indeed the body itself, are commonly denied or repressed by those who are possessed. They try to appear, like the gods, above wanting and being sexy. Desire is commonly denied; sex is almost always repressed. Usually they are ashamed of their bodies, embarrassed if caught--as though it were a crime--naked. They may even be ashamed about going to the bathroom, a most elemental evidence of humanity.

 

Gods are omniscient; they know everything. Humans are limited in knowledge; they know some things, yet human knowledge is always limited. Humans never know anything for sure. But when we get possessed, we lose this human attribute. We come to believe that our knowledge is absolute, that we are right. Whenever you see someone who thinks they are right, or acts as though they know for sure, you may reasonably suspect the presence of a demon. Godly omniscience is a common sign of possession.

 

Omnipotence, or its shadow, impotence, is another sign of the loss of humanity. Humans have limited power as well as knowledge. Whenever one acts otherwise, that is, when one moves from potency to omnipotency or impotence, a demon is likely to be present. Humanity has been denied; godliness is evidenced. The assumption of personal rights and the option to judge others are two of the surest signs of this form of godliness.


When a demon is present, the person is likely to presume, for example, the inherent, not earned, right to be taken care of, even loved. Should they fail to get what they think they deserve, they freely judge--put down or condemn--those who deny them their rights. On the other hand, they feel equally free to put up or judge in the upward direction, those who indulge them favorably in their assumed rights. Freely they condemn or praise, that is, judge, others in proportion to the way they respond to the possessed person's assumed godliness.

 

This second clue to possession might be measured with a scale which scores one on Godliness vs. Humanity. The more human one is, the less he is possessed; the more godly one is--the more omniscient and omnipotent (or their shadows, ignorant and impotent)--the more he is possessed. The loss of humanity as seen in the assumption of godliness is a second major clue to the presence of demons. Whenever you find yourself acting like you know everything (or nothing), or can do or have anything you want (or nothing), then probably you are possessed. In all likelihood, clue number one will also be evident with this second sign: you will have lost your sense of humor along with your humanity.

 

LOSS OF REASON

 

A third major sign of possession is that a person begins to think or act unreasonably. Humans with a sense of humor (the first two clues) are also rational as contrasted with irrational. They use their heads; they are reasonable--that is, they add up their prior experience, they make sense of things, (as they have found them to be), and then apply this learning to present situations. If something doesn't add up, that is, does not fit in with their previous experience, they do not accept it as true. For example, if a human puts his hand in fire and discovers it to burn, he will reasonably not believe someone who says that fire doesn't burn. If he has stepped into water and found that he sinks, he would not consider it reasonable to try to walk on water.

 

The word reason, and colloquialisms for it, are italicized here to distinguish this clue from any technical use of the same word as applied to philosophy or the disciplines of logic. Being reasonable is meant as it is most commonly understood. When something doesn't add up, or, doesn't make sense when compared with prior experience, then it is unreasonable. There is no reference here to objective logic as contrasted with subjective feelings.


One is being unreasonable, as the word is used here, when he denies or acts contrary to anything he has learned in the School of Hard Knocks, no matter what he is taught by some other person or public institution. Uneducated children may be far more reasonable than their educated and thought-to-be reasonable parents. Such children still go by what they have learned, even though the quantity of their knowledge is smaller than that of their parents. Such a child, for example, would reasonably note that the Emperor has no clothes, even when his parents say, Look how finely the Emperor is dressed. This is the meaning intended here by being reasonable.

 

Now to apply this sign of possession: with reason understood in this common sense, possessed persons are unreasonable in the areas of their possession. When a demon is present, one thinks or acts irrationally. He doesn't make sense. What he says or does doesn't add up. Even though he is scrupulously logical, making himself sound totally sensible, an objective person, such as a child, would see through his logic. The Youth, for example, would see that the Emperor is naked, no matter how logically a possessed Adult presents his reasons for noting the beautiful garb of an Emperor the possessed Adult adores.

 

Beyond fairy tales, the same principle applies. Though a possessed person is logical about what he does, carefully explaining, for example, some irrational behavior like trying to get ahead by working twenty hours a day, seven days a week, his unreasonable activity may be apparent to others. One possessed by the SOB demon may logically explain his abuse of women he claims to care for; still his behavior is irrational. A Slave possessed mother may justify working her fingers to the bone for her children. Still it does not make sense. One in the possession of a Jerk demon might make leaving his wife sound perfectly logical to Joe the Bartender. Yet it could be unreasonable.

 

On an imaginary scale measuring Reason vs. Non-reason, a third sign of possession is a high score on the side of Non-reason. Humans are reasonable; possessed persons are unreasonable, no matter how logical they sound. If you find yourself thinking or acting out of line with what you have learned, ignoring your previous experience, hitting your head against a stone wall after you know about pain--if you discover that what you are doing doesn't make sense to you, then suspect a demon. If you've lost your humor, your humanity, and your reason, you can be quite sure about your possession at the time.

 

LOSS OF SELF

 

The loss on oneself as a separate and intact person is a fourth major symptom of possession by a demon. When one is doing his own thing, tending to his business, in his skin, in his right mind--that is, being himself, then no demon is present. But when one is out to lunch, out of his mind, not present, out of it, or, not being himself, expect a demon.

 

Loss of self occurs when one gets caught up in trying to be any role, such as, teacher, friend, parent, spouse, good person, smart person, etc. All roles can be played. Society requires them; but when one ceases to be playful about any role (the first clue to possession), and gets trapped in trying to literally be either of them, then he loses himself. Predictably a demon enters the void. We can be ourselves and act a role, as is appropriate to the circumstances, but we cannot become a role without losing ourselves.

 

Loss of self is often recognized in retrospect. I don't know what got into me, one may say afterward, but I was not being myself at the time. When an apology is sincere--for example, I didn't mean what I said, a person is testifying to such a time of losing himself.

 

Unfortunately, self-loss most often occurs without conscious knowledge at the time. We lose ourselves without knowing it. Self is gone, a demon is present, and we don't know it has happened. As noted earlier, we may even identify so completely with a possessing demon that we believe it is ourself. It, we think, is I. Should someone say to us, I don't think you are being yourself, at such a time, we may strongly deny the truth. Others, however, are more apt to smell a rat, that is, to sense our phoniness, to recognize that we--as our honest selves--are not being present with them.


Self-loss, whether recognized personally at the time or only seen by others, is a major clue to demon possession. Armed with a measuring stick for Being-yourself vs. Not-being-yourself, you may be reasonably confident of the presence of a demon whenever you measure nearer to Not-being-yourself. To be you is to be unpossessed; not to be you, that is, to lose yourself, is evidence that a demon is present.

 

To summarize: four major clues to possession by a demon are loss of humor, humanity, reason, and self. When either of these signs is present, you may suspect a demon; if all are evident, possession is likely to be complete.

 

In the process of dealing with demons creatively, the first step is to recognize the reality of the phenomenon; demons, metaphorically speaking, are real. Then one may ask himself: Do I have a demon? Could there actually be demons present in me? These four clues given above may be useful in answering this question in general.


If you suspect the presence of one or more demons in yourself, the next step is to face them specifically. If you are sometimes possessed--not yourself, unreasonable, inhuman, and not having any fun--what is the specific nature of your possession? Which type of demons do you have? What are their names?

 

NAMING YOUR DEMONS

 

The craftiest ruse of the demons for evading our grasp is making us identify with them...Only when we separate ourselves from something can we deal with it. Until that happens, we remain vulnerable to it.

Alfred Ribi

 

A particularly difficult part of recognition is overcoming previous identifications of oneself with one's demons. Easily we come to think of our demons as us--that is, to believe that these unreal forces which possess us, are truly who-we-are. In introducing this first phase of the process of exorcism I spoke of "recognizing one's demons as one's demons."


The latter half of the phrase is crucial: "...as one's demons" means that you must dis-identify your unreal demons from your real self. So long as demons are confused with your real self, you cannot but defend, if you are to maintain a sense of integrity, your demons. Certainly you cannot reasonably consider trying to exorcise them. That would be like cutting off your head to get rid of a headache.

 

One cannot properly confront an actual enemy whom he believes to be himself. This is a primary problem in identifying demons; with long experience in being possessed, we come to incorporate the foreign force as though it is actually us. It is like getting a splinter in a finger and keeping it there so long that the body begins to treat the splinter as though it were actually a part of the body. If a doctor should try to remove the splinter, the one who has identified himself with it would reasonably object. In similar fashion, one who has come to experience his demons as himself, cannot reasonably begin the process of actual exorcism until he recognizes his demons as demons which possess him, rather than as actual parts of who-he-is.

 

To understand this phenomenon further, a review of the titles we have used for angels and demons may be useful. Each of the capacities identified with the names of angels are parts of one's real self, even though one may not have yet consciously embraced them. Every person has the capacities labeled with the names, Youth and Adult, Male and Female. The particular quantities of each may vary--that is, some may have more capacity for Maleness, some for Femaleness, but all persons have some capacities in each category.


When capacities are combined and formed into the roles, Prince and Princess, King and Queen, these also are available, in varying degrees, to every human being. Each role is a way of acting a part of who we truly are. Capacities are elements of our real selves. When wholly who-we-are, that is, when we have embraced all our capacities for humanity, we are a combination of Youth and Adult, Male and Female; then we may learn to act as Prince and Princess, King and Queen. These are expressions of who we truly are.

 

Conversely, when these parts of our real selves are not embraced, the named demons appear to fill the void. The Bad Male, for example, with his versions of SOB and Wimp, comes to replace Maleness unembraced. These demons are not who one truly is; they merely appear in the void of the real person. Actually they are the not me appearing as though they are the real me. They are illusions taking the place of reality.


Once the replacement has been made, however, the illusions function like reality. The demons do appear to be the real person. When a person has lived with such an illusion for a long time, he too tends to come to take the illusion as real. This is the problem to be confronted in this first phase of exorcism. Possession must be recognized as possession, rather than as actual personhood.

 

The fact to be faced is that no one is, that is, truly exists as any of the demons. Although one may, for example, act like a Bitch--one of the forms of the Bad Princess demon, no one truly is a Bitch. This always remains an act, an unreal performance by a demon who has supplanted the real Princess part of the person. Such an individual is indeed acting like a Bitch, complaining about everything, but the person is not truly a Bitch. This is a performance, a mode of behavior, by an unreal force which has come to fill the void which appeared when the real Princess role was vacated.

 

The problem is that once one has learned well to act like a Bitch, and consequently has little practice at true Princesshood, it becomes tempting to identify with the Bitch and ignore one's real capacity for playing Princess. Such a possessed person comes to see him or herself as literally being the Bitch they act like. They think that if you love them, you must love the Bitch, because they believe the Bitch is who they are. If, on the other hand, you see the signs of their denied Princesshood and seek to affirm it, the possessed person may think you don't like them, since they themselves do not recognize their own Princesshood.


And so with any other demon. A King who has abdicated his power and been replaced by the Coward demon, may come to believe that he is truly a Coward. He does not recognize his own Kingliness because it has been so long denied. His cowardice, however, being very familiar, is easily identified with who he is. He may think that he is, that he truly exists in his cowardice. He has so long identified himself with his cowardly acts that he believes his resident demon to be who he actually is.


The difficulty is apt to be amplified by the risk we commonly perceive in letting go of anything which is familiar for something that is unknown. Better to keep the ills you have than to fly to those you know not of, is a truism. No where is this more predictable than with demons. Even if we don't like our demons, at least we know how to live with them. What will happen if we lose them? Will the latter state be worse than the first? Fear of the unknown, even a possibly better unknown, is often sufficient reason to avoid recognizing our demons.

 

Whatever the form of one's possession, the first essential act is recognizing it as possession rather than true identity. One must dis-identify with his demons before any confrontation becomes possible. Otherwise we remain in a Catch 22, damned if we do and damned if we don't, literally. I can state the facts here, to myself and my readers--You are not your demons, even if you think you are, but each of us must struggle personally with incorporating this information.

 

Recognition, the first phase of exorcism, has been accomplished when you have dis-identified with your own demon--ceased to think of a demon as yourself--and come to see the demonic behavior as foreign to you. You will then be able to say, I am now under the control of a demon, or, I see that I am presently possessed by something which is foreign to me. I don't know what it is, but something has gotten into me. I know that I am not being myself.


This recognition is not an escape from responsibility for your actions by blaming someone else, but rather a proper noting of the source of your irresponsible behavior. When one with no knowledge of demons thinks, after a damaging act, such as, hurting someone he loves, I don't know what got into me..., he may be recognizing the presence of demons.

 

Often such recognition comes in retrospect, after the event has passed: I can see now that I was possessed at the time. I certainly was not being myself.

 

The effectiveness of recognition is enhanced when you can be specific and name the demon which is (or was) in control. For example, when one's nurturing Queen is being replaced by the Slave demon, one might say to oneself in recognition: Oh, my goodness, here comes the Slave. Or when masculinity is being replaced, one might note: Manliness is gone; the Wimp is taking over. The Demon Dictionary (previously given) may be used for learning to name your demons. These general titles which may apply to everyone can be useful in initiating the process of recognition.


In time, you may become even more specific, giving personal names to your general demons. One man, for example, recognized the beginning of his acting like a Wimp when he was nicknamed Ducky in childhood. When he began to recognize the resurrection of this unreal behavior pattern in himself, he would say, Oh, my; here comes Ducky.


A woman identified her Witch demon with a figure from a fairy tale of her childhood. She borrowed the name from the story and called her Witch the Wicked Witch of the West. When she recognized that her natural femininity was being replaced by this powerful and destructive demon, she learned to say to herself: Be careful now, Liz, here comes the Wicked Witch of the West. Remember what she can do to a relationship!

 

You may or may not choose to personalize your demons with individualized names, but the process of recognizing demons as such (rather than as your true self) is the first step in confronting them. Specific names--mine or yours--can be even more productive. Such naming is essential in learning to distinguish one demon from another. This becomes pragmatic later because different demons call for different modes of confrontation.

 

RESPECTING DEMONS

 

Even a first name basis should not detract one from respecting the power of demons. The destructive forces of demons are immense. Left to control your life, they can undermine and obliterate all happiness and good living. Each demon is able to drain a person of the energies required for merely coping, not to mention living creatively in a situation. When other persons are involved, any demon is capable of wrecking a relationship, no matter how significant it is to the possessed person. A song with this line: You always hurt the one you love, the one you wouldn't hurt at all... testifies to the destructive power of personal demons loosed or allowed to control behavior with loved ones.

 

Because most demons have so much practice in taking over our lives in certain situations, they are extremely subtle in their invitations to give in to them. In time, they become habitual. We may give in so often that it becomes the apparently natural thing to do. Acting out the dictates of the demon becomes easier than thinking and deciding what we might choose to do. Even when we can see the havoc being wrecked, the ease of old demonic habits tempts us to avoid personal responsibility. At this point, as noted in the above section on recognition, we may even identify with the demon so that we consciously believe we are choosing our deeds rather than being dictated by a demon.

 

The point is, demonic powers are vast, even if our personal histories haven't left us vulnerable to acting out their possession by rote. Easily they can obliterate good will, upset harmony, and even kill spirit. A wise person will have great respect for demonic powers. He will never be ignorant about their existence or naive concerning their nature. Once recognized, they are not to be treated lightly. With them, we are playing with fire. Always our fullness of life, if not our careers and relationships, is at stake.


In coping with demons, recognition is wisely followed by an exceptional degree of respect. A Biblical injunction is a sound warning: Be vigilant and cautious at all times, for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring in fierce hunger, seeking someone to seize upon and devour (I Peter 5:8, Amp.). Demons can eat us alive; they call for appropriate respect. Jesus went one step further in his warning: ...do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul, but rather be afraid of him who can destroy both soul and body in hell (Matthew 10:28, Amp.). Demons have this latter power.

 

RESIST

 

The third R stands for RESISTANCE. Once we recognize the presence of a demon (hopefully, name and understand it for clarification), and respect its power, it is time to take a stand. Peter's advice in the Bible was straight: Withstand him (I Peter 5:9). Appropriate resistance is the third phase of dealing with demons. If we are to be human, we must resist demons and persist in remaining ourselves. When a demon comes knocking, inviting you to turn your life over to him, stay yourself. Never say die; don't give in to any recognized demon. Stay in your own skin; don't exit the premises. If you do, the results are predictable, no matter how easy giving in to the demon may be.

 

Resistance, as used here, means appropriate confrontation--something more than passively standing your ground. At times such confrontation will take the form of passive resistance, simply withstanding, but it will often include much more. The overall guideline for appropriate confrontation, called resistance here, is that you do whatever is necessary to avoid giving in to possession by any demon.


At the least, it means to stay in your own skin, to maintain personal integrity, and avoid projecting the demon onto another person. At best, you will confront a demon head-on, talking back, engaging in personal struggle, and, if possible, banishing the demon at the time. Resistance, then, ranges from holding on for dear life--merely surviving as yourself, to successfully exorcising a demon--victoriously defeating it in the moment. Each of these levels of resistance will now be considered.

 

The most basic and essential form of survival with a demon is passive resistance, holding on to yourself without selling your soul or giving in to possession at the time. For such effective resistance you need your best resources. In the Bible, Paul refers to these resources as God's whole armor. Put on God's whole armor that you may be able successfully to stand up against all the strategies and the deceits of a demon. He adds, Therefore put on God's complete armor, that you may be able to resist and stand your ground...and having done all the crisis demands, to stand firmly in your place (Ephesians 6:11, 13, Amp.). One certainly needs his best protection or armor when standing up to the strategies and the deceits of a demon.

 

But what does this battle imagery mean in regard to a personal encounter. Paul goes on to explain: Stand therefore--hold your ground--having tightened the belt of truth around your loins, and having put on the breastplate of integrity (vs. 14). Truth and integrity are two of our best defenses against the wiliness of demons. When tempted to yield to a demon's control, first stick with the facts; insist on remaining in touch with the truth. For instance, if the Jerk demon comes to you saying, Just run away; what good does it do to try?, wearing the belt of truth you might think: Well, in truth, I do see that trying can sometimes work; running away every time is certainly not productive. In the face of this subtle temptation by the Jerk demon, you have stood your ground by being truthful with yourself.

 

If a Queenly person is tempted by a Slave demon with such a sly question as: Why don't you just go ahead and do it yourself; that will be easier than nurturing..., she might, if wearing her truth belt, think: Yes, it would be easier initially, but I also know something about the longer range dangers of acting like a Slave. In this type of truthful thinking, she armors herself against the temptation to give in to a destructive pattern of behavior, namely, the Slave demon.

 

Integrity means oneness or wholeness, as contrasted with division or multiplicity. Paul's breastplate of integrity involves the protection inherent in such an awareness. Translating his figure of speech, we may say: Use your own integrity to guard against demonic invasions.


For example, if one in the role of King is tempted by the Coward demon with such a ploy as: Careful now; let's not make waves. You don't really want to do that. We wouldn't want to offend anyone, a person maintaining integrity (oneness) might think: Hey, wait a minute; what's this 'we' business? I am only one person and I do want this. Hopefully I won't seem too offensive, but this is my choice. By keeping contact with his integrity, the person stands firm, resisting the temptation of the Coward demon.

 

Armoring may be extended to include outside resources such as friends or counselors. Feeling the temptations of any demon, you may support your stand by calling on human allies for help. Picking up the phone to call a friend and discuss an attack by a demon (even if the friend doesn't understand demon language) can be effective protection, a good form of passive resistance against giving in to a demon. An appointment with a counselor may also be good armoring for the difficult challenges of standing up to a tempting demon.

 

This first form of resistance is an essential, but only temporary solution. In standing your ground, rather than immediately giving in, status quo is maintained. Hanging in, tying a knot in your rope and hanging on, is a necessary first step. The demon may still be present, continually tempting you to give in to his particular form of possession; but at least there is still someone present to confront him.

 

At this point in resistance, the temptation to project your demons or to blame another person for evoking them can be expected. The courage required to stand up to a demon can easily be evaded by these common forms for avoiding personal responsibility. In projection, one, in effect, sees his own shadowed demon reflected in another person, but reacts as though it were actually out there. It is like getting angry at a mirror for a reflected image you don't like. Such a wronged second party speaks out in a song: You're just accusing me of what you're doing yourself.

 

Examples of this escape from responsibility include: a Tyrant possessed King getting angry at a child for a minor offense. His own Tyrannical demon is seen reflected in the child's misbehavior. One possessed by Super-mom may see another person as assuming too much responsibility, thus glancing her own demon out there. Princes turned into Martyrs often think that others are being too sacrificial. Wimps are likely to see passivity in someone else, while Witches easily assume that others are out to get them.

 

Even if you do recognize your own possession at the time, blaming someone else for causing it may still be tempting. One possessed by the SOB demon, for instance, may excuse his own possession by saying, I wouldn't be this way is you hadn't spoken to me as you did. A mother possessed by a Slave demon can easily excuse herself because the children are so messy. A Jerk indulging in his Poor Little Me habit can be self-righteous by blaming his girl friend for resisting his advances. And so on.

 

When a person feels completely incapable of confronting a demon directly, strategic retreat may become a temporarily useful form of resistance. Instead of being drawn into a battle with a particular demon in which you are likely to be defeated, a careful withdrawal for a time, allowing yourself to regroup forces, cool down, or simply get in a better frame of mind, is a wiser course.

 

Such positive retreats (to be distinguished from merely running away and thereby indulging the cowardly type demons) may take such forms as going for a walk, taking a nap, going to a movie, watching a TV program, reading a book, doing a hobby, or any other activity in which you have learned to relax. The important issue is not the activity itself, but that it be consciously chosen as a form of temporary retreat. It should be like going to sleep at night in order to be more capable of work in the morning.

 

If the tempting demon appears in a relationship with another person in which their behavior (or demons) invites your own, a temporary withdrawal may be in order. Excuse me, but I can tell I am getting unreasonable; I think I'll go for a walk. It's time for me to take a break; let's pick up the conversation later. What you are saying evokes such strong feelings that I think I need a breather. Let's have a cup of coffee. If no words seem reasonable at the time, better to remain silent than risk giving over to possession by one's own demon.


Because any withdrawal from the presence of another, either physical or verbal in nature, is apt to be taken as abandonment or a power play, give an explanation when you can. Let the person know that you are retreating to take care of yourself rather than leaving them personally. It won't change the fact, but it may soften any possibly negative effects by clarifying the issue of your departure. To make such a strategic retreat less threatening, you may do something socially acceptable, such as, go to the rest room. Excuse me for a moment, while I go to the rest room, allowing you to collect your wits rather than act out a demon, is better than, for example, bringing an SOB into the encounter.

 

TALKING BACK TO DEMONS

 

RESISTANCE, the third phase of dealing with demons, is escalated when you are able to become inwardly verbal, to talk back to a particular demon from a position of personal power. This can only occur successfully after you have moved through phases one and two. First you must recognize your demon as a demon (preferably, name it personally). Then respect the destructive power of the demon (they are not to be treated lightly) as well as your own temptation to avoid even a positive change such as ending a habitual possession. Finally, you may dare to risk talking back.


Talking back to a demon can be a powerful form of encounter, requiring much courage. The dangers are great since most demons are adroit with words, artfully using them to their own advantage. Once a demon overcomes you verbally, the next time of confrontation may be even more difficult. Consequently, you should approach a verbal encounter with a demon carefully.

 

But even with the dangers, this form of resistance can be effective in an exorcism. Here are some guidelines: First, name the demon in order to clarify your own dis-identification from him. As noted previously, as long as you are personally identified with a particular demon you cannot effectively encounter him. Thinking it is you, you are in a double-bind with any possible confrontation. Before talking back becomes possible this dis-identification, this awareness that the demon is not you, needs to be confirmed.


Calling the demon by name is one such confirmation. When you name your demon--Wimp, Slave, Witch, or Jerk--anything other than your own name, you begin with the awareness that you are speaking to something which is essentially foreign to you. Okay, Wimp, you might say, for example, to this voice from within, I hear you tempting me. Or, Well hello, Super-mom; I realize you are here. If you have advanced to personal names, use them: "Hello, Ducky, you Wimp you." "Well, I do believe I hear the Wicked Witch of the West."

 

There is, of course, a social stigma against talking to yourself, often considered to be a sign of craziness. He is talking to himself; that's a bad sign. If you have any reservations about this phenomenon of internal dialogue, remember that you are not literally talking to yourself, but to a foreign form of power now resident in your mind.


A second guideline is: Bring reason to the inward conversation. Respond to the demon's demands with logical evidence from your experience. "Yes, Coward, I realize that you think I should be quiet lest I offend someone, but I remember what has happened previously when I held my tongue. Things only got worse." "Well, Miss Bitch, I hear you telling me to complain about his behavior, and I confess I am tempted to, but I also know that he is very likely to take it personally, avoiding me even more." "I hear you, Slave; you tempt me to do it for them. But if I do, all they learn is to depend on me even more."

 

Instead of simply giving in to the demand of the demon, be reasonable with him. Recall your experience in similar events and tell the demon what you have learned before. If no such evidence comes to mind, think of what you have read on the subject. Does the advice of others support going along with the demon? In the absence of personal experience or other authoritative information on the subject, simply be logical. Does it make sense to you, in spite of how tempting it may seem, to follow the demon's direction?


For instance, if your demon says, Get even with him; don't let him get away with that, think before you call him a dirty name. Is it reasonable that hitting back will stop the fight? Would you be inclined to listen to anyone calling you dirty names? Or to one who counterattacks? If your reasoning tells you to hold your tongue, then your internal response to the demon might be: Okay, Mr. SOB (if this is your demon), I get your message to strike back; however, I don't think this will help my cause just now. If I call him a dirty name, probably he will call me another one. That will hardly help this situation. I think I'll just hold my tongue for the time.

 

Finally, after reasoning with a demon, a direct confrontation, an authoritative order, may be given if you have established your personal power at the time. Reasons may even be skipped over when you feel capable of verbally contradicting a demon. An authoritative, No, I will not do that, or, Yes, I will, or simply a, Get away from me, may be all that is required in resisting the demon. In this latter case however, you must have the courage to say what you mean and mean what you say. These nos, yeses, or go-a-ways cannot be threats only. Embraced personal power is necessary for such effective responses to a demon. Otherwise a powerful demon may turn them against you, leaving you even more under its control.

 

A review of the Biblical account of Jesus' encounter with a demon supports these guidelines. As recorded by Luke in Chapter four, Jesus first dis-identified himself from his demon. He recognized that the temptations were from something foreign to himself, a force he should properly resist. He called the demon, Satan.


The demon first tempted Jesus to indulge in magic: Order this stone to turn into a loaf of bread. Jesus refused and quoted an authority to support his case against giving in to the demon: It is written, man shall not live by bread alone... In another event the demon tempted him to act irresponsibly (to throw himself off a wall and hope that angels would keep him from falling).


Again Jesus refused to follow, and gave his reasons: The scripture says, you shall not tempt the Lord your God. More boldly, the demon tempted Jesus to fall down and worship him. To this audacious demand, Jesus spoke authoritatively: Get behind me, Satan! Or, as we might say, Get away and leave me alone. Thus we see that Jesus talked back to the demon; he reasoned, quoted authorities which contradicted the demons demands, and finally confronted the demon with a counter demand of his own.

 

I can imagine a present day parallel to such encounters. Coming in frustrated from the office or a date, one might be tempted by the magic of food. Go to the refrigerator and have some ice cream, a demon might say; that will make you feel better. To this voice one might reasonably reply: Thank's anyway, but I'm already overweight; and besides, there's more to life than eating.


Or, when tired, in a hurry, and tempted to do something foolish, like driving 90 miles an hour, a demon might come saying, Go ahead. Hit that accelerator; you're special. Nothing can happen to you. A reasonable response might be: That sounds great, but actually I'm an ordinary person, not someone special. I know better than to tempt the odds. Then again, when things seem really bad and one gets the ultimate temptation from a demon cloaked as a Beautiful Princess or a Knight in Shining Armor: You can be on top of the world if you'll just bow down and worship me, a person might muster courage and counter: Certainly you do tempt me, Subtle One, but get away. I know better than to seek my happiness from another person.

 

Interestingly, Luke notes in conclusion that the demon then departed from Jesus for a season. From this description we may draw support for our guidelines for resisting and talking back to a demon--dis-identify first and name the demon; then talk back. Be reasonable, quote written authorities to support your stand, and finally, make counter demands of your own. Sometimes it works.


But even then the last sentence in verse 13 should keep us alert. There are no final victories, no once-for-all-time encounters with demons. Predictably they keep coming back. We overcome for a season, but the attentive person can anticipate a possible return of any demon at some future time of personal weakness. Hopefully, however, we strengthen our resistance and more fully establish ourselves with each such successful confrontation with a demon.

 

Whenever a demon has been RECOGNIZED, RESPECTED, and RESISTED, the next appropriate step is to look for the angel which the demon has tried to replace. This process will be amplified later after further explanation of angels.

 

PERSONAL EXORCISM

 

With these understandings, we turn now to the practice of exorcism--that is, applying the principles to you personally. This second step in dealing with demons, the practical part, may be broken down into the three stages noted above: RECOGNITION, RESPECT, RESISTANCE--the three R's. RECOGNITION, naming your personal demons, comes first.

 

RECOGNITION

 

The first thing to do is to name your own predictable demons and learn to understand them. Turn to your Overall Profile Sheet and look at your Score #7 (Age-related capacity demon; either God, Saint, Doll, or Brat). Read again the description of this demon.

 

Next look at your Score #9 (Gender-related capacity demon; either S.O.B., Wimp, Patsy, or Witch). Read the description of this demon.

 

Continue with your role demons also: Score #11 (major role demon).


Now for a summary, look at your Scores #13 and 14, Inner and Outer Circle Demons. Which is higher? If your #13 Score, Inner Circle Demons, is higher, you are probably more tempted by demons which put you down, telling you that you are less than you actually are. You are likely to be tempted to act more impotent than you are. If your #14 Score is higher, you may be more tempted by those demons which call you to overestimate your actual capacities and responsibilities. In this case, omnipotence rather than impotence is likely to be your problem.


Now you face again the possible limitations of the tests you have taken. Perhaps they have measured you accurately; perhaps not. In either case your own personal knowledge of yourself should be considered before assuming you have named your most predictable demons. Before proceeding, you may choose to read about the other demons to see if you think the test results are accurate or if you are more tempted by other demons.

 

Begin by reviewing the Demon Dictionary and look at the chart on Primary Characteristics. If any of these named demons seem more familiar to you, turn to the further explanations and see if they better describe your experience.

 

Probably you will feel more familiar with either the Inner or Outer Circle Demons (Scores # 13 or 14). At one time or the other you may have experienced many of these demons, first one and then another. As a general rule, one or another of the opposing demons for each capacity and role are more common for a person. However, when pressed far enough in any difficult situation, the less familiar opposite demon becomes predictable. For example, if a Princess who is more commonly possessed by a Maid demon is pushed too hard, she may find herself switching to Bitch (opposite of Maid).


Consequently, in trying to pin point your particular demons, expect some confusion. Many of them may be familiar when you look at different situations you confront in life.

 

Even though you may eventually come to confront many or all of these demons, begin by naming those which seem to you, based on your tests and personal evaluation of your own experience, most common. If adding your evaluation of yourself to the test scores leads you to a different answer, change blanks #7 - #12 on the Overall Profile Sheet. Then correct your Overall Profile Picture and refigure Scores A and B.

 

After you have named and learned to RECOGNIZE the demons you are most likely to confront, you are ready for steps two and three: RESPECT, and RESIST. For guidelines in practice, reread the explanations given above while thinking of your personal demons as revealed in your test scores and own evaluation.

 

Then begin applying the guidelines in real situations in your life. RESPECTING the power of your demons, practice RESISTANCE until you succeed in getting the upper hand on each of them. Exorcism may take a long time and much hard work; still, any degree of success will be well worth the effort.

 

3. LISTEN FOR YOUR CAPACITY ANGELS

 

Step 3 is an expansion of the process you began while learning to RESIST your demons. Now you confront the process directly. Angels represent those parts of your larger self which are less embraced and activated in your daily living. Your Score #2 (Overall Profile Sheet) represents your least accepted capacity as revealed in your testing. Your Score #3 (Mid-range capacities) indicates your lessor accepted capacities. Probably you are accustomed to projecting them on to other persons or getting others to represent them for you. In this phase of your homework you will begin to withdraw any such projections and expand the capacities within yourself.

 

Most people consciously identify themselves with their most accepted capacities. If, for instance you scored highest as Youth and Female (B and D, on Test # 1), indicating an acceptance of capacities in these areas, you will likely see yourself as playful and tender (plus other related traits). Your minor capacities (Scores #2 and 3) will, of course, be less aware to you. You will probably not think of yourself as Adult and Male (responsible and firm).

 

These less embraced, and therefore less recognized as you, capacities are represented by your angels. If you have accepted your femininity (Score D, Test 1), your masculinity will be your angel or shadowed self. Or vice versa. If you have accepted your Youth capacity (your playful self), your angel will be your Adult, or, having accepted your responsible self, your angel will be your Youth.

 

Everyone's homework in becoming more completely themselves includes embracing their shadowed selves--that is, heeding their angels. Whatever your particular profile may be, you, if you wish to become more whole, must face the challenges of accepting those parts of yourself which are now unrecognized or seen in reflection only. You must heed your angels in order to more completely become who you are.

 

What does this mean? It means that you must expand both your conscious sense of yourself as well as your actual capacities to include those common human elements which now reside outside or beyond what you think of as you--in other words, your minor capacities or shadowed self.

 

Embracing your shadow means to accept as a part of you those human capacities which have been undiscovered, denied, ruled out, projected onto others, or otherwise left dormant. If you have tried, for instance, to be just a man, that is, to function without your shadowed Female self, you will need to accept this part of your capacity. Conversely, if your Most developed score was Female, you will need to accept your Male capacities also. Your masculinity will be your angel.

 

The second part of heeding angels is adding activation to acceptance. First you must consciously allow the possibility--this is acceptance; then you face the challenges of actually activating or putting into practice the particular capacities of your unembraced self. For instance, a Most developed Male (Score C, Test 1), whose shadowed self will be Female, will first have to accept (consciously allow) that he actually has the possibility of being tender himself, like a woman. After such conscious acceptance comes the process of activating, bringing into life, the particular elements of his Female capacities. For instance, he (or she) may then learn to cry openly (an expression of tenderness), or to empathize with, instead of disciplining, a child.

 

Or, a person scoring highest as Female (Test 1, Score D), will need to consciously accept her (or his) shadowed Male capacities. After allowing the possible existence of her own capacities, for instance for firmness in disciplining children, she will then face the challenges of responding to the angel which calls for activating this capacity in daily living. Instead of telling a child who misbehaves, "Wait till your father comes home," she might, for example, heed an inclination to take charge herself and proceed with her own discipline, activating her capacity for firmness.

 

One scoring highest on the Youth scale will face the possibility of accepting his Adult shadow and activating his own capacities for responsibility. Conversely, if your highest score is Adult (Score A), your angel will be your Youth. You will need to accept your capacity for playfulness, and then to activate your spontaneity. You might learn, for example, to dance, while the Youth above learns to pay the piper.

 

Acceptance, the first step in heeding an angel, is entirely up to you. No one but you can do that. Acceptance is a matter of courage or nerve, not subject, so far as I know, to being taught. I, at least, cannot help you with step one. But if you find the courage to accept the possibility of your shadowed selves as being truly an unembraced part of you, then I can suggest exercises for step two, activating your shadow. The exercises will also take nerve, as well as energy; but they can guide your work into areas which may be productive for activating each part of our common human capacities. The exercises are not magic. They will not work for you--that is, replace the courage required for embracing your fuller self. They may, however, be useful in saving you time and effort by focusing your work in more fertile areas.

 

Before you begin the actual practice of expanding your capacities through heeding angels, two issues are particularly relevant and should be considered: first, your attitude about changing, and, second, your understanding about hearing angels. In regard to the first issue, your attitude, my recommendation is that you view any work you do in this area as ADDING TO rather than CHANGING yourself. There is nothing wrong with having major and minor capacities. If you are successful with your currently embraced capacities and satisfied with your present coping abilities, then forget this section. However, if your capacity scores are not relatively balanced, you may profit from expanding yourself in your least developed areas.

 

The key though, is expanding--ADDING TO, rather than CHANGING. You will not be giving up your major capacity as though there is something wrong with it. You will simply be expanding yourself, activating previously unaccepted parts of who you potentially are.

 

For further understanding of this point read the following section.

 

WHAT ABOUT CHANGING

 

What's wrong with me the way I am?, a business man once asked me. Why do I have to change? I'm still the way I was when she married me. She's the one who is always nagging me about 'not feeling anything' and staying home more, but then she won't come to bed at night when I do. Why can't she be the one to change? He had come for counseling primarily on his wife's initiative, and only then because he also saw their seven year marriage seriously deteriorating. It was a good question.

 

What is wrong with us the way we are? Why should we try to change? It is still a good question. Before you venture further into this what-to-do part of the book, I want to try to answer that question, as I did to him. Understanding the reason for doing these things may be even more important than any of the things which I will suggest. Trying to change for the wrong reasons can be non-productive as well as personally damaging.

 

ADDING VS. CHANGING

 

The first thing he needed to learn was that his question was misdirected the way he was asking it. Something was wrong in their marriage. But not someone. There was nothing wrong with the way either he or his wife was. But there was something missing. He was a successful male--competitive, aggressive, and productive. Their bank accounts were healthy and growing. Magnificent deer heads lined his study walls. She was a successful female--cooperative, yielding, and helpful. Their freezers were well filled. The house was beautiful.


He was a good father; she, a good mother. Their three happy, growing children were sufficient testimony. But they were increasingly unhappy together. He had begun to spend more time at the office during the week, and in the woods on the weekend. She had joined a bridge club--she needed conversation, and was beginning to read romance novels compulsively at night. They hardly said anything personal to each other anymore.


Something was wrong indeed. They both knew, correctly, that something was missing. Incorrectly, each thought that the something wrong was the other, and wished that their spouse would change.

 

The first phase of my work with him involved getting his question right,--helping him come to understand that, in spite of what his wife thought, there was nothing wrong with his masculine self. He didn't need to change the way he was. But he did need to add to the way he is.


Like so many males in our society, he had grown up with the ideal of being a man, understood to mean being successful--making money, coming out on top--above all, not being a sissy or anything else associated with femininity. In his book of requirements for a male, tears were a sign of weakness and soft was synonymous with bad. Within this limited ideal, he was successful. He was a fierce competitor, always on top of things; he had never cried, he said, as least when anyone could see him, and certainly he was anything but a softie. He truly was a good man. He did not need to change that.

 

But, unfortunately, in his quest for manhood he had forgotten about personhood. While diligently involved in embracing masculinity, he had ignored those other elements of our common humanity which lie outside Maleness. Specifically, he knew almost nothing about tenderness. He expected his wife to, as he said, take care of things like that. After all, he had added, she is the mother.

 

She, incidentally, coming from a different perspective, saw things in the opposite way from him. Also a child of our society, she had grown up with the ideals of being a good girl--prim and proper, nice, and above all, deferring to males. Her mother had been a good teacher. Later her goal had shifted to being a good wife and mother--yielding, tending, feeding, taking care of the house and children, plus her husband's fragile ego. This latter responsibility had often meant pretending that she had no mind of her own, acting like she couldn't see what was happening all along. In summary, being soft; certainly not doing anything, as she had told me in her first counseling session, to disturb the waters. She had been a masterful peacemaker.


Insisting that he come for counseling had, she said, been the first time she dared cross him on a big issue. Her anxiety had been apparent, almost to the point of terror. She had feared that he would leave me first.

 

But there he sat before me, wondering why he had to change. In time he came to realize what I am trying to say to you now. He did not need to change. He needed to add what was missing--specifically for him, his own unembraced femininity.

 

Understanding the difference between changing, which commonly implies that one is not good enough the way he (or she), is, and adding what is missing can be crucial. The danger lies in the fact that many of us have identified ourselves with only our embraced capacities. He, in embracing his Maleness, had come to believe that he was only Male--that Male was all he was. His sense of himself, his identity and integrity, was tied up and limited to masculinity. To ask him to change was, in effect, to ask him to give up being who he was--at least as he believed himself to be. For him, to be soft--a sissy, was tantamount to losing himself. Dying is the only human event which compares to the threat of losing oneself. And even death is a weak comparison.

 

To cry, for instance--an easy and natural event for his wife, was no small matter for him. Not just the shedding of tears; he could cry alone (though even that was threatening), but to be caught crying--to be seen being unmanly, a cry baby, as he called it, was the same as losing his masculinity, which for him, was himself. In other words, the normal event of crying for her was, in effect, like dying for him. Small wonder that he, like so many other men, clung desperately to his often shaky courage.

 

The problem was particularly acute in their marriage because it mattered a great deal to him that she love me for what I am. And what I am meant to him, his Maleness, his sense of himself. He, like most of us, wanted to be loved for what he was, not for what he wasn't. He knew that she wanted him to be more emotional with her. But what she didn't know was that this meant, to him, being a sissy, which, in terms of his integrity (his embraced capacities), meant losing himself. Many a man such as he thinks that if he loses control (gets emotional) he will cease being a man. In other words, as dumb as it sounds, if he cries, he dies--or so he thinks.

 

Naturally he couldn't understand, if she loved him like she said she did, why she would want him to change. And probably, if she had understood what it meant to him, she wouldn't. What I knew then, through months of prior counseling with her, and what he had yet to learn, was that the opposite was true for her.

 

Just as he had identified himself with masculinity, so she, with years of practice, had identified herself with femininity. She was, literally, she thought, a woman; and although she hated the phrase when she heard it, she believed she was just a woman. When any feelings which she had identified with men--the urge to win, to argue with him when she thought he was wrong, to prove herself right--arose within her, she was personally threatened. This isn't like me, she had told me, to want to hit him. In tears of shame and guilt she had confessed, as though it were a mortal sin, that she had even felt at times like hurting the children.

 

She knew that she--who she was, the essence of her being, her self, as she had come to believe--was tender, caring, and loving. She, as she told me, didn't want to hurt anybody, and certainly not her husband, for whom she had faced the wrath of her family to even date ten years before, or her children whom she loved more than life itself.

 

Furthermore, the strange sexual feelings which sometimes came to her were intensely threatening. She liked making love, she confessed, but not talking about sex. She knew that it was her duty, as she put it, and, secretly, she liked it a lot. But these other strange feelings which she had been having lately were very foreign, and not like me at all.

 

All this I knew. But he didn't. So how could he possibly understand the anger (equally unacceptable to her) which she felt when she thought he wanted her to change. Why can't he love me like I am? she had asked me months before. Using almost the same words I was later to hear from him, she had noted tearfully, I'm still the same person he fell in love with ten years ago. If I was good enough then, why not now? Why can't he accept me like I am?

 

The subject, at the time, had been her displeasure at his thinking she was unreasonable and didn't understand him when he tried to tell her about his business problems. She also knew that he was dissatisfied with her sexually, which she couldn't understand. Why is he trying to change me now?, she had asked, hoping to ease the threat with some understanding from me.

 

What he didn't understand, in his wishes that she would be more reasonable when they talked, and then act sexier after they went to bed, was what complying with his desires would mean to her. He did not know how she had identified her sense of herself--literally, her being, with her way of talking. Nor did he realize how deeply she believed herself to be (again, literally), a nice girl. And that there are things nice girls do, like make love with their husbands, but also certain things they don't do, such as, initiate sex. How could he know that changing her way of thinking, getting reasonable as he called it, and talking like he does, would be giving up who she was? How could he know that crossing that line for her, turning into a bad girl, meant the same as turning into a sissy for him?

 

Changing, when our integrity is tied to our embraced selves, is extremely dangerous. No matter how small the so-called change may appear to others, the unseen loss of self is a risk no wise person will take. His getting emotional, indeed a small matter to her, or her getting reasonable, equally small to him, were immense threats when brought to each other. When the risk of losing integrity was compounded with the possible loss of being loved for what I am, their stubbornness in refusing to change for each other was easily understandable. Small wonder they had trouble communicating with each other.

 

Fortunately, in time and with hard work on both their parts, they did come to understand--before it was too late.

 

I relate their experience here to clarify the point that this book is about adding to, not changing, what you are. All the what-to-do suggestions which follow are about embracing more of your capacities, not changing those you have already embraced. The suggestions are about accepting any unaccepted parts of yourself, not about giving up those parts which you have already accepted. The challenge he faced was not giving up the Maleness he had already embraced, but adding those elements of his femininity which he had not yet discovered. Her work lay in accepting her undiscovered capacity to be firm as well as soft, not giving up the tenderness which she already knew.

 

Our common challenge is becoming more whole, adding what-we-not-yet-are to what-we-already-are. We grow up by addition, not subtraction, not even by changing.

 

PARADOX OF OPPOSITES

 

Our language structure, and therefore our way of thinking, is based on dualities, pairs of opposites--in and out, up and down, right and left, hard and soft, and so on. Logically speaking, all such dualities are mutually exclusive; we can have one or the other, but not both. If something is in it can't be out at the same time. What is up is not down, and what is right is not left. If something is hard, certainly it is not soft.

 

This is the way our language works. And as far as languages go, it is very effective for dealing with objective reality. Unfortunately duality becomes problematic when we are dealing with ourselves. Out there opposites are mutually exclusive; in here they are not. For example, out there, in the objective world, young and old, male and female are opposites. If one is young, he is not old; and everybody knows the difference between men and women. At least we think we do.

 

The paradox of opposites is that when we start to deal with ourselves we must see beyond the way our language is structured and see the way we are made. And the two are contradictory. Out there, young and old, male and female are indeed opposites; in here, they are not. For example, hard and soft, characteristics of males and females, are opposites out there, even as are the two genders themselves. As such, they are mutually exclusive.


But inside ourselves, where we also live, the paradox is that we can be both. Hard and soft, exclusive out there, are inclusive in here. I, when I am whole, can be both hard and soft. My human capacity includes the possibility of each one. No matter how opposite and exclusive they are in our language structure and in the outside world, in my being, both are inherent. I am created capable of being both firm and yielding, and of a wonderful (full-of-wonder) mixture of the two. When I am more fully being myself, I am hard-pressed to even draw a line between the two.

 

Or to take another example: play and work, associated with young and old (children play; adults work) are distinguishable out there. Yet they become amazingly intertwined and even indistinguishable as we become more whole within. Although they are, by definition--that is, as defined by our language, opposites (play is play and work is work; but play is not work and work is not play), in human experience we discover the paradox. To the extent that we become whole, play and work merge. When we are more completely ourselves we seem to be working at our play and playing at our work. Or vice versa. And even the distinctions between the ages, so easy to measure out there, seem to disappear. The young often seem very old; and we aging ones may sometimes feel very young.

 

In setting up dualities, we unfortunately may add judgments to our noted differences. These increase the problems related to becoming whole. For example, strong and weak are opposites. In logic, they are mutually exclusive. If you are strong, you are not weak, and if you are weak, you are not strong. But then we may also add judgment to difference. Men commonly judge strong to be good and weak to be bad. Women likewise, though often less consciously, may accept their weakness as good and reject any signs of overt strength, especially within themselves, as bad. Consequently, men may become extremely fearful of the softness they identify with weakness and judge to be bad. Women may also be afraid of any signs of hardness within themselves, fearing that it means the loss of femininity.

 

In dealing with the what-to-do section of this book these intellectual errors and personal judgments may need to be faced. Remember, as you proceed, that language opposites, as illogical as it may seem, are not necessarily exclusive in human experience. You may, if you are of the male gender, embrace your Female capacities without any loss of masculinity. If you are a women genetically, you may accept your masculine capacities without any loss of femininity.

 

Judgments, of course, are more difficult to face reasonably. If you are a man who has condemned your softness as bad, or a woman who has banished your hardness to the same realm, you will have to deal with your judgments as you face the possibility of embracing the capacities which they cover. If you have condemned your Youth capacity for play as frivolous, or come to think of work as a curse, you will obviously face additional challenges. However, the rewards of increased wholeness are, I think, well worth such prices. If you are willing to pay them, proceed with considering my suggestions, not for changing yourself, as though you are not good enough as you are, but for adding to your present self, so that you may become more than you now are, increasing your satisfactions with life as it is and you as you may be.

 


HOW TO HEAR ANGELS

 

Before beginning your practice you may wish to further clarify your understanding about listening for angels. If so, read the following sections: Voices Of Angels, Sources Of Angels, Hearing Angels, Challenges in Hearing Angels, and Answering Angels. If not, skip to Heeding Angels.

 

VOICES OF ANGELS

 

In the presence of angels, how are we to hear them? Are their voices to be heard with our ears? Do decibels of sound fall on our eardrums, as when our friends speak? Would a tape recorder be able to receive a message from an angel? Should we leave the answering machine on, in case they call while we are out?

 

Of course not--except when angels speak to us through the voices of our friends. Even then, a tape recorder would only receive the words of the person, not the message of the angel. Voices is used here as a figure of speech. The bodily sense of hearing is chosen as a representative of our human capacity to receive messages from unembraced parts of ourselves. Seeing, touching, tasting, or smelling, can also be used. It would be equally valid to speak of seeing an angel or being touched by one.


Any of the senses, or all, may be used as a figure of speech for the experience of perceiving, of getting a message which is more than a merely sense stimulus. Although an angel's voice--message--may be received through one of the bodily senses, or through the actual voice of a friend, the sense is merely the medium, not the message itself. We don't literally hear--in the auditory sense of the word--an angel speak. We do, when open to reception, receive angelic messages, which we may then refer to, metaphorically, as voices. Such a metaphorical statement as: I heard an angel's voice, could also be worded as: An angel came to me in the night. In the second statement came implies physical presence as contrasted with physical sound. Either could be an accurate way of speaking about the reception of such a message.

 

Voices and other words for speech--hearing, listening, being told, spoken to--are often selected because we are more accustomed to the use of language than, say vision, in referring to messages received. Perhaps it would be more accurate and less confusing if we postulated a sixth sense for speaking about the perception of angelic messages. I got the message though my sixth sense; I didn't actually hear a recordable voice.

 

This use of bodily language is similar to such colloquial statements as: My heart says I ought to..., or, I just felt in my bones that I should, or, My guts told me to... In each instance, body language--heart, bones, guts--is used figuratively to speak of an actual experience, not intended to mean blood pump, shin bone, or intestines. In fact, each of the above statements might be used to relate what is here called hearing the voice of an angel.

 

This kind of hearing (seeing, feeling, touching), interchangeably used for reference to reception or getting a message from an angel, is also to be distinguished from a psychological phenomenon associated with emotional disturbance. Hallucinations, visual or auditory--seeing figures not present or hearing imaginary voices--though often stated in similar language, are not the same as our subject here. Hallucinations are in the category of mental illness; hearing angels is in the category of personal health. The more emotionally disturbed one becomes, the more he may hallucinate; the more spiritually healthy one becomes, the more likely he is to hear angels speak.

 

 

To summarize: voices is used as a figure of speech, as though the physical act of speaking were personified, for a form of perception not literally associated with any particular sense. One might hear an angel's voice even if he were deaf, or see an angel though his eyes were closed. The actual experience is translated into sense language because we have as yet developed no common language for these personal experiences.


That this language is metaphorical does not mean, however, that the actual senses are not often involved in perceiving an angel. As noted, one may hear an angel while listening to the voice of a friend, or while hearing the music on a record. Or, while watching a sunset, one may see an angel appear. While holding a child in your arms, you may also be touched by an angel. Any sense experience may be the medium for angelic perception.

Conversely, such a hearing--perception of an angel--may occur when no sense experience is involved. While deeply asleep, oblivious to outward sights, sounds, smells, or touches, an angel may choose to visit. In either case, angelic messages are to be distinguished from any sense experience or absence of same. Always the language of body--hearing, coming, going, feeling, seeing--is being used metaphorically when the reference is to angels. Otherwise the talk is about some form of mental disturbance, such as hallucinations.

 

Though not literally from the senses, angel perceptions are, in fact, real, not an imaginary phenomenon of the mind only. Angels are not made up or created in fantasy, like ghosts or hallucinations. Though difficult to convey in a language primarily geared for sense phenomena, these encounters with angels are, if experiences be graded, even more real than meeting a person or hearing a friend's voice. The fact that they are not subject to being recorded with a tape machine, or photographed with a camera, means only that they are more complex than single sense experiences--not less real, but more real.

 

The personification (another figure of speech) of heart, when disassociated from popular notions of romantic love, may be better than a personification of hearing, for conveying the import of angelic messages. In the story, THE LITTLE PRINCE, the Fox tells this truth:


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.


Heart here is, of course, a figure of speech. One does not see with the mechanical pump (heart) in his chest. And yet there is a seeing which is greater or more than that of the eye only. This awareness, this seeing rightly, is also subject to being spoken of, as well as done. Historically, the heart has long been recognized as essential to life. Removing it kills. Consequently it can be used as a synonym for life or that which is more than any single sense experience.


In this use of language we might say that angels speak to our hearts. We hear them in our hearts rather than just in our ears or minds. Angels come to our depths, another metaphor to contrast with shallow messages to our heads only. In the Bible the Apostle Paul confronted this same language problem in II Corinthians 4:18:


We look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.

 

Taken literally, his statement is senseless. How can we see what is not seen? But in an attempt to speak of deep experiences of the heart, eternal things like seeing an angel, such language is excellent--as long as we don't take it literally.

 

These language problems may need to be confronted if you are to understand angel talk reasonably. In all that follows, words commonly related to physical senses are to be taken metaphorically, as a way of speaking about real human experiences, vital in good living, yet without an acceptable language of their own. We borrow the body to speak of spirit.

 

SOURCES OF ANGELS

 

Understanding voices as a metaphor for perceiving angels through any medium, we may now examine the various sources for these messages. Where do the voices come from? Where do we go to listen best? Where should we go to be attentive if we wish to receive them?

 

Again, remember that space is also being used metaphorically. There is no geographical location where these metaphorical entities reside, and hence no literal place to go and listen for them. The question itself, Where do the voices come from?, is like asking, Where does Santa Claus live? The North Pole is also a metaphor.

 

And yet it may be useful to ask about sources of angels if we can bypass the problems which would be similar to looking for the North Pole in search of Santa Claus. Angels do appear to come from certain places or through particular mediums. If we wish to hear angels speak, we may be attentive to these places or avenues.

 

To begin, the five basic bodily senses are primary ways of perceiving angels. Though we have focused on hearing as a main metaphor, using the noun, voice, each of the other four senses may serve equally well for the actual event of hearing, that is, getting the message of an angel. Looking--using the sense of sight, or touching, or smelling, or tasting, may also be the avenues for getting a message from an angel. For example, looking at a sunset or a beautiful flower may open the door of perception to an angel. Engrossed in watching the colors of the setting sun, you may perceive a message from an angel. If would then be more appropriate to speak of seeing--using sight as a metaphor, than of hearing an angel.

 

Or, angelic messages may come through the sense of touch. While touching a delicate flower petal--or feeling the soft underside of a mushroom, or lying cozily under a warm blanket on a winter night--angels may be perceived through the avenue of physical touch. Smelling fresh-baked bread, or a newly opened flower may bring an angel's message. The taste of delicious food may be such a medium. In these latter examples we could say that an angel comes through our noses of mouths. We get the angel through smell or taste.

 

I once expressed in a poem entitled, Happy Avocados, such an experience related to me by a friend. With embarrassment she had described an incredible (to her) happening while peeling an avocado for a salad. She experienced an intense degree of awareness while feeling the skin of that fruit. My later written poem was this:

 


Isn't it stupid,

 she said,

 I felt an avocado.

 It was almost too silly

to tell

 it seemed.

 

But was it really?

 

Is it stupid

 to feel an avocado?

 

Or

is it lost

 not to be able to?

 

Who could know an angel

 who couldn't feel an avocado?

 

Happy Avocados!

 

I think she met an angel through her sense of touch. But, lacking any acceptable language for voicing such an experience, she could only say, I felt an avocado. It did sound stupid to her, given her knowledge about the significance of the actual happening. Who would understand what the event meant to her if she simply said, I was making a salad yesterday and I felt an avocado? This difficulty in speaking about such awesome experiences is one of the reasons for personifying angels.


Sometimes these happenings are perceived through such single sense experiences--a touch, sight, sound, or smell. In each of them we could say that one has been visited by an angel, that is, has touched, seen, heard, or smelled an angel. Using space as a metaphor we could say that the angel came through these physical senses.

 

The brain may also be used, metaphorically speaking, to describe such events. Specifically, the right and left hemispheres, the human capacities to be intuitive (right-brained) and logical (left-brained), are also avenues through which our angels may speak to us. These right hemisphere brain activities, commonly described as feelings, impressions, urges, or intuitions, may be a way to hear angel voices.


I have been resisting this urge to paint again, one person said in describing what I believed to be an event of hearing one of her angels. Though resisting, she had heard the voice of an angel through her own urge. Another person said: I've been feeling like I ought to make a change. I think that feeling like was a message from an angel through her own right brain.

 

Similar events might be expressed as: I keep getting the impression that..., or, My intuitive feeling is that... I don't know where it is coming from, one person said to me, but something keeps telling me that I have gone down the wrong path. I think that that something was an angel speaking to her through her own right brain. Others have voiced similar events as, My guts tell me..., I have this feeling in my bones that I ought to..., My heart says I am doing the wrong thing, I just know, in spite of all logic, that I am doing what I should, I know it sounds crazy, but I feel called to speak up. Each of these statements can be ways of speaking in colloquial language about the coming of angels.

 

Dreaming can also be a medium for angels. From the depths of sleep one may hear these messengers from unembraced capacities. While the mind is freed from the demands of logic and reason, the right hemisphere may become a broad path for these voices which might otherwise be dismissed as senseless by the logical left brain.

 

Yet the left hemisphere may also be the way they come. The human capacity (here identified with Male) for weighing data logically, in spite of how one feels about it, can be an avenue for angels. Our ability to be reasonable--to look at things objectively and unemotionally, to consider prior experience, to weigh facts and consequences--is another of the sources of angels. When they seem to be silent in all sense experiences, when no intuitive answers come, when even our dreams are forgotten, angels may come through our left brains. The voice of reason can be the voice of an angel.

 

If senses and brain can be the source of angels, so can emotions and desires. The human capacity to feel, not just right brained intuitions, but lower brained emotions--anger, fear, grief, and excitement--is also a possible avenue for our angels. For example, an angel may speak through a feeling of fear. When all logical thinking says there is nothing to be afraid of, still we may have a feeling of fear, a primitive emotion which calls attention to a reality beyond that which is apparent. Angels can speak through fear.

 

Or anger. When eyes and ears and conscious thoughts tell us there is no reason to get mad, still an uncontrollable emotion of anger may rise within. Such an unreasonable feeling can be one of our angels trying to get our attention, calling us a larger degree of awareness.

 

And so with other emotions. An uncontrollable feeling of sadness, when no conscious cause is recognized, may be an avenue for an angel calling you to confront a loss which is real, though yet unseen. Or, gladness welling up within, even at a sad occasion like a funeral, can be an angel's call to heed a reality beyond death itself. Any emotion can be the source of an angel's voice.

 

Deeper than sensations, thoughts, and emotions, there is the realm of primitive desire--urges, wants, cravings, lusts. Though commonly suppressed and socially controlled because of the immense power which resides here, this dimension of human capacity can also be a source of angels. Angels may come through our desires.


Though labeled and judged by society and religion as dangerous, wrong, bad, or evil, still these deep-seated cravings can be the avenue for voices that call us to essential parts of human capacity. What seems, for example, to be but a base lust, a sexual desire which is socially unacceptable, legally punishable, and religiously wrong, may at the same time be the voice of an angel calling us to an as yet unrealized possibility for wholeness and communion with the ultimate in reality.

 

Outside individual capacities for sensing, thinking, feeling, and wanting, any other person or event in the world may be the source of an angel's call to us. For example, the voice of a friend may also bring, when we hear well, the voice of an angel. While listening to what a friend is saying you may hear a call which is more than the words themselves. The sight of a friend's face may be a glimpse of an angel. The touch of their hand may be a touching of heart.


Each of the events of a friendship may become a happening which calls us to the fullness of an unembraced potential within ourselves. When so, they are sources of angels. Our friends and our encounters with them may be the way these voices of denied capacities come to us in daily life. And so with any other event in the outside world. No human happening, within or without, is beyond the possibility of being a source of visitation by the angels.

 

HEARING ANGELS

 

We have affirmed the reality and presence of angels. They have been named and their sources examined. Now we consider the actual events of hearing, that is, perceiving the presence of angels, wherever they may come from. What are the events of hearing like? When do they occur? How can we recognize such happenings if they do occur? What is required for hearing an angel? How can we improve our hearing?

 

First, recall that hearing is a metaphor for encounter, for perceiving or getting the message in whatever form it may come. How to listen means how to recognize or grasp an angel's message, how to consciously know that one has been spoken to. The presence of angels is a given; this is about how to grasp their givenness, about our part in such an encounter. This metaphorical hearing may actually be with the eyes or hands, through thinking--right or left brained--or through feeling, wanting, or encountering some person or event in the outside world.

 

We dealt with space in the previous section on sources, noting that angels can come to us, in effect, from anywhere--from inside or outside our skins. How about time? When may they come? The answer is the same: anytime. Angels know no schedule, have no clock or calendar. They may come at high noon or in the dead of night. They may come when we are awake and alert, or when we are deep in sleep.


We can be in the midst of conversation or silently daydreaming alone. Their visits may be often or seldom. We may hear them regularly or rarely. Time is irrelevant to angels. Anytime is a possible time; no time is a guaranteed time. We have no grasp or control over the time when an angel may speak to us. Any place, any time, an angel may come.

 

How do we recognize an angel's voice? How can we know when we are being spoken to? How can these events be described? Two elements are common to all such encounters: first, the voices seem to be from outside or beyond ourselves. They appear to come from elsewhere. Although they are actually from our unembraced human capacities, calling us to the fuller becoming of who we potentially are, this is not the way it seems to be.


Literally, our angels are already present, but because they are yet unrecognized as parts of our selves, they always seem to be from without. They appear to be foreign or different from our presently perceived selves. We do not recognize, at first, the voices as our own. We do not realize that the angels are us, potentially.

 

So, a clue to angelic encounters is that they always seem to be from outside or other than ourselves. The voice may appear to be that of a friend, if that is the circumstance of the angelic meeting. We may mistake the angel's voice for that of the person speaking to us. Or, if we are alone, we may wonder, Where did that come from? If we are asleep and dreaming, we may imagine that the dream is trying to tell me something.


If an angel speaks through music, we may think that the song is speaking to us. If the angel comes through visual rather than auditory sense, we may think, for example, that the sunset is inspiring me, that is, that the colors of the sky are telling me something. If an angel speaks through the presence of a lover, we may believe that he or she is turning me on. Always, on immediate perception, an angel's voice seems to be from beyond ourselves.


A second clue is that the voices seem to be received or heard by an equally foreign source within. Because the human capacity from which they speak is as yet unaccepted, we cannot recognize that part of us which hears the voice as ourselves either. When alert we know that something has happened within us, but it seems strange or unfamiliar to our commonly accepted self. Something within is awakened or called to; some part of us is spoken to, yet that part seems as foreign as does the voice which calls.

 

We don't know where the message is coming from or who it is going to. All we can truthfully say, if we are honest and choose to acknowledge the event, is that something speaks to me from I-don't-know-where to I-don't-know-what. The event is wonderful, yet mysterious.


Though we may erroneously identify the source as a sight, sound, or other person, we do not truly know where the voice comes from or what it is within us that gets the message. At the time of the event, both the source and receiver of an angel's voice are equally unknown. We do not know where they come from or are going to, that is, who speaks or who hears. All we know, if we dare, is that something significant has happened.

 

When we maintain rather than dismiss such an awareness, another clue is predictable. Often an angel's message is denied or suppressed immediately, since it does not make sense at once. Where did that come from? Or, That dream is weird. I can't believe I thought that. If, however, one evades an early rejection because he doesn't immediately understand what the message means, then an increased sense of personal reality is likely to occur. One's truer name will be called.


On the emotional, if not rational, level the message will feel right. One will sense that his larger or more real self has been spoken to. Even if the message doesn't make sense, you will feel good about it. Because angel messages are both from and to one's unembraced capacities, when entertained, they are personally confirming.

 

Though others may not understand, one who listens carefully realizes the deeper truthfulness of the event. It makes sense; it is confirming, on a deeper than rational level. For example, if an angel speaks through one's emotion of anger, he may at first wonder: Where did that feeling come from? Reasoning consciously he may conclude: I don't have any reason to feel angry. She didn't mean to hurt me. But if he remains conscious of the awareness, daring to feel the anger even if it seems unreasonable at first, he will in time recognize the rightness of the feeling.


He will be personally confirmed, deepened, make more of a person, when he accepts the anger as real even though it is illogical. Angel messages, though they seem foreign or wrong (not me) at first, always lead to a greater sense of self in time. The one they come to is increased or expanded when he dares to receive the message. Such an expression as, In my heart I know it is the truth, may voice this awareness. Or, one may say, It doesn't seem like me, but in my bones (guts) it feels right. If the angel has appeared in a dream, and been heard, one may say: The dream doesn't make sense to me, but I know it's trying to tell me something which is real.

 

After any reception of an angel's message, even when it is disturbing to reason or upsetting to outward circumstances, one who hears feels more like himself, like he is being true to himself. For example, if the call is to say something which seems unreasonable to a person who may get their feelings hurt, and one dares to say it anyway, he will feel affirmed in the speaking. He will feel right about having said it, even if the other person does not understand or disagrees. Received angel messages affirm one's larger or deeper self. Always one is more himself, expanded as a person, more human or real, after responding to the message from an angel.

 


CHALLENGES IN HEARING ANGELS

 

The major challenge in hearing angels is the nerve required to listen. Their promptings seem to be common and predictable, once one is available for hearing. But for those accustomed to screening all messages through the filter of logical sense, receiving an angel's voice can be a considerable challenge to reason. In the light of sense-making, the only acceptable use of this language is in labeling the hallucinations of emotionally disturbed persons. Mentally ill people often say they hear angels and talk to Jesus. For any sane person to even allow the possibility of hearing an angel, he must get beyond this familiar use of religious language by those who are, in some measure, out of their minds.

 

Once past the threat of sounding crazy about thinking of hearing an angel, we face the deeper challenges of confronting the unknown. Since angel voices seem to come from beyond or outside ourselves, we cannot face even their existence without giving up the illusion of controlling reality by mental grasp. The risks of openness to the unknown, plus the nerve to not know, call for considerable courage. The confidence which many of us, particularly men, place in reasonableness or left-brained knowledge is immense. To face going beyond this type of knowledge, to entertaining that which cannot be scientifically proven, takes an uncommon amount of nerve unless one is emotionally disturbed. This is precisely the courage which is required by all who dare to hear angels speak.

 

Those who are oriented and identified with their left brains, usually men, may have an even more difficult time with facing the unknown than are those more familiar with trusting intuition or feelings. Females more commonly fall in the latter group. Consequently, hearing angels and recognizing them as such may come more easily for women than for men, certainly for those who are more comfortable trusting their right rather than left brains.

 

However, with the ease granted to those who trust their right brains come additional challenges. While they are less likely to be threatened by the unknown, they must also learn to distinguish the voices of angels from the acquired messages of their own right brains. Intuitions or feelings are not synonymous with angels. This erroneous connection is easy to make. Impressions from the right-hemisphere of the brain, like angel voices, also seem to be from the unknown. Unlike right brain impulses, angel voices are from unembraced capacities rather than from the socialization data and experiential learning accessed through the right brain.


Two other challenges face persons of both the left and right brain orientations. Angel voices are to be distinguished from the super-ego and any resident demons. Freud postulated the super-ego, generally comparable to what is commonly called conscience. This ingested voice of parents, society, and religion is also easy to confuse with the voice of an angel. Both seem to come from beyond ourselves.


Conscience (super-ego), however, is not an angel. Conscience is from local society; angels are from ultimate reality. For example, a girl may have acquired from her mother the message that the bed should be made-up before she leaves the house in the morning. Once taken into her conscience, this social message will be felt whenever she considers leaving the bed unmade. Since it seems to come from beyond her conscious mind, such an impression may easily be confused with the voice of an angel.

 

Resident demons, as yet unfaced, are perhaps the most challenging of all distractions to hearing the calls of angels. They too seem to come from beyond ourselves, yet for many of us, are far more familiar and tempting to follow. Often they are so loud that they completely drown out the still small voices of angels.

 

To summarize: Although the voices of angels, unless denied diligently, are easy to hear, several common challenges must often be faced. First, the unreasonableness of the whole idea, plus the common use of religious language by emotionally disturbed persons, may turn a reasonably sane individual away from the possibility of angels. If this challenge is overcome, one then faces the awesome risks of openness in the face of the unknown. No angel can be heard without letting go of the illusion of controlling reality through mental knowing. One must have the nerve to confront that which is beyond his knowledge. This can be an exceptional demand, especially for those identified with their left brains only.

 

Next come the challenges of distinguishing angels from the right brain itself. Other voices may be loudly heard from the unconscious mind, including the demands of the super-ego and demons already in partial possession.

 

Beyond all these, however, for those who successfully face the intermediate challenges, the voices of their angels may be heard, constantly guiding toward fullness of life inherent in embracing our capacities.

 


ANSWERING ANGELS

 

Suppose you hear a voice that might be an angel. What if you successfully face the challenges noted in the previous section and discover yourself being spoken to. What should you do? What is a proper response to an angel?

 

Two events in the experience of Jacob as recorded in the Bible may be used to answer this question. The first is found in Genesis 31:11. And the angel of God spake unto me in a dream, saying, Jacob: And I said, Here am I. I can find no clearer way to state the first step in effectively responding to an angel.

 

In this event the angel speaks through a dream. As previously noted, this is one of the ways we may hear their voices. Jacob described his perception graphically. He heard his name called. We may take this both literally and figuratively. In a dream one may hear his given name--Tom, Dick, or Harry--called. More commonly the call is figurative, that it, one perceives himself, who-he-is, being spoken to. In other than angel language one might say: I know I am hearing something. Something got to me. I felt like it was about me personally. My heart was spoken to.

 

However we perceive ourselves being spoken to, Jacob's answer may be an appropriate response: Here am I. In some fashion one should acknowledge hearing. As in a classroom situation, if the teacher calls a pupil's name, the first thing to do is say, Here. The words mean: I am present to be spoken to. I am listening. You have my attention. Either verbally, with the actual words "Here I am," or non-verbally, with an emotional stance of readiness to receive, one should stand present and open for whatever man follow. This stance can be described as paying attention or listening. One is waiting in a position of openness, subject to whatever may happen next. He is not doing anything, but simply holding himself in a stance of responsible readiness. I'm here; so what now?

 

This position of openness may be described as waiting in the presence of mystery. One has dared to walk, emotionally speaking, to the edge of his presently embraced self. He has cut through the veneer of sham and pretence, daring to become his naked, honest self. Images are laid aside. Reputation is forgotten. Pride and shame are dismissed. Without the protection of certainty or knowledge, he stands exposed to the unknown. What will happen next? Fear is a likely emotion of one who dares to risk such a profound position. Excitement is in the air.

 

Then Jacob hears a message: Lift up now thine eyes, and see...(Genesis 31:12). In the silence of our waiting, after we dare to say honestly, Here I am, we are likely to get an impression of something to do. The angel voice inclines us to action. In this example it was simply to look at what was at hand. Often our call may be to See, that is, to pay attention to something we have ignored or not recognized before. Or, we may feel an inclination to do something--to move, go somewhere, change some circumstance. Perhaps to speak, to say something to someone.

 

Whatever the specific content of the message, we are apt to find ourselves being directed, guided, led, or inclined to action of some sort. What should we do then? Blindly follow? Do whatever it is we feel the call to do? Immediately translate the impression into the most obvious action? If, for example, in a dream you feel like hitting your boss, should you go immediately and sock him? If you have the urge to say something to someone, should you say it at once? If the call is to go somewhere, should you begin packing?

 

In another of Jacob's encounters with an angel we are told that he wrestled with him until the breaking of the day (Genesis 32:24). This is a good guideline for the second step in answering an angel. Once entertained, an angel should be confronted responsibly, a message should be wrestled with. Instead of immediately translating the impression into action, one should struggle with examining it. And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name (32:29). Before accepting the guidance of the angel, proceeding with action, Jacob questioned the angel's identity. He asked his name. Who are you?

 

This is always a reasonable course of action. We may make it a rule: Once a voice is heard, question where it comes from. Ask the name, symbolically, of the speaker. Who goes there? Who are you? Who is giving me this direction? We have previously noted that this type of message may come from many sources, only one of which is angels. Super-ego and demons also speak in dreams and elsewhere. Blind following of any impression is a dangerous and sub-human way to live.

 

The form of wrestling may be thinking and weighing data. The struggle to identify the voice may best be done through logical thinking, a left-brained approach to a message likely to have been received through the right hemisphere of the brain. All the functions of logic--remembering, reasoning, imagining--may be called into play.


Determining possible cause and likely effect, something the right brain seldom does, is one aspect of such logical thinking. Asking, Where does this impression come from?, and, What will be likely to happen if I follow it?, are general questions of this type of thinking. There is an old saying, Don't look the gift horse in the mouth. This rule is the opposite: Do look at the gift-bringer.


Examine carefully this message-bearer. Are you hearing your super-ego (the voice of conscience), one of your resident demons, or is this the voice of an angel? In a later section, guidelines are given for making such determinations, but for now, the second step in answering a possible angel is to ask his name. Never proceed without an appropriate amount of wrestling with the issue of identity. Even if it takes until the breaking of the day, or longer, delay acting on a message until you are confident of its source.

 

After Jacob had met this unknown figure, asked his name, and wrestled with him all night, he said to the angel, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me. And the angel said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel... The third element in responding to an angel may be called getting the blessing, that is, the affirmation, guidance, or positive word. After the all-night struggle, Jacob said, in effect, Now what have you got to say to me? What change is to be made?

 

Then the angel changed his name. Jacob, which in Hebrew meant schemer or swindler, became Israel, meaning, contender with God. We are always changed when we wrestle with a messenger who turns out to be an angel. Symbolically, our name is changed, that is, our identity is expanded. We are different afterward. We become more than we were before the event occurred. Whether or not we appear different to outsiders, we are changed whenever we answer an angel.

 

This final phase of answering will often include some specific outward change. The symbolic name change may reflect in speaking or acting in a new manner--perhaps saying or doing something differently. The message received, when it is about life in the world, will reflect in appropriate outward response. The guidance given is followed. If the call is to speak, we speak; a call to action is acted upon. A warranted change is made. What we are told to do, we now do. Not blindly, just because we were told, but following the essential wrestling in which we determine the nature of the call, we move in the light of our new revelation.


With our self expanded, our new name given, our larger nature embraced, we move accordingly in the outside world.



 ANGEL FOR SALE

"Angel for sale, Angel for sale,"

 cried the unspoken voice of his depths.

 And he listened for a moment in disbelief.

 Whoever heard of an angel for sale?

 There must be some mistake,

surely he did not understand.

 But the voice came again:

"Angel for sale, Angel for sale,"

 and this time he paid attention,

 he listened closely

 because for some reason he had always

 wanted an angel.

 He had dreamed of being an angel

 and gliding above the whole world

 on the whiteness of angel wings,

 of looking down at the pain

and heartache of it all.

 So from the shallow confines of his own

petty existence

 he called down:

 "You say 'angel for sale'? How much?

 What is the price of an angel?"



 And clearly but firmly the voice came back:

 "The price of an angel?

 You ask the price?

 Why the price of an angel

 is a demon."

 "A demon," thought he, "Did I hear aright?

 An angel for a demon?

 Why that's outrageous;

 The price is too high."

 And he stormed around in his pettiness

 screaming, "I have no demon to give!"

 And in his blindness he thought he told the truth.

 In later times the voice came again:


"Angel for sale, Angel for sale,"

 but each time he turned away

 and each time the voice grew dimmer,

 "Angel for sale,

 Angel for sal...

 Angel for sa..."



HEEDING YOUR ANGELS

 

With these understandings, you are now ready to practice listening for your own angels for signs of unembraced capacities. Return to your Overall Profile Sheet and find Score # 2, your minor or least developed capacity. This will probably represent your most needed angel.

 

Applying the principles you have learned about how to listen to an angel, you may, of course, begin at any place and time in your ordinary life. Probably your unembraced capacities will be calling you regularly, once you begin to be attentive. However, while learning, you may find that exercises focused in areas where your angels are most likely to be found can be more productive.


The exercises which follow are designed for this purpose. Specific things-to-do in the areas where each capacity is likely to be needed are given. The intent of the exercises is to invite you to focus your attention in those places and circumstances where your least developed capacities--and therefore your angels--are likely to be confronted.

 

No exercise is magic. Nothing done by rote can force you to heed an angel. However, while doing what is suggested, if you listen for your angel, you may indeed get in touch with unembraced parts of yourself. The whole point of the exercises is to invite you into potentially fertile places for hearing your angels and getting more in touch with these elements of yourself not previously accepted.

 

HOW TO USE THE EXERCISES

 

You may choose to either read through the exercises and pick one which seems easier to begin with, or you may simply start with Number One and gradually work your way through the list.

 

Remember that all exercises are just that: exercises--possibly useful ways of achieving a goal; but none come with guarantees. You may do any of the exercises mechanically--that is, go through the motions, with no results whatsoever. However, if you truly put yourself into them, any exercise may be useful in learning to heed an angel and accept some as yet unembraced part of yourself or unlearned role.

 

Because any new part of you, even if desired, represents a change, expect it to be difficult. All change, even for the better, is predictably threatening. Expect yourself to be resistent or to want to avoid doing any possibly threatening exercise. At the same time, respect your goal of becoming your larger self; proceed anyway. While fearful, if you should be, listen for your guiding angel.

 

Remember also that gender related words are not intended here to be taken literally. We all have a measure of the capacities called Male and Female. Even though words like Prince and Princess are commonly related to literal males and females, each of the roles is needed by everyone. Look past your own gender while trying the exercises.

 

Take as long as you wish to complete each one. Speed is not the goal; growth is. If you find an exercise to be difficult or scary, take your time. Start over and over, if necessary, until you are able to move into it. Then, after you finish one for the first time, do it again if you were uncomfortable. In fact, any one of the exercises may profitably be repeated dozens of times.


How long should an exercise be continued? The best guideline for when you are through with a particular exercise is that doing it feels completely natural. This means that you have accepted the part of yourself likely to be activated in doing it. You will no longer feel self-conscious, embarrassed, or guilty about any of the acts when the underlying capacity has truly become a part of yourself.

 

Don't concern yourself about the numerical order of the exercises. Although I have tried to grade them in a general order of difficulty, I may have missed for you. If any one of the exercises seems too easy, skip it (although I suggest doing it just once for practice); if one seems excessively difficult, delay it until later; find an easier one to begin with. Finally, though, try to do them all.

 

Make up exercises of your own. I have given some which may generally apply; you may think of others which are more personally relevant to you. If so, do them. Remember, embracing the capacity is the goal; any exercise which invites you to do so may be useful. Be creative. Create some of your own which are more personal than these general ones.

 

**************

 

Here are places to begin. If your Score #2 on your Overall Profile Sheet (your least developed capacity) was:

 

Youth: See Youth Angel Exercises.

 Adult: See Adult Angel Exercises.

 Male: See Male Angel Exercises.

 Female: See Female Angel Exercises.

 

After you have completed the exercises related to your least developed capacity, then continue with your mid-range capacities (# 3) if you choose.


Or, after working on your minor capacity you may prefer to go directly to the second phase of your angel homework, namely, considering your roles. Even if you turn to roles next, eventually return to work on your mid-range capacities also.

 

4. LEARN YOUR SAME GENDER, OPPOSITE ROLE

 

Roles, you recall, are the forms which capacities take in social situations. As you learn to respond to angels and accept your unembraced capacities, you will be ready to learn the roles which emerge from them. A good place to begin is with your same gender, opposite role, even if your # 5 Score (minor role) happens to be lower.

 

In this instance gender is meant literally. If you are a male person, no matter which of your capacities is most embraced, check to see which of the two roles you score highest on--Prince or King (Score # 4 on Overall Profile Sheet); if you are a woman, see if you score higher as Queen or Princess.

 

Because our society is more concerned with gender distinctions than the actual capacities we have associated with the two genders, learning to utilize your same gender roles is likely to be more practical at first. I therefore suggest improving your skills within your gender framework before considering those related to your opposite gender.

 

As before, begin by getting a fuller understanding of this role. If your major gender role is Prince, then you will be looking at King; or if it is King, you will consider Prince. If you are a woman and your best developed role is Queen, your opposite gender role is Princess, or vice versa. Turn to the chapter on your same gender, opposite role and read about it.

 

Next turn to the chapter on this role's angel and the related exercises. Proceed with these exercises following the same instructions given previously.


5. LEARN OPPOSITE GENDER ROLES

 

Effective living most often requires proficiency in all four roles. Even if society tends to restrict its support of the gender roles to those within the literal sexual gender, still they are needed by all persons. Men need to know how to act like Princess and Queen as well as Prince and King. Women need the roles of Prince and King just as they do Princess and Queen.


In this section you will work at adding your opposite gender roles. Begin with the one you have best developed. See your results on Test 2. On which of your opposite gender roles did you score highest? For instance, if you are a woman and your Prince score was 10, your King score 2, then Prince is your strongest opposite gender score. You will begin by trying to expand your effectiveness with your strongest role.

 

Then, after working on your best opposite gender role, in this example, Prince, start to work on your least developed role--King. Improve your Princeliness and then develop your skills in acting Kingly.

 

6. LEARN TO CONFRONT DEMONS IN OTHERS


To relate successfully with others requires skill in confronting their demons as well as your own. Certainly love is impossible when you are hooked by any demons present in a loved one.

 

First, study Chapter 9 on Relationships and become familiar with the most predictable types of encounters. Perhaps you will begin by thinking of one or more of your own significant relationships. As you read this chapter try to decide which or the major capacities and roles the other person in your relationship is most likely to use. If possible get that person to take the tests you have taken. If this is not feasible, imagine how they would have scored. Which do you see as their strongest capacity? Which is their primary role in relating to you?

 

With these speculations you may then predict their likely demons by referring back to the Overall Demon Chart.  Read about these demons to get an objective picture of how persons in your relationships are apt to function if they get possessed by their demons at any time. The more familiar you are with the likely possibilities, the more prepared you will be for an actual encounter.

 

After you have some specific guesses about the most predictable demons of those persons in your significant relationships, then read the section on Demons In Others for suggestions about how to deal with their demons.



DISTINGUISHING ANGELS FROM DEMONS

 

Unfortunately, angels and demons speak the same language. A voice is a voice is a voice. Hearing such a voice, we cannot easily know whether it comes from an angel or a demon. Angels may sound like demons; demons regularly parade as--and sound as though they were--angels. Obviously, if you wish to exercise the one and exorcise the other, you must first distinguish their voices. How can you tell the difference between a message from an angel and a dictation from a demon--if they speak the same language? Once a voice is heard, how can you distinguish its source?

 

The challenge is often as difficult as it is significant. There are no hard and fast rules to go by, no certain earmarks to distinguish one from the other. No subject matter or tone of voice is peculiar to either. Sometimes angels speak on the most obscene of subjects while demons talk of godly deeds. Angels may, at certain times, speak loudly and harshly while voices of demons are calm and measured. At other times, demons sound clear and authoritative while angels are uncertain and speak in still, small voices. And yet, if you are to heed the one and deny the other, you have no choice but to decide which is which.

 

Although there are no absolute rules, certain guidelines may be useful in making these regular decisions. Each one may help, but none should be taken without question. A guideline is only a rule of thumb; always there will be exceptions. But in the dark, even a candle can throw a ray of light, if not hope.

 

UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE

 

Understanding is far from a cure-all; yet it can help. If you remember the principles--what angels and demons are, then the practice--discerning the difference, will at least have a proper context. The difficult matter of deciding will remain; yet you will be aware of the sources from which the voices come.

 

Here is a review. Recall that angels represent your unembraced real capacities, while demon voices come from your embraced unreal capacities: angels are from who you potentially are, demons are from what you are not. Though they may sound the same, angels are real; demons are illusions, presenting themselves as reality. Angels speak for your real self, demons for your imaginary self. Angels are me; demons are not me. Angels deserve the personal pronoun I (I know what I want to do); demons are properly labeled with the pronoun It--or he/she (It--or he/she--is telling me to...).

 

Understanding this fact is also useful in the process of confronting demons. If you realize that a demon, no matter how personal it seems at the time, is not really you, is a foreign-to-you force appearing as you, then exorcising may be approached more diligently. Demons are not merely distortions of yourself--exaggerations or shrinkings; they are essentially not you. When you confront a demon, it is not simply a part of yourself which is over of under-developed, but rather a truly foreign force. To describe demons as illusions or unreal, as in the above paragraph, is to make an existential statement, not merely a descriptive one. Even so, one experiences demons as real at the time.

 

Furthermore, we are apt to consciously perceive our demons as more real, initially, than the angels. As with a mirage on a desert, when the vision of water seems more real than the fact of its absence, demons are commonly perceived as reality. If you see a magician pull a rabbit out of an empty hat, your personal perception of the trick will seem more real than your knowledge that it couldn't happen. So it is with the illusion of demons: they always seem to be real at the time.

 

The problem of distinguishing illusion from reality, demon from angel, is compounded because we so commonly identify ourselves with the demons which possess us. Often we have exercised our demons for so long, taking them to be the real me, while at the same time ignoring our angels, that the demon's demands seem to be truer than any whisperings of angels. We may have experienced the demons often enough that they are familiar, easily taken as our true selves. When this happens, as it commonly does, we identify ourselves with our demons; we take these foreign forces to be who-we-are. When a demon tells us to do something, we think it is our personal desire rather than an alien dictation. Later we may wonder what got into us, but at the time the demon's voice seems like I.


Practice and identification lead to ease. Wear a slipper long enough and it becomes comfortable, despite any negative features. So with demons. We get familiar with their possession. They tell us what to do, take charge of our lives, and leave us personally irresponsible. Like old slippers, they get comfortable. At the same time, our angel's voices, avoided for an extended time, begin to sound strange and unfamiliar, as though they come from a foreign source. Their calls begin, in time, to sound threatening. Demons, being nourished like parasites and naturally wanting their possession continued, may cast doubt on the validity of our angels, even accusing them of being devils. Like sick children, possessed persons are apt to view any medicine as bad. That which promotes health may be seen as dangerous and evil. The potentially positive can easily be taken as inherently negative.

 

Consequently, in understanding the difference between angels and demons, remember that familiarity and feel are inadequate bases for distinction. Unreal demons may seem real, while real angels seem to be unreal. Familiar demons which possess you may feel more like you than unfamiliar angels which represent your denied capacities. Demons which are actually destructive may seem positive, while angels which are constructive seem negative at the time.


Unembraced real capacities, the source of angels, may be easily confused with demons. For example, sexuality is a human capacity which is often suppressed by society and religion. When a woman denies her sexuality long enough, identifying herself with a demon characterized by frigidity, she may easily confuse an angel calling her back to sexuality as being the voice of a demon. At the same time, her possessing demon, telling her that she shouldn't feel that way, may be taken as her true self. Emotions, another real human capacity, are commonly denied by Males possessed by the SOB demon. Such a person, feeling the urge to cry, may easily mistake the inclination to be from a demon. On the other hand, the demonic voice telling him that big boys don't cry will predictably be taken as angelic.

 

Another common error in understanding is taking anything perceived as positive to be from an angel, and anything which seems negative to be from a demon. Social judgments commonly identify, for example, light as positive, dark as negative. Feeling up is taken as positive, feeling down is negative. Happy is positive; sad is negative. Calm is positive; angry is negative. Certainty is positive; doubt is negative. And so on. Once these judgments are made, the positive sides may be perceived as good and hence related to angels, while the negative opposites seem to be bad, or of the demons.

 

Reality, which is the source of angels, includes each of these sets of opposites. Both light and dark, up and down, etc., belong in reality. In fact, there can be no one without the other. Happy and sad are equally real; Calm and angry are but the opposite sides of one coin of reality. Both certainty and doubt belong in the realm of real thinking. In reality we may be either un-pressed in elation or de-pressed when deflated. Like exhaling and inhaling, both are a part of the breath of life.

 

Angels call us to whichever is real at the time, not to what we have judged to be positive only. When up is real, they call us to elation; but when down is real, their call us to deflation. Angels call us to be happy when we win, but they also call us to be sad at times of loss. They call for calm when we are satisfied, but for anger when we are frustrated. Certainty is from an angel when we know, but angels also call us to doubt when we are uncertain. A demon, conversely, might tell us to feel happy (positive) when we are sad, or to be calm when we are actually angry. A demon will often instruct us to act certain when we are really in doubt.


The distinction between angels and demons is between reality and illusion, not between positive and negative. Both positive and negative are elements of reality, each appropriate in its own time. To try, as a song directs, to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative, is to attempt the impossible. The coin of reality includes both sides of all such opposites--light and dark, up and down, happy and sad, certain and doubtful, etc. Angels call us to be positive or negative, whichever is the real face of reality at the time, not to try to split reality and have one side of the coin without the other. Demons tempt us to such impossible tasks.


Understand then, that angels may call you to real experiences which you have learned to judge as negative, while demons tempt you to act positive only, as though you can split the dualities of life into one side or the other. The temptation to the impossible task of always being up-- happy, calm, and certain, but never down--sad, angry or uncertain, is almost surely from an illusion, here called the God demon.

 

EXPECT DISCOMFORT

 

According to conventional wisdom, 'tis better to keep the ills you have than fly to those you know not of. Translating this common knowledge to our subject of demons, the familiar advice is: 'tis better to keep the demons you have than fly to angels you know not of.


Consequently, anticipate discomfort whenever you confront a demon. To the degree that identification has occurred--that the stranger has been entertained so long that he feels like family, like one of us, indeed, like myself--the most comfortable thing to do is to allow the demon to remain in possession. Initially, an angel, the voice of one's true self, may seem to be more foreign and unfamiliar than even the cruelest of demons.


Any change in behavior to which an angel calls will initially feel uncomfortable in comparison to a continuation of an old demonic pattern. It may indeed seem--that is, feel, more comfortable to keep the sickness of the demon than to risk the unknown health of an angel. When you begin to engage in any exorcism, expect the change to be initially uncomfortable.

 

In spite of any identification with a demon, or these predictable feelings of discomfort if you threaten its possession of you, remember that, in reality, the demon is not you. Only your familiarity with its possession makes it seem so. This intellectual knowledge won't change the fact, but it may guide your thinking while you engage in the awesome challenges of an exorcism.

 

Nor should you be thrown off by the strangeness of an angel's voice when you are called to move out of a familiar pattern of possession. Expect an unknown angel to sound unfamiliar. Even if you deeply sense the voice to be from your truer self, at first it may seem strange to you. It should; it is. Furthermore, if you follow an angel's call, denying any demon its right of possession, expect your initial experience to feel uncomfortable. Throwing away an old slipper is seldom easy; wearing a new one almost always seems strange. At first. Temporary discomfort should be anticipated with anything new. Even yourself.

 

STUDY THE DICTIONARY

 

Learning to distinguish the various angels and demons intellectually, like any subject in school, may be useful in the process of recognizing which is which in practice. Go back and re-read the various descriptions previously given. Memorize the names given here--until you acquire personal names of your own. Learn the definitions, so that you can be intellectually armed with descriptive information. Again, this knowledge won't take the place of courage and work in actually confronting your demons or hearing angels, but it may serve as a guideline in the process.

 

GENERAL DISTINCTIONS

 

Apart from knowing specific differences between individual angels and demons, the following general distinctions may be useful in initially distinguishing one group from the other. Remember that these are guidelines, not literal rules. The four previously given keys to recognizing demons, loss of humor, humanity, reason, and self, may be now applied. In each of these general guidelines, the sign of an angel will be given first, followed by the clue to a demon.

 

PLAYFUL VS. SERIOUS

 

As noted, one of the first signs of the presence of demons is the loss of a sense of humor. Angels can laugh; demons are deadly serious. This distinction comes from the first major angel, the Youth angel. Recall that this angel's principle characteristic is playfulness. When you find yourself losing your playfulness--your fun, in favor of deep seriousness, expect a demon to be entering the scene. In general, all angels are natural, innocent, and real; they have good times. All demons are unnatural, not spontaneous, and therefore not playful. When you begin to frown, grit your teeth, furrow your brows, tense your shoulders--that is, find yourself losing your pleasure in the moment, probably you are dealing with a demon.

 

WANT VS. OUGHT

 

A second guideline emerges from the second major angel, namely, Adult. This angel represents responsibility. Full humanity includes both the sponding--that is, the spontaneous playfulness of the Youth, and the re-sponding--the reflective responsibility of the Adult. Experience allows us to predict results, to re-spond to reality--spond more than once. This means that we can take into account what is likely to happen if we do something. As Adult, in addition to Youth, we can be responsible for our playfulness; we can choose to pay the piper because we both respect him as a person and may want to dance again later.

 

Chosen responsibility for enhanced pleasure, however, is easily replaced by the demons related to duty--should, ought, and have to. True responsibility, which is a call of the Adult angel, is because I want to, not because I ought to. Respond-ability--learning from experience and shaping circumstances for better living--is a choice. The perversion by the same name responsibility is a duty. The first capacity, when not embraced, becomes a call from our angels; the second, doing what we should or ought to, is most often a message from a demon.


Want is used here in its larger sense of choice, which includes desire and emotion, but also takes into account experience. In this understanding, for example, I want to pay the piper because I have learned I will be able to dance more often if I do, not because I should or because it is my duty. I want to pay means I choose to pay, out of both my desire to dance and my learning about how pipers work. Children, and sometimes demons, want what they want when they want it. They want to dance without paying the piper. This desire is human; but the recognition of how things work in the larger world is also human. Want, as used in making this distinction from ought, takes into account both desire and experience. I want to means I choose to because I know...

 

The word ought is used here in its popular sense of should-because-it-is-good. Thus one ought to pay the piper because it is a virtuous thing to do. One ought to be responsible, in this sense, because responsibility is a good person's duty.

 

With these understandings we may apply this guideline: an angel's call is more likely to be related to a want than an ought. Angels call us to choose to; demons tell us what we should do. If you listen closely, an angel's voice will seem more like what you really want to do; a demon's directive will seem like your duty.

 

In reality, as angels call us to, we want to be responsible for ourselves--that is, to respond-to-reality as we perceive it to be. To be, literally, is to-be-response-able--that is, ably responding. This sense of the word, responsibility, is distinctly different from the more common meaning of doing-your-duty, what you should or ought to do. This sense, which includes taking into account what you have previously learned, may best be understood as being reasonable or using your head.


In the section on Recognizing Demons, loss of reason was noted as one sign of possession. This is the sense in which the word responsibility is used in relation to angels. Angels call us to be responsible for what we know--that is, to use our reasoning ability, to remember what we have learned, to stop beating our heads against a stone wall, for instance, and try something more likely to work. Demons, conversely, call us to be responsible in the sense of what others think we should or ought to do, to do our duty, regardless of what we have learned from our own experience.

 

An angel's voice, calling us to respond responsibly, will therefore be the reasonable thing to do, considering the bulk of what is known. A demon's direction is to the so-called good thing to do (or bad thing), regardless of what we have learned. In general, angel's calls make sense, in the light of our larger experience. Demons urge us toward acts which may be logical and socially virtuous, but which may not add up with our personal learning.

 

This distinction is more easily seen in retrospect than in prospect of an action. Afterward the difference may become clear. After you follow an angel's call, you feel good being yourself. When you have followed a demon's direction, you feel good about yourself. Self-being inherently feels good, in the sense of self-fulfilling. In following an angel, you are being your larger self, which naturally is pleasurable or good-feeling. It feels good to be your greater self, even if, in the example above, you would prefer to dance free. Your choice to pay the piper is an expression of your larger self, which is inherently pleasurable--even if it hurts a little. You will feel better, when it is an angel's call, while paying the piper.

 

In contrast, when you have followed a demon's directive, doing what you ought to do, you are more likely to feel proud of yourself later. Because you have done a good deed, you are apt to feel virtuous or self-righteous. One ought, of course, to pay for what he gets. This is considered a virtue in our society. When a demon has directed you to pay the piper, you may hate doing so, but you will feel proud of yourself for having done so. Demons use these social virtues to maintain control over us. They tempt us to act good, to make a puppet of ourselves, with them pulling the strings. We go through the motions of socially virtuous behavior, with the reward of pride, which still leaves the demon in control. The key word in act good is act. Demons make actors out of us; angels make be-ers.

 

Acting bad, the opposite of acting good, is but the other side of the same coin of demon direction. If the demon can tempt us to act bad, for instance, to slip out without paying the piper, the key word, act, is still operative. Whether we act good or bad, still we are acting--which leaves the demon in control. If I ignore my knowledge about what happens when one cheats the piper (assuming I have this knowledge), and thereby act bad, I am still evading be-ing myself. In this case, the feeling response may be shame rather than pride; still it is about myself. Whether I feel ashamed or proud of what I have done, it is about me, the actor. This sense of objectivity, an escape from being subjectively myself, is a sign of demon possession.

 

Both pride and shame, in these common senses of the feelings, are evidences of demons. When we are doing what we want to do (sign of an angel), we feel good doing it. The pleasure is in the event. But when we are doing what a demon directs us to do (acting, rather than being ourselves), we feel either pride or shame later, depending on our judgment of our performance. The good feeling (or the bad) is a result of acting, rather than inherent in the experience itself.

 

Summarizing this guideline: angels call us to our fuller wanting; demons call us to our oughts (or their opposites, our ought-nots). In trying to discern the difference between the voices of angels and demons we may ask ourselves at the time: Is this what I truly want to do, what I responsibly choose for myself, or is it merely what I think I ought (or ought not) to do? In general, angels are on the side of wants, demons use the voice of oughts.

 

After following a voice, the difference is easier to determine. If you look back and realize that were being true to yourself and felt good in what you were doing--even if others failed to understand or rejected you for it, then probably you listened to an angel. But if you feel proud or ashamed of yourself later, indicating that what you did was an act, a show or performance for effect, then you likely followed a demon.

 

HUMAN VS. GODLY

 

Recalling that angels lead us to become ourselves, while demons tempt us to try to be what we are not, the distinction of Human vs. Godly can sometimes be a functional guideline. Angels call us to be more fully human; demons tempt us to act inhuman, to play god (or his/her opposite). If you ask yourself the question: Is this the human thing to do?, and your answer is Yes, probably the call is from an angel. On the other hand, if you ask, Am I acting godly?, and the answer is affirmative, then likely a demon is possessing you.

 

Humanity is characterized by limitations--limited power, limited knowledge, limited time--and imperfections. Godliness, in contrast, is noted for its lack of limitations and imperfections. Gods are omnipotent, omniscient, immortal, and, of course, perfect. To be human is to embrace and activate the limitations and imperfections of humanity. To act godly is to attempt to assume the attributes of a god, namely, to be limitless and perfect.

 

Applying this guideline, you may suspect a voice to be from an angel when its call is to any of the elements of humanity. Conversely, when a message tempts you to either of the aspects of a god, in all likelihood, a demon is calling. For instance, to be human is to have limited knowledge; to play god is to pretend that one's knowledge is unlimited, that is, certain. Whenever you are tempted to act as thought you know something for sure, like you have the final answer on any subject, probably a demon is behind that temptation. If you are called to accept that your answers are limited, that you don't truly know, for example, what types of behavior or beliefs are ultimately right, then likely an angel is speaking to you.

 

Or, since gods are timeless (immortal) and humans are timed (mortal), whenever you are tempted to act like you have forever or to pretend that you aren't aging, you may suspect the presence of a demon. On the other hand, when you are called to live now, since you don't have forever, or to accept wrinkles and gray hair (signs of aging), probably an angel is speaking. Demons tempt us to assume immortality--unending life; angels call us to embrace mortality, which includes accepting death. Short of these extremes, a demon may tempt you to be ashamed of your body, the surest sign of mortality, or of being sexual, the primary way mortality is multiplied. An angel, representing the denied voice of one's humanity, may instead call you to abandon bodily shame and accept being a sexual person.

 

Whenever you are tempted to act perfect, to appear to be without flaw or error, almost certainly a demon is at work. Humanity, on the other hand, being characterized by imperfections and mistakes, is the source of angels which call you to accept flaws. Those possessed by the godly demons are ashamed of their imperfections. Those who respond to their angels need not hide their flaws or admit--as though they were crimes--their mistakes. They know, as one song voices the truth, that to make a mistake is only human.

 

Godliness is sometimes cloaked in its opposite extremes, namely, impotence, ignorance, and no-time. Instead of openly acting omnipotent (as though one has all power), for instance, in this reverse form of godliness one may pretend to have no power at all, to be impotent. Since all humans have limited power, the attempt to act totally incapable is as inhuman as its opposite. Likewise with knowledge. All humans have limited information. To try to act completely ignorant is to evade the facts. Demons are equally at work when one is tempted to act as though he doesn't know anything to do, or when he pretends to know exactly what to do. Both no-knowledge and all-knowledge are inhuman. To be tempted by the appearance of the first is but the reverse side of the same coin of godliness. Each such appeal is from a demon.

 

Humans also have limited time. All humans do. To pretend to not have enough time is but the other side of the coin of acting as though you have all the time in the world. Variations on no-time are but the cloaked face of the godliness of plenty-of-time. Whenever one gets in a hurry (a sign of believing one doesn't have enough time) or delays beginning (a sign of pretending to be immortal), a demon may be expected. Angels call us to the present moment, which is all that humans have. The appeal of godliness it to act as though we can live in the past and future--time extended infinitely; the appeal of humanity is to live now. Hence the calls of the corresponding demons and angels.

 

If you are inclined to embrace any of the limited aspects of humanity, probably an angel is calling you; if you are tempted to act godly--in any of its diverse forms, be on the lookout for a demon.

 

SELF VS. NON-SELF

 

This last guideline is probably the best, yet is certainly the most difficult to understand or apply. The division is between being yourself and trying to act like you are other than yourself. Angels, from the side of real humanity, call us to the first; demons, from the illusion of inhumanity, tempt us to the second.

 

But how can we mentally grasp the difference? How can we distinguish the reality of the first from the illusion of the second? What are the distinctions between being and acting?


Being--specifically, being-yourself, may be clarified with the coined word, selfing. Acting, or not-being-yourself (attempting to be other than yourself), may be contrasted with two familiar words: selfish and selfless. To be-yourself is to be selfing; to try to be other than yourself it to attempt to be selfish or its opposite, selfless. Angels call us to selfing; demons tempt us to try to be either selfish or selfless, neither of which is humanly possible. In reality we can act selfish or selfless, but not be either. They remain as acts--charades, only.

 

Selfing, the coined word, means: the on-going process of activating the various elements of humanity (elaborated under the previous guideline). It is coined as a participle rather than a noun to imply the aliveness of an activity, in contrast with the deadness of a static entity, such as, a self. Selfing is used as a synonym for being yourself in the colloquial sense of the phrase.


The common understanding of being yourself is the inherently human endeavor. It does not imply that there is an entity called a self (or soul), which might be separable from a body, as in Platonic and much religious thought, or a triad of entities, such as, an id, an ego, and a super-ego, as in much modern psychology. If a child, uneducated about religion or psychology, answers What are you doing?, with, Just being myself, he perhaps means the same thing as this coined word, selfing.

 

Selfish, the word used for one of the appeals of the demons, may need further clarification. In common usage it covers many meanings. Here it is used to imply the familiar attempt to literally be a separable self or soul, an entity divisible from other materials or persons. Ego is a synonym for this imagined secular self or religious soul. Egotistical has a similar meaning to this use of selfish.


The endeavor identified here with demonic temptations is the attempt to literally be a self, soul, ego, or any of the myriads or roles in which such an imagined entity might try to cloak itself--such as, winner, hero, leader, parent, teacher, or spouse. Once one assumes the existence of, for instance, a self or ego, then he may try to play out the illusion in some particular role. Such a person may present his assumed self, for example, as a parent, a good mother or father. Once in such a selfish role, he has a reputation (in his own mind) to protect. He must go around pretending to be a good parent, which is something (literally) different from being a person who happens to have children and attempts to be effective in rearing them.


Once one is into the illusion of having a self or ego, with the concomitant reputation to present and protect, the familiar usage of the word selfish emerges. The person, believing himself to be somebody, cannot but be selfish in drawing lines around his assumed ego, operating in the world as though he were someone special.

 

Or its opposite. Instead of being openly selfish, acting as though one has rights over the earth and other persons, one may try to hide his assumed-to-exist self in selflessness. Rather than presenting himself as somebody, he may try to appear as a nobody. The familiar cloak of selfish is selfless. Selfish persons try to greedily satisfy their assumed selves; selfless individuals attempt to righteously deny their imagined selves. Both evade being themselves with their acts of selfishness or selflessness. In reality one can only be himself; the latter two options are illusions. Angels invite us to the first; demons call to the second choices.

 

If you are inclined to be yourself, you are hearing an angel; if you are tempted to be selfish or selfless, look for a demon. These distinctions can be extremely difficult in the moment, due to the reality of the unconscious mind. In retrospect the differences may be more obvious. After following such an angel--when you have responded to a call to Be yourself, rather than one to Be selfish or Be selfless, integrity is enhanced.


When one follows the demons instead, integrity is diminished. Integrity means integration or oneness. Following an angel results in becoming more integrated, more fully oneself. Demon indulgence leads to the opposite state of losing some of yourself. If you respond to an angel you will later discover that you are more yourself than you were before. Giving in to a demon leaves you less than yourself.

 

Even when following an angel results in the loss of approval by others--they may not understand, still your personal integrity will be expanded. Conversely, when you are dictated by a demon to an action which brings social favor or financial reward, you lose integrity anyway. If you follow an angel and are alert to your deeper sense of yourself, you will feel right, no matter the cost. You will have been true to yourself. If you follow a demon, you may be glad about the external results, but, if alert, you will feel bad about yourself. And you should, since you will have been untrue to you.

 

To summarize: this fourth guideline for distinguishing angels from demons is your answer to the question, Is this voice from my true--though unembraced--self, or is it from something other than my self, some non-self? Am I being called to be myself as contrasted with being selfish or selfless? Or is it a temptation to indulge in either acting egotistical or trying to appear above being selfish? Even though the answer may be difficult at the time, later you are more likely to feel right if you followed an angel, or righteous--either proud or ashamed--if you gave in to a demon.

 

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CHAPTER 8

 

ANGEL EXERCISES

 

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YOUR YOUTH ANGEL

 

Your Youth angel represents unembraced Youthfulness--your capacity for playfulness, for self-ness, just being yourself. It is your repressed, denied, or unaccepted ability to spond normally, that is, to be spontaneous, in contrast with careful and guarded. The bulk of your inherited knowledge, the wisdom of the body it may be called, is available to you only through your capacity for spontaneity or Youthfulness.

 

The accumulated information of human evolution posited in your genes is channeled into your life through this the most essential of all human capacities. Without continual access to Youthfulness, that which you know without having to learn from others, you will be seriously limited in effective functioning in this complex world. Certainly you will remain less than fully human.

 

Embracing Youthfulness, should you decide to try, is to be understood as accepting a primary part of yourself, adding to who you already are, rather than giving up Adulthood or regressing into childishness--turning into a kid. If you have already embraced more of your Adult capacities, you are likely to have identified yourself with, for example, being responsible. You may consequently feel that the elements of your Youthfulness are not you. When faced with the possibility of accepting your playfulness--this denied part of you--you may feel, at first, very uncomfortable, as though you are losing yourself (your Adult-identified self).

 

Probably, for self-protective purposes, you will be inclined to judge any emerging Youthfulness in yourself as bad in some way. Playfulness, for instance, may be seen as irresponsibility. Spontaneity may be judged as not being careful. Any being yourself may be labeled as selfish. Also you may feel guilty whenever you come close to your Youthfulness, as though it were inherently evil. For instance, suppose you leave some work which needs to be done, as I will propose in one of the exercises to follow, in order to just play. At first you may feel guilty, as though you are being irresponsible.

 

Even if you get past such guilt feelings, you may still feel uncomfortable or vaguely apprehensive in any of these exercises, that you should be doing something productive, or, that you are wasting time. In order to evade being trapped in these feelings of guilt or discomfort, thereby defeating your own exercise, remember that you are trying to enlarge your self, not run from responsibility.

 

Learning to be more than responsible--your Adult capacity, does not mean being irresponsible. This trick of logic can be one more way of avoiding the fear of spontaneity by judging it to be bad. Sponding is, in fact, not the same as re-sponding, as previously discussed. Spontaneity is different from re-sponse-ability. But sponding and spontaneity are more than the mere absence of re-sponding and responsibility. To be sponding instead of re-sponding (spontaneous rather than careful), is not necessarily the same as being irresponsible.

 

Certainly spontaneity can be used as an escape from responsibility. This is abundantly evident. Less evident, however, but often more tragically, responsibility can be used as an escape from spontaneity. We can act Adult as a way of avoiding the threats of being Youthful. This is the issue being addressed here.

 

The judgment of selfish, with the resulting false guilt (still felt as real), can also be expected in doing these exercises. It too can be a cover for fear of embracing Youthfulness. If you experience such feelings of false guilt about being your Youthful self, remember that self-ness, what this capacity represents, is not the same as selfish, which is properly to be avoided.

 

Just as sponding is the basis for re-sponding, so being yourself is the only real foundation for going beyond yourself. If you can't be yourself (your Youthfulness) first, you can't truly be for others (your Adulthood) later. Even love for others is to be, as Jesus noted, like love of self (Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself). The flawed logic of identifying anything other than self-less (loving others) with selfish is an error to be avoided. Certainly selfish is one way to evade the challenges of loving, but being for yourself does not necessarily mean being against others. Nor is being yourself inherently selfish. In fact, it is the only proper basis, in reality, for any acts of true self-less-ness.

 

The point here is to recognize, at least in your mind, that any guilt or fear which you may have about being selfish is not necessarily to be taken at face value. It may be false guilt, and only one more way of rationalizing your way out of facing the challenges of embracing your Youthfulness. Objectifying this capacity, we may say that there is a child within us all--with all the inherent elements of Youthfulness. To become our fuller selves, that is, to become persons, we must also accept and activate this part also.

 

The exercises which follow are intended to guide you in this process. View them as ways of learning to activate the child in you, that repressed, denied, or neglected half of your humanity which is the only proper basis for true Adulthood. Expect to encounter some discomfort--anxiety or false guilt--in the process. Expanding identity is always threatening at first. If you succeed, through these or other exercises, in embracing more of your Youthfulness, you will increase your basis for being more Adult also. At the very least, you will become more of a person through this addition of missing elements of yourself.

 

The theme in each exercise is your potential for pure, normal, natural, spontaneous, self-ness--playfulness, that is. See them as a way of allowing your child-like-ness into the sunlight of everyday life. In the previous discussion of Youthfulness, this overall capacity for sponding was broken down into six elements: subjectivity, naturalness, here-and-now-ness, self-satisfaction, personal discrimination, and freedom. These suggested exercises will follow these themes. Be creative: start listening for your Youth angel and add to the list as you go along. Create exercises which may be even more personally related to your individual circumstances.

 

EXERCISES FOR EMBRACING YOUTHFULNESS

 

1. Do some selfing


Begin with learning more about the difference between self-ness and selfish. Remember, being a centered self and being self-centered are not the same. To be yourself is not the same as being egotistical and ignoring everybody else. These exercises are not about pretending you are the only person in the world, but rather about embracing the fact that you are one real person in the universe. The world doesn't revolve around you, but you are potentially one centered self in this revolving world. Practice becoming yourself more fully, without falling into the trap of selfishness.

 

Go first. Adults, of course, thinking of others, wait until last. Whole persons are able to pick the appropriate time to go--which may be last, first, or anywhere in between. If you can't already do so easily, start practicing now; embrace your capacity to go first as well as last. Pick some circumstances when selfishness is less likely, when the only issue is who will begin, and openly decide to go first. Here are some possibilities:


a. A table game, where someone must throw the dice first. At such a time, say, I'll throw first.

 

b. At the grocery store, approaching the check-out counter at equal distance with another shopper, go ahead and get in the line first.

 

c. Exiting an elevator, be the first one out.

 

d. Entering a building with a group of people, be the first one in.

 

In each of these exercises, you may feel that you are being rude and unmannerly. Examine any such feeling carefully to see if it is merely a way to avoid the risks of breaking out of your old pattern of being only Adult.

 

Choose first. Being carefully attentive to your own preferences, in group situations where someone must decide what to do, take the initiative in making first choice. For instance, suppose you are going out for the evening. Before asking, What would you like to do?, choose first. Say, after honestly thinking about yourself, I want to go to a movie. Or, if the decision to go to a movie has already been made, choose first among the movies available.


Other situations might include: the selection of a VCR movie for the evening; which restaurant to go to; which game to play. In such situations, practice selfing by bringing your personal desires into the open. To avoid the risk of selfishness, choose only those situations where the option of first choice is open to anyone. You are not dealing with your rights over others here, only the honest expression of yourself.

 

Take the best piece. Pick a situation, such as the dinner table, when the choices involve graded options. For instance, when the chicken is passed, take the best (to you) piece. After all, someone will get the best; why not you for a change? Other situations for practice might include: Going into a restaurant or theater where there is a choice of seating, take the best seat. Instead of asking, Where do you want to sit?, and taking the seat which is left, say, I want to sit...

 

EXERCISES FOR NATURALNESS

 

The human ability to be unpretentious is a second element in Youthfulness. This means to spond and come on in the world naturally, without cover or pretense. This, of course, can be dangerous in society. These exercises are only about embracing the capacity, not about rebelling or doing anything risky in a social setting. Look for occasions where there is little danger of causing others to think less of you. You will be learning to be your natural self, not to damage your position in society. For now, avoid trying any of these exercises when there is any real danger of social disapproval.

 

1. Going naked


Begin with your physical body, the most natural expression of yourself. Learn to get over being embarrassed about being embodied (having a body). Look for occasions, without social danger, for practicing going naked. Perhaps you will begin with a time when you are alone in your house or apartment. Lock the doors, close the blinds, take off all your clothes, and walk around the house nude. Do a normal activity like reading a magazine, making a cup of coffee, or sweeping the floor. Learn to feel comfortable being unclothed.

 

Other possibilities for practice: Sleep nude; if you live with someone who has seen your body, start practicing the above exercises in their presence. Don't, of course, act offensively, but without calling attention to what you are doing, casually practice more nakedness in their presence.


2. Admit going to the bathroom


If you are in the habit of hiding the fact that you, like everyone else, periodically go to the bathroom, practice more openness about the fact. Elimination is a natural human function, an essential element in being your physical self. Learn to treat it naturally. For instance, instead of excusing yourself, as though you are doing something wrong, simply go without explanation. Once inside the restroom, don't try to be quiet, as though you shouldn't be heard. Be normal in a public place. We are not, of course, talking about being rude or obnoxious, only about becoming natural with your bodily functions.

 

3. Expose your mind


Learn to reveal your natural thinking. Instead of monitoring every thought before it is expressed, practice exposing your natural thinking--in, of course, safe circumstances. Pick a conversation with a friend during which you will practice. Without censoring, speak off the top of your head. No matter how irrelevant or irrational a thought may seem, go ahead and say it. Pretend that you are going to go mentally naked for this one conversation.

 

Other possibilities for practice include: at a place where opinions are being expressed, for instance, a party, give your own opinions as clearly as possible. Try to reveal an idea which is your natural thinking, but which is different from that of others. Learn to have your thoughts, as well as your body, exposed.

 

Be cautious, of course, where rejection is likely, but proceed to the revelation of your political and religious beliefs. Where the dangers are less, practice telling others what you truly believe, especially when your natural beliefs differ from those of others.

 

EXERCISES FOR HERE AND NOW-NESS

 

Adulthood requires attention to time; Youthfulness does not. Whenever the spirit moves me is unreasonable in many situations. However, the capacity to be spontaneously and whole-heartedly present in the immediate moment is a crucially important part of everyone's human capacity. These exercises are about activating your ability to pay attention to the here-and- now, as well as to the there-and-later.

 

1. Do some things on the spur of the moment


Select times and places when there is no evident danger about consequences; then practice letting the spirit lead you, that is, translating your impulses into action as soon as possible. Look especially for activities which seem to be outside the reasonable thing to do. For instance, suppose you are mowing the yard and suddenly feel like eating a bagel. Reason would say, Finish what you are doing, or, It's not time to eat, or, You aren't dressed for going out. For this exercise, practice acting on the spur of the moment. Stop the mower, get your purse or wallet, and head for the deli.

 

Or, while preparing the evening meal, if the notion to take a shower comes to you, stop immediately and go to the bathroom (assuming, of course, no food is left cooking). If you are reading a book and get the urge to go bike riding, stop before the next paragraph and go for a ride. If you wake in the middle of the night and feel like having a waffle, get up and fix one. While conversing with your spouse, if the notion of calling a long lost friend comes to you, say, Excuse me, and go make a long distance phone call.

 

Fit the exercise to your own circumstances, but, without endangering yourself, practice doing things on the spur of the moment.

 

2. Be late


Choose the circumstances for this exercise carefully, where nothing of consequence to you is at stake. Select an occasion, such as a party, meeting, or social event, and purposely be late. The point of the exercise is to help you consciously confront any compulsions which you may now have about being on time. While delaying your arrival, recognizing that you will be seen as not on time, be aware of how you feel. Recognize your right to go on your own schedule, even if it does not fit the stated time of the event. Remember that timeliness is not necessarily the same as what other people expect of you. After you arrive late, be careful not to make any apology or excuse. If someone notes, You are late, simply say, Yes, I am. Period. Repeat the exercise until you have embraced your capacity to forget about time.

 

3. Stay longer than you should


This exercise is about the opposite of being on time. Most events also have an established stopping time. For instance, even parties usually have an accepted time to end. In this exercise you will work at freeing yourself from leaving on time. Again, choose an occasion when nothing regrettable is apt to happen--for example, a social occasion with friends. When everyone starts to leave, make no move to join them. Stay after they go, without explanation, and keep chatting with the host or hostess. Be attentive to how it feels to not go when you should. The point, once more, is to free yourself from compulsive dependence on the clock. In order to learn to be present in the here and now, you must also accept your capacity to choose when you will come and go, to not be dictated by a schedule.

 

WANTING EXERCISES

 

Focused on the here and now, Youthfulness is also attuned to powerful desire in the moment--wanting what it wants, strongly. Often, in order to cope with assumed duties, sometimes called being responsible, we learn to suppress desire. Coping with the strength of passion is easier if we become unaware of just what or how much we want. Nip desire in the bud, by suppression, and patience is easier to emulate. Full living, however, also includes passionate desire, wanting deeply.


These exercises are intended to guide you in reestablishing conscious contact with that part of yourself which wants satisfaction now, immediate gratification. Of course this capacity is dangerous in society. It is easier to get along if all strong passion is negated. However, good living requires good passion also. Get back in touch, if you have lost it, with these roots of your being.

 

1. Think about wanting


Sit down in private with at least thirty minutes to be alone. Get pen and paper and begin to list things which you might want to have, do, or say. Forget about society and limitations for the moment. Even if a particular desire is unreasonable, impractical, or too expensive, write it down anyway. Imagine that you have all the money and freedom in the world. What would you want? As your list develops, become more attentive to how you feel while thinking about your desires. Wanting, in its fullness, is always below the level of conscious thought. It arises from deep within, from the lowest levels of who-we-are. Reason comes later. First we want.

 

After you have an extended list, place it in front of you, close your eyes, and try to free yourself to truly feel, as deeply as possible, the strength of your own passions. Let go; let yourself want, without censoring, whatever it is that you truly want.

 

2. Want in public


In this exercise you carry what you learned in number one to a public place. Your list making will also be transferred inside your mind. The point of the exercise is to train yourself to remain more aware of your actual desires while in the course of daily activities. Pick a particular day during which you will keep yourself, as a regular part of your agenda, alert to your desires. While going about regular activities, make your list in your mind, just as you did on paper in the previous exercise. For instance, while driving to work you may also be thinking, I really would prefer to stay in bed today. Or, arriving at your office, faced with the day's duties, think about what you would do if you were on vacation.

 

Without letting your private exercise supplant responsible activity, try to add attention-to-wanting to your regular thought world, even while tending to business for the day. If you discover that you are being caught up in duties, remember your exercise: What do you want? Throughout the day, remain alert to your natural desires. If someone should ask you, at any point, What are you wanting right now?, have an answer ready, even if it may not be feasible to give it. Learn to be aware of wanting, all the time.

 

DISCRIMINATION EXERCISES

 

Adults discriminate on the basis of reason or practicality. Youth goes on I like it or I don't. Both bases are relevant in full living. A whole person will be equally attuned to inward inclinations and to outward consequences--both to I want, as well as I should. Too often, however, should becomes but an escape from awareness--and the inherent threat--of desire. The marriage of the two, which has occurred in a whole person, has not yet been consummated. If you have been caught up in your shoulds, at the expense of your wants, these exercises may be the first step toward achieving a better balance of the two. For now, at least, amplify awareness of your Youth capacity for knowing, consciously, what you like and don't.

 

1. Take a like-it/don't-like-it shopping venture


Plan a trip to a shopping mall alone. Go with the pre-decision to simply shop, avoiding any purchases. Select shops with items which interest you, perhaps clothes or tools. The exercise will involve giving free reign to your most personal responses to what you see--your tastes, your likes and dislikes. Walk leisurely through each store, examining all goods. Let yourself respond on the deepest possible level to what you see. Avoid all sense of reason, practicality, attention to cost, etc. Based only on I like it/I hate it, react to each thing you see. If it appeals to you, pick it up for further examination; if it turns you off, for whatever reason--and don't bother to try to figure it out--pass it up. Simply say, I just don't like it, and move on to the next item.


As you get more and more in touch with your tastes, spend less and less time with examination of what you don't like. Move leisurely through the mall, guided only by your favorable responses. Forget price as well as any other practical consideration. For instance, if you are drawn to fur coats which you can't afford, pick out the one you like best, regardless of cost. Go with your likes. The point of the exercise is to expand your alertness to this primal basis for human discrimination. Practicality is another issue. For now, learn to become more attuned to your immediate personal reactions only.

 

2. Stick with your tastes


Here you introduce other people to your exercise. Knowing what you like and don't like while alone can easily be forgotten when you are with others. Some who are very discriminating personally, while alone, lose all awareness of their tastes when around others. Oh, whatever you say, becomes their motto when company is present. For example, while shopping with someone else, they constantly ask, What do you think of this?, negating personal tastes at the time. In this exercise you will attempt to reverse this process. Instead of losing awareness of your likes, you will try to expand your contact with personal discrimination in the presence of others.

 

Pick an occasion when you will be with friends of loved ones. Set as a private agenda (don't tell anyone what you will be doing) the goal of remaining constantly in touch with your own tastes, regardless of what others think or like. If, for instance, you go shopping with someone, remain aware of your own likes and dislikes, just as you did in the previous exercise. Ignore what your friend thinks (during this exercise) so as to remain more closely attuned to your own tastes. If you note, for example, their dislike for some article of clothing you are attracted to, avoid suppressing your personal likes. Stick with your own reactions. Say, I like it.

 

FREEDOM EXERCISES

 

Youth, deeply attuned to exploring the world as a place for the fullest expression of who-we-are, is always concerned with freedom. Limits are constantly being examined, reexamined--and pushed. How far can I go?, Youthfulness regularly asks. To be a full person, one must embrace the human capacity for freedom whatever its limits may be. Reality has its bounds, but within them there is room for much freedom.


Without ignoring the reality of consequences, these exercises are about finding and accepting the true extent of your capacity for freedom.

 

1. Doodle


Take a sheet of blank paper, a pencil, and find 15 minutes to be alone with the two. During this time, hold your pencil in hand, relax, and see what your hand will draw on the paper. Avoid words and established geometric forms. These will shape your freedom. Let yourself draw as the spirit moves you, not trying to make any particular shape. Whatever feeling or thought comes to you, give it some shape with your pencil on paper. Just doodle, for at least 15 minutes.

 

2. Add color to doodling.


Get crayons, colored markers, or finger paint and repeat the above exercise. Let yourself go and see what mixtures of form and color emerge. Explore the freedom granted by these materials. Avoid trying to make something. Just play with the colors. See if you can accept not knowing what you are supposed to draw or paint. Perhaps you will want to get larger sheets of paper so as to have more room for free expression. To avoid the threat of what others might think, be sure you have privacy for this exercise. Also, when finished (do it as long as feasible), tear up everything you have done. Don't show anyone. You are learning to risk freedom alone.

 

3. Create something


Within the range of your own currently embraced creativity, make something. If you have a hobby or craft which you engage in, plan a project. If you have no hobbies, think of some possible area in which you might learn to put things together in a new way. In the realm of words or things, give yourself freedom to create. Pre-decide not to show anyone what you have done, lest pleasing others tempt you away from your own interests.


4. Take a free day


Plan a day without responsibility. Make arrangements to be alone for at least 12 hours when nothing is expected of you. The only limit on the day, within the realm of reason, is that you do whatever you do with as much freedom as possible. For example, arrange to be gone from work and home. Get in your car, back out of the drive way, and from then on, see where you will go. Set no destination. When you reach a corner, feel which way you will turn. If you get on a freeway, consider every exit to be an option. When one feels right, take it. If you get hungry, freely decide what to eat. Stop when the place seems appropriate. Start again whenever you are ready. If in the course of your driving you see something which interests you, stop and examine it. Try to be free for a day.

 

Perhaps you will choose to remain at home for the day. If so, let the spirit guide you all day. Avoid need-tos, unless you truly want to do them. If you don't feel like it, don't do it. Try to turn yourself loose for a 12 hour period.

 

Whatever arena you choose, remember that your goal is to maximize your freedom, minimize your duties. As a proper basis for true responsibility, learn to be as free as possible.

 

YOUR ADULT ANGEL

 

Your Adult angel represents your unembraced capacity for profiting from experience, for adding learning acquired in the School of Hard Knocks to your immediate desires or goals--that is, for bringing educated re-sponds to your spontaneous sponds. First we react to reality out of Youthfulness--our spond-ability; then, if we learn from our primary experience, we take into account what has happened. We compute our data; we re-spond again with the advantage of feedback, knowledge added to desire. We use our re-spond-ability, labeled here as Adult capacity.

 

If you want to have fun, embrace your capacity for sponding; if you want to find satisfaction--extended fun, embrace your additional capacity for re-sponding. There is an inherent excitement in spontaneously reacting to reality; there is also an expanded pleasure, a joy, in calculated re-sponses.

 

As previously noted, this capacity for re-spond-ability is to be distinguished from the more familiar meaning of responsibility. This expansion of the English word is coined to imply something more than mere duty or doing what you should. Responsibility, as popularly understood, means acting in a manner approved by one's social group, regardless of personal experience or desires. The responsible person keeps the rules of society, no matter how he feels.

 

For example, if a boy's assigned chore is to take out the trash on Tuesday evening, the responsible thing to do is to take it out, regardless. A father's similar responsibility, assigned by society, is to provide for his family, no matter how they behave or he feels. In many such homes, the mother's responsibility is to prepare the meals, again, regardless of what other desires she may have. This familiar understanding of responsibility may be summarized with words like should and ought. Being responsible in this way, one does all the things he should do. Such a responsible person does what he or she ought to do.

 

I amplify this familiar sense of the word, which has duty as a synonym, in order to distinguish it from re-spond-ability, the summary description of Adult capacity. Although the two may sometimes look alike, they are, at heart, essentially different. One who embraces the capacity for re-spond-ability may or may not be responsible. Conversely, one may be completely responsible without at all embracing this Adult capacity. There is no inherent connection between the two.

 

Duty, for instance, may be but rote behavior, a compulsive form of activity conforming to social standards. It can be carried out with no re-spond-ability. In fact, such responsibility is often performed best when re-spond-ability is negated. When duty, for instance, calls for a soldier to obey an officer, or a son a father, he may do so more easily if he reacts without thinking, that is, if he simply behaves like a robot following orders. If the soldier were to re-spond, which of course includes thinking, he might choose to disobey the officer; or the son, the father. Such disobedience would be irresponsible in the familiar sense of the word.

 

In fact, depersonalization, the act of removing person from event, paves the way for more effective responsibility, while at the same time removing the basis for re-spond-ability. Only through embracing one's human capacities, the elements of personhood, does the ability to respond become possible.

 

Shoulds and oughts, the essence of duty or responsibility, are best performed when personal integrity has been replaced by what is commonly called conscience--the ingested voices of parents or society. The dictum, let your conscience be your guide, is often but another way of saying, Do what you know you should. These shoulds are usually but the learned values of the authority figures in one's life, absorbed into the mind and called conscience.

 

In Freudian terminology, responsibility can be understood as super-ego replacing or dictating id. Expression of natural impulses of the id is replaced by the accepted directives of the super-ego, usually the internalized voices of one's parents. One becomes, so to speak, a good boy or girl, who acts in accord with parental desires, rather than a natural child expressing the elements of his or her own personhood.


This extended look at responsibility, the namesake of re-spond-ability, is intended to help distinguish the two look-alikes before they become confused in practice. The exercises which follow are for learning to embrace your capacity for re-sponding more fully, not for becoming more responsible in the familiar sense of the word. Adulthood, whose shadow you will be courting, is about your ability to be more of yourself, not simply to do more duty. It is about, for instance, becoming your good, healthy boyness or girlness, not about becoming a grownup good boy or good girl who dutifully does what you should out of rote.

 

As previously discussed, Adulthood, understood as respond-ability, may be broken down into six elements or facets. Re-spond-ability is objective rather than subjective; cloaked instead of open; attentive to there and later as well as the here and now; concerned with satisfaction later rather than immediate gratification only; is reasonable instead of dictated by impulse; and brings commitment to freedom. The following exercises focus on these six facets of re-spond-ability.

 

EXERCISES FOR OBJECTIVITY

 

1. Do some othering


Without falling into the trap of seeing your unselfishness as a virtue, something you should do, look for occasions to exercise your capacity for objectively going beyond self only. If your previous training has been to view selflessness as good, these exercises will require particular attention, lest they simply be more of the same. They are not about the so-called virtuous acts of putting others first, but about embracing your capacity for re-sponding beyond yourself, for adding objectivity to subjectivity.

 

a. Go last. Pick situations in which you are less likely to appear virtuous, and choose to act beyond your self for no reason other than learning to do so. For instance, go to the end of the line in a grocery store check-out situation, after you are near the cashier. Without explaining yourself, simply pull out and move back from first to last. Smile as you do so, knowing your secret exercise. Other situations might include: enter or exit from an elevator last; wait for others to serve themselves first at a meal; be the last to pick a seat at the theater or restaurant.

 

b. Lose a game. At some table or athletic game in which you might actually win, choose to come in last. Let someone else win, without their knowing that you allowed them to. Exercise your capacity to be last, without losing face, so that you can later choose freely to do so when it is practical.

 

In each of these exercises remain attentive to your objectivity. This is the practice. If you find you are beginning to feel proud of yourself for being good by acting unselfishly, remember that this is very self-full. You are doing the exercise for entirely selfing purposes.

 

CLOAKING EXERCISES

 

Re-spons-able cloaking is to be distinguished from compulsive hiding or fear of exposure. This Adult capacity for choosing not to reveal oneself is not the same as the more familiar forms of pretense and hypocrisy which we commonly encounter in adult-aged persons. The two activities may look alike to outsiders, but, for example, wearing clothes for practical reasons is different from dressing out of fear of nudity. In these exercises you will be trying to go beyond mere hiding or avoiding fear, to expanding your ability to re-sponse-ably choose to cloak yourself when it is pragmatic.

 

1. Begin with your mind

 

Look for occasions when you clearly have a thought, information, or a feeling in mind, and choose to cloak it. Know something you don't tell. For example, when you have a clear thought about how someone looks or an opinion on what they are wearing, avoid saying so--consciously. For the exercise to work, your practice must be in a situation when you do have the freedom to say what you think. For instance, suppose your child or spouse is dressed in a manner which evokes thoughts about your own tastes. I think the colors don't match, or, I think that outfit is inappropriate for the occasion. Practice holding your thought as your own. Even if they ask, avoid revealing what you think.

 

Or suppose you see a behavior which you think is wrong, and you would be within your rights to speak of it. Don't. Keep your thoughts to yourself. Practice cloaking your mind when it is clearly subject to being revealed. For another example, if someone asks the meaning of a word which you know, don't tell. Try to be polite, of course, but avoid exposing your mind. Just because you know something, or have an opinion on the subject, doesn't mean that you must reveal it.

 

Perhaps you will feel guilty at first, as though you should tell whatever you know, or that you are lying if you don't tell the whole truth. Such guilt is likely to be the result of an ingested conscience rather than true re-spond-ability. One who has embraced the capacity for Adulthood will always have the freedom to tell or not tell, that is, to reveal or to conceal his mind. In these exercises you are learning to do the latter.

 

2. Hide a feeling


Look for occasions when one of your emotions is clearly conscious. You know exactly how you feel. You would be within your rights to reveal your feeling, for instance to a friend. Choose not to do so. Learn to feel, consciously, and choose to conceal your emotions. Until you have equal freedom to reveal or conceal a conscious feeling, you have yet to embrace your Adult capacity for cloaking.

 

Perhaps you will feel displeasure at some activity of your child or spouse. Practice hiding your feeling, appearing as though you have no emotional reaction. Or, when you feel delight at something they have done, try, for a time, to act as though you feel neutral. If you feel passion, learn to act cool. If you feel jealous, hide it. When you are angry, contain your emotion and pretend, outwardly, that you are not bothered.

 

Take as long on this exercise as is necessary for you to learn to act cool, literally--that is, to feel deeply yet to contain your emotions within yourself. Cloaking, when pragmatic, is an essential element of your Adult capacity.

 

EXERCISES IN WAITING

 

Youth can't wait; it lives fully in the present moment. Adulthood can. With knowledge of time, and, therefore, of cause and effect, this element of Adult capacity allows us to possibly enhance the future as well as enjoy the present. But later satisfaction, the next element of Adulthood, is based on the ability to wait.

 

Patience, it is sometimes called, and listed among the virtues. This poised attention to the there and later is to be distinguished, however, from a mere fear of living in the present, resulting in self-righteousness about one's supposed patience. With this capacity one remains alertly attentive to consequences, wisely waiting, even when impulses dictate otherwise.

 

Timely action is only possible when both the Youth capacity for immediacy and the Adult corollary for delay are each activated. These exercises are intended to help you learn more about waiting, so that later you may become more adept at artfully timing your actions.

 

1. Do no-thing


Set aside a l5 minute period of time for being alone. Your exercise will be to just be, that is, to do no-thing for 15 minutes. Actually the exercise is about freeing yourself from compulsive activity, the necessity of engaging in some form of doing which avoids the courage required to just be. No-thing is hyphenated to distinguish this challenging mode of being from the more familiar act of doing nothing, which, often, is mere laziness.

 

Literally, of course, it is impossible not to be doing something. If you stop working, you will be sitting still. Sitting is still doing something. Even meditation can be an act which evades doing no-thing. No-thing means no activity which comes to your mind as something to do. While just being you will, of course, still be doing something in the literal sense of the phrase. You will be breathing, if nothing else. The discipline of this exercise lies in your conscious choice to evade everything which comes to mind for escaping just being yourself without doing anything in particular.

 

For instance, perhaps you will begin by sitting in a swing or favorite chair, as a way of ceasing outward activities. Once sitting thusly, just sit. Wait. If the thought comes: You could be cleaning the house (or mowing the yard), say to yourself, Yes, I could. But don't. If you think of lighting a cigarette to fill the time, remember that smoking would be something to do. Don't do it. If you consider planning your evening's activities or arranging your schedule for tomorrow, remember that such purposive thinking is still doing something. Resist these temptations to evade just being yourself without doing something. Enjoy this play on words: do no-thing.

 

If you find that you can only last for five minutes--or one, that is okay. You must begin somewhere. But then find another time for practice and continue doing this exercise until you can easily spend 15 minutes at doing no-thing.

 

2. Say no-thing


Bite your tongue. If you are accustomed to speaking whenever you have something to say, try this exercise. Learn to wait to talk. For example, suppose you are with a friend when speaking up would be acceptable and you could easily do so. Don't. Hold your tongue for at least a full minute after you think of what you might want to say. Practice the waiting of silence. Just as you avoided doing something in the previous exercise, now learn to avoid saying something. Learn to contain all your thinking. Set your own time periods in accord with your currently embraced ability to wait to speak. If you can already wait for a full minute, try being with someone and waiting for five minutes before saying what is on your mind.

 

If you are a shy person, the exercise will only be useful when you are with someone you feel safe talking to. Pick such a person and time, and remain attentive to containing your thoughts rather than escaping into silence. You are learning to wait, not to hide.

 

DELAYING SATISFACTION

 

The major function of learning to wait is to delay an immediate, smaller gratification in favor of a greater satisfaction later on. We go to school not only for the fun of learning (Youth capacity), but also for the larger rewards of education (Adult capacity). These exercises are for learning to more fully and effectively delay resolving present desires on the prospect of enhancing pleasures in time.

 

Be careful, in doing them, to avoid slipping into suppression rather than contained delay. Waiting-to-get-more is not the same as running-from-now. Many persons evade the challenges of immediate pleasures by making a virtue of delaying satisfaction. This form of pleasure-avoidance is actually martyrdom, something completely different from what is intended in this exercise. Here you are learning to move toward greater pleasure later, not simply to avoid the present.

 

1. Delay an acceptable habit


Pick an activity which you presently do for fun, such as, eating a candy bar, watching television, smoking a pipe, reading a magazine, or going to a movie. At a time when you would ordinarily engage in the activity, choose to delay for an extended time. If you have your candy bar unwrapped, for example, lay it aside for 15 minutes. Sit for 15 minutes before you turn on the television. Fix your pipe, but wait 15 minutes before you light up. Sit and watch your favorite magazine for 15 minutes before you pick it up.


The purpose of the exercise is to expand your Adult capacity for delaying gratification. You will be breaking out of dependency on dictation by impulses. After you are successfully able to delay one of your pleasures, move to another and begin practice again. Extend these exercises until you can easily tolerate the delays without becoming personally upset.

 

2. Want deeply, and contain it


This exercise is a guide in learning to stand passion, to learn to both want and to contain your wanting. All too often, deep passion is short-circuited by immediately acting it out. The relief of satisfaction is sought before the depths of desire are experienced. Reversing this escape from passion is the goal of this exercise. In previous exercises, the wide scope of desire was confronted; here you will focus on one particular passion--perhaps for some object you want or some activity you crave to do. Think of something you truly want to have or do, for example, a new pair of shoes or a new gun. Arrange to go to a store where there is a wide variety of choices. With the pre-decision not to purchase anything, go and drool. Look at all that is available; open yourself to your true desires; see how deeply you can feel your wanting. Stay as long as your time allows, all the while experiencing passion as deeply as possible and containing it. If a clerk approaches, say, No, thank you; I'm just looking. But keep on wanting.

 

Pick circumstances relevant to your currently embraced capacity for deep passion, and try to experience, even more fully, the depths of your real desires. Learn to crave, and to stand delaying satisfaction.

 

EXERCISES FOR REASONABLENESS

 

Youth decides on the basis of biology--instinct and impulse--I like it, or, I don't want to. Adulthood brings the additional capacity of reasonableness--Even though I don't like medicine, I choose to take it. Youth sees a new gadget and wants it immediately. Adulthood, bringing the capacity for reason, while wanting also, says, Yes, but I can't afford it now.

 

Reasonableness is used here in its commonly accepted meaning of making sense, something more than mere logic alone. This Adult capacity involves the ability to weigh all one's data before arriving at a decision. Beginning with impulsive desire, one who is reasonable considers cause and effect--consequences, both personal and social. Sure it would feel good to sock the boss, but what about consequences? A reasonable person counts the costs, both financial and otherwise. What is the price? Can I afford it? Certainly this cake looks good, but do I need the extra calories?

 

These exercises are for stretching your ability to use reason in everyday life, for adding sense to impulse.

 

1. Eat reasonably


Pick one week during which you will focus on adding sense to your wants and tastes. Using only what you already know about proper diet, plan to begin on Monday morning and continue through the following Sunday night, giving regular attention to reasonable rather than impulsive eating. Choose healthy foods, reasonable amounts, and appropriate times for eating. If possible, avoid telling anyone about your exercise. Simply do it. If at any point during the week you realize that you have eaten unreasonably--too much, too little, unhealthy foods, etc., then immediately start again. Try for another full week, beginning at the time of your unreasonable eating. Keep on with the exercise until you are satisfied that you have gone for a full week, eating reasonably.

 

2. Reasonable exercise


Do the same thing, with attention focused on a reasonable amount of exercise each day, considering all the factors of your present life circumstances. Avoid any radical changes, but seek to reasonably balance your mental and physical activities for a full week. If at the end of any day during the week you realize that you have not done a reasonable amount of exercise, begin the exercise again the next morning. Continue until you go for a full week.

 

3. Reasonably shopping


Go on a shopping trip for any items relevant to your daily living--groceries, clothing, sports items, etc. The point of the exercise will be to make all your purchases with as much reason as possible. Consider each item from all perspectives. Do I want it? Can I use it? Do I already have enough? Is this the most desirable of the items available? Can I afford it? Can I get a better price elsewhere? Ask all the reasonable questions you can think of before you make each purchase. Think of your reasoning ability like a mental muscle. You are taking your sense-making muscle to the gym on this shopping trip.

 

COMMITMENT EXERCISES

 

The sixth element of Adulthood is the human capacity for accepting and establishing flexible limits. Youth's quest for total freedom is balanced by Adult's labor at structuring boundaries. Youth's idealism is kept in reasonable check by Adult's realism. While Youth is trying to erase all lines, Adult is attempting to continually draw new ones at the growing edge of one's accepted ability to tolerate freedom. To become fully human you must embrace this capacity also.

 

Again, the all-too-familiar use of commitment as virtuous, as an escape from the challenges of freedom, is to be avoided. The true Adult capacity involves commitment as a working way of maximizing freedom, not a walled-in way of escaping it. The structures of commitment are not good, only practical. The excesses of freedom are not bad, only impractical. For example, a budget, one such structure of commitment, is not virtuous. One does not become good by sticking to a budget, or bad by evading one.

 

Marriage, another form of commitment, is not inherently good. Nor is playing the field, an expression of embraced freedom, bad. Marriage, in reality, is but one practical structure for maximizing the delights of human relatedness which are first discovered in playing around. In embracing your capacity for commitment, the trap of self-righteousness, which inevitably results from making commitment a virtue, is to be avoided. The exercises which follow are intended to guide you in adding reasonable commitment to freedom, not for learning to do the right thing, or for protection from the excitement of exploring unknown limits.

 

1. Make a budget for a month, and live by it


Begin by trying to set realistic limits on your expenditures for one month. Sit down with your income and expense figures and decide on a reasonably use of money which you now have or expect to make in the coming month. Budget all items which are reasonable for you. Once you are satisfied that your figures balance--income and outflow, set a date and follow it to the penny. If, for example, your food budget is $100/week, stick by it. When your entertainment budget is reached, avoid any other expenditures on pleasure until the month is over. Explore your capacity for setting realistic limits on your financial world.

 

2. Budget your time for a week


Make a list of all the things which you normally do--eat, work, play, clean house, visit relatives, read, sleep, etc. Then decide what is a reasonable balance of your available time for each of these during an average week. For example, 8 hours per night for sleep, 2 hours per day for eating (including preparation), and so on. After you have filled all 288 hours, our common maximum, with a reasonable designation for your chosen activities, break your time budget down into its daily portions. Set a beginning day and start.

 

Carefully limit yourself to allotted times. Keep a note pad handy and record times spent at each activity during the day. At the end of each day, tally up your hours. If you go over on one category, for instance, if a movie takes more of your entertainment time than allotted for a single day, cut back on the following day. Before the week is over, see that all limits are carefully maintained. If your final tallies are out of proportion, begin the following week and try again. Continue the exercise until you have reasonably structured yourself for a full week.

 

3. Regulate your food for a week


Study your physical condition and food requirements. Get consultation if needed. Set yourself a reasonable diet with established limits in each food category. Once you are satisfied that your diet is reasonable for you, set a day and begin to eat carefully within its limits. Follow your diet religiously for an entire day. If you realize, on counting your calories at the end of a certain day, that you have gone over, eat less the following day. At the end of the week, if you have over stepped your limits, begin again. Do the exercise until you have successfully lived (eaten) within your established limits for one full week.

 

YOUR MALE ANGEL

 

Maleness is your capacity for overt power, for achieving goals by open, outward, aggressive pursuit. It represents your potential for being dominant. Being is italicized to emphasize a distinction from acting dominant. Assertive actions are considered later in the section on roles of Prince and King. Maleness is about a capacity, an element of being-who-you-are, which is distinguishable from any overt action. Often the capacity for Maleness will be visible in assertive actions; but not always. In either case, heeding your Male angel, embracing your Male shadow, involves becoming your masculinity, not merely acting dominant.

 

The school bully is often an example of one who acts dominant without being assertive. His aggressive actions may cloak the fact that he is inwardly afraid of rejection, a sissy at heart. He may act like a bully, while being a coward.

 

The expression, be a man, as contrasted with act like a man, may convey this distinction. In being manly, one's outward act can be anything which is appropriate to the circumstances, even retreating from a fight. Acting like a man does not allow this option. Usually one who is being manly will appear to act like a man, but not always.


The point is, these exercises on embracing masculinity are about consciously accepting a capacity for assertiveness, not simply about acting dominant. You can learn to act aggressive without being assertive at all, or, be overtly powerful and act passive when it is practical.

 

What you will be doing is accepting an inward capacity, becoming conscious and tolerant of a part of who-you-are, which does not necessarily involve doing anything in the outside world. No actions are inherently related to accepting any element of masculinity. Embracing your Male shadow occurs inside your skin rather than outside in the world, in your head, we might say, or, in your heart. The primary requirement will be the courage needed to become conscious of perhaps threatening parts of yourself which have been previously unaccepted.


OVERVIEW OF MALENESS

 

As amplified in the previous section on Maleness, masculinity can be broken down, for thought purposes, into six phases: lusting, seducing, and possessing--the primal level, plus wanting, achieving, and preserving--the social level.


Embracing your Male shadow will involve consciously accepting whatever real capacities you have in each of these areas. Remember, the challenge is being each capacity, not simply acting it out. Acting-out is often but an easy escape from the more difficult process of accepting and becoming a certain capacity.

 

LUSTING

 

The most primal element in Maleness is consciously experiencing sexual desire, most clearly called lusting. This masculine capacity is colloquially expressed as being turned on, horny, or, having the hots for. Although the stimulus for this internal state may be anything in the outside world--a person, place, or thing--the capacity itself is personal, in the final analysis, completely separate from the stimulus. It may occur even in sleep when one is cut off from nearly all outside stimuli.

 

In embracing this primal element of Maleness, one accepts the capacity to be turned on, that is, sexually passionate, regardless of what the stimuli may be, even if none is evident. In the exercises which follow, try to become conscious and to experience as completely as possible your own sexuality. Remember that being, that is, experiencing the capacity, is the goal; not acting it out. The exercises are about learning to consciously feel sexy, not to do sexy deeds involving other persons. To keep this distinction clear and to avoid the dangers of subverting your becoming lusty into merely acting out sexually, do all the exercises in private. Don't even tell anyone else you are practicing.

 

Read the following list and select exercises which seem more relevant and acceptable to your current circumstances and degree of embraced masculinity. If they all seem unnecessary for your experience, that is, if you believe this element of Maleness is already accepted, then skip to the second part of masculinity, seduction.

 

EXERCISES FOR LUSTING

 

1. Explore sexy pictures


Buy a pornographic magazine (or any type of publication which you find to be sexually stimulating); plan for at least fifteen minutes alone for leisurely enjoying looking and or reading. Arrange your circumstances so as not to be interrupted or to have to explain yourself to anyone. While perusing the magazine, allow yourself to experience any lusty feelings which may come to your mind. Without doing anything about the sexy feelings, simply let yourself to be consciously aware of how you feel.

 

2. Risk stimulation


Go to a place where you might possibly feel sexually stimulated (a beach, department store, busy street corner). Go alone so as not to be distracted in your exercise. While there, observe whatever stimulates you; see if you can consciously experience--again, without any action, as much sexual stimulation as possible. Stay as long as is practical and as you are able tolerate your continued lust.

 

3. See a stimulating movie


Select a movie (VCR or theater) which is likely to invite your passionate feelings, for example, X rated or romantic. Plan for time to see the movie alone. While watching the film, allow yourself to experience as much passion as you actually have. Be alert to any inclinations to judge yourself or the film in such a way as to suppress your own sexual feelings. Try to get beyond any false guilt you may feel about desire directed toward persons you are not legally married to. Remember, you are only going to feel your normal passions, not act them out. Feel as much as you can. Avoid suppression. If your feelings become too much to stand, or your false guilt gets overwhelming, turn it off or get up and leave. Pace yourself in all exercises, fitting practice to your currently embraced self. Go as fast as is feasible, but don't get ahead of yourself. Remember, you are adding to your current self, not changing or allowing it to be erased.

 

SEDUCING

 

The second element in primal masculinity is, for Tarzan, getting the girl, that is, translating conscious desire into action. Seducing includes all overt efforts which are needed to take charge of a real sexual event--making contact, securing agreement, setting the stage, directing the action, and culminating the encounter positively. Managing an act of intercourse, it might be called, from beginning to end.

 

Social circumstances, including legal and physical ramifications, are, of course, relevant to this element of your masculinity. Although embracing your capacity for seduction is the major issue, doing so in a socially acceptable manner is also important. Adapt the following suggested exercises to fit your particular circumstances. Naturally you should avoid doing anything which will get you in social trouble, legal or physical.

 

SEDUCTION EXERCISE

 

1. Practice seducing someone


Select a person who is reasonably a potential sexual partner for you, a candidate for seduction. Take into account, of course, the social ramifications noted above. Once the person is selected, think about and plan a possible sexual encounter for which you will be completely responsible. Take your own sexual desires into fullest account, the things which are most stimulating and satisfying to you. This exercise is a continuation of those begun before. You will be putting lusting into fuller practice, trying to experience even greater degrees of your possible capacities for feeling passion.

 

Since another person is now involved, you must also add consideration of his or her sexuality. What the other person likes and doesn't like sexually may even take precedence over your own desires in this exercise. Since the focus is now on seduction rather than desire only, give major attention to artfully arranging the sexual encounter, taking into account both your and their sexual preferences.

 

Think through the event as completely as possible before you begin. Consider every detail you can imagine. Once your idealized experience is clear to you, proceed with implementing your plan, attempting to maximize your passion at every step of the way. Traditionally, this is called courting or wooing. Practice your courting ability. Use your best knowledge in relating to your selected partner in all the ways which lead from Hello to the bedroom, then from silence to Wow.


If you do a really good job in embracing your masculine capacity for seduction, pleasing both yourself and the other, you will be affirmed inwardly and outwardly--by your feelings and your results.


If you are unsuccessful in your first attempt, try again. Seduction is a powerful capacity, not easily embraced. Continue to practice, repeating this exercise with variations on the theme, until you feel completely comfortable and satisfied with your embraced capacity for seduction.


Although this practice is focused on sexual passion only, you will discover later that the arts of seduction, rooted in sexuality, are applicable in many other arenas of life.

 

POSSESSING

 

Primal masculinity is completed for Tarzan in activities related to keeping Jane. First he wants her; then he gets her; finally he keeps her. In his insightful book entitled, PHALLOS, SACRED IMAGE OF THE MASCULINE, Eugene Monick notes that possession and ownership are an intrinsic characteristic of phallos. Phallic patterning predisposes a man to need to possess his place of entry.

 

Males of all species are inherently possessive of their females. All Tarzans are genetically driven to keep their Janes for themselves alone. Jealousy is focused on anything--person or activity--which threatens the Male's possession of his sexual partner, even his own offspring. Male jealousy in this regard is essentially different from Female jealousy. Jane's concerns are primarily related to security rather than sex. Tarzan, however, is possessive of his sexual partner. Security is secondary to him.

 

This type of genetic possessiveness, evidenced in feelings of jealousy or threat at the possible loss of a sexual partner, is to be distinguished from other psychologically rooted feelings which bear the same name. Tarzan's possessiveness and related jealousy is a healthy part of masculinity. No person can embrace his or her capacity for Maleness without accepting this natural inclination also. Even though society seldom makes this distinction, tending to condemn all jealousy, one who would embrace masculinity must learn to be positively possessive of those to whom he is sexually attracted.

 

Experiencing this normal possessiveness--feeling it--is to be distinguished, of course, from literally carrying it out in life. No person can actually possess another person, male or female, without a loss of personhood. At issue here is admitting and responsibly activating this element in Maleness, that is, being possessive, not acting it out.

 

EXERCISES FOR POSSESSING

 

1. Think about jealousy


Think of a person with whom you have had overt sexual experience. How do you feel about losing that person to someone else as a sexual partner? In embracing this third element of masculinity you will confront clearly and consciously your natural feelings of possessiveness. Admit it; you want your partner all to yourself alone. This feeling, at least, is what this exercise is about. Give yourself time to honestly consider how you would feel, if you haven't already, about sharing, which is often considered virtuous in society.

 

Perhaps your life circumstances have already forced you to confront this possibility. If so, give full freedom to becoming conscious, without judgment of the feeling, of your jealousy related to the loss of possession of a sexual partner. Feel it, as powerfully as you can allow. Such possessiveness is a completely normal aspect of Maleness.

 

2. Practice containment


Next you must learn to contain your possessiveness, instead of acting it out. One of the easiest and most common escapes from embracing this element of Maleness, from learning to be possessive, is to immediately translate any awareness of the feeling into some overtly possessive action. Acting jealously is not necessarily the same as being jealous. Here our concern is with learning to embrace the capacity, to be possessive, not merely to act that way.


So that you may learn to make this distinction within yourself, to own or contain this personal attribute instead of evading it by action, pick a circumstance in which you can practice feeling jealous without doing anything about it. Go to some event with a sexual partner of yours--perhaps a party, dance, or social occasion--at which attention to your lover is likely from some other potential sexual partner. Then allow yourself to consciously feel your jealousy. Watch them dance or converse; see how possessive you actually are. Let your emotions of jealousy have freedom in your mind. Imagine what might happen between them. What if you should lose him or her? What if they went home together, leaving you there?

 

Since this exercise is about containment, carefully conceal your feelings. Act non-possessive, as though it doesn't matter, but remain thoroughly aware of just how possessive you actually feel. Seethe, if necessary; burn with anger, but own your jealousy as your own, rather than self-righteously getting upset about what your partner is doing to you. You probably have the capacity to contain, as well as experience, this and all other elements of masculinity. Though it may not seem so at the time, you are likely to be completely capable of experiencing all your lust, excitement in seduction, and later possessiveness, without any serious damage to yourself. People don't die of desire, ecstasy, and jealousy experienced; only their denial is likely to become physically dangerous.

 

3. Learn to stand jealousy


Practice the above exercises, or variations which you contrive, until you are able to both feel jealous and to contain your own possessiveness without dumping it on those you care for. Then you will be ready for this third exercise. To confirm your ability to experience and contain your jealousy, try telling someone about it. Pick a person not involved and not likely to be upset by your feelings. Then try to express, as clearly and honestly as you can, the full extent of your jealousy. Tell the person just how possessive you actually are.

 

Finally, after you can comfortably and acceptingly confess (in case you feel guilty about the feeling) your possessiveness to some innocent bystander, consider revealing your feelings to your lover. Try telling your sexual partner just how possessive you actually feel. Be especially careful to claim your feelings as your own, rather than projecting them onto your partner--as though he or she caused you to feel thusly. Before blurting out how you feel, set the stage by asking permission to reveal one of your own feelings which may be disturbing to you as well as them. If your partner agrees to listen, be careful to word your confession in I language, that is, to begin each sentence with I feel thus and so, rather than describing your partner's actions and what he or she is doing to you. Remember, you are revealing yourself, not accusing your partner.

 

This exercise will be successfully completed when you can make your revelation to your lover, fully and honestly, and you both get a laugh about it. If your first attempt proves too threatening to either of you, delay and try again later. Remember that the point of telling is only to help you learn to more consciously embrace--and own as your own--your masculine capacity for possessiveness of a lover. You are not trying to change things, certainly not the behavior of your lover, but to more completely become your natural masculine self. You are embracing your Maleness, not trying to get someone else to be responsible for it.

 

WANTING

 

When Tarzan brings primal desire, lust, into society, the focus of masculinity shifts from Jane, the female, to an almost infinite variety of symbolic substitutes for the erection of his phallus and her, its receiver. These may be summarized in the categories of possessions (guns and fishing rods, cars and boats)--symbolic of penis and vagina; wealth (the means of acquiring possessions); social and political status (external power for getting Jane and her substitutes); success and fame (also symbolic of completed seductions--Look what I did).

 

Masculinity, at the level of society, inherently wants these things. Before consciousness or reason ever enter the picture, Maleness is directed to lust for Janes and to want things symbolic of her. Before and after logic, those who have accepted their Maleness crave possessions, wealth, status, success, and fame.

 

In embracing this element of masculinity, one consciously accepts these inclinations within him or herself. Instead of fighting the cravings, as though they are evil, not-me, or merely translating them, unconsciously, into action, one responsibly embraces the fullness of inherent lusting after things as well as sexual partners.

 

Because lusting is often condemned by society and religion, false guilt is common when you begin to face such wanting. Consequently, in the exercises which follow, you may encounter the necessity for confessing or admitting your desires, as though they are bad. Recognize any such false guilt; confront it courageously as you attempt to embrace the full scope of your capacity for wanting--whatever you want. Remember, desire is inherent in masculinity. Wanting is not evil within itself.

 

EXERCISES FOR WANTING

 

1. Think about wanting


Begin with paper and pen, plus at least thirty minutes alone in comfortable circumstances. Once you have arranged your place and time, start focusing your thoughts on what you want in life. Try to let your real desires into awareness. Forget so-called facts of life or reality for a time. If it weren't for circumstances, what would you want? Be honest; what are your true desires? Besides all the things which you know you should want (to be good, loyal, and responsible, for example), what do you actually want?

 

As you begin to bring your desires into focus, start writing them down. Make a list. Forget order or priorities; write them down as fast as you think. Perhaps you will begin with possessions. What things do you want which you don't now have? Forget about money, temporarily; if you were rich, what would you want to buy first? Thinking of money, how much would you truly want to have? $100,000? A million? How much can you crave?

 

What about status? How much social or political power would you like to wield? Think of persons of status you may envy. Do you want more status? How much? And how about success? Are you as successful as you want to be? How much success do you really want? Do you want more fame and recognition?

 

List as many of your wants as you dare. Then go back over the list, leisurely, and let yourself feel the power of desire flow through your body as you think of what you want. Go ahead; crave. Embrace your capacity for wanting, fiercely.

 

2. Talk to someone about wanting


In this second exercise you will attempt to bring your desires even more into the open. Select a friend who you think will be able to hear and understand without judging you to be vain or unreasonable. Ask if your friend is willing to listen to you talk about wanting. If you get a positive answer, try telling all about your desires. Be as specific as possible, expressing both the objects and the power of your craving. Remember, the point is not simply to tell, but to use the experience of relating the information as a procedure for more fully bringing your capacity for wanting into the light of consciousness.

 

3. Choose a day of wanting


Pick a day during your usual week in which you will focus on this aspect of yourself. The goal for the day will be to consciously feel, in the course of normal activities, a fuller scope of your real desires. In the midst of what you may be doing, remain attentive to your deeper desires. Think often: What do I want now? For example, while washing dishes you might allow yourself this desire: I truly want a dishwasher. Let yourself feel the strength of the desire. Walking down the street, you might crave a Jaguar or Cadillac, or the wealth of a person you meet. Whatever you do during the day, allow yourself to also be attentive to as many wants as you can.

 

At the end of the day, review yourself. Think back and see how many cravings you can recall. Make up other exercises which allow you to focus on embracing your masculine capacity for wanting. Set as a goal: become a regularly and fully wanting person. Resign from the club of those who don't know what they want.

 

ACHIEVING

 

The fifth element of masculinity involves translating the fourth into action. Once Maleness desires, it is instinctively inclined to seek the objects of desire. Tarzan tries to get Jane; John Doe tries to get wealth. In society, achieving always involves overcoming the obstacles which stand in the way of one's goals. This means competing; trying to win. Maleness is inherently competitive, striving to win, to come out on top, to achieve all chosen goals.

 

Competition ultimately involves the capacity to kill. The Male urge to achieve--at any cost, even life or death, is so deeply rooted that it has been called the killer instinct. Short of actual killing, Maleness is crude and forceful, unkind and unmannerly, in its quest for the top. It is rough and tough, like the proverbial bull in the china shop. This element of Maleness is uncouth and uncooperative, pointedly focused on achieving whatever it has selected to go after.

 

Embracing your killer instinct, the urge to win at any cost, can be particularly challenging in society which is often dominated by feminine values. Yet to become masculine, to embrace Maleness, is to accept this capacity also. Reason, of course, should be added to guide your practice here. Carefully note and respect social circumstances; yet be diligent in confronting and consciously accepting your own competitiveness-- lest you remain unconsciously dictated by it, hurting others when you don't mean to.

 

EXERCISES FOR ACHIEVING

 

1. Feel competitive


The first step in embracing this element of Maleness is, for many, learning to accept competitive feelings. Women, in particular, geared toward cooperativeness, may find accepting their own killer instinct to be grandly challenging. Getting past everybody-must-win, or I'm-supposed-to-lose, and on to I-want-to-win-regardless, is the first order for homework in this area. One must learn to risk, face, and consciously accept these perfectly normal masculine impulses before reason can even be applied to them.

 

A good way to begin is with table games--monopoly, chess, bridge, checkers, etc. Arrange to play a game during which you will focus on becoming aware of any competitive feelings you have but may have previously suppressed. Instead of playing for fun or trying to be nice to all players, play to win. See if you can feel truly competitive and give victory your best shot.

 

If you are losing, go ahead and experience the unsettling feelings of failure. Instead of pretending that it doesn't matter, see if you can stand the normal feelings of pain-at-losing. Whether you win or lose, be alert to the fullest extent of your killer instinct--ecstasy in victory, or agony in defeat.

 

2. Get involved in a game


Attend a sports activity or watch an athletic contest on TV. Pick one of the teams or players to identify with. Pretend that you have bet a large sum of money on your chosen players. While watching, get as emotionally involved as you possibly can. Instead of just watching the people or wondering what will happen, see if you can become competitively involved. Give your competitive urges free range. Cheer your team; condemn the enemy. Try to feel the win or loss as completely as possible. Avoid retreating into Oh, it's just a game, or the virtuous notion that It's not in whether you win or lose, but how you play the game. For this element of masculinity, winning is everything. Losing is disastrous. See if you can feel these potential feelings within yourself.

 

3. Try verbal competition


Although arguing is against the feminine urge to cooperate, it can be an excellent arena for experiencing the masculine drive to win. Pick a person who is willing to argue and see if you can learn to fight with words. Use verbal competition as a way of more fully embracing your capacity to crave a victory. Good competitive arguing does have its rules, just as all team games do. Learn the rules of fair verbal fighting (be reasonable; no hitting below the belt; etc.), and, in selected circumstances, exercise your competitive urges in verbal as well as table games.

 

PRESERVING

 

Once victory is achieved--possessions, wealth, status, success, or fame--Maleness, in this its final element, seeks to preserve or keep what it has gotten. Just as Tarzan always tries to keep Jane all to himself alone, so masculinity in society strives to multiply and maintain its achievements. Maleness is inherently stingy in this regard. It refuses to give up easily in achieving what it desires (element five), and once success--to any degree--has come, masculinity inherently seeks to preserve it.

 

1. Practice with ideas


Once your have won an argument or established an opinion with someone, continue to maintain your position at later meetings. Even is you change your mind, make an exercise of protecting the mental space you have carved out in your initial victory. Bring up the subject again and give additional supporting data. If the other person counters later with another argument for their opposing position, be prepared to defend your territory.


To keep the subject alive, invite the person to try to prove you wrong at a later occasion. Bring it up again yourself. The point is to keep yourself aware of preserving a mental victory you have previously won.

 

2. Build a reputation


Pick something you have an aptitude or skill for doing and try to establish a reputation in the area. For example, if you are good at a table game such as monopoly or bridge, a sport like tennis, or an art like sewing, painting, or cooking, seek occasions to let others know of your skill. Display your wares. Let it be known that you can do whatever you do well. Carve out a territory for yourself in some area of your expertise.

 

Then the real exercise begins: Maintain it. Defend your reputation against any who may challenge it. Look, for instance, for others to challenge in a game of your choice. If your reputation is related to a personal art, such as cooking, look for occasions to demonstrate your skill to others. Enter contests in which your art will be judged by others. Once known, discipline yourself to keep any reputation you are able to establish.

 

3. Maintain a business


If you are able to establish yourself in a business venture, for instance in marketing or selling a product, try to keep it going after any initial success is over. Your healthy Male impulses will incline you in this direction. Listen to them. Embrace your capacity to hang in after the affirmations are over. Stick to it. Don't give up. Preserve what you have done.

 

4. Keep a relationship


Many types of relationships are easy to begin, difficult to maintain. Once you have established yourself with a friend, lover, or spouse, look for your preserving angel, the inner voice of your Maleness which will incline you to do whatever is necessary for keeping what you have gotten. If someone else tries to take your friend or lover from you, fight to keep them. The issue, of course, is not merely possession of another person, but rather your own capacity for preserving the fruits of your labors.


Instead of acting like you don't care, acknowledge that you do, and give your best efforts to extending a relationship as long as possible. If there are no outside threats, look for inside conflicts which may threaten security and devote attention to resolving them. Accept your natural desire and capacity for preserving your personal space with other persons.

 

YOUR FEMALE ANGEL

 

Your Female angel represents your capacity for achieving goals through covert power, for getting what you want by being passive rather than active. As noted earlier, covert power is often mistakenly identified with weakness. The sword, waved about, does indeed look powerful; yet the anvil may outlast the sword and accomplish more also. In either case, while heeding your Female angel, recognize your work as accepting another form of power, not as becoming weak.

 

Note also that the goal is becoming--being covert, not merely acting like it. For example, patience is one evidence of covert power embraced. Femininity can be patient; it can truly wait, as contrasted with the act of holding oneself back while inwardly chomping at the bit. In each of the elements of Femaleness to be considered next, remember that embracing means accepting and activating--becoming, not simply learning to act like it.

 

Because masculine logic, based on the principle of either/or, implies that one must either be one way or the other--either overt or covert, an understanding of the feminine principle of both/and may be helpful in confronting the prospects of embracing femininity. A man, for example, who accepts his Femaleness, is not giving up his Maleness--becoming a sissy or losing his masculinity. He is adding to what he has already become, becoming more. Instead of being just a man, he will now become more of a person, including both Maleness and Femaleness. Nor is a woman who embraces her femininity giving up the capacity to take care of herself, agreeing, in effect, to remain dependent on men. She is, instead, adding to the masculinity she has already accepted.

 

The point is, the familiar masculine threat of being sissy and its feminine counterpart, being dependent, while logical within a masculine framework, are unreasonable from the perspective of both/and. A person can be both Male and Female, without sacrifice of either capacity. Indeed, each is actually enhanced with the addition of the other. A man is likely to become more of a man when he also has the option of being appropriately Female--that is, when he is not trapped in Maleness only. A woman will predictably become more feminine when she is not limited to Femaleness only.

 

Understanding this principle won't replace the courage necessary for embracing femininity, but it may ease some of the possible threat which if you have identified yourself with masculinity or tried to deny femininity.

 

OVERVIEW OF FEMALENESS

 

In the previous discussion of femininity, covert power was summarized with the single word, yielding. Femininity is yielding or tender, in contrast with overt power which is firm or tough. Femaleness achieves through receptivity rather assertiveness. Whereas Maleness is inclined to act now, Femaleness can wait.

 

We also noted that femininity is rooted in what we have learned to call feeling, rather than in thinking, in intuition rather than logic. Embracing femininity may therefore be understood in an overall sense as coming to be a feeling person, instead of being limited to logic or thinking only. Tenderness is being added to toughness; feeling to thinking.

 

Specifically, the elements of femininity were outlined as: attracting, receiving, attaching--on the primal level, and arranging, tending, and stabilizing--on the social level. Adding your Femaleness will mean consciously accepting and activating whatever real capacities you have in each of these areas. The suggested exercises which follow are intended as potentially fruitful arenas for this significant challenge. They may be good places to do your homework. None of them will work, that is, do it for you, but each may guide you as you face the wonderful option of embracing your Female shadow.

 

ATTRACTING

 

Looks are the most primal element in femininity. The lusting of masculinity is invited by the Female capacity for looking worthy of being lusted after. Femaleness looks good so Maleness will take a good look. This first group of exercises is about accepting your capacity to attract attention to yourself, to appear in such a manner that others are invited to see you.

 

Remember too that the goal is more than merely acting attractive or pretending to look good by dressing up. The challenge is coming to be, literally, attractive. The exercises, of course, can only be about what you do. You can complete the list by simply going through the motions. Instead of this, of merely improving your act, listen to your angel voices and give yourself to the effort of becoming what you do as you do it. Begin, of course, with the act; but while carrying it out, try also to make it real--to feel your primal urges to be attracting.

 

EXERCISES FOR ATTRACTING

 

1. Buy an outfit


Imagine a social occasion where you will be seen by others, perhaps a party or dinner. Think about the most attractive clothing you can imagine for the event. If you were to focus on calling positive attention to yourself with your outfit, what would you wear? The emphasis here is on positive attention, not merely making them look. How might you dress so that others will enjoy seeing you?

 

Next, go shopping. Within your financial means, go and buy a complete new outfit considering these goals. Take as long as necessary for finding every piece of clothing--shoes, underwear, outerwear, accessories--which you might wear. Go alone. If you need help, ask clerks for advice. Don't take a friend, lest you be distracted from the focus of this exercise, namely, learning to be attractive through dress.

 

Imagine, all the while, how you will look to others. Select every item of clothing, including those which will not be seen, as though they will. Make yourself attractive, from skin out, with everything you wear.

 

After purchasing your complete outfit, go home and put it all on. Comb your hair; if you are a woman, put on your make-up. Stand in front of a mirror and see how attractive you look. Imagine being at an event as you are now dressed. Try to feel your pleasure in being attractive.

 

2. Dress up and go out


Pick a social occasion when you will have no personal responsibility for or during the event--for example, a party or dinner which you may attend. Set as your goal for this occasion: learning to be physically attractive through dress. Don't tell anyone else about your exercise. Before beginning to dress for the event, think carefully about your outfit and the people who may be present. What will be tastefully attractive to those likely to be attending? Consider the clothing you already own. If your previously purchased outfit is appropriate for the occasion, put it on.

 

Once at the event, while engaging in the activities, keep a part of your attention focused on how you present yourself. Try to let others see and be drawn to the way you look. If conversation is called for, talk; but remain attentive to being visually attractive.

 

While engaging in this outward exercise--and here is the main part, see if you can stand any attention you get AND ENJOY IT. Looking attractive must come first, but the major issue is learning to stand being attractive and enjoying it.

 

3. Be attractive


This exercise is about functioning attractively. You may think of it as acting, but the emphasis is on being the way you act. Pick an entire day during which you will focus on presenting yourself, in all the events of the day, in the most attractive way possible. Beginning with your dress in the morning--dress for attract-ability; then, throughout the day, think of how you appear to those you meet, both your clothes and the way you move and speak. Tend to your regular business, of course, but while doing so, give a part of your attention to being attractive. Watch the response you get from others; see if they are being attracted to you. Strive to increase your attractiveness throughout the day.

 

RECEIVING

 

The second primal element in femininity is receptivity. While Maleness is about lusting and seducing, Femaleness is about attracting and receiving. First, you get attention; then you accept it. Jane gets Tarzan to look (while he goes around looking); then, once he sees her, she says in countless ways, Come up and see me sometimes. She receives her caller.

 

Receptivity, as the physical metaphor portrays, involves being present to take what is given. As the vagina receives the penis and sperm in the sex event, so femininity receives the other person in the life event. Receptivity is both physical and mental; it includes presence of body and mind in a stance of receiving.

 

In the following exercises, think about more fully embracing your capacity to accept another, as presented. Forget about doing anything, or changing anything; just receive, graciously. Learn to be receptive.

 

EXERCISES FOR RECEPTIVITY

 

1. Receive a compliment


If someone comments directly on your attractiveness, for example, compliments your dress or something you do, then accept the affirmation graciously. Avoid putting down on yourself (Oh, it was nothing). Either smile acceptingly, or say, Thank you, but keep your attention focused on receiving the compliment. Often people avoid receiving a compliment by quickly returning one to the giver. Oh, that is a lovely outfit you are wearing also. Or they will combine a put down on themselves with an effort to give a compliment at the same time. Oh, it was on sale at Sears; but you are kind to notice.

 

In this exercise, which may be extended over several days, try to avoid any response which tempts you away from being receptive. Learn to take it, without running away verbally. Until you learn to receive compliments graciously, the larger challenges of receiving persons will probably evade you also.

 

2. Listen to someone


Listening, when done effectively, is receiving with the ear. In contrast with advising or helping, such listening focuses on receiving the other person verbally. Pick a period of at least one hour for conversation with a friend. While talking, keep your main attention on receiving your friend verbally, that is, taking in all that he or she has to say. Keep your responses to a minimum, carefully avoiding any efforts to advise or help. Certainly you will stay away from arguing. Imagine that you are hugging the person with your ears, that you are enfolding your friend with your listening.


Try to receive the person's statements as completely and graciously as you did the compliments in the first exercise. If you are tempted to stop listening, to interrupt with your own opinions, to disagree or to give advice, carefully resist such diversions. Remember, you are learning to receive. You can't be Female if you can't really listen.

 

3. Be sexually receptive


If your life circumstances include the possibility of sexual activity, do this exercise. Pick a sexual event during which you will focus most of your attention on learning to be a receiver of the other person. This is the counterpart of the masculine exercise in seduction. Learn to be seduced, positively--that is, to be the one who receptively responds to seductive efforts of another.


Because you are to be the seduced one, you will, of course, have to artfully invite and then wait to begin the exercise until you pick up some sign of response from your potential partner--perhaps a look, a touch, a seductive word. As a receiver, be attentive to any such clues. Whenever you recognize some favorable attraction to you, respond in a receptive manner.


For example, suppose your potential partner smiles at you. Smile back, receptively. Say with your face, I accept your offering of attraction. If you are touched, casually, remain in contact long enough to convey your receptivity to further contact. If you hear a seductive comment, play the game. Say enough to let your partner know you are receptive to further playing.

 

If you are a woman, match your bodily receptivity in the sex event with equal mental and emotional receptivity. Receive your partner as a person as well as a penis. If you are a man and your part of the sexual event involves being physically active, remain focused on responding to your partner's sexual clues, receiving and responding to each in an affirming manner. Whether you are physically female or male, throughout this exercise, keep your attention focused on learning to be receptive of the other person, no matter what you are doing.

 

ATTACHING

 

The feminine counterpart to masculine possessiveness is attachment. Masculinity is satisfied in owning; femininity is only fulfilled in intimate relationship with the other. The sperm-giver wants to have the sperm-receiver, but the baby-maker also wants to be close to the supply-provider. Translating these biological clues into non-gendered femininity, the word is attachment. Maleness doesn't want to get pinned down; but Femaleness wants to get close. The masculine attraction to freedom is paralleled by the feminine desire for commitment. Tarzan wants to play the field; Jane wants to get married. He wants to fool around; she, to be faithful--and have him so also.

 

Maleness, quite properly, opposes commitment; Femaleness seeks it. In embracing femininity, one accepts the capacity to cling, to be close, to get intimate (meaning much more than sexual only). To the capacity for objectivity, being unattached, one adds the corollary, subjectivity--getting attached. Until one learns, that is, embraces this Female capacity for attachment, he or she remains less than a whole person.

 

The following exercises can't, of course, do it for you; but while practicing them you may listen for your Female angel and accept more of your own feminine shadow.

 

ATTACHMENT EXERCISES

 

1. Bear Hugging


Getting physically close may be a good place to begin practice. With a person you care for, one not likely to be offended, practice hugging in a clinging manner. Instead of the common A Frame type hugging, in which only the arms and shoulders are in contact, stand close and hug from head to foot--like two I's standing together, rather than two sides of an A.

 

The exercise is about physical intimacy, not sexual stimulation. Feel whatever during the exercise, but focus your attention on clinging, on standing and holding closely rather than holding back--as though you were both one person. Be aware of any tension in your body; try to relax completely. Practice this exercise on different occasions until you learn to stand physical attachment without threat or shifting it into something sexual.

 

Of course you must also respect the tolerance of the other person for this type of closeness; but avoid being the first to pull back. Be sensitive to any threat the other may feel, yet give your attention to learning to more fully embrace your own capacity for being attached, physically.

 

2. Pets and Plants


If you don't already have one, get a pet or plant (or both), and see how attached you can get to it. For example, suppose you decide on a potted plant. Once the plant is selected, learn all you can about tending to it. Place it in a spot where you will see it often. Touch and talk to it, as though it were a person--that is, get personal with the plant. Find out about its tastes for water and plant food. Tend it carefully. Avoid telling anyone about your exercise and see if they notice your care. Extend the exercise as long as you like; but keep your attention focused on allowing yourself to get as emotionally attached as possible to the plant, to care what happens to it.

 

If you decide on a pet, say a puppy, follow the same procedure. Learn all about the particular breed as well as the individual traits of your animal. Take full charge of tending to your pet. Name it yourself, with a name you like. Spend as much time as possible in playing with the pet. In the entire process, practice letting go and getting committed. See if you can embrace your capacity to get attached to a plant or animal. If you don't learn to tolerate attachment on the sub-human level, where the invitations to involvement are far less, you will certainly find the challenges of human involvement beyond you.

 

ARRANGING

 

In society, feminine attention to looks is expanded to include possessions and surroundings. The feminine counterpart of masculine desire-to-acquire is the urge-to-beautify, to arrange all things and spaces as attractively as possible. Femininity deeply wants everything to look good, meaning: to be placed and arranged harmoniously. Masculinity, focused on how-things-work, cannot understand this parallel attention to how-things-look. Past pragmatic placing--so it will be functionally available, Maleness knows nothing about arranging a table or furniture, certainly not the intricacies of human relationships. Embracing this element of femininity involves going past pragmatism and rules, on to accepting feeling--your inward eye for how things look.

 

EXERCISES FOR ARRANGING

 

1. Hanging pictures


If your living arrangements allow you control over decorations, do this exercise. Select a room and attempt to make it more visually attractive by acquiring and placing pictures or other hanging objects on the walls. If you live with someone, you will, of course, secure their cooperation in this exercise. Tell them what you are trying; if they are willing, proceed with the exercise. Perhaps some agreement to change it later will be feasible, in case your arrangements are not acceptable. Once you begin, survey the room carefully. See what it needs to be more attractive. Think of possible pictures or other objects which might be placed on the walls. Perhaps these will include photographs you already own. Maybe you will have to shop for other pictures. Make a project out of picture-arranging.


Your focus, during the entire process, will be getting in conscious contact with your own capacities for arranging things attractively. If you have always left this up to others, begin now to get involved in embracing your arranging abilities, your Female eye for beauty.

 

2. Redecorate a room


Pick a certain room in your house. Consider a total rearrangement of the furniture, fixtures, colors, and decorations in the room. Set as a continuing project the goal of making the room both practical and, here is the exercise: more beautiful. Think of submitting a photograph of the room to HOUSE BEAUTIFUL for inclusion in a magazine of how it might look. Don't tell about your exercise, except to secure the cooperation of anyone else who may also be using the room. Avoid any help on how to do it. The idea is to give yourself permission to confront and try to embrace your innate capacities for beautifying spaces.

 

First, go and sit in the room, carefully examining everything. What fits? What doesn't? What looks good? What is out of place? How do the colors blend? What colors might look better? How could the furniture be rearranged? What wall pieces might add to the total beauty of the room?


Next, purchase a number of magazines showing pictures of how others decorate similar rooms. Look for ideas you may use. Start going to stores, looking at furniture, fixtures, paint colors, etc. During all this process, think of becoming conscious of what looks good to you. Instead of relying on others for beautifying your space, you will be increasing your own independence in this area.

 

Finally, begin the project. Purchase the paint or wall covering you selected. Do, or have done, the labor of getting it on. Continue until you are satisfied that you have made and arranged the entire room as attractively as you can. Then stand back and admire your own emerging capacity for arranging things, your innate Female ability for creating beauty in spaces as well as on faces.

 

TENDING

 

Femininity also includes the maternal instinct, the urge to tend to, to take care of, to help, to serve others. The more primal inclination to receive and take care of sperm is diffused, on the social level, into a general drive for tending to spaces, people, and situations. Femininity naturally cares about things and relationships. While masculinity is driven to compete, to win, to achieve, femininity is equally called to cooperate, to care, and to tend to. While Male builds and protects cities, Female builds and protects community. While Male brings home the bacon, Female brings up the family,--that is, Maleness, in general, achieves things, while Femaleness tends to things (and people).

 

TENDING EXERCISES

 

1. Clean the house


Begin with things. Embrace your capacity for tending to places, managing the dirt, we may call it. Relate this exercise to your presently embraced ability for tending to the house, beginning where you are. If you don't do clothes, learn to handle the washing--how to sort clothes, select soap, load and operate the machine; to dry, fold, and return the cleaned clothes to their owner.


If you don't do dishes, take over this regular household function. For at least a week, assume complete responsibility for doing the dishes--cleaning the table, scraping and washing, putting up cleaned dishes, in general, cleaning the kitchen.

 

Plan an entire day for housecleaning--vacuuming floors, dusting, putting things in place--tending to the house.

 

These exercises are, of course, more than simply learning skills. That too, but the principle issue is embracing your capacity to enjoy tending to things, rather than leaving this ability unaccepted and yourself dependent on others.

 

2. Tend to people


After practicing with things, add people to your challenge. Again, fit the level of the exercise to your currently embraced capacity for tending. Perhaps you will begin with babysitting for others, or taking a day to tend to your own children. If you do not have children of your own, borrow some. Most parents will be delighted to lend theirs for a day, if they know you and you appear responsible. Plan to go to the zoo, circus, or perhaps to a mall and a movie. Be creative in tending to the circumstances as well as the persons you have selected.

 

Advance from children to adults. Look for a social services situation in which you may help grown persons. Perhaps you will teach a class for adults, or engage in some community service project for needy families. Whatever you choose, select a project which places you in direct contact with adults who need some form of tending to.

 

3. Tend to a relationship


Pick a particular source of irritation or problem in a relationship which matters to you, perhaps with a friend, child, or spouse. Set as your goal trying to confront and deal with the difference in a creative way which aims at resolution, that is, tending to the situation in a way which is satisfactory to all. Forget about competing and winning for awhile; focus on cooperating and connecting. Look for resolution, not victory.

 

Perhaps you will begin by trying to more thoroughly accept the person involved. Acceptance is one of the major feminine elements in tending to relationships. Consider this possible capacity within yourself. Learn to accept. To the masculine inclination to understand, add your feminine capacity to accept, even what you cannot understand.

 

Be creative in your effort to tend to this irritating place in the relationship. Again, remember that the goal is more than a masculine effort to solve a problem; you are learning to embrace your feminine ability to tend to a relationship. The two are often different. Sometimes actual solution is impossible; resolution often involves more. Caring for, or tending to, is a challenging human capacity, especially when its focus moves from things to people. Be diligent in learning to embrace this capacity also.

 

STABILIZING

 

The last element in femininity, complementing the masculine drive to multiply and preserve the achievements of competition, is the urge to stabilize the results of cooperation. Masculinity makes war to keep what it has gotten. Femininity makes peace to maintain the fruits of its labors. When there is a problem, Maleness says: Let's fight about it. Femaleness says: Let's not fight; let's work it out. Masculinity fights to keep a territory; femininity strives to keep peace within the territory (community, family, or relationship). World War I was masculinity acted-out. The League of Nations was a feminine effort at peace-making, often a challenge more complicated than warring.


Brought to the local level, femininity strives to keep the family intact--to keep harmony among the children, fidelity between the parents, and peace for everyone, indeed, at any price. Staying together, for sake of the children, or any other reason, is but one more expression of this essentially feminine drive to stabilize at all costs. To become a whole person, one will embrace this element of femininity also.

 

STABILIZING EXERCISES

 

1. Settle an argument


Look for an occasion of disagreement between persons--children or adults. This should be the easy part of the exercise. Once a conflict is located, try to embrace your capacity for being a peacemaker. Instead of taking the masculine way of finding out who is right and who is wrong, then siding with truth and punishing error, forget about right and wrong. Femininity is about mercy, not justice. You can deal with learning to be fair in other exercises. For now, the challenge is confronting your possibility of becoming a peacemaker also.

 

This is not the place for a lesson in conflict resolution, but be creative in applying your best understanding or how to re-establish peace between the participants in the argument. Perhaps you will ask them to let you hear each side of the disagreement. Be careful in listening, however, lest you simply fall into the masculine role of judge. Remember, you are trying to stabilize peace, not establish justice.

 

2. Accept something you don't understand


Resolve a conflict in a relationship through the path of acceptance. One of the most profound capacities of femininity is its ability to accept, even that which is beyond personal understanding. Masculinity alone can never do this. Only when a problem is grasped or in some way understood is Maleness able to confront it. In this exercise you will attempt to lay aside the masculine way, the path of overt power, and embrace the feminine way, covert power. Instead of a sword, you will try to become the anvil for a time.

 

Pick a conflict which may be closer to your current level of possible acceptance. Don't try to go all the way the first time. A small misunderstanding will work perfectly well for this exercise. Once you have selected a sore spot in your relationship, go to the other person involved and ask them to tell you more about their side of the issue. If it is a long standing issue, they will, of course, be suspicious. Allay these fears by explaining that you simply want to know more about where they are coming from.

 

If they agree, here is where the challenge begins. While listening, lay aside all thoughts about justifying your own position. Forget completely about justice or fairness; even understanding. You will not be trying to make sense of what the other is saying, but to hear it more completely so you can then face the challenge of accepting it at face value, without understanding.

 

Practice as often as possible, until you have opened the door and accepted this powerful part of femininity.


YOUR PRINCE ANGEL

 

Prince angel represents the role combining human capacities (Youth and Male) expressed in exploring the unknown. The playfulness of Youth combined with the assertiveness of Male results in a spontaneous venture into the uncharted world surrounding the individual. Many facets of ordinary life call for effectiveness in the Prince's role.

 

PRINCE EXERCISES

 

The following exercises are to stimulate your imagination. Pick those which are more applicable to you, or make-up exercises of your own. The point is to learn to act as an effective explorer.

 

1. Explore some new-to-you territory in the physical world


Go, preferably alone, to a place you haven't been before. Perhaps you will take a trip to a town you haven't visited previously, or, if this is not feasible, set aside an hour and drive to sections of your own city which you haven't seen before. If you are an outdoor person, go walking in a park or wooded area which is new to you. Whichever territory you select, let the exploration be an adventure. See as much as you can; look into whatever interests you. Pretend that you are on another planet or in another country and are simply investigating the territory with no particular purpose in mind.

 

2. Explore a new mental territory


Think of some subject you have perhaps been interested in, but have never studied before. Go to a book store or library and find a book about the subject. Pretend that you are going to later teach a class on the subject, and gather as much information as you can. Let your mind roam freely into the most appealing subject. If you know a person who is knowledgeable on the subject, go and ask questions. Get your information wherever you can, but explore this new mental territory with vigor. Preferably, select one which has no pragmatic consequences for you. Learn for the pure fun of it.

 

3. Do something creative

 

Think of an activity you have been thinking about doing for a long time, but haven't gotten around to. Do it now. Perhaps it will be exploring a new interest, or experimenting with some new craft project. For instance, if you have been thinking of going canoeing or skiing, plan to do so. If you have considered learning to sew or make jewelry, buy a book, take a class, or start practicing. If you write poetry, take time to write several new poems. If you play an instrument, consider writing a song. Perhaps you will arrange flowers or re-decorate a room. Make up a recipe if you cook. Or try cooking something you have never prepared before. Pick your own territory, but practice doing something creative for you.

 

4. Reach out to a person you know in a creative way


Call a friend you haven't seen in some time. Make a date or do something different with your spouse or lover. Tickle or tease, if you don't usually do this. Give a gift for no reason. Suggest going to a place you haven't been with them before. Perhaps you will initiate a seduction if this is appropriate. Send flowers or write the person a poem. Change some established pattern of relating. Explore a new territory for being with the person you select.

 

5. Make a new friend


Pick a person who has no practical use to you and explore establishing a friendship. Select someone out of your social or professional circles, so as to make the venture more creative. Invite the person to an activity or arrange a time to get acquainted. Tell them about yourself and learn about them.

 

6. Confront an unknown


Figure out how something works which has previously been a mystery to you. Take something apart and explore how it is made. For example, if you don't know how car engines work, learn something about them. Try changing the oil. If you have an old clock, take it apart. If you've never learned how a commode works, take the top off the back part and see if you can understand how the water is flushed. If something is not working in your house or apartment, try to fix it yourself. For example, repair a leaking faucet or broken chair. Explore the world of fixing things.

 

7. Make your own recipe


Do something your way, no matter how it is supposed to be done. Instead of going by the directions or recipe, explore your ability to figure out things for yourself. Don't ask anybody; just proceed. Use your imagination. How do you think it might be done? Try and see if your way might work.

 

YOUR PRINCESS ANGEL

 

The Princess role utilizes human capacities for being playful and yielding--Youth and Female. These two in combination reflect in the stance of charming. The covert power of femininity and the spontaneity of Youth are acted-out in ways which, though passive, can have great effect in the world. The Princess angel represents the human capacity for enhancing the known. While the Prince angel calls to explore the unknown, this angel calls us to adorn the known, coyly inviting attention and response.


PRINCESS EXERCISES

 

In these or other exercises which you may think of, practice learning to charm others. In Youth and Female exercises you were embracing capacities; here you are practicing skills for putting the capacities into action. Even though the form of the exercise is similar in some cases, the focus is different.

 

1. Make yourself physically attractive


Paying careful attention to your natural attributes, plan to present yourself on a social occasion as attractively as possible. Give full attention to your physical appearance--hair, make-up, and clothing. Forget what pleases you and think about what will be attractive to others. Begin by considering your hair style. Perhaps you will choose to go to a barber or beautician to get advice or service in changing the cut and style of your hair to the current fashions.


Next, if you are gendered female, consider your make-up. Are you using the most effective materials and skills in presenting your face to its best advantage? If you need help, go to a qualified person for advice. Then consider your clothing. Are you in style? Do you need advice about dress. If so, get it. Finally, pick a particular social occasion, for instance, a party, and give full attention to presenting yourself as attractively as you possibly can. Remember, this exercise is about improving your skills at charming others, learning to act attractively.

 

2. Private preening


In order to skillfully look and act charming on social occasions, you may first practice privately. For this exercise, pick a time when you can be completely alone or undisturbed in your house. Go to the bathroom, lock the door, and give full attention to luxuriating in your physical appearance. Perhaps you will take a slow bath first, soaking for at least a half hour in a hot tub. Then leisurely dry and examine your body in the mirror. Slowly and carefully preen yourself; comb your hair, fix your nails, perfume yourself. If you are female, play with make-up. Spend as much time as possible in simply enjoying fixing yourself up as though you were going to be presented to a king or queen.

 

3. Practice flirting


When the charm of Princess is translated into action the most familiar name is flirting. The Princess impresses people in a passive or receptive manner; she tempts you to respond positively, to like her. Flirting is best done non-verbally--with the eyes, face, and touch. In this exercise you will focus on developing the skillful use of non-verbal communication. Although the art is most commonly recognized in cross-gender encounters, woman to man, the skill itself is applicable to anyone, to every type of encounter--with children, those of your same sex, strangers, as well as friends.

 

Pick any person and time during which you will focus on trying to flirt--to tempt, in a covert manner, a person to like you. Begin with your eyes; look at the person in a way which invites looking back at you. In general this will involve catching their eye and then looking down or away so as to give them time to look back at you without threat. Throughout the encounter, continue to flirt with your eyes.

 

Add your whole face to the communication. Smile, look friendly, and use expressions which indicate pleasure with the other person. With your face show your affirmation of the one you are flirting with. If you are in conversation, regularly look at the person in an approving way; look, let them see you looking, then glance away.

 

Then, in socially acceptable ways, add touch to your flirting. Touch, when done with skill, is a powerful way of conveying personal affirmation, and, hence, impressing a person. Use your best judgment in avoiding any threat to the other person or placing yourself in danger. Most flirting through touch involves brief, casual brushing of the hands or arms of the other person. In an offhanded manner, as though it were accident or impulse, place your fingers or hand on the other person's hand or arm. Go ahead talking as though it did not happen or means nothing. Try to coordinate your touches with instants which are more tender or emotional during the encounter.

 

Occasionally, especially in meeting or parting, a friendly hug or arm around the shoulders can be an excellent way of flirting. When it can be done with great innocence, a kiss on the cheek may work. Use your better judgment in trying to make the person respond positively to you through your looks, expressions, and touches, all in appropriate combinations. Even though you are also conversing, keep your attention focused on your non-verbal communication, shaping it to impress the other person.

 

Remember, you are not trying to manipulate or con the person, only to let them know that you want them to like you. You are simply putting charm into action.

 

4. Flirt with words


In this exercise you add verbal flirting to non-verbal communication. Now shift the focus of your attention from eyes, face, and touch to words only. During this exercise, to keep yourself focused, keep any non-verbal flirting to a minimum. Let your words and the way you say them convey your charm to the other person.

 

In general, lend your language to an affirmation, at least an acceptance of whatever the person says. Keep your own opinions, especially contradictory ideas, to a minimum. Think of whatever you say as a verbal stroking of the person. Touch the person with your tone of voice and chosen words, just as you did with your fingers and hands in the last exercise.

 

Add verbal games, played strictly for fun, to your affirming words. In effect, tease with what you say. Tickle their mind just as you might, were it socially acceptable, their body. Invite the conversation to the growing edge of old ideas or recitations of previous thoughts. Keep it lively and invigorating, your attention given to flirting with your words.

 

Again, remember that the exercise is strictly that--an exercise complete within itself. You are not trying to lead the person on to anything beyond the encounter, only to practice your skills at charming in the present event.

 

5. Get taken care of


In the role of Princess you are achieving goals through passive power. You are, for example, getting the door opened by someone else, or your meal paid for by another person--that is, being taken care of. Before one can effectively charm or act like a Princess, he or she must be able to stand being taken care of. This exercise includes attention to the human capacities underlying the role of Princess; yet some of the role itself may be practiced while more fully embracing the capacities themselves. Think of social situations in which you will focus on allowing yourself to be taken care of by someone else, times when you will passively tolerate not doing it for yourself. If you are already good at this, practice anyway, with more attention to enjoying the stance of Princess. Other possible situations include: letting someone else drive your car for you, prepare food for you, pay your way to the movie, make love to you, or do some chore which is actually your duty. In whatever situations you choose, concentrate on acting in a manner which allows another to take care of you. Luxuriate if you can, but at least endure the situation without explanation or excessive gratitude.

 

6. Indulge yourself


Select pampering situations for more of Exercise #5. Plan to get a massage, facial, manicure, or shampoo by a professional. Pick the best you can afford and concentrate on letting go of responsibility, allowing someone else to take care of the function as completely as you can. See if you can expand your tolerance for passivity. Enjoy the events as much as possible.

 

YOUR KING ANGEL

 

Kingliness is about taking charge of things. It is the role of leadership, of being a manager. The King stands alone. Masculine firmness is combined with Adult responsibility in this stance of direction. Whereas the Prince role is about exploring and changing the world, the King relates to things as he finds them to be. He is pragmatic. In this role one seeks to discover how things work best, the rules of the game, and then follows them carefully. Instead of trying to change a system, you seek to understand the established mode and cooperate with it. The King angel represents the role which combines the capacities of Male and Adult, most clearly seen in our society in the role of a good father. The single most descriptive name for this angel is director; the King angel calls us to direct, to take charge, to manage things.

 

Such direction, as amplified previously, commonly involves three elements: thinking, deciding, and acting. Before beginning these exercises you may wish to re-read the discussion of King.

 

KING EXERCISES

 

Select from the following exercises those which will give you practice in learning to responsibly take charge.

 

1. Take a stand


Stand on an issue without looking for support from another. Perhaps it will be a business or political issue. If you have your own beliefs about how something should be done in your profession or on your job, take a stand and try it. Or take a political stand; support a candidate; write a letter to the editor on an issue which matters to you. Perhaps there is a domestic issue which you have been avoiding, some matter in one of your personal relationships which might be confronted. Bring it up. Talk about the issue. Take a stand and try to work it out.

 

2. Take charge of a project


Instead of waiting for someone else to volunteer or initiate action, take charge yourself. Say, I'll do it. Put yourself in a leadership position on a project which matters to you. Perhaps it will be a social issue, or something at home. For example, volunteer to be chairman of a committee; or take charge of some project, such as hanging the curtains at home.

 

3. Give directions to someone


Learn to be the one who tells others what to do in a particular situation. Find a circumstance in which you understand what to do. Take charge and tell others how to proceed. For example, tell someone how to set a table, put water in a battery, sew on a button, or shoot a gun.

 

4. Do something alone


Kings must often stand alone. Practice in situations which are relevant to you. For example, go to a movie alone, or eat in a strange restaurant by yourself. Go to some new place, such as a city park, and walk around thinking about being a separate and isolated person. Travel to a new city and spend the night alone. Start a new project and don't ask for help or accept companionship. Go on a vacation or business trip alone. Prepare a meal and eat alone. Pick some appropriate circumstances for practicing doing things by yourself.

 

5. Make a responsible decision without explaining yourself


Do something which seems reasonable to you and let it speak for itself. If someone asks you why, don't give any reasons or excuses. Simply say, I decided to do it. The size of the issue is not the point; your learning to decide, without explanation, is the purpose of this exercise.

 

6. Tend to money carefully


Make responsible decisions about which bills to pay. Balance your checkbook accurately. Take charge of a financial situation. Avoid asking others what to do. Decide for yourself. Perhaps you will decide to make some new purchase. Be reasonable about how to finance the project. If you need to borrow money, make arrangements on your own. Take full responsibility for a situation regarding money.

 

7. Discipline yourself in an endeavor


Taking charge includes taking charge of yourself. Pick an appropriate area of your life where discipline is called for, and practice. Perhaps it will be in the area of food. Discipline yourself in eating reasonably. Money may be an area for practice in discipline for you. Carefully relate your spending to your available income for at least a month. If you have habits, such as smoking, drinking, or laziness, which seem to dictate your actions, practice disciplining yourself in these areas. Curtail your urge to smoke; turn down a drink; get up and go exercise. Select an appropriate arena and learn discipline.

 

8. Finish a project


The King's role involves carrying things to their reasonable conclusion. Princes, for example, often start things which they later lose interest in and lay aside. Kingliness means going all the way. Learn to discipline yourself to continue with a project after your initial interest is gone. Go ahead and finish. The nature of the project is not the point; completing it is. Perhaps it will be a craft project, or cleaning a closet. Maybe some business or domestic endeavor has been laid aside. Pick it up and go on to the conclusion.

 

9. Stand up to someone where there is a point of difference


You will never be effective at acting Kingly if you can't stand to have a different perspective and to stick with it. Find an occasion when another person has an idea or way of doing things which is different from yours. Instead of giving in and agreeing with them, or doing things their way, stand up for your own perspective. Avoid slipping into an argument or fight when it is unnecessary. Simply stand up for your point and take the consequences.

 

10. Learn to say no, and mean it


Without slipping into anger or hostility, learn to simply say no when you honestly choose to. Find a situation in the course of your ordinary living when you would prefer to do something different from what you have been invited or requested to do. Simply say, No. Without excuses or explanations, decline the invitation. Just say, No; thank you. Avoid being rebellious or subservient, but learn to stand as easily with your no's as with your yeses.

 

YOUR QUEEN ANGEL

 

Combining the softness of Female with the responsibility of Adult, this angel is best described as nurturer. The Queen angel represents the call for unlearned skills in tending-to-people. She is the voice of Mother Earth. Nurturing has been broken down, in a previous chapter, into three elements: feeling, accepting, and supporting. Consider re-reading about the Queen.

 

These exercises are intended to point out arenas for practicing the various elements of this role. Remember also that nurturing, though largely assigned to gendered females in our society, is more than a gender function. It is an essential role in most human endeavors. Many elements in the professions of doctors, teachers, and counselors, as well as supervisors and managers in the business world, are basically from the role of Queen.

 

1. Learn to listen well without giving advice


Pick a situation, preferably with someone you care for, and practice becoming a good listener--that is, learning to convey your acceptance of the person as verbally presented. In embracing Female capacities you become acceptive; here you practice the skills of communicating the fact. Unlike the King's role, which often includes giving advice or otherwise acting on the basis of what is heard, this role is best effected through just listening. Your point will be to practice acting like an accepting person, one who is able to nurture through standing with another, allowing them to speak or reveal themselves in whatever manner they choose. You are not to solve their problems, or even do anything about what they tell you. Simply (a deceptive term) listen. If you find yourself tempted to take on what you are hearing, for example, to assume responsibility for what the person feels, resist. If you see a solution to a problem they reveal, keep it to yourself. In this exercise you attempt to more fully develop the Queenly art of good listening only, putting acceptance into practice.

 

2. Help someone, passively


Queenly helping is indirect rather than direct, as a King might do it. Look for a situation in which another person needs assistance--perhaps, information, guidance, or simply physical aid. Maybe the person needs directions to the post office, assistance with a problem, or help in getting the groceries in from the car. Without taking charge of the situation, as a King would, give help in an unobtrusive manner. "If you're looking for the post office, it's around the corner." "When I was in a situation like yours, I did so and so." With the groceries, simply start helping. Whatever situation you choose for practice, try to act as helpful as possible, yet without being directive or looking for credit or reward.

 

3. Give T.L.C.


Tender Loving Care, a colloquial name for nurturing, is one of the finer arts of Queenliness. Pick a situation with a plant, pet, or person, and practice acting as tenderly as you can. To your embraced capacity for feeling tender (Female) add skill in putting it into practice. Respond to whatever needs you find. If the plant needs water or sun, treat it tenderly, supplying what is seems to call for. If an animal is hungry or has fleas, give it loving care. Clean its bowl; give it a bath, complete with flea treatment.


If you select a person to practice on, try to anticipate their needs, even if unexpressed, and respond tenderly yet affirmingly. If, for example, the person is tired, try to make them comfortable; if they are hungry, prepare a meal; if they have been frightened, hold them lovingly. Whatever need you see, respond with as much care as you possibly can. During this exercise, which may be extended for days, you will be trying to expand your artistry in perceiving the needs of others, deciding on your own what is appropriate response, and then applying your energies, as tenderly as possible, in giving good nurture.

 

4. Chit chat


Kingly talk is reasonable and focused on goals. Queenly talk as a form for nurturing often appears to be for itself alone, that is, for the sheer event of sharing verbally--like chit chat. It seems to aim at nothing in particular, to be going nowhere. Even reasonableness has no essential part. Things said need not make sense. Responses, in such Queenly talk, are geared to stroke or convey acceptance of what the other person has said, rather than to confront, clarify, or challenge. Words are returned as verbal strokes. "I know what you mean." "Yes, that must be difficult."

 

In this exercise, pick a particular encounter for conversation with another person during which you will focus entirely on the arts of verbal stroking, rather than on any sense-making or attempt to be reasonable. Aim at letting the other person know that what he or she says is acceptable with you. Even if you disagree with the ideas, avoid any efforts to inject your differing opinion. Simply stroke with your words. If there comes a point where advice or help is called for, do so only in an acceptance mode, not as though the person should do anything. The exercise will be finished when you have completed a designated conversation in a totally accepting manner.

 

5. Stand under with someone


Understanding is commonly taken to be only a mental exercise--that is, one understands when he can make sense of what the other has said or experienced. In this exercise an attempt will be made to go past such mental understanding and on to the arts of standing under with another person--even without mental understanding. You will be attempting to convey your acceptance of another person as presented, without the necessity of understanding what they mean. For example, suppose you are a man and a woman is telling about having a baby. You may be able to intellectually understand the process, but you, of course, will not be able to understand experientially. Even so, you may attempt to stand under with her as she voices her experience. Without any personal knowledge of what having a baby is like, accept her experience--that is, stand with her in whatever way she has experienced the event. You may be a little understanding, even if there is no way you could ever understand intellectually.

 

Or, suppose a friend has lost a loved pet or parent to death. Even if you have never had a pet die and your parents are yet alive, you may practice standing under their experience with them--without mental understanding of what it is like. You may think of this exercise as practice in conveying sympathy or empathy. First, let yourself feel with another, rather than using your mind to grasp the meaning of what they say. This will activate your Female capacity. Then try to convey this fact. Let the person know that you are sharing the emotional experience. Practice trying to be understanding, an experience past mere intellectual grasping of what another says. You will be nurturing, acting Queenly, in a more difficult situation.

 

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CHAPTER 9

 

RELATIONSHIPS

 

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INTRODUCTION

 

Faced with the challenges of becoming ourselves--embracing capacities for being Youth and Adult, Male and Female, that is, spontaneous and responsible, firm and soft, we commonly look for easier options.

 

The most popular choice is to look for personal completion through another person. Recognizing our lack of individual wholeness, a personal need for the capacities we have yet to embrace, we seem inevitably to look for our missing parts in other persons. One, for instance, who has embraced the capacity for spontaneity (Youth), but has run from his own potential for responsibility (Adult), may unconsciously seek out or be drawn to another person who is more developed in the Adult area.

 

Or, a person who has accepted Male capacities but denied the potential for femininity may be attracted to the Femaleness in another person rather than face the challenges of embracing his own. Capturing someone who mirrors one's own femininity may seem easier than accepting this part of oneself.

 

In these familiar attractions, the other person mirrors what is missing within ourselves. When we see our own shadows--our missing parts (usually unconsciously), we may easily fall in love with them. The ancient myth of Narcissus reflects this common human experience. In the story, Narcissus, a handsome youth, loves a beautiful Nymph, appropriately named Echo, who repeats whatever he says. Eventually, however, he scorns her because she will not converse with him, only echo what he has said. Narcissus is then punished by Nemesis, who makes him fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Narcissus wastes away with love of himself. The narcissus flower, according to the myth, came into being where he had lain.

 

The first part of the story--where Narcissus falls in love with Echo, represents the familiar human choice being described here. Echo is another metaphor for shadow or mirrored self. Narcissus, representative of us all, falls in love with his own voice echoed--his shadowed self. Because he has not yet accepted his own symbolic voice, he listens for it, like most of us--out there. Echo reflects his unaccepted self; naturally he loves her. Nothing is more natural than loving ourselves, even when shadowed in another person.

 

Ideally we listen for these voices--our angels, within ourselves. In practice, most such listening seems to be done externally. We seek out other persons who will echo what we don't yet hear within ourselves. Recognizing the same phenomenon in the outside world may be the clearest way of understanding this common, but often disastrous, event.

 

In the myth the predictable result of falling in love with one's echoed self is further portrayed. Nemesis, in Greek mythology, was the child of Erebus and Nyx who represented divine vengeance and righteous anger. It was the aim of Nemesis to preserve moderation and a middle course in the activities of mankind. He tried to keep us human, in the middle of the road, rather than falling into the false godhood required for possessing a Nymph--in this case Echo, the projected voice of ourselves.

 

Unfortunately, as in the story, he rarely succeeds. When the love affair with our Echo fails, as it inevitably does, we seem destined to then fall in love with our own reflections, to become narcissistic, self-centered, egotistical. Eventually, as in the tale, we also waste away until we, in our own private versions, turn up the daisies--or narcissuses, or whatever.

 

Unless we wake up first--which is what this book is about.


After the proverbial honeymoon is over, we often turn like Narcissus, usually in bitterness, into the opposite trap of self-centeredness. Sometimes, before it is too late, we decide to look for a better way. This book is about a third option. Most everyone knows about the delights of romantic love, where we find temporary fulfillment in another person, and the opposite option of retreating into narcissism.

 

This third choice is less familiar. It consists of learning to listen to the voices of our angels within, rather than hearing them only when echoed in another person--that is, of becoming whole persons ourselves, instead of looking for a better half who will make us whole.

 

If we succeed in achieving a measure of personal wholeness, we then may face the fourth delightful option: loving another person as another person, not simply as an echo or shadow of our own unembraced selves.


CAPACITIES IN RELATIONSHIPS

 

Ideally, as noted above, we embrace the four major capacities--Youth and Adult, Male and Female. Then we are able to be both spontaneous and responsible (Youth and Adult), in either a firm or yielding manner (Male and Female), as circumstances and goals indicate.


Obviously though, such ideals are uncommon. More often we only embrace our capacity in one major area, then identify ourselves with that capacity while ignoring or denying our potential in the other areas.


When any capacity is unembraced we are left, so to speak, as half a person. We have a missing part. Men without their femininity are only partially complete; women without their masculinity are like partial-persons. One who accepts his or her capacity for responsibility (Adult) but not for spontaneity (Youth) is only half complete. Conversely, those who can play but not be responsible for themselves are likewise incomplete.

 

Such missing parts of our common human capacity are one of the primary bases for attractions to other persons. When the primal inclination to become whole within ourselves, all that we can be, is denied for any reason, then we tend to look for our missing parts in another person. Males without their femininity are drawn to Females who may supply it for them. Soft Females, missing their capacity for firmness, are attracted to Males who may complete them.

 


PRIMARY RELATIONSHIPS

 

The most primary and powerful human relationships are based on the wholeness achieved when the Maleness of one person is completed in the Femaleness of another or when the Youthfulness of one is balanced with the Adulthood of another. Usually, of course, an actual relationship is a combination of connections between the four parts.

 

ROLES IN RELATIONSHIPS

 

Although primary relationships are more often established between those who fulfill our needs for unembraced capacities, we also need all four major roles for coping effectively in the world. When we are limited to one or two roles, we will also be attracted to those who can supply the roles we are missing. Recalling the earlier discussion of the relationship between capacities and roles, each of the four major roles is a combination of two main capacities. King, for example, is a combination of Male firmness and Adult responsibility; Queen combines Female softness with Adult responsibility. Prince is a combination of Male firmness and Youthful playfulness; Princess combines Female receptivity and Youthful spontaneity.

 

All four roles, like the capacities which they personify, are needed in successful living. We tend, however, to identify ourselves with, and become trapped in, the roles we learn first. Then we are drawn to those who represent our missing (unlearned) roles. Here the familiar opposites attract phenomenon becomes operative. The Kingly role, for example, being only half of what is needed for responsible living, also needs Queenliness. Directive responsibility needs nurturing responsibility for completion. Then Kings are drawn to Queens, and vice versa.

 

Opposites attract.

 

And the more opposite we are, the more we attract. For instance, King and Queen are opposite roles within the Adult capacity, yet they share differing elements of responsibility--namely, direction and nurturing. On the other hand, King and Princess, Queen and Prince, are not only opposites in Adult capacities, but also in gender roles. They are more opposite then either King and Queen, Prince and Princess, Prince and King, or Princess and Queen.

 

Consequently, we find that the most common of all relationships based on role needs are between Kings and Princesses, Queens and Princes. A fatherly King will be drawn to a girl-like Princess because she represents what is most totally missing within himself. She, in turn, will find her most lacking capacities--firm responsibility, represented in a King. He is enamored with her spontaneous charm; she with his powerful authority--that is, with the shadow of what is missing within each.

 

The motherly Queen may likewise be attracted to the boy-like Prince who mirrors what is most missing within herself. He, in turn will be drawn to the nurturing responsibility of the Queen, his most opposite role.

 

These opposite attractions are also supported by the ease which opposites offer to the playing of established roles. An opposite not only completes, but also invites playing one's familiar role with less threat of competition. The Princess, for instance, completes the King while inviting him to play his role with an audience rather than a competitor. The boy Prince invites the mothering Queen to do what comes most naturally for her, while, at the same time, offering no competition in the Adult realm of responsibility.

 

Perhaps 80% of all role attraction is based on these opposite extremes. This is often the substance of romantic love as well as most early friendships. Although it is the most frequent source of attraction in relationships, it is also, for reasons to be considered later, the shortest lived.

 

The second most frequent attraction is between opposite roles across the gender division but on the same level--that is between King and Queen, Prince and Princess. Because there are similarities between these same-level roles, there is also an element of repulsion. Kings and Queens share the capacity for responsibility, but they conflict in their ways of carrying it out. Nevertheless, Kings need nurturing and Queens need direction; hence the attraction.

 

These relationships between opposites on the same level occur initially, I estimate, about 15% of the time. They are less frequent, but more stable.

 

The third type of role relationship is between opposites within the same gender capacity, namely, between Princes and Kings, Princesses and Queens. Father and son roles are less opposite than father and daughter roles, but still there is enough opposition to provide attraction. King Arthurs look first for a Guenevere Princess, but they are also attracted to Lancelots, the missing Prince in their own established role. In society these are often mentor, friendship, or homosexual relationships.


They comprise, as I observe, the remaining 5% of familiar attractions between opposites. Although rarer, they tend to be the most stable of the primary role attractions.

 

 

REPULSIONS

 

If it is true that opposites attract, it follows that sames repel; and so we find it in relationships. The good feeling of wholeness achieved when we capture our missing half is often paralleled by a bad feeling experienced in the presence of those most like us. We get along better with those who complement (complete) us than with those who conflict because they are so similar.

 

Youth needs Adult for completion; Male, likewise, needs Female for wholeness. Once together, complementing each other, we fit. If I am Youth only, another Youth may temporarily be fun; yet no fit is completed. Sames tend to compete rather than complement. Conflict is predictable.

 

Males completed with a Female are likely to feel threatened by other Males, as are Females by other Females--whenever the primary bonding is in question. Two's company; three's a crowd, we say, reflecting the affirmation of a capacity bond, and threat of another like ourselves.

 

As with capacities, so with roles. When we are trapped in one role we are repelled by those who threaten our secure position. Such a King, for instance, will be threatened by other Kings. Two Queens trapped in their own roles will rarely like each other.

 

We most dislike in others what is least accepted within ourselves. When we become identified or trapped (usually both) in one capacity or role, we are most repelled by others with similar entrapments. Thus, Kings are most repelled by other Kings, Queens by other Queens, etc. Following this, repulsions are in reverse order from the previous charts.


Whenever the issue of complementary wholeness is at stake: Youth is threatened by Youth; Adult, by Adult. Male completed in Female is repelled by other Males; Female with wholeness through Male in another person is repulsed by threatening Females.

 

 

Entrapped Kings are next most rejective of Princes, exploring Youths who refuse to be responsible. This may be the source of the familiar Oedipus Complex. Queens are repelled by Princesses, charming seductresses yet to become responsible for themselves. Number 2 repulsions, less frequent than those numbered 1, are between the corresponding roles on the same level. Princes and Princesses, Kings and Queens, though different, are less inclined to dislike their counterparts.

 

Finally, the least repulsive and most attractive of all (#3), is, as noted above, one's exact opposite on both level and side: King-Princess and Queen-Prince.

 

To summarize: we are initially most attracted and least repulsed by our opposite role on the opposite level. We are least attracted to those most like us; our dislikes become less as the role becomes more opposite to our own.

 

Stability of relationships tends to be in reverse order. Longest lasting are those between the most similar roles; shortest are those between the most opposite roles. Though extremely rare, a relationship between two persons of the same role, if once established against the odds, will probably be the longest lasting of all.

 

RESULTS

 

Wholeness, to whatever degree and however it is achieved, feels good. The completion we experience in a relationship which supplies our missing capacities and roles is wonderful--temporarily.

 

But problems are also predictable. Deeply we want to be whole ourselves, not to have to depend on someone else to make us so. The nature of human capacities is that they call for activation. If we can, we want to. Even when we find completion in another person, still our own potential for what the other supplies for us yearns for activation. Our angels call; Youths deeply want to be responsible themselves, even when Adults are taking care of them. And Adults deeply want to be playful, even when related to Youths who represent their own missing parts.

 

Males, likewise, yearn for softness within themselves, even when they have a woman to represent it for them. And Females need their own firmness, even if a man can provide it for them.

 

These deeper needs for personal wholeness invite conflict with those who provide our missing parts for us--even when we are drawn to those who supply them. The very capacities which attract us in the beginning become a source of conflict in time. We do want to grow up ourselves, rather than remain dependent on others to make us appear whole.

 

Paradoxically, a second source of threat in such relationships comes from the very security which they provide. Safely completed through the other person, we naturally tend to grow ourselves. In the security of wholeness provided by the other person, our own missing parts start to develop. Secure, for example, in the support of a strong Male, a Female is likely to explore her capacity for standing on her own. Or, safe in a Female's love, a man may risk embracing his own softness.

 

Unfortunately, such growth threatens the stability of relationships based on completion through another person. As nice as it sounds in principle, we resist the growth of those who are completing us as they are. Benevolently such a Male may say he would like for his wife to grow up; but when she begins to embrace her capacity for firmness he is likely to feel threatened. Or, Females who wish their self-completing mates would be more emotional often find themselves threatened when a Male's softness actually appears.

 

Whatever the causes, problems are predictable in such dependent relationships where personal completion is found in another person. The negative script, like the positive, is also predictable.

 

DEMONS IN RELATIONSHIPS

 

When threat appears in a relationship, for whatever cause, the first predictable move is for the threatened person to escape into the demons associated with his embraced capacities and roles--to cease being himself and become possessed by negative forces. Males, for example, when threatened, tend to get possessed by either SOB or Wimp demons; Females, by their Witch or Patsy.

 

When either person moves away from his or her central place which gives completion to the relationship, an imbalance is created. The see saw gets tilted; the relationship is on an uneven keel. Something must be done to reestablish a workable balance. The most predictable script calls for a corresponding move by the self-completing partner.


For instance, in a primary capacity relationship between a Male and Female, the beauty of the marriage appears when he is being masculine and she feminine. But when he gets threatened as Male and escapes into possession, say by his Wimp demon, then an imbalance is created in the relationship. The good, firm Male is gone, leaving a void; the Female's softness is no longer completed in the Male's firmness. The most predictable script is that she will then seek balance by retreating into her opposing demon, in this case, the Witch. When a Male becomes possessed by a Wimp demon, a Female is likely to turn into a Witch. Or, if she loses herself first, turning into a Witch, her self-completing partner is likely to seek balance by turning into a Wimp. Such moves help to keep balance in the see-saw relationship.


Or, if the Female turns into Patsy (gets possessed by her Patsy demon), the Male will predictably become a SOB. These complementary demonic moves become visible in demon encounters. The Wimp and Witch first meet each other in a type of cold war. His, Well, anything you say..., may be countered by her cutting, You never do anything right, followed by the cold shoulder between each.

 

 

Or, if the Female turns into a Patsy, for instance becoming super-nice rather than honestly soft, the Male is likely to become a SOB, criticizing her because supper is five minutes late, or whatever. Then they eat in silence.

 

The next predictable script move is for the cold war to escalate into a hot war. In time, one or the other reaches a limit and switches to their opposing rather than complementing demon. The Wimp, for instance, after he has reached his limit with the Witch, may finally switch to SOB, turning viciously on his witchy wife. Or, the Female possessed by her Patsy demon, may finally switch to Witch and throw her desert plate at her SOB husband.

 


ROLE CONFLICTS

 

When a relationship is based on complementary roles the script for conflict is similar and equally predictable. Initially, when all is going well, role relationships work well. The King delights in taking care of the Princess who in turn feels secure under the direction of the King. The Prince enjoys displaying his trophies for the Queen who loves to have someone to take care of. The King, when married to a Queen, combines to rule the kingdom well. The Prince and Princess play happily together.

 

Unfortunately all is not always perfect, even in Camelot; sometimes there are problems. In every relationship reality creeps in, at times, to disrupt the easy wholeness achieved through connections with opposites. Just as predictable scripts for attractions occur, so there are predictable moves when conflicts arise.


As with capacities, each positive role has its associated demons. The positive role of King, for example, has its negative counterparts, Tyrant and Coward; the good Queen may fall into Super-mom or Slave. Princes are vulnerable to the demons called Jerk and Martyr, and a Princess always has Maid and Bitch to retreat into.

 

The first most predictable move when any person is threatened in their positive role is an escape into its negative replacements. The threatened King usually turns into a Tyrant or a cowardly Lion. Queens are sorely tempted, when the going gets rough, to succumb to the demon, Super-mom, or its counterpart, Slave.

 

In complementary role based relationships, the predictable script--when wisdom does not prevail, is that complementary demons for the established relationship also attract their opposites. For example, consider a King in consort with a Princess, one of the two most common role combinations:


When all goes well, the good King and Princess relate easily in their established roles. But when conflict appears, when either becomes threatened in their positive role, they are apt to fall into possession of one or the other of their associated demons. If, for instance, the King is challenged and becomes tyrannical--possessed by his Tyrant demon, the most predictable move for his Princess consort is to slip into her opposite demon, namely, Maid. He gets bossy; she starts trying to please him. He gives orders, she follows them; in the beginning.

 

Or, if the Princess gets threatened first, she may turn into a Bitch (find a pea under her mattress). The first most predictable move for her Kingly lover is the complimentary demon, Coward. All of a sudden the powerful King may become possessed by an overwhelming urge to do whatever it is that the Bitch-possessed Princess demands. He forgets reigning over the kingdom and becomes her Cowardly servant, devoting all his energies to stopping her bitching.

 

Or, suppose our couple is a Prince and a Queen. If the Prince under threat turns into a Jerk, for instance threatening to quit playing or run away, the predictable move for the unwise Queen is to slip into her complementary demon, namely, Slave. She may abandon all healthy nurturing and turn into a doormat, doing whatever the belligerent Jerk demands, a Slave to his on going threats.

 

Or, if the threatened Queen succumbs to her Super-mom demon, the Prince may predictably and complementarily turn into a Martyr. He may sacrifice himself to try to satisfy her omnipotent desires, no matter how unreasonable they are.


These initial moves are compensatory--that is, partners in a complementary role relationship, as in a capacity completing relationship, tend to keep a degree of balance by doing the opposite of what the other does. We try, at least at first, to keep peace by adjusting. The Maid demon, by trying to please, is adapting to the Tyrant who demands acquiescence. The Coward, conversely, seeks peace with the Bitch. The Martyr is a reasonable adaption to the Super-mom, just as the Queen's turning Slave is a reasonable match for the Prince turning Jerk.

 

Likewise with the other familiar combinations. When a King is in consort with a Queen, his retreat into Coward invites her swing to Super-mom, just as his move to Tyrant tempts her to turn into Slave. When the Princess turns Bitch, the Prince in invited to become a Martyr; or if he becomes a Jerk, she is tempted to turn into his Maid.

 

As the negativity of one gets more extreme, so does that of the other in the opposite direction--all in an attempt to maintain some balance in the complementary demon connections. In time, however, enough is enough; the pendulum swings. If the negativity of one gets too pronounced or remains operative for an extended period, the other person, instead of seeking peace through balancing the see-saw, is likely to switch to the comparable demon. Peace efforts failing, war is declared openly. The cold war turns into a hot war.

 

For example, if the Cowardly King is unable to appease the Bitchy Princess, he will predictably switch to his opposite demon, the Tyrant. Then war ensues between the Bitch and the Tyrant. If the Martyr Prince is unable to appease the Super-mom Queen, he may switch to Jerk; or the Slave Queen, failing to satisfy the Jerk, will predictably turn into a Super-mom.

 

Likewise with same-level relationships: when the Slave Queen is unsuccessful in her cold war attempt to placate the Tyrant King, she may escalate to a hot war by turning Super-mom herself. When the Martyr cannot satisfy the Bitch Princess, the possessed Prince switches to Jerk. Then the Jerk and the Bitch have a hot war, usually with name-calling and accusations.

 

These secondary moves escalate the first balancing efforts. In the hot war the covert conflict becomes overt battle; passive aggression turns into active aggression. If the cold war, for instance between a Martyr and a Bitch or a Jerk and a Maid, appears less fierce because the aggression is passive rather than active, it is no less deadly. Whether one is killing with kindness and self-sacrifice--the weapons of the Martyr and Maid, or with anger and hostility--those of the Jerk and Bitch, dead is just as dead. The bloody battles and bloodless coups are equally destructive.

 

To summarize: when positive role relationships, usually King/Princess, Prince/Queen, or King/Queen, Prince/Princess, turn sour, the first predictable happening is that one or the other person reverts to a demon associated with his or her positive role. The King threatened with his Princess may slip into his Tyrant demon. When this happens the other person commonly compensates by slipping into his or her own opposite demon in an initial effort to balance demons. To confront the King-turned-Tyrant, the Princess may turn Maid.


Then they have a demon war of the cold variety. The Maid tries to subdue the Tyrant--balance his excessive show of power with an excessive amount of service, for instance, by getting his proverbial slippers or fixing his favorite meal. When these appeasement efforts fail to succeed--if she is losing the cold war, then she may suddenly escalate the conflict to a hot war by switching to her opposite demon, the Bitch. Instead of trying to please him more, she may quit altogether, turning to complaint instead. Why are you always picking on me when I try so hard to please you?

 

The Tyrant and the Bitch may then continue in an extended argument. He escalates his attacks while she increases her complaints; he becomes even more tyrannical as she becomes more bitchy. If it appears that her Bitch demon is going to out-do his Tyrant, he may next try a switch in the opposite direction, to Coward. In the presence of her powerful Bitch, he may turn into the Cowardly Lion, attempting to revert to a cold rather than hot war.

 

This devastating stage in a relationship may continue, reverting from cold to hot, then from hot to cold, until one or the other succeeds in defeating the other or they both give up in emotional exhaustion. This is the nature of the demon wars, so common when conflicts arise in complementary role relationships. Once such a war is in progress, the persons have been taken over, possessed by their respective demons. Afterward such a person may describe the event as: I just lost myself; something took over. It was like I was watching myself do what I didn't want to do but felt powerless to stop. The something which takes over is a demon related to one's established positive role.

 

RELATIONAL SCRIPTS SUMMARY

 

The overall script commonly progresses as follows:

 

1. We embrace one or two of the major capacities (e.g., Male and Adult, or Female and Youth) and learn one of the four major roles which emerge from combinations of capacities--King, Queen, Prince, or Princess. As we become comfortable with our embraced capacities and skilled in a learned role we tend to get identified with and trapped in these capacities and their associated role. We fall into the illusion that we are the role we have learned to play with our embraced capacities. It, we think, becomes who-we-are, rather than merely a role we happen to be playing at the time.

 

2. We deeply recognize that something is missing within ourselves. But instead of looking within for becoming our fuller selves, we look without, usually across gender lines, for someone to fulfill us, to compensate for what is missing within. The most common such attractions based on missing capacities are Adult and Youth, Male and Female; between roles they are King/Princess, Queen/Prince, King/Queen, Prince/Princess.

 

3. When the complementary wholeness found in capturing the shadow of our missing parts externally begins to fail, that is, when it turns out that the other person can't finally make us happy, we are likely to try harder within our embraced capacities and accepted role. A Male may try harder to be a better man; a King may redouble his efforts to rule more successfully. A Female may attempt to be a better woman; a Princess may try harder to impress and hold her King.

 

When our try-harder efforts lag, we are apt to seek to get the other person to improve or change so as to better satisfy us. The illusion persists: the other person can make me happy if they will only try harder, if I can somehow get them to improve themselves or care more for me.

 

When such change-the-other-person efforts fail, then we are apt to retreat into the demons associated with our own capacities and role. This, as noted, usually provokes the other person to do likewise, bringing out their complementary demons. Then come the demon wars, cold and hot.

 

4. Finally, in this predictable script, one resigns the search for happiness from the other, gives up, and retreats into bitterness, or else ends the relationship and seeks a new replacement. In the latter option the usual reasoning is: This person was not able to make me happy, but somewhere out there my missing half still exists. I picked the wrong one the first time; I will do better a second time. In other words, my problem still lies out there; the right person can still fulfill my living--when I find her or him.

 


DEALING WITH DEMONS IN OTHERS

 

I often sense that one or another patient is functioning unconsciously in a multiple-identity fashion when I feel not simply intimidated or overwhelmed by this overbearing patient, but curiously and more specifically, outnumbered by him. With one woman, relatively far along in her analysis, I had the thought, accompanied by a feeling of gratification and fulfillment, "She is moving." But along with this freely conscious thought and feeling, there emerged in me an entirely unbidden fantasy: in my mind's eye, I saw some 50 to 100 people on foot in a caravan, moving in a straggling, undisciplined but clearly peaceable fashion across a landscape--all going essentially together in the same direction. They were clearly all related to one another, and it later occurred to me that the word "tribe" described that relationship. The fantasy was accompanied by a distinct sense of awe at the realization that, evidently for a long time, I had been perceiving, unconsciously, this woman as comprised of so many "persons."

Dr. Harold F. Searles, Analyst

 

Unfortunately, our own demons aren't the only ones we have to confront. Other people get possessed, just as we do. If we meet, relate, or live with others, we have no choice but to also meet, relate, and live with their demons. They must deal with ours, and we with theirs. In a perfect world we might have perfectly human friends, co-workers, and loved ones; this, however, never seems to be the case. Demons go with the human territory--with theirs as well as ours. Fortunately, demons are seldom in total possession of either us or them; nevertheless, we must often encounter persons in varying degrees of possession-- some only partially possessed, but others who are more fully taken by their demons.


What are we to do when we meet the demons of others? Should we try to ignore them? Try to help the possessed person? Or confront their demons for them? What is the difference, if any, between how we deal with our own demons and how we deal with the demons of others?

 

In general, the same guidelines apply, the three R's--RECOGNIZE, RESPECT, RESIST--yet with significant variations in each area. Recognizing when another person is possessed and when he is being himself is a first challenge. Much of the data available to us about ourselves--how we feel, what we mean by what we say, discrepancies between our words and feelings--may not be given to us by others. Their demons are even more hidden to us--cloaked by protestations to the contrary, than are our own. Rarely can another person admit, even if he realizes it himself, This is not really me talking to you. Most commonly demons in others, as in ourselves, are unrecognized at the time. The person may be so identified with his demon that he truly believes the demon to be his real self. Consequently the demon's message, either in words or actions, will be presented as though it were from the person you know.


In psychological language, we may say that the person is unconscious of his possession. He does not know (is not consciously aware) that something has gotten into him. Thus we cannot ask a person if he is possessed, expecting to get the truth. He will likely not know it himself. In fact, we can usually see others more clearly than they see themselves, just as they do us.

 

A second problem in recognizing demons in others is that we may not want to see their demons. We like to believe that people are honest with us, tell us the truth, mean what they say, and, in general can be counted on. Preferably, what you see is what you get, or, what they say is what they mean. Unfortunately, possession is a real phenomenon, and other persons may either have demons and not know it, or else choose to hide them from us. In either case, we have no choice but to encounter their demons when they are present.

 

This problem is often compounded by our own expectations of our acquaintances. Wanting certain responses, we can easily be blind to those we don't want. Our demons may tempt us to ignore those in others for their own selfish purposes. For example, a Wimp demon in a man can tempt him to ignore a Witch in a woman because the Wimp wants the woman to take care of him. Or, a Patsy in a woman may blind her to the SOB in a man, since she so desperately wants to be loved by him.

 

Furthermore, demons in others often present themselves most invitingly, carefully cloaking their claws. A Bitch, for instance, may present herself as a perfect Princess. A Jerk or Martyr may come on as a knight in shining armor. Super-moms just want to help, and Tyrants commonly make grand promises, if you only obey me. Wimps are really nice, and Cinderella-type Maids can be of real service. Gods act like they can save you, and Dolls can cuddle ever so sweetly. When we are looking for any of these traits in others--and who isn't?--we will be especially tempted to Don't look the gift horse in the mouth.

 

For many reasons, recognizing the demons in others can be a grand challenge. Nevertheless it is necessary if one is to deal with them responsibly. As long as we ignore a person's demon, take their identification with the demon as real, see only our own projected wishes, or fall for the attractive cloaks which demons often wear, we will never be able to confront a demon realistically, certainly not to respond to the real person.


The previously discussed clues for recognizing demons within ourselves are also applicable to sensing them in others. Whenever you note loss of humor, loss of humanity, loss of reason, or loss of self in a person you are with, expect a demon. When you find a person taking himself so seriously that he can't take a joke, when he is not able to laugh at himself, when he is not having fun in what he is doing--look for a demon.


When someone is acting godly, as though he has the answers, knows what is right and wrong, and is thus able to judge you--either to put you down or up, expect a demon. If a person denies having problems, insists that everything is all right, acts like he is totally independent (or dependent), presumes rights over you, thinks he can do whatever he wants to--as though the ordinary laws of nature and man do not apply to him, that is, shows signs of omnipotence or impotence, be on the lookout for a demon.

 

If what the person says or does is obviously unreasonable, does not take into account common knowledge, and especially if it ignores what you know he has learned in the past, then expect a demon to be present. Instead of wondering what is wrong with me that I do not understand what he is saying, look at the possibility that he, no matter how logically he speaks, is actually being unreasonable, evidencing his own demon.

 

Finally, look for the fourth clue to possession: loss of self; whenever persons seem not themselves, probably it is because they truly aren't. At that moment, you may be encountering their demon instead. Whenever the signs of unusual behavior appear--moodiness, strange actions, different types of responses to you or others--look for a demon. If the statements of a person seem out of character, so that you feel: that doesn't sound like the person I know, then consider the possibility of a demon. For example, if a loved one suddenly attacks you for some innocent remark you made, perhaps you are meeting his Tyrant or SOB, not his real self.


Other signs, usually not available to us about ourselves, may be useful in alerting us to demons in others. For instance, look into the eyes of a person. Almost always there will be a different look in one's eyes when he is possessed. You may not be able to describe the look, but if you are attentive you will recognize something strange. Perhaps the look will be dull or flat, as though no one is at home; the light may have gone out of his eyes. Or, on the other hand, the person may have an unusually wild look. Demons often become evident in a person's eyes before any other signs are given. Sometimes the smell of the person will also be different. Be alert to unusual looks or odors. They too may indicate a demon.

 

RESPECT

 

...when in the vicinity of people who are possessed, one often experiences a sudden fatigue and an inexplicable feeling of having one's vitality sucked out.

 Marie Louise von Franz

 

Respect, the second phase of dealing with personal demons, is also applicable to those of others. Because of the additional challenges noted above, an even greater amount of respect may be called for. Never take lightly the demons, or their possibility, in others, especially in loved ones. Those we care for are often the ones we are most blinded, and therefore vulnerable, to. Respecting these fierce powers which may be present in any other person is only reasonable.


At all times a wise person will be wary about the possibility of demons in others, even when they are not evident just then. The unpredictability of demons means that they may even emerge when a person is most fully being himself. In fact, lack of experience in tolerating oneself--especially, one's pleasure, success, or good feelings--may make him most vulnerable to possession precisely when he is most himself. Just when we are likely to take another person for granted, trusting him implicitly, may be the time when we should reasonably be most alert.

 

The dangerous risk when we are unwary is that we will be killed, spiritually if not physically, by the unsuspected demon of another. Jesus warned his followers about those who can kill your spirit, even if not your body. His warning is still relevant. Often those who would never hurt anyone physically, are possessed at times by powerful demons able to destroy the spirit of another, even with a smile on their faces and while meaning well. To make the matter more dangerous, such spiritual killing can be done with kindness as well as hatred. A Witch, for example, may cast an unsuspecting Hansel or Gretel into the oven with such a kindly sounding observation as, You aren't going to go out looking like that, are you? A Super-mom may kill with an innocent comment like: You wouldn't want to make your mother feel bad, would you? A Bitch, cloaked as a Princess, may mortally wound one with, You haven't taken care of me.

 

No matter how it occurs, death by kindness is just as dead as murder by maliciousness. Be wary, first of all, of getting killed by the unsuspected demon of another, by any means.

 

A second danger, even when you avoid getting killed, is that you may bow or give in to dictation by the demon of another. Often submission, doing what the demon of another person demands, seems easier than resistance, which we will discuss later. Unfortunately the dangers of going along quietly, for sake of peace in the family, for example, can be extremely dangerous in the long run. To become the slave of the demon of another person is to establish an unhealthy peace, destructive both to the possessed person as well as the well-intentioned one who submits.


Such slavery can occur in either an under or over position. The demon of another may demand that you take charge, becoming a figurehead master, rather than that you follow orders like an obvious slave. In either case, whether you are required to follow or to lead, to give in or to take over, the slavery is the same. Whether one is installed as master or servant, the installation by the demon of another is the issue. Installed masters, just as owned slaves, are also in bondage. This reverse type of slavery is common with the inner circle demons--Martyr, Wimp, Coward, Maid, Patsy, etc. Each of these apparently submissive demons may be powerful in its demands that other persons take charge of a situation, even the life of the person they possess.

 

For example, when the Princess capacity has been replaced by the Maid demon, the Cinderella-type person may continually issue powerful, though cloaked, demands that others take care of her. Her goodness is expected to be rewarded. Some unsuspecting Prince may be installed as her knight in shining armor, with the duty of taking her to the ball--and happiness. Though he appears to be her rescuer, actually he will be her slave, installed to look like a master.

 

RESPECT PERSON

 

A second form of respect is also appropriate, namely, for the person who may be possessed. Once we recognize a demon in another person, one of our own, such as, SOB, Witch, or God, may tempt us to engage in condemning the other person rather than recognizing our own. Demons in another should be respected because they are also dangerous to us; persons who are possessed should be respected because they are still persons, even if they are possessed at the time.


A proper attitude is one voiced in the bible: There, but for the grace of God, go I. Just because a person is possessed and destructive at the time doesn't mean that we have the right to treat them like the devil. Even though possessed by a demon just then, the person is not literally a devil. A common response to possessed persons, especially when their demons do not please our own, is to, in effect, consign the person to hell.


Even if we don't judgmentally commit them to institutions, as is sometimes the case, we may privately, in the judgment halls of our own minds, condemn them. The familiar curse, Go to hell, even if unverbalized, is often after the fact of condemnation. We pay heavy prices for becoming possessed by demons which make such judgments, condemning ourselves even as we do our possessed acquaintances. Respecting possessed persons, as well as their demons, is only the reasonable thing to do. If we love, we will, of course, go much further.

 

A third risk when we are confronted with the demons of another person is that we may be tempted to run away, driven from our own space by their demon's negative powers. A child may run away from home rather than confront the SOB in a father. A wife may be driven from her kitchen by the Tyrant in her husband. A man may leave or divorce a woman rather than confront her Witch.

 

Running away may be emotional rather than physical; even if you remain bodily present, you may still exit intimacy via emotional distance. Exit by mind, since it may not be immediately recognizable, can be more dangerous than exit by body. Even the person running away emotionally may not realize that he is leaving the scene. These emotional exits can take the form of silence. One may simply stop talking or withdraw from the conversation while still standing there.

 

Running away, whether physically or in spirit only, cheats both the person who is driven from his space by the demon of the other as well as the possessed person. No person should have his presence dictated by the demon of another. Choosing to go, freely, is one thing, but being driven away is a dangerous dictation. Not only is the leaving-one denied his rights, the one left, not recognizing his own possession at the time, is almost certain to take the exodus of the other personally. Since possession is seldom conscious, a possessed one cannot but think that he is being personally abandoned. The consequences, of course, of abandoning another, especially a loved one, are monumental.

 

Avoiding being driven away, the next challenge is to also avoid being jerked around. If you stay present with a possessed person, their demon is almost certain to insist that you become involved in its mode of possession. He may demand that you play his game, no matter what it is. For example, a Tyrant will require that you, as well as the person he possesses, give in to his tyrannical control. He will jerk you around too. A Slave will want you to do everything for others, even as does the person he possesses. Give up your own way, the demon will say in effect, and do as I have your friend doing. A wise one will avoid such demands, while respecting the power of the demanding demon.

 

Hooking into, becoming possessed by a counter demon (previously described), is another constant danger when one is confronted by a demon in another person. Since each demon has its opposite, you may immediately be tempted to hook into someone else's demon by resurrecting its counterpart in yourself. Demons seem to search for their shadows; if you happen to have the reflection of a particular demon, beware! You will be a sitting duck unless you are alert. For example, a Witch demon in a woman can easily tempt a Wimp demon in a man, and vice versa. When a woman begins to get Witchy, a man may immediately be tempted by his own resident Wimp. Instead of meeting her demon personally, he is likely to resurrect his own peace-making counterpart. Then Witch and Wimp may consort in a cold war, while two possessed persons stand tragically by. Or, the man may switch to his SOB demon and begin a hot war.

 

If a man who is possessed by a Jerk demon threatens to leave if a woman doesn't bow to his demands, she may expect to be tempted by her own Maid demon. Hooking into his Jerk with her Maid or Bitch, either promising to obey or countering his threats with her complaints, will be easier than staying personally present with a man she cares for, who happens to be possessed at the time.


Such complementary possessions are obviously unproductive solutions to these common confrontations. Reciprocating evil for evil, demon for demon, tit for tat, only compounds the problem. Just because you happen to be around a possessed person doesn't mean you must get possessed yourself. Avoid being driven crazy by those who are dictated by their demons. Kipling's advice is relevant: If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs...you'll be a man someday. I would say, you'll be a 'real person' today.

 

Even if you resist the temptation to hook into the demon of another, the parallel possibility of assuming responsibility for their demon may present itself. If you are not going to bow to, run from, or hook into, how about taking over the other person's demon for him? The temptation to assume responsibility for the possession of another, either as the cause or cure, can be especially strong when you happen to care for the possessed person.


Parents, for example, may be tempted to transform their concern into responsibility. Perhaps they are the cause of their children's demons, they may think. Then, of course, it logically becomes their responsibility to do something about them. Or, even if they realize they are not the cause, perhaps they can be the cure. Those who love may be especially tempted to try to heal the ones they care for.

 

Actually this temptation is only a combination of the first and third noted dangers, namely, bowing to and hooking into the demon in another. In this case, the parent is bowing to, for example, a Doll or Brat demon by hooking into the their own complementary demon. Perhaps the parent's God or Super-mom demon will be resurrected to take responsibility for the child. Playing savior--or its milder forms of helper or causer, through giving in to one's own Martyr demon is, of course, dangerous to both the possessed child and to the parent who gets possessed in the effort to take over the demon of another.


To summarize: these dangers--bowing to, running from, getting jerked around by, hooking into, or taking over the demons of others--can each be so tempting that a massive respect for possession is reasonably called for. Only one who carefully confronts and remains attentive to these risks will be in position to relate positively to a possessed person.

 

RESIST

 

Resistance, the third phase of dealing with demons in others, will be considered in two parts: standing with, and standing up to. When you have successfully avoided the temptations noted above, you then face the possibility of positively confronting the demons themselves. The first step is to stay yourself with the person who is possessed, that is, to remain in their presence without falling prey to their demons. With their possession, remain unpossessed yourself. In the presence of one who is not himself, stay yourself. Stand with means remain in proximity. Do not run away, bow to, hook into, get jerked around by, or take over; instead, be an unpossessed person with the possessed person.

 

Remain present in body and spirit. Stay in your own skin in the presence of their demon, yet without reacting--or even responding--to the demon. Intentionally ignore the demon; that is, refuse to let its presence become the focus of the encounter. Instead of being drawn into an unchosen reaction, such as fighting or fleeing, profoundly remain on the scene, unchanged by the recognized demon. Sensing its presence, continue, for example, with what you were saying or doing. Although fully cognizant of the negative force which has appeared, go ahead being yourself, as if it were absent. Let your presence, your being, be your first form of encounter. Even if you are talking to the person whose possession has become apparent to you, remain silent with their demon. Carry on as before, unchanged in any outward way. Intensely alert to this foreign power, stand with the person, giving no room to the demon.

 

Often this form of passive resistance is sufficient confrontation. If the possessed person sees that you are not going to be overwhelmed by their demon, they too may find the courage required to resist it. Soon you may be able to carry on the encounter, person to person.

 

However, when a demon is strongly entrenched, it may have to be confronted directly. When standing with is inadequate, standing up to becomes necessary. Passive power to resist a demon's domination of an encounter will sometimes require the addition of active power. Such events can be monumental. An encounter with the demon itself may be awesome; the consequences can be profound. All the temptations noted above are likely to become exaggerated when a demon is directly confronted. Immense respect for demonic powers should be maintained. Few human events can match the challenges of an open confrontation with an entrenched or threatened demon. All its destructive powers may be mustered and utilized in protecting its possession of the person you are with. Approach such an encounter with extreme caution, yet with courage.

 

Direct confrontation may take two forms: non-verbal and verbal. Sometimes, in practice, they will be separable. Non-verbal is preferable, when it works. Generally, though, both are required, one in conjunction with the other. With both forms the overall idea is: while recognizing the presence of a demon in the person you are with, and, respecting its power, choose to relate differently with the demon and the person who is possessed.


It is as though the person is inhabited by a ghost which is different from the person. Your challenge is to relate to each realistically. Respecting both the destructive power of the demon and also the worth of the person who is possessed, you are to respond appropriately to each. The challenge is compounded because in all likelihood, you are the only one who recognizes the demon. The possessed person probably believes he is his demon. At the moment they are identified with each other, so that when you speak to the demon the person will think you are talking to him or her.


Everything you do or say is likely to be taken personally by the possessed person. If, for instance, you resist the demon's demands on you, the person will think you are being hostile toward him. Paranoia is often rampant when one is possessed. Even so, this problem cannot be avoided if you stand up to a demon.

 

Overall guidelines for both forms, non-verbal and verbal, are these: first, stay with the person, no matter what. As previously discussed, don't abandon the individual even if he is possessed at the time. Stay present with the person. Secondly, avoid the noted temptations--to get jerked around, hooked, or made responsible for the demon. Don't, in any way, fall under this demon's control or domination. Thirdly, contain its power. Use your own embraced power to, in effect, build an invisible wall around the person who is possessed. Within this wall, stand for and with the person, and stand up to and against the demon.

 

Two critical issues at such a time are your nerve and your embraced personal power. Confronting a demon directly is a matter of great courage. In religious language, this is called faith. Considerable faith is necessary for standing up to a demon. Then, in addition to such nerve or faith, real power is required. Direct confrontation with a demon is a personal event of great import--beyond words, ideas, and knowing what to do. Knowledge and procedure are helpful and will be considered next, but the issue of power is primary. All the know-how, without personal power, is useless; manifest creative power, even with no procedural knowledge, can be crudely effective. Ten cents on the dollar for what-you-say; ninety cents for being-with-power.

 

Your goals are also to be considered in taking such a stand. These may vary from getting something from a person who is possessed, to remaining present with a possessed person without losing oneself, to caring for one who is possessed, all the way to participating in exorcism--the freeing of a person from a demon. Increasing degrees of nerve and power are required as one moves from the lesser to the greater goals. You must decide in each situation about your goals, determining if your personal courage and power are sufficient to reach them. Since these matters are private, I will hereafter deal with procedural issues. The same guidelines will apply to each goal.

 

First, consider non-verbal confrontation, which includes all forms of communication except words--that is, facial expressions, touch, bodily stance, and movements or actions. Through these means, without any words, let the person know that you are present with him or her in an accepting way. Whatever is happening, avoid communicating personal rejection. Perhaps you will look acceptingly at the person or touch in a way which says in a socially acceptable manner, I am with you. Let your bodily stance convey the same message. Stand close; don't turn away. If you do anything physically, see that it is not personally rejecting.

 

With the demon as revealed in the demonic action, stand tall. Look it straight in the eye, expressing with your face your willingness to confront. Whatever it is biding you do, don't do it. Stay in your place, refusing to turn and run. Let your personal power to withstand be shown non-verbally. With your body and actions say, I am willing to face you; I will not be dictated by your force. Be cool. Proceed with what you are doing.

 

If, for instance, you perceive a woman turning Witchy (getting possessed by the Witch demon), recognize the change, respect the power of her Witch, but give no power to the Witch's behavior. Stay with the woman getting possessed, but stand up to her Witch. Perhaps you will smile, aware of your own temptation to run, and ignore the Witchy behavior or comment. Instead of giving in, in any way, you might put your arm around the person, saying, in effect, to the Witch: You can't drive me away; you are not able to seduce me into becoming a Wimp or SOB. If the Witch has given you a verbal demand such as, I said tell me where you have been, avoid a verbal response. Pretend you didn't hear.


Instead of getting hooked, go ahead with what you were doing, holding your personal ground. Don't let the Witch get to you. Physically, remain a person with your possessed friend, standing up to the demon without giving an inch.

 

Should her demon's response be physical, as in pushing you toward some symbolic oven, again, stand your ground. Contain the force of the demon. Don't let the Witch push you around; neither be tempted into a fight. Avoid pushing back; simply contain its power. Perhaps you will put both arms around the person, protecting yourself, but holding her and her demon in check. If the physical power of the demon is too great for you, evade the force by moving back. Protect yourself as necessary. Leave, temporarily, if you must; yet do so with head high, without bowing to the demon. Let any exit be a strategic retreat, not a giving in.

 

Summarizing: non-verbal confrontation involves standing with a person and up to their demon, without rejecting the person or obeying their demon. These messages, requiring nerve and personal power, are conveyed facially, by touch, stance, movement and actions. Sometimes these non-verbal forms of resistance are sufficient. When so, this is best. But often, verbal expression must be added also.


VERBAL CONFRONTATION

 

Conversing with possessed persons is a complicated matter because demons, when threatened in any way, may enter into the conversation. Then one must also talk to the demon. Such talk is tricky because the ordinary rules of conversation do not apply in demon talk. Before suggesting procedures for verbal encounter with a demon--that is, with a person possessed at the time--these parameters for demon talk may be kept in mind.

 

First, remember that demon talk is different from ordinary conversation. If you attempt to converse normally when a demon is present, anticipate failure. In demon talk, words are secondary; the critical issue is always power. Words are simply a vehicle for power, not for conveying information. Though the event seems like a conversation, this is only the cover. The hidden agenda is: who will be in control? Demons own their territory, and like fleas on a dog, don't give it up easily. Whatever is being said, never lose your awareness that the primary issue is power and control: your's over their's, or their's over your's.

 

In this context, words have no inherent meanings. Demons use words without reference to the dictionary, giving to each word whatever meaning they choose. They use whichever words are effective in exercising their power, giving and taking away ordinary meanings at will.

 

Nor is reason relevant in demon talk. Never try to reason with a demon. They only use reason as one more device in their repertoire of power. Technically, they rationalize only. As soon as reason ceases to wield power, they drop it. If you try to be reasonable, you waste your time. No demon is ever overcome with logic. When cornered by reason, demons merely change the meaning of the words used, or drop the procedure entirely. With demons, anything goes. There are no rules of reason or fairness. Hitting below the belt, or anywhere else that works, is acceptable to a demon.

 

Consequently, you should never converse naively with a demon--saying whatever comes to mind, answering questions, or giving explanations. Con-versing, literally, sharing-verses (You tell me your dream; I'll tell you mine) is unknown to demons. They simply don't do it. Anything you say can, and will, be used against you, even if there is no court of law.

 

Nor should you be tricked by the appearance of sincerity. Possessed persons commonly sound, and usually believe they are, sincere. The more possessed one is, the more sincere he is apt to sound. The completely possessed seem to be completely sincere. They may truly believe that This is me. In ordinary conversation, sincerity is a key to understanding a person. Forget it in talking when a demon is present. Demons sound sincere.

 

Never argue with a demon. You may successfully debate a point with a person when the ordinary rules of definition and reason apply; not so with a demon. You are going to lose, even if you win. As soon as you get involved in defending, explaining, answering questions, making counter-points--all the usual procedures in debating--you are hooked. And the end of the script is already written. You lose the power battle, even if you win the debate.

 

Nor should you expect understanding of what you say; even acknowledgement of hearing is rare for a demon. Demons think sharply and understand much; yet they smartly conceal their understanding. If you look to a demon for understanding, you are defeated already. Such a position of vulnerability reveals that you have conceded the power battle.

 

With these parameters of demon talk in mind, we proceed to consider positive guidelines for conversation when a demon is perceived to be present. An experience of Jesus, recorded in the Bible by Mark and Luke, may be useful in our search for guidelines.

 

Here is the encounter: Jesus stepped out of a boat and there met him a certain man out of the town who had demons. We may assume that Jesus recognized the presence of demons (phase one of what-to-do). Certainly he must also have respected their power (phase two) as noted in his own temptation experiences (related in the bible by Matthew). Then, in this event, when the man saw Jesus, he ran and fell on his knees before him in homage. Another translation is that he ran and worshipped him. From this action we may speculate that the man's particular demons at this time were of the submissive type, perhaps Wimp, Coward, or Martyr. Whatever they were, the stage is set for conversation.

 

The man's first words were: What do you want with me, Jesus...? For God's sake, don't torment me. Jesus then asked him, What is your name? My name is Legion, he said, for we are many. And he begged hard that Jesus would not send them out of the country.

 

Note these facts: without any introduction or conversation, the possessed man voices fear, assuming that Jesus may hurt him. Jesus ignores the set-up which is an invitation to either explain himself or to counter-attack. Instead, he evidences respect for the person by asking who he is. The man then talks for his demons, revealing himself as possessed. Apparently aware of Jesus' authority, he then begs to be left alone, that his demons go undisturbed.

 

From these observations, we may deduct the following guidelines for the order of conversation with possessed persons:


A. SPEAK WITH AUTHORITY

B. SPEAK TO THE PERSON POSSESSED

C. SPEAK TO THE POSSESSED PERSON

D. SPEAK TO THE POSSESSING DEMONS

 

A. SPEAK WITH AUTHORITY


This first guideline is about your manner of speech. Others are related to the direction of speech and what to say. Above all else, bear in mind that the major issue in demon talk is power. Communication, reason, hearing, sharing--all the other elements in ordinary conversation are secondary. Though involved, they are never the primary concern. Demons engage in ordinary conversation only as a ruse, when they are firmly entrenched, in full possession. The talk then appears normal, but is unreal. Afterwards you may recognize that something was not right.

 

Such a situation is like a dog on a leash. When a demon has a person on a leash, that is, when the demon is in full control, he will allow the person to appear to be talking freely, up to the end of the leash. Like the leashed dog, the person may even consider himself to be free, so long as he doesn't reach the end of his leash. The actual freedom of the dog--or the possessed person, is always determined by his remaining within that established length of his possession.

 

There is, of course, nothing inherently wrong with such a conversation whose parameters are determined by what a demon allows. Our subject here, however, is about going beyond that limitation, talking to the demon. At this point, power becomes the first critical issue. If the demon is in control, all the talk is, finally, contrived. Only when power is balanced--when the demon is at the edge of his possession--does demon talk become possible. Otherwise the conversation is with a puppet.


Saying all the right things in the right direction, the subject of the next guidelines, becomes irrelevant so long as the demon is in full charge. You can say all the right things to a demon in full control of the situation and nothing will be effected. Or, you may say many things wrongly, missing these guidelines, yet attentive to the power issue, and still achieve productive results. The point is, power balance must precede proper speaking, or the speaking will be to no avail.

 

Speaking with authority means that you must confront a demon, or a person who is possessed at the time, from a position of power rather than impotence. You must be so contained, so much a person, so in control of yourself, that you are literally a threat to the demon or the demon's possession of the other. Otherwise the conversation will be essentially phoney. you may enjoy verbally playing with the dog on the leash or talking to the puppet on the string, but demon encounter will be missed. Personal power is essential for demon talk.

 

This power will be revealed in the manner of your speech. Such talk will be with authority. Authoritative speech occurs when one means what he says, believes in his limited knowledge, and is willing to stand by it. This authority is to be distinguished from authoritarian. It is an embraced-quiet-power, not a loud show-of-power intended to cloak an underlying weakness. A teacher, for example, who has a thorough knowledge of her subject, may speak with such authority. Because she knows what she is talking about, she need make no display of knowledge to conceal her ignorance. A student's question does not threaten her, since she knows her subject. She has no need to lord it over the class, making a dishonest show-of-power to cloak her weakness on the subject. Such a teacher might speak with the type of authority being described here.

 

Specifically, speech made in this manner is honest, clear, and to the point. The speaker is not defensive, since she is speaking from a position of power. She need not hide weakness with a profusion of words. Nor is her speech an attack, inherently threatening by its tone. There is no invisible pointed finger concealed in such talk. With authority means simply that the person is speaking as a person, honestly staying with herself and expressing what she knows from experience. There is no godliness in such authority, only full humanity. Because such a speaker is well aware of human limitations also, her authoritative speech is essentially humble in nature.

 

Such is the manner of effective speech, no matter what its subject may be, when one converses with a demon. Whatever you say with this human authority, with your power-to-be-one brought openly into the presence of a possessed person, you can expect to be heard. Demons hear and respect, more than all else, a power which may threaten their possession of a person. If demon talk is to be productive, it must first, last, and always be voiced with authority. When another person's demon is overpowering you, you may have a nice talk with the possessed person, but your encounter with the demon will be ineffective. First, speak with authority; then consider the following guidelines, always in the context of this personal authority embraced and revealed.

 

B. SPEAK TO THE PERSON WHO IS POSSESSED


In the beginning, direct your conversation to the person, even though you sense his possession at the time. Recognizing that the person is not himself, that is, is possessed by some demon, go ahead talking to the person. Ignore the demon. Speak to the person as though the demon is not present. Your ig-norance (not true ignorance) will be calculated rather than naive; that is, you will be choosing to ignore what you are actually aware of. It will be like talking to a person with a disfigured face; certainly you will be aware of the disfigurement, yet you proceed in conversing as though it does not exist.


The purpose of this initial calculated ig-norance is to convey your respect, support, and encouragement to the person who is possessed. You are saying, in effect: I believe in you. I can deny this demon and believe that you can also. By your behavior you are saying: "It can be done; the demon can be resisted. Muster your courage, as I have, and resist him." Although this may sound simple, it requires that you artfully avoid the set-ups which are to be expected when demons are present.


As noted earlier, power is always the underlying theme of demon talk. Words are used, but conversing is not the point. The possessed person is neither revealing himself nor asking for information from you. Verbal traps or set-ups are constantly being presented, often under cover of polite conversation. If you are to proceed positively, speaking to the person rather than reacting to the demons, each of these set-ups must be avoided.


In naming the traps set-ups, no maliciousness or conscious evil on the part of the other person is implied. As noted earlier, possession is almost always unconscious. Probably the man speaking to Jesus was sincere. Possessed persons usually are. They, as we say, mean well. However, the intentions or conscious motives of the person are irrelevant here. In demon talk we deal with the event, not the motives of the possessed person.

 

Whether the person is intentionally trying to set you up, or is innocently being directed by his demon, the responsibility of one who would converse with a person who is possessed is to avoid the trap. In the example of Jesus, the set-up begins non-

verbally, before any words are said. First the man bows down before Jesus. He worships or pays homage on his knees. What a powerful set-up! What an invitation to demons of pride or the assumption of exaggerated powers (Adult demons: God or Saint). This is a common ruse of submissive demons. They pretend to worship as a power play. One who falls for it, ends up in the control of the worshipping person. This happens regularly in romantic love. A man, for example, possessed by a Wimp or Martyr demon, adores a woman, gets down on his knees for her (in effect, if not literally), all as a power play designed, even though unconsciously, to set her up to be his Queen to make him happy. If she falls, she is then in a precarious position.

 

When conversation begins in the biblical example, a second set-up is immediately presented: What do you want with me...Don't torment me. The question and the order are like engraved invitations to be dictated by the power of the possessed person's submissive demons. The temptations to Jesus--to either be defensive by explaining that he didn't want anything from the man or that he certainly had no intention of tormenting him--must have been great.

 

This is a common tactic of demons--to assume the upper hand immediately by throwing you off guard with a tricky question or an untrue implication about you. Everyday examples include such questions as: Where have you been?, Why are you doing this to me?, Don't you love me?, Do you think I would ever hurt you?, and endlessly on. The second tactic, the order (Don't torment me.), is also familiar. Don't talk to me like that. Don't you dare hurt me. Don't ever use that word again. Don't look at me like that.

 

These and many other power plays are common introductions for demon talk. The first necessity in talking to the person is, don't fall for a power play. Avoid the set-up, no matter what it is. Even if the person means well, is entirely sincere in the tactic, has no conscious knowledge of what he is doing, still it remains incumbent on one who would converse with a possessed person to avoid any invitations to give in to the power of the demon. Remember, power, not conversation, is the primary issue here.

 

Note that Jesus dealt with the possible set-up by simply ignoring it. He refused the bait. He began neither with an explanation of himself by any answer to the question, What do you want with me?, nor with any promise not to torment the man. One of the better ways to avoid a set-up is by pretending to ignore it. Actually you remain very attentive to the invitation as an evidence of the possibility of demons, but being also aware of the power play, you avoid the set-up by stepping around it--verbally speaking.

 

The familiar ways to begin a conversation, either by inviting a revelation from the person (How are you?), or by giving a revelation of yourself (I'm glad to see you.), are good procedures here also. They must, however, be genuine. How are you?, for example, or, What is your name?, must be sincere requests for information, based on a respect for the person and a willingness to hear and receive him as he is. Often these introductions to conversation are merely polite rituals in which the words are incidental. How are you,--as a ritual--is more like a statement than the most profound of all requests for existential information, namely, What is the state of your being? In this guideline, the latter use of the phrase is required.

 

In the example, Jesus invited a revelation of the person. He asked, What is your name? Evidently, by what follows, this was not a mere passing of the time of day, an empty social ritual. Note Jesus' respect for the person. Obviously Jesus was aware of his possession, yet he did not condemn, look down on the man, patronize, or in any way act superior. Also implicit is Jesus' respect for the power of the demons. His avoidance of the set-up, something we unsuspecting innocents so often fail to do, is revealed in his choice to ignore it.

 

Instead, he opened the verbal door for the possessed man to reveal himself if he chose to. This is a prototype for effective conversation with a possessed person. Ask the person what it is like for him. Extend an invitation to his honesty. Ignoring the demon, speak to the person. Give the possessed person a chance to be himself with you, to lay aside his demonic devices and reveal who he is.


To dare ask this ultimate question, sincerely, you should, of course, be prepared for a significant event. Jesus' question was evidently not a merely polite, How are you? He must have risked opening himself to hear an answer to this most terrifying of all questions. You never know what will come if you honestly invite another to reveal his being ("How are you?"). Apparently everyone else had rejected the man, refusing even to talk to him. Yet Jesus dared to respectfully ask for the most personal of all that can be asked.

 

To further clarify, note some of the things which Jesus did not do. For example, he did not present himself as superior to the possessed man. He did not ask, What's wrong with you?, or, How dare you talk to me like that?, or, Why don't you get a hold on yourself?" Nor did he give the man any good advice about what he ought to do to better himself. Instead, as another human being who understood what it means to be possessed, he invited revelation.

 

And he got it. Imagine such an honest answer in a first encounter! Obviously sensing the sincerity of Jesus, the man succinctly revealed himself in one sentence: My name is Legion; for we are many. Ask a profound question, and sometimes you get a profound answer. This was such a time. To this stranger who dared ignore his demons and respect him as a person, the man revealed the awesome state in which he found himself.

 

In this instance the asker's own openness is revealed in the question. This is one possibly effective way to respond to a person who is possessed. Another way is to reveal yourself directly. Instead of asking the other person who-he-is, you may go first and tell him who-you-are. That is, instead of silently revealing yourself by inviting a revelation of the other, you may verbally reveal yourself, leaving the other to be the one who shares the revelation. In either case, openness to the other is the guideline. Invite a revelation, or give a revelation. I can imagine Jesus taking this alternate option. Well, Mr. Legion, I think I understand what you mean; I remember so vividly my own time with a demon in the wilderness..., and so on.

 

To summarize: in demon talk a first guideline is to speak to the person who is possessed as though he were not possessed. Choose to ignore the demon and talk directly to the individual, even when the demon is clearly recognized. Although it may sound casual, this form of response requires alertness to the demon in avoiding set-ups, respect for the person's integrity and possible power to also avoid the demon, and an openness to whatever may be revealed next. These revelations may take the form of, How-are-you, or, This-is-how-I-am; in either case, the invitation or personal revelation must be genuine.

 

If you are fortunate, the person who is possessed may take courage and also resist his own demon at the time. This is ideal. Since one must ultimately confront his own demons before he is able to follow his angels, these experiences in positive resistance can be invaluable. However, they are not always possible. Then, a third approach may be useful:

 

C. SPEAK TO THE POSSESSED PERSON


When ignoring a demon does not lead to its exodus, that is, when the person is unable (or unwilling) to avoid his demon as you have, then you may also openly admit the presence of the demon and include him in the conversation. In following this third guideline, you continue to talk to the person, but now begin to take open cognizance of the demon also present. No longer is the demon ignored.

 

For example, suppose a woman recognizes that a man is being possessed by a Jerk demon. Why try?, he might have said; There's just no point in going on. If she had already tried ignoring the demon by revealing her love for the person possessed, yet he has persisted in his possession, as in the above comment, she might now move to this third guideline. Look, Tim, I know it is tempting to give up, but I also know we love each other. I believe we can make it. Note that she speaks to the person, but now takes cognizance of the demon tempting Tim to give up on the relationship.

 

The stance of the unpossessed person is the same as described above under non-verbal responses. Whatever is said, you are standing with the person, yet up to the demon. Even though the other person is giving in to his demon, you are not. The confrontation is not yet direct, yet you are carefully resisting and containing the demon by your own power. Other types of comments at such a time might be: Let's not fight about this. I believe we can handle this problem. I'm not going to participate in this kind of behavior. I don't think you truly mean what you are saying; I believe you do care for me. I think your life is worth living, even if you feel tempted to give up.

 

The point is, even though the demon's presence is no longer being ignored, as in step one, continue to speak to the possessed person responsibly. While choosing to resist the demon yourself, talk to the person, conveying your belief that he is also capable of withstanding his own demon.

 

D. SPEAK TO THE POSSESSING DEMONS


If the first three guidelines prove ineffective--if ignoring the demon doesn't work, and if you are unable to get the possessed person to resist his own demons, then you have no choice, if you remain an unpossessed person in the verbal encounter, but to confront his demons directly. You must speak to them yourself. Instead of speaking to the person who is possessed, as though he were not, or to the possessed person, as though he were, you now speak directly to the demon who is possessing the person.

 

As suggested above under non-verbal responses, you continue your resistance, only now in verbal form. You choose to stand up to the demon verbally as well as non-verbally. In some way you convey your power to withstand its domination. Three levels of power--containment, control, and expulsion may be followed. First you may contain the demon's power by limiting it. No, I will not do what you say. This has gone far enough. I will no longer ignore your interference. You have reached the limit of my tolerance. Enough is enough.

 

Or, you may begin to exercise direct control yourself. Stop that now. Be quiet. Say no more. Come back (if the person is walking away); this conversation is not over. Although you know that you are speaking to the possessing demon, in all likelihood the person who is possessed will not recognize the fact. In these deeper levels of possession, the individual is almost always identified completely with his demons. He will take what you say, at least consciously, personally. Unfortunately this cannot be avoided. Later, perhaps, and on a deeper level at the time, he may recognize and appreciate what you are doing. But don't count on it at the time.


Even though you risk the person's misunderstanding, the integrity of the encounter, as well as that of the person, requires that you withstand a demon's control. If you surrender, the encounter ceases to be meaningful. If there is a relationship, you place it, by your own acquiescence, on an unreal basis. The results will be disastrous in the long run. For any encounter or relationship to stay significant, at least one person must remain unpossessed and confront the demons in an effective manner.

 

This is especially important when you care for the person who is possessed. Though tempted to ignore his demons, or to evade your loved one when he is possessed, remember that he or she needs you at the time. Helping a loved one to confront his demons by doing so yourself when he is unable or unwilling to is one of the finest acts of love.

 

The final possibility, when containment and control do not work and you choose to remain in the encounter or relationship, is to attempt to expel the demons yourself. This is the most demanding, most dangerous, and most temporary of all options. In this final choice, you participate directly in an exorcism for the other person. Personal powers are manifest verbally so as to drive the demon out at the time. Instead of containing or controlling, you demand that the demon go away. In the biblical illustration, after the possessed man speaks for his demons, begging Jesus to leave him and them alone, Jesus takes this latter choice. Sometimes it is the only thing left to do.

 

In the language of this book, such an awesome encounter might include such directives as this: Alright Witch, enough is enough; leave my lover. You have been in charge long enough. Go away; I am now going to speak to this lady I love, not to you any longer. Or, if a Jerk is the possessing demon, you might verbally confront him with: Okay, Jerk, this is it. I've listened to you enough. Leave my friend alone. I have things to say to him. Then, speaking directly to your friend you might add: I hate it when the Jerk takes over. I love you, but I find him detestable.

 

The personal faith, courage, and power required for such an event are immense. Rarely, so far as I know, are persons able to succeed for long with such exorcisms. Even when possible, the inherent dangers are great. Demons never, as best I can tell, go away permanently. At the end of Jesus' successful confrontation with his own demon, Luke records that the demon departed for a season. Since an exorcism for another involves little exercise of his own faith, the temporarily improved state may actually leave him more vulnerable in the future. Certainly the social dangers for one who attempts an exorcism today are great.

 


LOOK FOR YOUR ANGELS

 

After you have RECOGNIZED, RESPECTED, And RESISTED the demons in a person you are with, the next step is to look for your own appropriate angels. In practice, this fourth step may become an integral part of step three, Resistance. When you are not securely in your own skin, that is, when you are slightly out of touch with your personal capacities, looking for your angels can be a vital element in resisting the demons in others. When, for example, you are tempted to hook into the demons of another person, giving in to possession by your own complementary demons, one of the best alternatives is to search diligently for the angel which your demon seeks to replace.

 

As noted in the Demon Dictionary, each particular demon is likely to appear in the void created by the absence of an angel. When the Prince angel is denied, the Jerk or Martyr demons are likely to appear. When the Queen angel is negated, the Slave or Super-mom demons are predictable. And so on. Each angel has its probable demon replacements. While a demon is being resisted, look carefully for the missing angel.

 

If, for instance, you realize that you are being possessed by a Jerk demon, resist the temptation and look for your Prince angel which the Jerk is likely to have replaced. Instead of exploring a situation, as the Prince would have done, the Jerk may be tempting you to complain about how difficult things are, even to run away. If you have recognized your Jerk, plus the urge to play Poor Little Me, and have resisted complaining or running away, then look again for your Prince angel. Make room for the explorer's return. If you don't succumb to the Jerk, what new exploration into the situation might the Prince make?

 

Or, if the Slave demon has appeared in the absence of your nurturing Queen, tempting you to turn into a servant of the family, and you have resisted the impulse to, for example, clean up after everybody who has left the table to go watch television, then look again for your Queen. Make room in your mind for her capacities. What would a Queen who cared for her family do instead of turning into a Slave for them? Having recognized and resisted your Slave demon, look for your Queen angel again.

 

One whose Kingliness has been replaced by a Tyrant demon, which has in turn been recognized and resisted, should again look for the King angel. Instead of dictatorially threatening a child who has misbehaved, for example, such a person would look for the reasonableness of his King. What would be the reasonable thing to do, instead of issuing threatening ultimatums?

 

OPPOSITE ANGELS

 

After making room for the reappearance of the particular angel which the demon probably replaced, the next move is to look for that angel's opposite counterpart--opposite in the Gender or Age categories. More about how-to is included in the next section; here the principle is amplified.

 

Usually we fall for one angel's replacing demons at the very time when the opposite angel needs to be heeded. For instance, when it is time for an exploring Prince to add the directiveness of King to a situation, he may be tempted to turn into the Prince's replacing demons instead--the Jerk or Martyr. But if he resists these demons and returns to Princeliness, he should then look for his King angel (opposite to Prince in same Gender). Recalling that the King's first option is to think, such a person, again into his exploring Prince, might wonder: If I think about this situation reasonably, what would a directing King do? How could I go about taking charge rather than turning into a Martyr or Jerk?

 

Or, if one resists the Adult (Age category) demon's temptation to turn into a perfect Saint, returning instead into a responsible Adult, then he should look for his opposite angel as well, in this case, his Youth angel. Instead of trying to be perfectly responsible as the Saint would call for, the person would look for his playful Youth. How can I be playfully responsible, as both an Adult and Youth, instead of falling into the deadly seriousness of a Saint?, such a person might wonder.

 

The opposite of each angel is its counterpart from either the Age or Gender categories. Here is a list of opposites:

 

Youth - Adult, and, Male - Female

 Prince - King, and, Prince - Princess

 Princess - Queen, and, Princess - Prince

 King - Prince, and, King - Queen

 Queen - Princess, and, Queen - Princess

 

In general, the first recommended move, after returning to the capacity which had been replaced by its demons, is to look for the opposite angel in the Gender category, then for the opposite in the Age category. Since Youth and Adult, Male and Female angels have only one opposite in their own category--Youth to Adult, Male to Female, and vice versa--this last recommendation applies to Prince, Princess, King, and Queen only.

 

Following this suggestion, the Prince, for instance, will first look for his King angel (the Gender category), and then for his Princess angel (opposite in the Age category). The King, in reverse, will look first for his Prince angel, then for his Queen angel. A Princess will seek her Queenly counterpart, then look for her Prince. A Queen will look for her Princess (Gender category first), then for her King (Age category second).

 

For example, suppose a Princess resists the temptation to give in to a Bitch demon by going back to her capacity for being a charming Princess. Her next move will be to look for her Queen angel (opposite in Gender category first). To her capacity for charming, she will now look for her capacity to nurture as the Queen does. Now that I look good, she might think, what can I do to be helpful?


After embracing her Queenliness, her next move would be to look for her own Prince angel (Age category opposite). Remembering that the Princely capacity is exploring, venturing out, she might then begin to wonder about getting more adventuresome in the situation. Now that I've (1) resisted the temptation to be a Bitch and (2) returned to my charming self instead, (3), done what I can do to be helpful (added Queenliness), let me (4) explore the situation further (as Princes do). If I get adventurous, what might I do next?


The last angel to seek is the one in a diagonal direction on the overall chart. The diagonals are these: Prince - Queen, Princess - King, and King - Princess, Queen - Prince. If, in the example above, our Princess has returned from bitching, found her Queen angel first, then her Prince (Gender, then Age angels), her last move is toward her diagonal angel--her King. Finally, she will search for her capacity to direct, as Kings do. In this last move she will round out herself as a whole person.

 

Here is an example: suppose you are with a person who is beginning to turn into a Bitch (to get possessed by a Bitch demon). Instead of encountering you, the person starts to complain about how you do things--one of the signs of the Bitch demon. You may be tempted to turn into a Martyr, the most complementary demon for a Bitch, and attempt to resolve her complaints. If you recognize your temptation, one of the better ways to resist the Bitch's invitations is to look carefully for your own Prince angel which the Martyr demon is seeking to replace. Instead of becoming heroic Martyr for the Bitch, look carefully for your own exploring Prince angel.


If you are able to reestablish contact with your exploratory capacities, represented by the Prince angel, the next move is to look for your opposite or complementary angel. In all likelihood, this opposite angel's function is the most appropriate means of confronting the demon in the other person at the time. Opposite angel means the complementary angel in either the Gender or Age category. The opposite of Prince, for example, is King in the Gender category, and Princess in the Age category. The opposite of Queen in the Gender category is Princess; in Age, it is King.

 

The same guidelines previously recommended for dealing with your own demons apply when you are confronting the demons in others. For review:

 

1. Look for the angel which your own demon seeks to replace (this was discussed above). After getting back in touch with your capacities in this area:

 

2. Look for your opposite or complementary angel.

 a. In the Gender category first.

 b. In the Age category second.

 

3. Look for your diagonal angel (the opposite angel in the opposite category). The diagonal angels are these: Prince's diagonal = Queen; Princess's diag- onal = King; King's = Princess; Queen's = Prince.

 

To look for means to seek to activate the capacity each angel represents. Looking for your King angel, for example, means searching for your ability to direct a situation. In each of these guidelines, the procedure is to resist the inviting demon in another person by confronting that demon with your own angels--in the order enumerated above. The guidelines are just that--guidelines, rather than infallible rules. In desperate situations one may wisely begin with looking for a diagonal angel first; however, the guidelines are given for average encounters with demons.

 

Continuing with the example begun above--the appearance of a Bitch demon in another person: Assuming that you have resisted the temptation to complement the other person's demon with one of your own, such as, the Martyr or Jerk, the next move is guideline two: Look for your opposite angel, in the Gender category first. The opposite Gender angel of the Prince is the King. Instead of trying to resolve the Bitch's complaint (as the Hero/Martyr demon would do) or run away (as a Jerk might do), remain as exploratory Prince, but start looking for your King angel. That is, try to activate your ability to think reasonably and decide how to best direct the present situation (functions of the King).

 

Suppose the Bitch complained about a light bulb being burned out. A Prince might be tempted to resurrect his complementary Martyr demon and heroically rush in to change it for her, saving her from her problem. Or he might be tempted to become a Jerk instead, getting upset that she has a problem and countering her complaint with a defense such as, I don't have time for such mundane matters. If the person resisted these tempting demons, his first move would be to look for and embrace his own Princeliness, that is, to remain creative, as Princes are. To the stimulation of her complaint he might respond with personal exploration. I wonder what we can do about that, he could ponder aloud.

 

Following the second guideline--if the first does not resolve the danger, he would begin to look for his King angel (opposite in Gender category, to reason about the situation, logically thinking about the best way to handle it. Assuming direction of the encounter, he might conclude that it is time to teach the Princess about such matters. Perhaps the King would say: Yes, it is distracting not to have good lighting. Come and let me show you how I change bulbs. Going to the closet he might begin to explain wattage of bulbs, guessing that a 75 watt bulb would be right for that particular light. Without judging her for being ignorant or lazy, he would proceed both to handle the situation and to teach her how to do it for herself.

 

With many demons, this guideline will prove sufficient. The Bitch may be exorcised and the charming Princess return. If, however, the Bitch continues: Don't try to make me do it; you change it for me, the second guideline may be applied: look for your opposite angel in the Age category. The opposite Age angel for the Prince is the Princess. With this guideline the exploring Prince would look for his own Princess angel to add to his Kingliness. The Princess, remember, is charming. The Prince would thus add charm to his creativity: Oh, what a shame that the bulb burned out just when we need it. I wonder who we can get to fix it. I just hate for these things to happen. All this, of course, said playfully, as a good Princess might talk.

 

If one is lucky, this second type of confrontation will lead to the exorcism of the Bitch. Perhaps the person will laugh, returning to herself, and say, Come with me and let's look for another bulb. But if, instead, she gets even more Bitchy: Don't try to play games with me, following these guidelines one would move to number three: Look for your diagonal angel, in this case, the Queen.

 

To your Prince, King, and Princess, add the nurturing of the Queen. Look for your own capacity to care for the person who has become so overwrought by such a simple problem. What a regrettable state that must be! If you find your Queenliness, you might go, put your arm abound the Bitch-possessed Princess who has so completely lost herself, and lovingly say, Goodness, goodness; what has happened to the lady I love. Come sit in my lap for awhile.

 

OTHER GUIDELINES

 

Living or working with possessed persons may be enhanced by attention to these additional guidelines. The three R's--RECOGNITION, RESPECT, and RESISTANCE, plus Looking for your own angels, should come first. Then these secondary suggestions may be useful:

 

1. AVOID INVITING THE DEMONS IN OTHERS.

 2. DON'T TAKE THEIR DEMONS PERSONALLY.

 3. DON'T IDENTIFY THEIR DEMONS WITH THE PERSON.

 4. LOVE THE PERSON POSSESSED (IF YOU DO).

 

Many encounters with demons in others can be avoided if you are attentive to your own part in inviting their demons into the open. We do not create demons in others, but we can be a significant influence in tempting their demons to be overtly present. Once you learn to recognize the typical demons in a person, you may also note the types of stimuli which evoke these demons to become active. Then, by monitoring your own speech or behavior, you may avoid presenting unnecessary temptations for their demons to be activated.

 

For example, suppose a person has a Slave demon which you have previously recognized. This demon will be tempted by anything which needs to be done. You may help the person avoid getting possessed by not displaying possibilities for service, for example, leaving your plate on the table when you finish eating. Or if someone has a powerful SOB demon, you may be cautious about discussions on women's liberation. If a person has a Witch demon, take care about displaying your weaknesses. They will only tempt the person to turn into a Witch and attack.

 

Once a demon is openly present, the second suggestion may be useful: don't take the activity of the demon personally, that is, as though it were an attack on you as an individual. Demons are reactive; they tend their territory carefully, regardless of the person who threatens their possession. No matter who you are, they react the same. Before giving in to a demon of your own, such as a resident Jerk who invites you to indulge in Poor Little Me, remember that the demons of others have nothing against you personally; they simply protect their territory whenever it appears to be threatened.

 

Nor should you make the mistake of identifying another person's demons with him or herself as a person. Even when a person is in total possession by a particular demon, still the person is not the same as the demon. Persons get possessed by demons, but the demons never become the person. Always remember that demons are foreign forces, present and to be reckoned with, but not to be identified with the person they possess at the time.


For example, if your spouse turns into a Bitch who complains about what you are not doing for her, remember that it is the Bitch who is complaining, not the person who loves you. Don't treat the two as though they are the same. If your spouse turns into a Jerk, threatening to leave, remember that you are dealing with a demon, not the man you married. This awareness is significant because reason calls for different ways of relating to demons and to persons who are possessed. If you mistake the two as the same, you cannot make this distinction.

 

Finally, if you do care for the person who is possessed, continue to love the individual even though you confront his or her demons in an authoritative manner. Be loving with the person while you resist the demons. This line, of course, can be difficult to draw while you are in the midst of an encounter with a possessed person. Easily the two are confused. If, for instance, a demon rejects you--as commonly they will--you may mistake the rejection as from the person you care for. How you should respond to a demon who rejects and to the person who is possessed by the rejecting demon are very different.

 

This difficult-to-follow, yet important guideline is: love the possessed person even if you must openly resist the demon which controls him at the time. In confronting the demon, be careful that you do not reject the person you love at the same time. Do not expect the one you love to understand your actions, since he is probably identified with his demon in the moment and thus unable to distinguish his demon from himself; even so, be tender with your loved one. Though fierceness may be necessary with a demon, remember to be kind to the one you love. Tough love, this has been called. And so it is--tough in appearance and tough to do, yet often appropriate if you confront demons in your loved ones.

 

SUMMARY

 

Good living calls for all four major capacities and their associated roles; when any one is missing (unembraced or unlearned) we are likely to seek it. Ideally, we listen for and heed our angels within--where our missing capacities are both hidden and needed. More often we look outside ourselves, out there in the world; and this means in other people.

 

Ideally, we relate to others out of love, because we care for them as separate persons. More often, we need them to complete us, to round us out with what is missing within.

 

 

As incomplete persons, not whole within ourselves, we are drawn and attracted to those who seem to complete us or supply our missing parts. Romance, often, is an unconscious attraction to our shadowed missing selves. Opposites attract. Friendships are commonly a union of missing or opposite parts which bring to each person a greater sense of wholeness or completion.

 

When we find our missing parts, the result, as everyone knows, is delightful--at first. In romance we revel in the wonder of fulfillment (literally) which we find in the other person. Friendships in which our missing parts are found are satisfying and fun. All this, of course, temporarily.

 

The extended results of such relationships are more likely to be these:


1. DEPENDENCY. First, we become dependent on those we need to fulfill our own lacks. We lean on them.


2. SECURITY AND GROWTH. In the security of the completion we find in the other we naturally tend to grow ourselves, to round out, daring to embrace some of our own missing parts.


3. RUB AND THREAT. But as we grow, the fit in which the other person supplied what was missing within ourselves no longer fits. A rub develops instead. Thank's, but I can do it myself now. Or, if the other person grows in the security which we provide, then their movements as separate persons are likely to threaten us. In either case, or both as it most often is, the fitted relationship begins to get uncomfortable with a combination of rubbing each other the wrong way, and/or feeling threatened at the changes in ourselves or the other person.

 

4. CONFLICT AND BLAME. What begins with a rub, a minor sense of irritation, is apt to turn into true conflict in time. Minor disagreements turn into major differences. Then, more often than not, we begin to blame the other person for the growing dissatisfaction we feel in the relationship. The fault, of course, is usually theirs. If only they would...(or wouldn't).

 

5. CHANGE AND FIGHT. Seeing their faults, our demons predictably try to get them to change--or force them, which leads to demon fights of varying intensity. Since we are notably resistant to the efforts of others to change us, deeply wanting to be accepted as we are, their well-intended attempts to make us better (or our's to improve them) lead to more and more conflicts escalated into fights--emotional if not physical, passive if not active.

 

6. RESIGNATION OR DIVORCE. Once our differences are recognized, even if we blame ourselves rather than our partners, and the efforts to change them or us have failed, two options are familiar. We may simply resign ourselves--give up in the effort to change things--to a shallow and no-longer-exciting relationship, or we may look for a way out. Divorce or leave.

 

7. LOOK FOR A BETTER REPLACEMENT. Since the first person proved to be a poor fulfillment for ourselves, the logical next step is to look for a better candidate. We did our best, but it didn't work out, that is, we thought it was perfect, but not so. Surely some other person will be more fitted to complete us. Or so the familiar script goes.

 

The alternative to this seven step drama, so familiar as to be commonly accepted as the way things are, is to grow-up ourselves--that is, to find self-fulfillment, personal completion, rather than looking for our missing parts in other people. Then, should we be so fortunate, we face the option of loving others, rather than needing them to make us whole.

 

The latter, obviously, is what this book is all about.

 

**********





CHAPTER 10

 

APPENDIX

********

 

LANGUAGE ISSUES

 

Angels and demons, as understood here, are figures of speech, not figures in space, either tangible or intangible. They are real in the sense of phenomena, like hurricanes, but not as entities, such as, rats or ghosts. They are names for real experiences, like hope, but not for real things, like hands. Angels and demons are real, but there is no such thing (literally) as an angel or a demon.

 

Santa Claus is a similar use of language. The jolly, red-clad, pipe-smoking fellow with a long white beard and a bundle of toys is an excellent figure of speech (a personification, to be exact) representing the spirit of Christmas. The Tooth Fairy, similarly, names the phenomenon of parents who understand and attempt to compensate children for the loss of teeth. Each is real--the spirit of giving and of understanding do exist--but Santa's beard will never need trimming, nor has any child yet stayed up late enough to see the Tooth Fairy. Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy are figures of speech which may be useful in representing experiential realities--real phenomena which often need to be named (Who leaves the toys on Christmas eve?), but not to be searched for as entities. And so with angels and demons. These phenomena really exist, and often need naming.

 

Language is used similarly, but less dramatically, with such real phenomena as hurricanes, hope, conscience, super-ego, illusions, and broken hearts. Technically, these names for human experiences are not figures of speech--similes, metaphors, or personifications; they name experiential events directly. Though they may seem like it at the time (a simile), none of them are literal entities. Certainly hurricanes are real. When winds reach the speed of 74 miles per hour we even give them personal names, such as, Betsy or Edward. But where does Betsy go when the winds die down? Out to sea, we may say, in order to answer our own question logically. But should we want to have a funeral, there would be no body to bury at sea or elsewhere. Betsy existed as a real phenomenon, indeed, an immensely dangerous and destructive force, but she never was an entity. There would be no point in renting a boat to go in search of a departed hurricane who went out to sea. Demons are like inside hurricanes (a simile).

 

Hope may be closer to home. Hope is real, perhaps best recognized when replaced by its twin, hopelessness. As everyone knows, especially when it has gone (where?), hope matters. But hope is an experiential reality, not an entity. No use climbing a tree to look for it when it is missing. Maybe go looking in California, if you like company, but probably this won't work for long either. Angels are like hope. They matter also.


Less recognized as similar experiential events are such phenomena as conscience, super-ego, and illusions. Conscience is certainly a powerful force. Ask anyone with a guilty one. Freud studied the phenomenon and gave it a more sophisticated name: super-ego. But like hurricanes, consciences come and go; even Dr. Freud, so far as we know, was never able to pin one down, no matter how precisely he described it.

 

Illusions, such as, mirages and rabbits in magician's hats, are even more elusive. But everyone who has been to the desert or a magic show knows that such illusions really do exist. They are real, however, as experiential phenomena--one does see what appears to be water in the desert and a rabbit come out of an empty hat. Yet they are not existential entities. There is no point in getting a bucket and rushing toward a mirage, or in carefully examining a magician's hat. The water isn't really out there; nor is there a furry creature in his hat. So it is with angels and demons.

 

Broken hearts are another example of this use of figurative language. Most everyone knows about the pain of a broken heart; but we also know that no surgical procedure can mend it. A "broken heart" is a useful figure of speech for telling about a powerfully significant and painfully common human experience. Angels and demons are another such use.

 

One further language clarification may be useful in understanding our subject. Entities--things-out-there--are further subdivided into the categories of tangible and intangible. Trees are tangible; air is intangible. We can touch tangible trees, but not intangible air (unless it moves fast). Both, however, exist as things-out-there, even though one is subject to exploration with the bodily senses (you can touch trees), while the other cannot be grasped with the hand (a handful of intangible air is nothing).

 

Intangible entities also include ideas, concepts, and beliefs. These latter intangibles--which are our primary concern here--are different from air and other real things which may be difficult to determine with the human senses. While air and certain other intangible entities can be measured with instruments more delicate than the human body, ideas cannot. Yet they can be grasped with the mind. Although we cannot sense, for example, the concept of numbers--we can't grasp it with our hands, or taste, hear, or smell it--still it exists out there as an intangible entity. Even though I cannot touch the number six with my finger, I can grasp it with my mind. It exists as another intangible thing.

 

All other concepts and beliefs, for example, the ideas that the world is round or that men are better than women (or vice versa), exist as intangible entities. Though they differ from other non-touchable things-out-there, such as hurricanes, hope, mirages, illusions, broken hearts, and air, still they are external entities, things, in the broadest sense of the word. Recognizing all such concepts, including a belief in angels or demons, as yet another intangible thing is essential for understanding the use which we make of language in this book.

 

Angels and demons, as discussed here, are figures of speech, not entities out there, either tangible or intangible. This is different from the popular understanding of these words, reflected, for example, in a recent declaration of Pope John Paul who, according to the Associated Press, maintains that even though the church doctrine on the devil has largely gone out of fashion over the past two centuries, the devil is still very much in the world, tempting men to evil.


It is also different from the demon in a haunted house in West Pittston, Pennsylvania, which a priest from St. Bonaventure University in New York was recently sent to exorcise. Apparently, both the Pope and this priest conceive of the devil and demons as entities. Whether they perceive them to be tangible or intangible, we cannot tell, but seemingly they believe these entities to be out there, subject to tempting humans or being exorcised from houses. This understanding is different from that of this book.

 

As figures of speech, angels and demons considered here are real phenomena, like broken hearts, but not real entities, either tangible or intangible. A demon in a person, for instance, is like hope in a person, but not like a rat or ghost in a house. Demon, rat, and ghost are all names, but the first is a figure of speech; the last two are literal entities. A rat or ghost may really be in a house, but there is no such thing (literally) as a demon in a person. The phenomenon is real, yet not as a separable thing.

 

Understanding this difference becomes significant when we move from the concepts of angels and demons to the practice of encountering them. Coping with a demon is distinctively different from coping with a rat. Metaphorically speaking, we may talk about getting rid of demons, exorcising them, but this is not the same as getting rid of rats or ghosts in a house. Casting out demons is an apt figure of speech for the process of exorcism, but is not to be understood here in the same sense as casting out rats from an ordinary house or ghosts from a haunted house. The first is like the second, that is, it is a simile drawn from the physical act of throwing out an entity; yet it is significantly different in many other ways.

 

The popular understanding of old theological arguments about how many angels can sit on the head of a pin, and more recent jokes by comedian Flip Wilson concerning a devil which made me do it, and these assertions about the power of angels and demons in human lives are essentially different. Angels, considered here, though equally numerous, never sit on pin heads; demons discussed here, though equally powerful, are an explanation but not an excuse for irresponsible behavior. These demons name the something in the explanation, I don't know what got into me, but they do not leave one innocent as though that something were a separable entity subject to exorcism by a prayer or priest.

 

This use of angel and demon language is comparable to other psychological descriptions, such as Freud's use of super-ego to name a psychic phenomenon roughly equivalent to conscience in everyday language. In transactional analysis the term parental tapes is sometimes used for ingested voices from the past. Various psychiatric labels, such as, paranoia, schizophrenia, depression, and inferiority complex, may also be used to name the demons amplified in this book.

 

Why, one may reasonably ask, should we revert to such a primitive language for phenomena which now have more modern terminology? Given the dangers inherent in literal understanding of this language, such as the witch hunts of the 1700's, or the irresponsibility of those who may presently blame their failures on devils, why not say one has, for example, an inferiority complex, or some such psychological label? Parental tapes, super-egos, etc., certainly avoid these dangers, and for many are more easily understood.

 

Yet for all the advantages of modern terminology the primitive language of angels and demons may still be useful in conveying the awesome power of these phenomena which yet please and plague present civilization. I believe that angel and demon language may also be more easily understood--if we can get past literalism, and convey a clarity often missing in psychological jargon. Somehow parental tape, though descriptive and accurate, fails to invite the sense of danger and urgency which may be evoked by the name demon.


A second major danger of psychological language is that it may be understood as a mental phenomena only, something which is all in your head, subject to change by analysis or mental understanding. This popular sense of psychological language views the demons of mental disturbance in a distinctly different category from matters of spirit or soul, which are left to religion. Psychology and religion, in this understanding, are divisible arenas of concern. When demons are placed in the category of psychology and mental disturbance, to be treated as an illness or psychic disease, distinct from the powers of spirit and religion, a dangerous premise has, I believe, been laid. For all the corresponding dangers of dealing with demonic powers from the language perspective of religion rather than psychology (these will be enumerated next), I think the risks remain less and the odds of success greater with the older terminology of religion. On these premises I choose to use the language of angels and demonology.

 

Although I choose religious language to speak of these phenomena, the languages of other disciplines may be recalled for clarification. In physiology the phenomenon which I name with the word angel might be referred to as a genetic inclination, a drive, or an instinct. Probably it is a message which more often comes from the right hemisphere of the brain than from the left.

 

Psychology may speak of the same phenomenon when it talks about the suppressed or repressed self. When a part of one's self is denied, that is, relegated into the unconscious mind, that part may still call out for activation in an urge, inclination, or voice. This voice from the unconscious mind, or as Jung might say, from the collective unconscious or shadowed self, may be what I call the voice of an angel. Unaccepted or unembraced elements of ourselves still call out for activation. These calls, in the language here, are from our angels.

 

Colloquial language may also be used to refer to angels. In everyday speech, these voices from our unembraced selves may be referred to in such expressions as: Something told me I should...; or, I just had this feeling..., Somehow I knew in my bones that..., My guts told me..., My heart cried out..., My inner voice tells me that... Writers may refer to angels as my muses. They may also be called my better judgment, or, my higher self.

 

In religious language, the choice here, an angel is a messenger from God. The theological premise is that the infinite is expressed in the finite; ultimate reality is revealed in us who are particulars in reality. Mankind is inherently of God. Humans are chips off divinity. The Divine is made known in the human. Unfortunately, in the process of socialization and our own acts of sin, we get separated from God. We lose our awareness of unity with God, of the godliness in humanity. Even though we are separated from our source, God still speaks to us. He sends messengers, which in religion we call angels.

 

No matter which language is used, physiological, psychological, colloquial, or religious, it is important to remember that the names are figures of speech, not figures in space. Whether we speak of a genetic drive, an unembraced self, a higher self, or an angel, in each language we create figures of speech to name a phenomenon which only exists in human experience, not in the objective world out there.

 

Angels come and go in the same sense as do hurricanes and hope. The arrival and departure of all three may be crucially important human experiences, but each remains a name for a particular type of phenomenon in human experience, not an entity. We can measure the effects of hurricanes, hope, and angels, but they are not things in the literal sense of the word. Each is a metaphor or figure of speech. Consequently, there is no point in asking where Betsy went when the winds died down, where you can go to find hope, or where angels live when they are not with you. Each such question is based on taking a figure of speech literally.


To avoid this confusion, remember that angel is a figure of speech for a significant human experience, a personification of real power, but it remains a mental symbol, a speech device, not an entity such as a ghost or an it with molecular structure. The voices or angels, being metaphorical, are not subject to recording or to being picked up by a sound detector.

 

Angels and demons are also to be distinguished from delusions, illusions, and hallucinations. These psychological phenomena--the first being a false belief, such as a delusion of grandeur; the second, a distorted perception, like a mirage; and the third, a false perception, for example, a voice from the wall or from Jesus--are each mental experiences, not in the category of angels. Unfortunately the two are often confused, for instance, when the voice of an angel is taken to be an auditory hallucination or even a delusion, each of which may be signs of mental illness. Our use of the name, angel, is different from each of these categories.

 

To summarize: the older terminology of religion is being utilized in this book, for reasons enumerated above, to deal with a subject more often confronted today with psychological language. To avoid confusion, remember that the personifications used here, primarily, angels and demons, are meant as figures of speech, never as objective entities, either tangible or intangible.

 




DEMONS CORRELATED

 

The phenomena in human experience named here as demons are viewed by others in a variety of ways. In this section several comparisons are given. I do not assume that the authors quoted would agree with my use of the term demons for their chosen subjects, only that in my study of their perspectives I think they are writing about the same phenomena amplified here.

 

PRINCE DEMONS

 

The Peter Pan Syndrome is a name given by Dr. Dan Kiley and others to what is here called the Bad Prince or Prince demons. Although he does not distinguish the positive attributes of the Prince role from the Prince demons, or between Martyr and Jerk, many of his descriptions compare with the Bad Prince demons.


I've worked with these men for many years. I've seen the Peter Pan Syndrome in its early stages and witnessed the destruction during middle age. As you might expect, it's tough to get the victims into meaningful psychotherapy. Their spirit is so flighty that I'm often tempted to close and bar all my office windows to prevent them from flying away. Indeed, if they had access to magical dust, they would soar away to a Never Never Land of their own making.

 Dan Kiley

 

The classic PETER PAN, by J.M Barrie (quoted by Dr. Kiley), beautifully illustrates many of the characteristics of the Prince demons. Barrie also combines in his Peter Pan the attributes of the good Prince and the demons--as we so commonly find in real life.

 

Captain Hook: "Have you another name?"

Peter Pan: "Ay, ay."

 Hook (thirstily): "Vegetable?"

 Peter: "No."

 Hook: "Mineral?"

 Peter: "No."

 Hook: "Animal?"

 Peter (after consultation with a friend): "Yes."

 Hook: "Man?

 Peter: (with scorn): "No."

 Hook: "Boy?"

 Peter: "Yes."

 Hook: "Ordinary boy?"

 Peter: "No!"

 Hook: "Wonderful boy?"

 Peter (to Wendy's distress): "Yes!"

 

Here the sense of specialness of one possessed by the Prince demons is expressed in this dramatic encounter between Captain Hook and Peter Pan.

 

Other parts of the tale illustrate the attachment of Peter to the Youth capacity of spontaneous fun and the denial of the Adult capacity of responsibility.

 

Peter: "Would you send me to school?"

 Mrs. Darling (obligingly): "Yes."

 Peter: "And then to an office?"

 Mrs. Darling: "I suppose so."

 Peter: "Soon I should be a man?"

 Mrs. Darling: "Very soon."

 Peter (passionately): "I don't want to go to school and learn solemn things. No one is going to catch me, lady, and make me a man. I want always to be a little boy and to have fun."

 

Peter: "I'm youth, I'm joy, I'm a little bird that has broken out of the egg."

 Wendy: "Ran away, why?"

 Peter: "Because I heard Father and Mother talking of what I was to be when I be came a man. I want always to be a little boy and have fun."

 

In these quotations the flighty nature and the trapped state of the person in the little boy role is beautifully noted. Kiley clearly describes other aspects of the Prince demons in his amplifications of what he calls the Peter Pan Syndrome. Here is the Jerk:

 

If they feel that you have wronged them, they can call upon instant rage to run you aground or skewer your heart with a promise and a lie. They'll cross into your territorial waters and take insult from your displeasure. Cross them a second time and they'll make your soul walk the plank. Then, after pillaging your trust and concern, they will sail off into the sunset pretending to have neither worry nor care.

 

In Jungian psychology descriptions of Puer and Puer Aeternus (eternal youth), are often a combination of the positive Prince role as well as the Bad Prince demons. Marie-Louise von Franz writes, of what is here called the Prince possessed by a Martyr demon, as follows:

 

...puer aeternus, the winged godlike imago..., the beautiful boy of the spirit--Icarus on the way to the sun, then plummeting with waxen wings; Phaethon driving the sun's chariot out of control, burning up the world; Bellerophon, ascending on his white winged horse, then falling onto the plains of wandering, limping ever after. These are the puer high climbers, the heaven stormers.

 

The healthy Prince is the high climber or the heaven stormer. He is constantly exploring limits. Icarus, Phaethon, and Bellerophon represent the Prince who is possessed by the Martyr demon.

 

Carl Jung spoke of the eternal child (our Prince role), as follows:

 

The 'eternal child' in man is an indescribable experience, an incongruity, a handicap, and divine prerogative...an imponderable that determines the ultimate worth or worthlessness of a personality.

 

von Franz further describes:

 

...the puer aeternus in the negative sense (our Martyr demon)...does not want to outgrow the mother problem; he does not want to outgrow his youth or his youthful stage, but the growth goes on all the same, until it destroys him; he is killed by the very factor in his soul through which he could have outgrown his problem.

 

...puer aeternus..is merely the archetype of the eternal-youth god, and therefore he has all the features of the god: he has a nostalgic longing for death; he thinks of himself as being something special; he is the one sensitive being among all the other tough sheep. He will have a problem with an aggressive, destructive shadow which he will not want to live and generally projects...

 

...myth of the mother complex...The male child tends to develop the features of the hero...who dies young and has a tendency to refuse life, especially with its dark side...he will probably--in modern times--become a pilot and crash, or go to the mountains and fall.

 

James Hillman, another Jungian analyst, describes the puer--our Prince demon, as follows:

 

Puer figures often have a special relationship with the Great Mother, who is in love with them as carriers of the spirit; incest with them inspires her--and them--to ecstatic excess and destruction...

 

The eternal spirit is sufficient unto itself and contains all possibilities...the puer is primordially perfect...This self-perfection, this aura of knowing all and needing nothing...There is therefore no need for relationship or woman, unless it be some magical puella or some mother-figure who can admiringly reflect and not disturb this exclusive hermaphroditic unity of oneself with one's archetypal essence. The feeling of distance and coldness, of impermanence, of Don Juan's ithyphallic sexuality, of homosexuality, can all be seen as derivatives of this privileged arthetypal connection with the spirit, which may burn with a blue and ideal fire but in a human relationship may show the icy penis and chilling seed of a satanic incubus.

 

...the 'son' here is that psychological (or physical) aspect which remains dependent on women for security, acceptance and nurture. The problem for the male is to free himself from fixation at the Oedipal stage or, in later life, from regressing to it...examples of the man freeing himself from the mother are offered in mythology...In one version of the myth of Cybele and Attis, the jealous, vengeful goddess induces delirium in Attis, the son-lover. In a frenzied state, Attis castrates himself and flings his dismembered testicles in the face of the mother goddess. This myth paints a very graphic picture of the necessary sacrifice of the son to make rebirth of the man possible. Once free of the possessive mother, a man is then able to enter into a mature relationship with a woman.

 

In his classic STEPPENWOLF, Hermon Hesse personifies many of the attributes of the Prince demon in the principal character, Harry. Hermine the courtesan tells Harry (Steppenwolf) about himself:


You have a picture of life within you, a faith, a challenge, and you were ready for deeds and sufferings and sacrifices, and then you became aware by degrees that the world asked no deeds and no sacrifices of you whatever, and that life is no poem of heroism with heroic parts to play and so on, but a comfortable room where people are quite content with eating and drinking, coffee and knitting, cards and wireless. And whoever wants more and has got it in him--the heroic and the beautiful, and the reverence for the great poets or for the saints--is a fool and a Don Quixote.

 

Snerl is the name given our Martyr demon by William Gass:

 

Some time ago there separated from the mass of men like cream in a bottle a group I have chosen to call (after consultation with Dr. Seuss) the Snerls. A snerl is a real or fancied aristocrat who repudiates his origins to play Papa to the masses. (There are a few Mama snerls now, but for a long time the group was almost exclusively male. This did not threaten its existence.) Not all snerls are literary men, though many are: Yeats reaching out through myth to the peasants; Tolstoy, as a young man, shutting himself in his room after witnessing the whipping of an erring coachman, and resolving, so he tells us, to change the world so he would not have to see such unpleasant things again; Mailer running for mayor; and Sartre's many games of principle and conscience, pronouncement and cancellation, where..the price is usually paid by others.

 

Charles Johnston, in CREATIVE IMPERATIVE, sees the Prince demons in the knights of old. Gawain and Lancelot are examples:

 

...the venerable legend of the Holy Grail...quest for the sacred vessel of life. When Gawain, one of the most illustrious knights, finally glimpsed the Grail, these were its shattering words to him: "You are attached to the glory of battle, and thus you cannot understand me, for I am the battle itself." To Lancelot, it said, "Your deeds, though great, have been done not for themselves, but that they could be seen by Guenevere. Thus you have missed that which all along has been in your deeds."

 

Annie Gottlieb calls our Jerk The Emotionally Draining Man:

 

...if you're married to one, believe me, you know it. You know it because you are always walking on eggshells, trying not to set him off. He is endlessly demanding of your attention. There is a crisis when you are 20 minutes late getting home or preoccupied for very long with something other than him. He takes everything personally. He is easily displeased and never satisfied for long....He keeps you jumping--and jumpy. You live on edge, afraid of doing something wrong...This man is exhausting...


A personal story written by a seven year old, shared with me when he was a client forty-three years later, beautifully speaks of one in the Prince role becoming possessed by the demons (his punctuation):

 

(a fairy tale) long long ago in a country. There lived little fairies. Once a little fairy boy was born. His name was Robin. He liked to dance under the trees. Robin was playing when a big lion came by and he jumped on his neck and rode. He went to sleep. He fell off of the lion. then He woke up. He ran to a rose. went to sleep. the mother fairy was looking all over for the fairy child. She found the boy in a rose. They went and danced some more and lived Happily everafter.

 

Once the healthy Prince (one playing the role well) falls off of the lion (comes to the place where the role does not work and gets possessed by the Bad Prince demons), the fantasy, all too often, is that happiness lies in re-union with a mother or mother-figure, rather than becoming responsible (Kingly) oneself.

 

Previously the politician, Gary Hart, was noted as illustrating the Hero/Martyr characteristics of the Prince demon.


...in 1972 Hart told the Washington Post, "I don't want to do the safe things. Just as challenge and insecurity frighten most people, security and safety frighten me. You miss too much. I'm a frustrated race-car driver." A friend of his amended that, "If you want to know the truth," this friend said, "Gary Hart would rather be Warren Beatty."


PRINCESS DEMONS

 

Literature is replete with examples of the healthy Princess role replaced by Princess demons. Guenevere, in the previously quoted CAMELOT, is often illustrative:

 

Shan't I have the normal life a maiden should?

 Shall I never be rescued in the wood?

 Shall two knights never tilt for me

 And let their blood be spilt for me?

 Oh, where are the simple joys of maidenhood?

 

Shall I not be on a pedestal,

 Worshipped and competed for?

 Not be carried off, or betterst'll,

 Cause a little war?

 

Where are the simple joys of maidenhood?

 

Note the Bitch:

 

Guenevere to Lancelot: "While I was napping, did I miss any improvements in Chivalry?

Lancelot: "No, Your Majesty..."

Guenevere: Milord! When you're arranging things with God tonight, do be sure and give us nice weather tomorrow.

Arthur: "Jenny, why do you persist in baiting the boy?

Quenevere: "Baiting? Not at all..."

 

Janda, in HOW TO LIVE WITH AN IMPERFECT PERSON, names the Bitch demon The Coquette Syndrome.

 

You've seen it happen at parties, at home, in the office, over lunch...the way some women change the minute a man starts to pay some attention. Deep, deep down, maybe you'll admit you change, too, because we still measure our worth as a woman by the amount of attention we get from men.

 

Coquettes tend to be dramatic in most of the things they say and do. They are never a "little irritated" by a thoughtless comment by a friend--they are "crushed by her bitchiness." (Note: a projection of their own Bitch demon) Others may be attracted initially by what seems to be her enthusiasm and refreshing honesty, but in fact, the coquette often doesn't experience the strong emotions and reactions she displays. It's part of a dramatic act--an act that she herself may be unaware of.

 

Erica Jong describes attributes of the Princess demons in her novel, PARACHUTES AND KISSES. Here is the Maid demon:

 

Again she felt a pang of demon doubt...from time to time the bourgeois demon of her childhood would come to haunt her, perching on her shoulder and calling her a bad girl, a bad mother, an irresponsible hedonist, a wild woman, a tramp, a trollop, a tart--predicting financial ruin, venereal disease--all the things that happen to bad girls who seduce and support younger men.

 

Ah--the absent male! How we women, three and thirty, five and fifty, long for him to come and make all things right!...the yearning for the Prince underlying all that random promiscuity. And who is that Prince? Daddy? For we know that no one will come and make the world all right. Princes are temporary...

 

At a time of Bitch possession:

 

"But you always seem to have money to indulge yourself," she snapped. Oh, why had she said this? She had promised herself to drop the issue, to let him be a wimp if he wished to be, to let him grow up or not...--not to assume the maternal role with him, not to fall into the trap of saying judgmental things.

 


FEMALE DEMONS

 

Animus possession in Jungian psychology is often used to name and describe the Witch demon. von Franz brilliantly discerns:

 

Animus possession in a woman annoys men madly; they go up in the air at once. But what really gets the man's goat is the undertone of lamenting reproachfulness. Men who know a little more about this know that eighty-five percent of animus possession in women is a disguised appeal for love, although unfortunately it has the wrong effect, since it chases away the thing that is wanted....It is a vicious circle and arguing develops into a typical animus scene. The ignored femininity which plays up in the woman's anger is something archetypal.

 

Her something archetypal is here named the Witch demon. She elaborates further about such possessed women:

 

One discovers that women love to be a little unclear, giving rise in that way to those marvelous witch muddles where nobody knows what is what any more...Women love to do the same thing with money, bringing about all the famous muddles which arise from that; it is always the witch shadow. So the process of becoming conscious for a women is that, within herself, she has to become clear about her...reactions and know where they are, instead of making a lot of muddles and half muddles.

 

The stinging remark constitutes the habitual aggressiveness of...the anima (Witch demon). Women do not bang doors or swear, but make some subtle, gentle, pointed remarks--the soft, wounding witch remark that hits right on the other person's soft spot.

 

Hillman notes the power of this demon personified in mythology as Thetis:

 

The overt cause of Achilles death is Apollo, but the spot hit is the heel, that place where Thetis held Achilles while dipping him into invulnerability. His ultimate cause of death was where she had touched and held him.

 

The Witch demon is indeed deadly. He refers to it as negative animus:

 

The negative animus of the woman is a lying spirit that shrinks from no distortion or perversion of the truth. It twists one's words in one's mouth, it strikes one with one's own weapons, it uses the truths of the adversary to argue against these same truths. In short, it is a trickster.

 

Ribi amplifies this Witchly tactic of distorting truth:

 

The animus has the ability to adapt to changing situations like a chameleon...truth is unimportant...Any tactic, any lie, any ostensibly coherent argument, any fallacious conclusion, any deceptive maneuver is all right...He (our Witch demon) entangles his enemies in word duels in which he cares only about rhetorical strategy; he is not interested, as he claims to be, in the truth, only in keeping the upper hand. In this respect, he has a strange irritating effect on a man, egging him on to opposition...The animus is looking for trouble...

 

He further notes the powerful lucidity of this state:

 

...an animus-ridden woman finds her state to be one of the utmost clarity and awareness...I have known several women who, as the very moment they were really being ridden by the animus, expressed the opinion, independently of one another, that they would never again see things with such clarity. In the state of possession by the animus, there is a sense of lucidity that strikes an outsider as unnatural and suspect.

 

von Franz also names the Witch negative mother archetype:

 

...in the language of Apuleius, ...the power of the dark Isis-Nemesis, of Isis in the form of a punitive, vengeful daimon.

 





THEOLOGICAL PERSPECTIVES

 

Although angels and demons are the primary subject in this study, an understanding of the theological perspective from which they are drawn may be useful. Angels are messengers from God.


God, to begin with, is to be understood as a language symbol for ultimate reality. Ultimate refers to the highest degree of our potential experience of reality, not to some separable part of reality which is greater or more powerful than all the rest. The latter idea is the more popular use of the term. In that perspective, God is understood as a super-powerful entity, the Ultimate King, reigning over all reality, which He created. In the perspective of this book, the reference is to a quality of being and encounter, indeed, the ultimate human experience in reality, not to an entity outside of ordinary reality.

 

As human beings we exist with the capacity for varying degrees of experience with reality. We can be deeply in touch with reality or relatively out of touch. We can be intimately in tune with all that is, or we may be out of it. We can experience reality at it actually is, or we can create illusions into which we escape from the real world. Between these two extremes, there are, of course, countless degrees of being more or less in touch with things as they are.

 

In the theological perspective underlying this book, God is a symbol for the ultimate in one's possible encounter with reality. God is the most that one can experience. Because the structure of our thought categories, and therefore the language which emerges from them, is based on the concepts of objects in space and time, we must create language objects in order to communicate. All sentences must have subjects; verbs commonly take objects. To think, write, or speak within our given language structures we must create subjects and objects.


God is one such concession to our language structure. The ultimate in human experience is personified--using one of the grammatical devices, as ultimate reality. To emphasize the quality of the personification, the letters are capitalized--Ultimate Reality, giving a more personal sense to the experience which we have made into a subject for language purposes. He--Ultimate Reality must also be given gender since all persons are categorized as male or female--becomes the subject for our sentences about our ultimate experiences in reality.

 

Within our language structure all subjects, God included, may be clarified with articles--a, an, or the--grammatical devices for showing whether the subject is indefinite or definite (a river is indefinite; the river is definite). Consequently, when we translate this ultimate in human experience into a subject, we must then deal with the problem of articles. Is God a God, or the God--that is, is He indefinite or definite. To show Him (feminists naturally prefer She) as ultimate, we reasonably choose the, implying definite one, rather than the indefinite a. Ultimate Reality must be the God, not simply a God, implying one among many. Otherwise, how could He/She be Ultimate?

 

These and other language problems cannot be avoided when we attempt to speak about ultimate experiences. For clarity's sake, it should remembered that this usage of the language devices of personification and capitalization for making a subject, which then requires gender and articles for definition, is a concession to the structure of our language.


The devices are not to be taken literally, as though God, or Ultimate Reality, is actually an object--even the greatest of all objects--in the universe. Certainly He, when one of the two genders must be chosen, does not mean that God is masculine rather than feminine, nor does the article the mean that He/She can literally be set apart and defined in contrast with a. The Ultimate Reality, for instance, does not mean that this particular God (made definite by the article, the) is distinguishable as bigger and better than merely a god.

 

To be literal, from this theological perspective, avoiding some of the problems which go with naming, we may say that God is a symbol for the ultimate in human experience, a grammatical device for speaking about the grandest of human possibilities. Another common title for God, Supreme Being, may be even clearer if we eliminate literalness in the personification. As humans we may be ourselves in many degrees; we may be minutely ourselves--a wee bit human, or more fully ourselves--considerably human. Our grandest possibility is to be supremely human. This ultimate possibility in human being is labeled, for thought and speech purposes, as the supreme in being. When the experience is personified, capitalized, and given the definitive article, we have the name, the Supreme Being.

 

Degrees of human being, beginning at the lesser end of the scale, start with single sense experiences--seeing a color, hearing a sound, or touching an object. These sensual experiences may be combined into the ultimate bodily experience of orgasm. Orgasm, the climax of making love, is the apex in sensual humanity. Humanity, however, is potentially more than sensuality only. We can make love, a human capacity shared with other members of the animal kingdom; but we also have the possibility of loving, an option which requires spirit as well as body.


This grander human possibility, which begins with sensing, moves toward expanding and merging sensations, possibly culminating in orgasm or making love, goes on to include the larger potential of loving spiritually as well as sensually. The being human, or ourselves, which begins with minimal sense experience, expands to include sexuality, and finally culminates in spirituality or supreme human being. This apex of all human potential we name, for language purposes, God, Ultimate Reality, or Supreme Being (the ultimate or supreme in human being).

 

The ultimate in reality implies, of course, its opposite, the ultimate in non-reality. Supreme Being, as a language construct, opens the thought door to the supreme in non-being. This is the other end of the scale of potential human experience. We can supremely be, or we can supremely not be. Evolution, including our enlarged brain, allows the gift of possibly knowing the ultimate in reality, but also the curse of being able to experience its opposite, supreme non-reality. We can be ultimately real, or supremely unreal. We can be completely in touch, or totally out of touch. We can live in harmony with reality-as-it-truly-is, or we can exist entirely in illusions of our own creation, on Cloud Nine, out to lunch, relatively out of touch with reality.

 

This latter human possibility also needs a name if we are to think or make sentences about it. Religious language gives us a title for the essence of the unreal. It is: Devil or Satan. As God is the ultimate in reality, the supreme in being, Devil is the ultimate in non-reality, the supreme in non-being. The same grammatical devices--making a subject, personification, capitalizing, and using the definite article, the--are utilized with the Devil as with God. This, obviously, is different from the popular understanding of the Devil as an evil entity in the universe.

 

Insofar as language is concerned, this usage of both God and Devil stand for qualities of human experience, not entities out there in the universe. Orgasm and depression, two other specific human possibilities, are comparable uses of language. Both are possible human events, not things in the world. Each is real, but neither is a literal thing which exists as an entity in the world. They are grammatical constructions to signify types of human experience. So, in this theological perspective, are God and the Devil. If Love is understood as the apex of human possibilities, an experience even grander than making love (having sex), then we may say that God, literally, is Love. Or, to state the events actively: Goding is loving, or, Loving is goding.

 

If the opposite human possibility, the extreme in non-loving, is known as hating, then we might say, comparably, that the Devil is Hate. To experience hate, in this understanding, is to go to the Devil. Unfortunately, hate, like love, has been largely reduced in popular understanding to merely a certain feeling. As such, the word cannot convey the awesomeness which the symbol, Devil, is intended here to imply. The popular understanding of depression comes closer. This is an extremely negative human experience which more clearly stands at the opposite extreme from love.

 

Existential language is perhaps better. The opposite of supreme being is supreme non-being. This ultimate in not-being- yourself is God's opposite. If God is understood as the ultimate in being, this meaning of the Devil is the ultimate in non-being.


In ordinary, everyday life we of course tend to fall, experientially, somewhere between these two grand extremes. Rarely do we know ultimate love or hate; seldom do we experience either supremely being ourselves or being ultimately not ourselves. Mostly we are somewhat real and somewhat unreal, partially in contact with reality, partly out of touch. We may like a little, but rarely do we love completely. Our neighbor's behavior may get on our nerves, but seldom do we truly hate. We get somewhat elated, perhaps even ecstatic in orgasm, or occasionally deflated or depressed, but hardly ever are we totally out of it.


These more familiar degrees of human experiences, if we are to speak about them, also need names. God and Devil are fine for the extremes, but more often we need language for the mid-range of experiences with reality and illusion. What shall we call it when we are inclined to love a little, or tempted to be somewhat hateful? How can we speak about our inclinations to become more of ourselves, or our familiar temptations to act like we are less than we truly are? Language is also needed for degrees of God and Devil.

 

For this middle range of possible human experiences the names, angels and demons may be useful. Thus, an angel is a messenger from God; a demon, an emissary from Devil. God, the supreme in being, is more often revealed to us through angels, the less-than-supreme possibilities of being. The Devil, essence of non-reality, supreme illusion, more commonly comes to us like an imp or demon, that is, a little devilish, but not totally evil. These lesser figures, the angels and demons which represent the varying degrees of the ultimate or supremely real or unreal, are the primary subjects of this book.

 

Heaven, or the kingdom of God, and Hell, the domain of the Devil, are understood in this theological perspective in the same figurative senses as the other four personifications--God and Devil, angels and demons. Following the grammatical device of personification, we are faced with the language necessity of placing the figures we have named. In our thought structure, everything's gotta be somewhere. Consequently, we also create geographical names in order to place the symbols we use. God lives in heaven; the Devil resides in hell. In a comparable language use, Santa Claus lives at the North Pole. The geography is no more to be taken literally as a site in the universe than is the name to be taken as applying to an actual person. Looking for God in the sky or the Devil at the center of the earth would reflect the same misunderstanding as going to the North Pole to visit Santa Claus.

 

Heaven is a spacial word for wherever a person happens to be when he experiences the ultimate in reality. When, for example, a person truly loves, then he is in heaven. Hell, conversely, is a similar use of language, giving us a symbol for locating our experiences at the other end of the scale of human possibilities. It is hellish to be depressed. To exist without any degree of love, to be completely uncaring, is, literally, to be in hell. We are in heaven, in this theological perspective, whenever we encounter God, and in hell when we experience his total absence.






DANGERS OF ANGEL/DEMON TALK

 

Productive use of this concept of angels and demons calls for attention to two major dangers, with two variations of each. The dangers emerge when one forgets that angels and demons are figures of speech, not figures in space.

 

Literalism is the first major danger. Forgetting this metaphorical use of the language, one faces the risk of perceiving angels and demons as literal entities in time and space, super-natural beings which inhabit the universe like religious spooks or ghosts. Belief and disbelief are the two variations of this danger. Once angels and demons are conceived to be literal entities rather than figures of speech, one faces the choice of either accepting them as real, of believing in them, or of rejecting the idea, becoming a disbeliever.


Belief in angels and demons as supernatural beings leads to irrationality, the necessity of ignoring reason and sense in order to maintain one's beliefs. Since their existence is not subject to verification by our ordinary senses or by accepted scientific methods of proof, such belief requires the suspension of rationality, the left brain type of thinking.

 

In avoiding this danger, one may easily fall into the opposite, and personally disastrous, trap of excessive rationality. In concluding that there is no such thing as an angel or demon, one who confuses metaphor with reality is left with disbelief as his only option. Such logical disbelief (we may call it a-angelism or a-demonism, as forms of a-theism) requires ignoring the abundant evidence, probably from the right brain, which we all have for these powerful forces.

 

Such disbelievers sacrifice, in effect, their right brain capacities on the altar of rationality, while believers give up left brain abilities in order to maintain their beliefs. The all-too-familiar results are the impotence of liberalism and the omnipotence of conservatism. When left brained logic is not supported with the power of the right brain, one is left with only the frailty of reason. On the other hand, when the blind power of the right is not balanced by the reason of the left, exaggerated notions of personal power inevitably follow.

 

Literalism, the first major danger, commonly leads to a second problem with location. Since everything's gotta be somewhere, once angels and demons are taken literally, either in belief or disbelief, they must be placed in a location. The nature of our thought system, and therefore our language, is based on the interrelated concepts of things in space and time. Once we conceive a thing, it follows that it must be placed somewhere in space, thence to be subject to time measurement also. The space dimension, required for all things, is the problem we face here. Where are we to place the angels and demons we have created by belief, or denied by disbelief?

 

Two psychic devices, projection and introjection, are the dangerous solutions commonly taken. With projection the powers of angels and demons are conceived to be out there, outside of ourselves, in places or in other persons. Sometimes angels are imagined to be in geographical locations like Lourdes, France, where pilgrims have traditionally gone to seek their powers for physical healing. More secularly oriented pilgrims, who disbelieve in the appearance of angels at such religious sites, often seek similar healing powers for the spirit as well as body by going West, traditionally to California. Demons may be imagined to exist in haunted houses or even down below, in some type of fiery place in the center of the earth.

 

Such projections of the powers of angels onto persons out there are common in popular religion, as seen in the empowering of priests, preachers, and charismatic religious leaders. Once the projections are made, believers who make them are then attracted to these angel-like persons in search of the powers to which they have lost access.

 

Secular projections are equally evident in romance and occultism. In romantic love one commonly views the lover as an angel with superhuman powers to make the projecting one happy. Even when conscious views are contrary, lovers still tend to relate to each other as though the other person possesses these angelic powers needed for good living. Such males, for example, may think, She's truly an angel who makes me happy whenever I am with her.

 

In occultism, angelic powers are projected onto a person conceived to be a medium or mediator of these divine abilities. Fortune tellers, astrologers, hypnotists, palm readers, horoscope writers, and various others conceived to possess such irrational powers are examples of the projection of angelic powers.

 

Demonic powers, when taken literally, are commonly projected onto other people as well as places. Such persons are then judged to be bad or evil, the cause of our problems. Even when these projections are unconsciously made, we easily fall into the error of trying to relieve ourselves of destructive powers by getting away from the person or persons (often a whole race) we have taken to be the bearers of our own demons.

 

Introjection is the second psychic device for placing angels and demons--that is, in here rather than out there. When the entities, taken to be literal rather than metaphorical, are introjected (usually unconsciously), then one believes he owns these powers. They are his. Instead of perceiving them as coming to him, metaphorically speaking, as would be true with a correct understanding of these figures of speech, the introjector lives as though, even when his conscious beliefs are different, the powers of the angels, for example, belong to him.

 

The religious form of such introjection is familiar in priests, preachers, and self-righteous do-gooders who truly believe they have the answers for what other people should do and be. Secular introjectors may be recognized in those who become authorities unto themselves. Because they own their angels, they don't need any guidance from others. Often rebellious against any rules or laws, they may become busy-bodies, self-authoritative advisors, dream interpreters, mediums, or self-help book writers--in the language of this book, possessed by certain of our common demons.


Whether religious or secular, those who introject their angels make gods of themselves. Variations of the selves made into a god include the Freudian subdivisions of self into super-ego, ego, and id. Some make a god of their own super-ego. They live as though they can actually let their conscience be their guide, that is, be wisely directed by this introjected voice of parents and society. Others turn their self-constructed egos into gods, believing that their egotistical selves contain the wisdom required for living well. Since ego is often a residing place of demons, these self-centered persons commonly end up directed by their own resident demons.


Id, the third element of the Freudian self, may also be transformed into a god by those who introject angels. When this happens, one's natural desires substitute for the angels. I want... becomes the godlike guide for all living.

 

When persons identify themselves with the right or left hemispheres of the brain, as is common with females and males, these hemispheres may become the selves who are mistaken to be the voices of angels. Those identified with their right brains commonly confuse intuition or feelings with angels. With their right brains as their selves, they may make gut feelings their gods. Since the right brain is also identified with the unconscious mind, these persons end up dictated in action by their unconscious thinking. Their heredity and early personal experiences become the gods which direct their lives. They replace the angels with the contents of their own right brains, mistakenly believing their feelings to be the only messengers from God.

 

Those who identify themselves with their left brains, more commonly males, tend to make the opposite error of confusing their own reasoning with the voices of angels. Introjecting their angels and installing them in their own left brains, they often make sense their direction for life. The only accepted guide for action becomes their answer to the question: Does it make sense? Logic, as they conceive it, rules supreme.


Unwittingly, most often, they identify self with left brain, then locate their introjected angels therein. Since the left brain is more often related to consciousness, such persons tend to elevate conscious thought to an exalted position, as though it is the only kind of thinking to be counted. Inevitably they discredit unconscious information. If right-brainers confuse their feelings (intuitions or unconscious inclinations) with angels, left-brainers mistake their sense (reasoning and conscious notions) with the voice of God.

 

In common, those who introject the powers of angels, mistakenly conceiving them to be theirs, and those who project, believing the powers to be outside themselves in places or other persons, have fallen for the dangers of locating these figures of speech taken to be literal entities. That these locations are done unconsciously, often cloaked with conscious notions to the contrary, does not negate the risks taken by those who forget that angels and demons are figures of speech.

 

Those who project angelic powers out there commonly fall into a false state of dependency on those places or persons who have been selected as the repositories of them. Lovers, for example, who project angelic powers onto each other, become notoriously dependent on each other for their own well being. Those who introject usually fall into a false state of independence. They don't need anybody, or so they think and try to live.

 

Projection is the common error of believers. In their false state of dependency they must go, self-denyingly, to the selected place or person for contact with the angels which would otherwise come to them. Introjection is often the corresponding error of disbelievers. Lacking the humility of those who understand the metaphor, they self-righteously go to themselves for the angels they live as though they possess. Their self may be identified with a super-ego, ego, id, right brain, left brain, or some combination thereof. Whatever the conceived nature of their selves may be, these disbelievers in external angels commonly fall for the opposite error of turning toward their own selves as a substitute for the voice of God.

 

Irresponsibility is an equally common danger for those believers in demons who project their power out there. If, as Flip Wilson popularized the joke, The devil made me do it, then the demons get the blame while I remain essentially innocent. This indeed is a real joke, which is on us who project our demonic powers out there. Even when the demon entities are introjected rather than projected, irresponsibility remains a danger. When destructive forces are perceived within, commonly constructive powers are assumed to be without--that is, in other persons. If I have such introjected demons, someone, such as a priest or an anthropomorphic god, should be able to exorcise them for me. Massive human efforts have been (and still are) expended, based on this irresponsible stance, trying to get some godlike figure to do our own homework for us. Irresponsibly we seek exorcism by priests or psychiatrists on whom we have projected our own angelic powers.

 

Summarizing the dangers, the general point is that all voices are not the voices of angels, that is, the real which is yet to be accepted. Though the voices of angels may be heard through all outside places and persons, as well as all inside feelings and thoughts, none of these, in this understanding, is related to properly when taken to be a literal angel. Literalism, whether the type of the believer or the disbeliever, resulting in the necessity of location, either by projection or introjection, always interferes with hearing the true voices of angels. All angels, in reality, are figures of speech representing real elements of ourselves not yet embraced.

 

The demons, the unreal which is accepted as real, also have their voices. Often we humans get so out of contact with reality that we only hear the voices of our imagined literal angels, either projected or introjected, or those of the demons we have installed in the place where the angels might be. This is indeed a dangerous state of non-existence.

 



COMPLICATIONS IN RELATIONSHIPS

 

The reality of the unconscious mind--levels of conscious awareness, brings complications to understanding capacities and roles, especially in regard to relationships. Because we are more than we consciously think we are, the ways we act in the world often evade our awareness. We may think ourselves to be functioning in one role, try to get others to see us accordingly, and yet actually be living in an opposite way.


For example, one may think of himself a King, act like a King, and attempt to make others see him accordingly. At the same time, the Kingly acting person may unconsciously believe himself to be a Prince. This role, which he himself does not recognize, may emerge in his actions far more evidently than the Kingly stance he tries to portray. Other persons, not blinded by his unconsciousness, may easily see the opposite role which he tries to deny.

 

 



RELATIONAL DIFFICULTIES

 

These general attractions between the roles are complicated by the differing identities. Since the outward roles (Acts) are usually cloaks for inward Identities (hearts), we seldom have the luxury of relating to only a single role. In relating to a person, we encounter his or her hidden, usually unconscious, Identity, as well as overt Act or stance-in-the-world. We meet and deal with their heart and their act, not one or the other.

 

For example, as noted above, the outward King usually cloaks a boy-Prince in his heart. If you relate to such a person, you must deal with both the outward stance and the inward Identity also. Even though the King attempts to conceal his Prince to others, even to himself, this unconscious role is still present in a relationship. In a marriage, for instance, the wife has to live with both the King and the hidden Prince. Just at a time when Kingliness is called for, the Prince may appear, looking for a Queen to mother him.

 

Or an acting Queen, cloaking a Princess-at-heart, may unconsciously flaunt her Princess, unknown to herself. While thinking she is being a responsible Queen, the preening Princess (her hidden Identity) may be operative in the relationship. Her husband has no choice but to relate to both.

 

Although generalizations are difficult here, the following happenings are common. Because conscious relationships are first based on outside Acts--the way the other person appears, the emergence of an unconscious Identity is normally threatening to both the person so identified and the other in the relationship. A Queen, for instance, who thinks she has married a King, is likely to be upset when his Prince emerges at an inopportune time--which is most of the time. If the King is consciously trapped in his stance, the appearance of the little boy within may be disturbing to him also. She does not want to be married to a boy; he does not want to confront his Princeliness. Thus the emergence of his heart is likely to become a threat in the relationship.

 

When the demons associated with one's identified role emerge, the conflict is even more threatening. For example, when the Queen's negative Princess (i.e., the complaining Bitch) comes out, as when the Queen tires of nurturing, this role may thoroughly threaten the King who actually needs a Queen at the time, certainly not a bitchy little girl to take care of. The Bitch may also threaten the person-as-Queen who has consciously identified with her nurturing role, repressing the capricious Princess within herself.

 

When one's self-identified role, the heart, is deeply unconscious and strongly repressed, relating becomes even more complicated. The war within the individual--the denial of one's heart at the same time his heart is crying out for recognition--will likely be projected on the other person in the relationship. Such a person will unwittingly want, often expect and demand, that the other person accept the very heart he has unconsciously rejected. If he thinks he is a King he will want the other person to accept and relate to his Prince even while he is denying the presence of the Prince.


If she thinks she is a Queen she will require the other person to treat her as a Princess, all the while she is pretending to be a Queen. This was the positive Guenevere in Camelot. Though officially a Queen, she remained identified as Princess and required that Arthur treat her accordingly, even when he needed a Queen.

 

Ambivalence is a third predictable consequence of conflicting roles and identities in a relationship. Whereas the unconscious Prince (the identity of the King), is drawn to the Queen who he hopes will take care of him, he is at the same time repelled by any overt Queenliness because he deeply wants to grow up and be a King instead of only acting like one. Her mothering, though desirable, is at the same time threatening to the Prince's growth process. He both wants and doesn't want her to mother him--and is consequentially an extremely difficult person to live with.

 

The unconscious Princess, looking for a King to save her, will both be drawn to the power of a King, and also resent it. Ambivalently, she both wants to be rescued and, at the same time, to grow up and save herself. Needing to embrace her own Kingliness, she marries one instead, then tries to cut him down rather than face the challenges of embracing what he represents for her.

 

Thus the strongest of repulsions are often buried in the most powerful attractions. When we seek in others what we have failed to embrace within ourselves, we rejoice at the discovery of our shadows, but are later repulsed when they threaten our growth--the fuller becoming of ourselves.

 

Another predictable result is, unfortunately, the common dissolution of such an established relationship when either person does begin to grow, to embrace his or her own shadow. It often turns out that the glue called love which held them together was only the power of their attracting complementariness. When a King embraces his own Prince he no longer needs the Queen to take care of the little boy. When a Queen embraces her Princess, the rescuing King is no longer needed. Often, at this point, they part.




SEXUALITY: ANGELS AND DEMONS

 

Because sexuality is a major element in humanity which is commonly repressed in our society, particular attention to its relationship to angels and demons may be useful. Each of the angels represent a particular aspect of human sexuality which either has not yet been embraced, or has been systematically denied--suppressed into unconsciousness. All of these aspects of sexuality are potentially present in every human being.

 

When any one of these elements of sexuality is not activated in an individual, then the corresponding demons can be anticipated. In this section a brief description of the sexual components of each angel and its replacing demons is given.

 

Sexuality is meant here in its limited definition of sexual intercourse, either for procreation or pleasure. It stands for courtship, the related acts of preparation, and copulation, the event of doing it, commonly known as fucking. For clarity's sake, some of the most familiar colloquial words and expressions are used in description. Unfortunately, socially acceptable and established words are either scarce, unfamiliar, or non-existent for many of the aspects of human sexuality.

 

YOUTH

 

The Youth angel represents the most elemental component of sexuality, namely, the spontaneous urge, curiosity, and interest in things sexual. This angel stands for the instinct to be sexual, the inherited drive toward reproduction, including the attraction to pleasure, which is usually sexual in its most primal form, plus the urge to procreate. The call of this angel is to undifferentiated sexuality, that is, pure sexual pleasure--omnisexual, neither homosexual nor heterosexual.


Specifically, the Youth angel's voice may first be perceived as curiosity about the genitals or where babies come from. It inclines one to experience the pleasures of playing with oneself, that is, touching genitals in pleasing ways, later to be known as masturbation. Awareness of this angel's presence is often unrelated to anything overtly sexual. It may simply come as the urge to seek pleasure, to have fun, to play. There is no shame or guilt in the innocence of the Youth angel's invitation to activate the primal human capacity to be a sexual creature in any of its diverse forms. Even social prohibitions on incest are cloaks on the purity of this angel's natural inclinations. The best overall description of the Youth angel's call as related to sexuality is spontaneous physical pleasure. Freud's word id may also represent the sexual component of this angel.

 

ADULT

 

As the Youth angel stands for spontaneous sexuality, the Adult angel brings the element of responsibility to the sex act.

The Youth knows about pleasure, the inclination to be sexual, regardless; the Adult angel knows about pregnancy and social structures, the consequences of copulation. If sponding to urges is the domain of Youth, being re-sponsible for them is the invitation of Adult.

 

This angel calls one to look beyond the moment; to the seeing of now, he invites looking down the road also. What will happen if? What will tomorrow bring? Sure, it feels good now, but how will it feel later? If I do, what can I expect? If I don't, so what? To the nowness of Youth, the Adult brings memory and imagination, information from the past and speculation about the future--a re-sponding which is resplendent with pre and post-sponds. Without escaping the present moment, this angel calls for fulfilling time. To the here-and-now, he adds the there-and-later.


Reality, of course, for us humans, includes both. The fulfilled sexual event is a merging of the spontaneous and the planned. Good sex includes each. The Youth angel calls you to be sexual; the Adult, to be responsibly sexual.

 

MALE

 

On paper we come to the capacities of Gender after those of Age; in reality they appear concomitantly. Imagine then, that this amplification of Maleness were being read at the same time as the section on Youth--as, in fact, they occur.

 

Phallus, the male sex organ, erect penis, is both the finest form and symbol for the Male angel in regard to the human capacity for sexuality. Colloquial language is even better: a hard on. The Male angel calls, on the sexual level, for lusting, for getting a hard on. Beyond overt sexuality, his invitation is a reversal of the words, that is, to come on hard or firmly, but that is later. At the primal level, the hardening penis is the result of responding to this angel's appeal--the coming of the hard on.

 

Biologically, the erect phallus is necessary for the penetration which leads to orgasm, with impregnation and reproduction as the final goal. Meanwhile the more temporal goal of personal pleasure is the call of the merged Youth and Male angels. Possess, penetrate, and climax, are the three immediate directives of this angel with the extended message to perpetuate the species.

 

Socially speaking, the primary implications are: Get a girl (a female, preferably with reproductive capacities), get her in bed (in position for intercourse), and do it (spread sperm). Countless other messages are implied, related to courtship, possession, social acceptance, and repeat performances, but these three are primary.


At the elemental level, this angel may be recognized as a beast, a wild man, an uncivilized creature who, conscienceless, calls for sex regardless. He wants to do it. Period. Any time, any place, with any person, animal, or thing. Have sex, is the central and continual message of this angel symbolized and evidenced by the erect phallus. Erotic desire, untainted by social or religious judgments or restraints, is his theme. The I want what I want when I want it, which, in the Youth angel is diffused on pleasure in general, is focused in the Male angel on sexuality in particular. Overt power, the previously discussed overriding characteristic of masculinity, is personified in the penis. Hardness is shaped for penetration, which is at the heart of this angel's urge.

 

The sun, or light, is another primary symbol for the Male angel. In regard to sexuality, he invites coming into the light--visible passion. He wants to be open about sex. As the penis is exposed and visible--in the light, so this angel's appeal is to lightedness for the event. Will you or won't you?, he asks, in his initiating effort toward openness. Talk, a means for verbal openness, is predictable. Those who embrace this angel enjoy not only the experience of sexuality, but also talking about it--before, during, and afterward.

 

FEMALE

 

Vagina and womb, internal genitals of woman, are likewise the best form and symbol for the primal calls of the Female angel. The folds and refolds, softly hiding the dark, gaping cavern, heighten her invitation to receive, to take in, to engulf. If we coin a parallel colloquialism for the Male's hard on, this angel calls one to a soft on--that is, to the opposite but complementary mode of being. The Male angel invites a hard on in preparation for penetration; the Female angel invites a soft on in preparation for reception.

 

He is the giver; she, the receiver. Together they make wholeness, reproducing themselves. If his secondary symbol is the sun, or light, hers is the earth, or dark. As the penis is visible, the vagina is hidden. This angel, of darkness, calls one to keep things in the dark. To his Will you or won't you?, she replies, Maybe I will; maybe I won't. True to his visibility, he wants the lights on, even mirrors, and talk; true to invisibility, she wants the dark on, no mirrors or talk--just the fullness of the event.

 

Biologically, the soft vagina is essential for reception which leads to impregnation and reproduction. Taken symbolically, this physical softness is socially formed into the Female social stance which is also soft and receptive. The Male angel's call is to hard, active pursuit; this angel calls one to soft, passive invitation. He leads one to take a good look, to get things into the light; she tells one to look good, but to keep things in the dark. Only when things light and things dark are merged, each without loss of its essential integrity, can the parallel angels of Gender experience the fullness of the sexuality they bear.

 

Covert power, the overriding feminine capacity, is matched, in regard to sexuality, with the overt power invited by the Male angel. Though hidden, rather than openly in the light, the wildness which the Female angel elicits is no less bestial than that of the Male. Her call is to a wantonness which, while less obvious to the eye, is equally passionate and evident to the touch. Like his, her desire is without conscience, yearning from the darkness toward any appealing source for filling the powerful void.

 

PRINCE

 

The Prince, being both Male and Youth, is the sexual explorer. Creatively, like Youth, and overtly, as Male, the Prince angel calls one to be curiously playful about matters which hint of the sensual. He urges one to take a good look, then to reach out, to extend (as a forerunner for the erect phallus), and to touch.

 

All the arts of overt seduction--engaging and pleasing the sexual partner, are within the domain of the Prince. He specializes in romance.

 

PRINCESS

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