LIVING WITH WOMEN
 

ARGUING


You can never win an argument with a women


Not that reasons are irrelevant, but men who are given to comfort-through-understanding, may take note of these observations:

Typical male understanding of this conventional wisdom lies in what we may call (among ourselves, of course) "pussy power"–that is, a woman's ability to withhold her sexual favors whenever she is displeased, as, for instance, when she loses a verbal argument. Then because we most commonly hate losing sex even more than losing arguments, we may deeply feel personally defeated, even if we think we win an argument.

But there are, I think, many other deeper reasons why women consistently win arguments with men, even sooner rather than later–that is, in the heat of an encounter, even before the cold of a bedroom. Among them are:


WORDS AND HEART


Males commonly identify ourselves with our words ("A man's word is his bond"), which females do the same with their heart (feelings, emotions, or non-verbal selves). In practice, each gender then comes to a verbal argument with significant differences in how we value and respond to words, the vehicles of communication. Females, heart identified, always have the advantage of freedoms with words, which word-identified males rarely achieve.

Because feelings are her forte, the source of her deeper self-identification and thus her personal powers, a woman may use words (and reasons) as long as they are working to her advantage; but at any point in an argument when she seems to be losing a war-of-words, she may freely drop language and switch to feelings as her mode of exchange–a freedom males seldom acquire.

Then, when powerful emotions are pitted against relatively weak reasons (words formed into "sense"), the outcome is predictably slanted in woman's favor. A man's words, for example, as every man must know, are never a match for a woman's tears. And so with her anger, passion, and every other emotions in her arsenal of powers.

Also, not being self-identified with verbal success, as we males typically are, a woman always has the additional freedom of being able to drop or stop an argument at any time without–and this is the critical point, personally losing. With a show of niceness she can, for instance, at any point, especially when she is losing a verbal battle, politely withdraw, saying, e.g., "Well, have it your way," or, "I can see you're getting angry; let's just drop the subject."

No matter how fiercely a verbal game becomes, she always holds this trump card, which rarely appears in a man's hand.


THINKING

Expansive versus focused thinking


Another female advantage is inherent in the different ways men and women typically "think"–that is, identify with and thus use our inherited mental capacities.

In an overall perspective, men typically are "left-brain" thinkers in contrast with women who tend to be "whole brain" thinkers. Men typically major on using and identifying our sense-of-self with a small portion of left hemisphere functions (Broca's Area) which enables speech, that is, symbolism, words, concepts, ideas, reasons, and "sense making."

At the same time we begin early to suppress right hemisphere functions, such as, mediator of deep brain genetic emotions ("feeling capacities"), because they easily interfere, even undermine, "logical thinking."

End result of this complicated process leaves us males good at "focused thinking" (as in, aiming at game for food or any other of our multiple goals), much like a train on one track headed toward a single destination. Females may properly see us as having "one track minds," and at the same time limited in "getting the big picture."

Meanwhile, typical females begin early to embrace, develop, and utilize both hemispheres of the brain. Commonly, for example, they "learn to talk" earlier than boys, and continue to develop this aspect of verbal skills (rooted in left brain), and at the same time to develop the "emotional" half of the brain also. Consequently, they are better at "using their whole minds (both brain hemispheres) in coping with worldly matters.

In addition they have, over the long haul of evolution, developed larger connective tissues (Corpus callosums) between each half of the brain.

End result: Typically, females can think quicker, compute more data in shorter time, as well as view the larger picture with less distraction by less relevant details, than can left-brain-oriented men. What they lose in focused, emotion-less ability to "remain on a subject (one track)" they gain in advantages of comprehensive analysis and decision making based on a wider range of variables.

They can, unfortunately, and to our chagrin once we recognize the fact, easily "think circles around" our "one track" minds.

As related to cross gender arguments, these facts reflect female ability to quickly "out-reason" males limited to sense-making only, by bringing in a wealth of data from outside the limited domains of logic. Not stuck with train track thinking only, they can freely bring seemingly unrelated subjects into an argument–or even change the subject completely if they seem to be losing, or simply tire of this male type fighting.


WORD FREEDOMS


Word freedoms for females, much to the consternation of males, include not only freedom from strict rules of verbal logic (e.g., either/or), but even extend to freedom to change (or ignore) male-accepted, dictionary definitions of words. For example, females are typically able to say, "I'll meet you at 8 o'clock (meaning a definite time to males)," when they actually mean, "...if I happen to be ready at that time." Or, a woman may say, "Turn right" to a male driver, when she actually means left (by dictionary definitions) without even feeling wrong in what she said ("Oh, you should know what I mean!).


CONCLUSION


For these and other reasons men who venture into arguments with women do so at their own risk. Statistically speaking, odds of winning, even of coming out without damaging the relationship, let alone, helping at the moment, are, I conclude, infinitesimally  small.


Fortunately, other options are always open.


Artfully avoiding verbal arguments which one is more likely to lose than win (and to pay for eventually, even if a man wins at the time) is not to be confused with "giving in," "being run over," "losing face," "raising ass," "being a coward", or in any way tilting the power balance in woman's favor. Indeed it aims at least toward preventing loss of personal power, and at best with maintaining a workable balance at a time when male loss is often predictable.


If not to argue, what to do?


–Do nothing, literally. At many other points in a successful relationship the best advice is: "Don't just stand there; do something." But here the reverse is often the wiser option: "Don't just do something; stand there."

"Standing there" means, first of all: stay present; don't run away, either physically or emotionally. Remain fully alert, present in the fullest sense of the word, in the company of a spouse who is openly disagreeable at the time. While avoiding slipping into an argument, also avoid slipping away as a person in the immediate vicinity of a spouse who is presently "standing up," even, perhaps, "losing it."

Bite your tongue; seal your lips; remain silent; but, and this is the crucial point: stay spiritually as well as physically present, on your own Green Spot, with your mouth shut but your heart open. Don't even look away, let alone run away or withdraw emotionally.


Communicate non-verbally. "Keeping your mouth shut" doesn't mean "stop communicating"; in fact, real co-munication is perhaps more important at these critical junctures than at other peaceful times in a relationship. Only now, the focus shifts from verbal to non-verbal, from mouth to body.

Essential messages to be conveyed without words include these:

"Say" non-verbally: "I love you anyway." "Sure, you have emerging disagreements, even, perhaps, demons, but they can't drive me away." "I'm still here, with you, even while you're upset with me or having a hard time."

"I realize that you may....feel overwhelmed, not know what to do, need to blame me, wish you had never married me, would like to run away, even die..." or whatever; but I'm strong enough to stand here with you as you hurt."

"You are free to project on me, believe I am causing your difficulty, think I can help by changing my ways (if only I would), and that's okay. I'm still here."

"No, I won't fall for your projections; I won't take it on, as though your problems are truly mine; nor will I blame myself for 'making you unhappy.'"

All these "sayings" are best communicated with your eyes, looks, and expressions, perhaps your hands and arms (if touch seems possible without inviting rejection), the warmth and openness of your body, and maybe certain actions on rare occasions. For example, if she is crying, without words a husband might move toward her with an empathetic hug or soft hand grasp. If she has retreated into a silent funk, an understanding husband might quietly lie beside here for a time.


Sometimes carefully chosen words may be added in support of mainly non-verbal communication, but always with sharp attention to their effects. For example, as icing on the cake of "standing present," one might softly say, "I hear you," or, "I'm still here." Or, "I love you anyway." Or, "I hurt too, seeing you so overwhelmed."

But with words, be careful not to "turn professional," existing as an empathetic husband, with such stock responses as, "I can tell you're upset," or, "This must be hard for you," etc., unwittingly placing an emotional gulf between you.


Sometimes females become verbally and/or physically abusive when their repressed demons arise. When so, it becomes even more relevant for an accepting male to carefully remain present without "fighting back," playing Tit For Tat, or otherwise compounding the revelations with violence of his own.

Instead, while protecting himself from actual physical harm (e.g., refusing to be battered by moving away or placing his arms around a flailing wife to prevent personal harm), he might continue so silently "say" by his presence: "I'm with you."


SUMMARY


Never engage in verbal arguments with women. You are predestined to lose in time if not immediately, due to your own limitation to left brain logic (sequential reasoning) and woman's freedom to abandon logic at any point, e.g., where her skillful rationalizing begins to fail, or for any other reason she tires of limiting her input to verbal sense apart from innately more powerful emotional responses.

Even when a man temporarily wins or makes a point which defeats a woman's argument, he faces ultimate loss when/if she opts to play her trump cards of personal and/or sexual withdrawal in the relationship.


Stand strong with a woman, plus up to when necessary to keep power balanced, but carefully avoid arguments and/or "raising ass." In either case you lose in the long run, even if you win at the time.

With arguing by rules of male-type logic, you may temporarily win a battle, but you will predictably lose the war, because females hold innate advantages of freedom from the dictates of making sense, plus the capacity for giving in without losing--options seldom embraced by men.

When you become defensive and unwittingly "raise ass," you present an almost irresistible temptation to resurrection of repressed female urges for destruction of all opposition to whatever of whomever stands in the way of getting what they want. While yet unblessed with the gift of conscious reasoning, they may all too easily "bite the hand that feeds them" and kick at ones they love when presented with temptingly raised posteriors--as defensiveness unwittingly does.

Above all, avoid playing any of your only three trump cards, namely, physical strength, threat of abandonment, and logical thinking. Certainly, either may work in a moment of conflict. Your larger muscles make bodily abuse possible; ever-present natural urges for living without fences may easily tempt you to threaten her security by running away from home (or even pretending to); and forced reasonableness is a brief challenge to emerging emotions.

Temporarily then, she may cow-tow to you in the face of immediate dangers to her personal well being; but her own dark powers of greater tolerance for physical pain, sleeping alone at night and/or holding cold shoulders (not to mention an elephant-like capacity for never forgetting a prior offense), and overcoming even the best of reasoning with the least of emotions, will likely out-do you in time, forcing you to apologize and come creeping back on hands and knees, if not done in as a man.

In emergencies you may use your strength to briefly contain physical outbursts, as by holding her arms and body to prevent harm to yourself; but even then, carefully avoid hurting her, as the long range consequences to the relationship are apt to be excessive.


Whenever possible, avoid getting defensive, as this invites defeat, as in "raising ass," implying weakness


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