LIVING WITH WOMEN
 

BECOMING YOURSELF


SATISFACTION


Genes plus a bit of practice

and of course sacrificed balls

and swallowed pride

are all that is required for biological satisfaction

in the inherited male role of servicing females

with an occasional sperm and lots of security

otherwise known as:

"keeping the little woman happy"


But for greater happiness

faith is required for moving on

to personhood past gender alone

to owning, that is, the other 44 chromosomes

in each and every cell

otherwise known as becoming whole

and meeting God in this potential

Garden Of Pleasure here


********


ADVICE


Give 90% or your attention to growing up yourself, and 10% to improving your relationship--that is, trying to initiate changes. "Growing up" typically involves un-repressing natural male capacities and learning to integrate them functionally in society and your relationships with women. Other terms for the same process include: "becoming your fuller self," "working out your own salvation," "confronting your own problems," and "accepting responsibility for your own well being."

This guideline is contrary to common male attention which is more like this:


-- 60% of energy given to bemoaning present status of a relationship--that is, regret, disappointment, complaining (mostly to other men), and/or feeling sorry for oneself while doing nothing about the facts.


-- 25% to blaming a woman, trying to change her (or hoping she will on her own), or wishing it were so.


-- 10% to seeking satisfaction outside the relationship, e.g., in outside activities such as, business, sports, hunting, male friendships, or other female relationships, including affairs (emotional if not physical).


-- 5% to growing up oneself (self improvement).


Probably the most difficult part of learning to live well with a woman is reversing these overall priorities--that is, changing the last common 5% (or variations on the numbers) to the recommended guideline of 90% of attention to growing up oneself, and 10% to "working on" the relationship. When I am sometimes able to follow my own rules, I find the positive results to be roughly in the same proportions.

Stated negatively: Quit blaming your "problems (dissatisfactions)" on women and learn to take responsibility for your own happiness, both in and out of your relationships. Energy given to blaming--as revealed in complaining about a woman, trying to change her, or running away from her, cannot but be drawn from the limited reservoir of resources otherwise available for saving yourself and perhaps learning to love a woman as she is.


Embrace self-becoming


Embrace your capacity for self-becoming as the only true path to personal happiness with a woman, rather than blindly looking to a lover for permission to become honest, or for magical powers to make you whole and happy.


Keep focused on self-becoming versus trying to "keep a woman happy." Self-becoming is rooted in un-repression of blindly denied male attributes suppressed in process of socialization, that is, survival and well being, beginning in one's personal family and extending to outside society. Therefore, self-becoming has two major elements: unrepressing missing male qualities and activating natural masculinity in relationships with women.

Certainly "pleasing females" is a prime male responsibility, both biologically and socially; but even in fulfilling this established male role a man is well advised to keep his primary private focus on "selfing" rather than "spousing" and/or "fathering."


Devote major energies toward growing up yourself rather than using a woman as a "missing half," trying to get something from her, or trying to change her to be more in line with your private desires--for example, to be more reasonable, sexual, or understanding, etc.

Point: 1) Such efforts will likely be wasted energy, and 2) Energies devoted to probably futile endeavors cannot but be drawn from those otherwise available for actually possible goals, such as, growing up yourself.

In practice: 1) Think more about your negative reactions to her traits you dislike, than to her attributes themselves; 2) Focus on improving your coping skills with her rather than simply having emotional reactions, falling into old thoughtless habits, or hoping for change.

Realize that very little change occurs in anyone without devoted attention to un-repression and self-becoming. And, whereas, many do "wish they were different, or better," most folks, women included, simply opt for living-out old modes of coping learned in childhood.

Furthermore, undesirable attributes may be concealed during courtship and early encounters, but they don't go away and will predictably resurrect as a relationship continues. Probably she won't change much, even if you both wish it so.

But, with diligence, you can.


If a woman's efforts to find herself as a person through relating to a man are misguided, as many disillusioned wives have discovered, a man's blind attempts to find his "missing half" (his own right brain) in a woman are far more likely to fail.

Illusions of wholeness inherent in "falling in love," especially with a beautiful woman, are predictably destined for a short life, often ending soon after the honeymoon is over, because in reality personal wholeness (and inherent happiness) ia an individual matter–like individuation itself.

Time cannot but contribute to eventual disillusioning of a man who, like Prince Arthur, fell in love and tried to rescue a Princess, blind to the fact of an external quest for a missing internal "half."

Bottom line: I conclude that the odds of salvation from an otherworldly God, though highly speculative, are better than those with an earthly woman, though more often gambled on.


SEEKING WHOLENESS


Past gene/meme temptations there is the psychological trap which is perhaps even more dangerous than these first two. I refer to "complementary-ness"--that is, the quest for personal wholeness through ownership of a "missing half" in the form of an opposite gender person, the stuff of romantic love, the kind we "fall into." Because this path is commonly taken by unconscious direction, "without a thought in the world" (let alone any reason), it becomes even more insidious than the gene/meme paths. Who has a clue to why we fall in love? At least at the time of such a fall. We just do so. Delightfully, at the time.

In hindsight, with diligent attention we may be able to filter through some of the awesome powers of moonlight and roses, et al. Some of my discoveries include: the hidden shadows of Mother's Smile, the wish for a local Goddess, the fantasy of returning to the Womb cloaked in illusions of "unqualified love," escapes from the nerve to make up my mind as well as from the faith essential for affirming my own existence. I have long looked to woman, especially cloaked in romantic love, for permission--not only to do, but even to be. This, I think looking back, must be the ultimate idolatry as well as the grandest of all cop-outs.


********