LIVING WITH WOMEN
 



TEN RULES


MY TOP TEN GUIDELINES


1. Accept the facts


See and accept gender facts and differences as clearly and fully as possible. See through and avoid popular illusions related to men and women.


2. Seek personhood


Place and keep gender issues (all male/female drives and relationships) in proper perspective in relation to larger human concerns--that is, give most attention to personhood (90%?) and far less to male/female matters (10%). Instincts for self-survival and self-satisfactions are far stronger and more pervasive than lesser drives for self-replication (male/female business). Live your life accordingly.


3. Become yourself


Even while engaged in gender-related activities, both their challenges and delights, give most attention to fuller becoming of your unique male self, rather than to male/female relationships (e.g., friendships, marriage, affairs, etc.).

As a sign I once saw in a donut shop read: "As you wander on through life, bud/whatever be your goal/keep you eye upon the donut/and not upon the hole."

In practice this donut is: seek to become your larger self in-the-midst of relationships, but never through any of them. For example, never look to a woman to "make a man of you"--or even to give you permission to be your honest self. By all means, avoid the all-too-common male "holy grail" type quest of trying to find, or even hoping for, a woman to "make you happy."


4. Keep power balanced


Keep power balanced in every cross-gender relationship, especially those with legal contracts, such as, marriage, and/or with those for whom you care most. Carefully avoid both dominance or submission by either partner. Stated negatively, as did King Solomon who was said to have 700 wives and 300 concubines, "Give not your power to women." (Proverbs 31:3)

Also avoid the Samson lesson of submitting your signs of male power--in his case, long hair, to the symbolic scissors of modern-day Delilahs.


5. Cope with wiles


Learn to recognize and cope wisely with female wiles, especially those used by a woman you care for, rather than being "done in" by any.


6. Accept projections


Accept female projections, including unconscious efforts to dominate, control, or possess you. Learn to cope carefully, rather than being moved from your "green spot" by them. For example, listen to bitching and nagging without becoming defensive or reactive. Almost never argue with a woman. You will predictably lose 99% of the time, later if not sooner.


7. Practice compromise


Develop skills and often practice artful compromises in which shared goals are advanced without loss of integrity or power by either person.


8. Be sexually responsible


Be responsible for your masculine sexuality and supportive of female passions, which are more related to sensuality than to sexuality. Never give full control of your male passions either to one woman or to females in general.

Even though this latter stance is often socially approved and religiously affirmed, destructive consequences are predictable, both for yourself and for any extended positive relationship. For yourself, frustration, if not emasculation, is likely, along with loss of male powers inherent in activation of this aspect of yourself. For your partner, immediate benefits of possession and control of your sexuality will fade in time with the inevitable loss of a "good man" to stand with her on the path toward full personhood and a quality relationship.


9. Share responsibilities


Practice fairness in sharing responsibilities for common elements in a relationship, such as, house keeping, child care, food preparation, bill paying, etc. Carefully avoid using a mate as a slave, or becoming one yourself.


10. Dare to love


Whenever possible, in accord with degrees of success in becoming your individual self and finding courage to expand the circle of your care, move beyond using a woman for satisfying personal needs, desires, and dreams. Instead, dare to accept and affirm her as she presently is, and, as faith allows, free her to the fuller becoming of her larger self--that is, love her, as best you can.


********